US Man arrested after having sexual relations with a tree

Article (archive)

NAUGATUCK, Conn. — A man was arrested last week after he was seen "humping trees" while half-naked, police say.

Witnesses called police after John Edward Fignar, 36, was seen in the backyard of a Connecticut house simulating sex with a tree and eating branches.

Fignar fled the scene when authorities arrived, running into a nearby house and forcing the residents outside.

When police apprehended Fignar, he spit at one of the officers, the New York Daily News reports.

Fignar was charged with felony assault of a public safety officer and misdemeanor resisting arrest, breach of peace and trespassing.

 

[Feline Supremacist]

Joe Biden is responsible for this degeneracy. You have been warned.

 

[Iron Hamster]

Missed opportunity....


Leaf him alone!

But he was pining for a Douglas Fir.......

 

[ZombiefiedFerret]

I mean, can you blame him....

 

[kadoink]

Check this man for splinters.

 

[OvercookedBacon]

Check this man for splinters.

Dammit, was just about to make a splinters joke. Shame~

 

[kadoink]

Dammit, was just about to make a splinters joke. Shame~

cowabunga.

 

[verygayFrogs]

Guys leaf him alone, he’s bushed, you interrupted him while he was giving himself a treet. I know this is intreeguing but he’s clearly a very devoteed man to his barkner. At least he isn’t committing adultree. Let’s cedar the bright side of things, at least he isn’t claiming to be treensexual.

Alright I’ll take my leaf, these puns aren’t really sticking aren’t they?

 

[Jimmy Durante's Ballsack]

Fucking trees is only hot when pretty women do it. Sorry bro, straight to jail with you.

 

[Sí.]

This reminds me of some articles I read about "ecosexuals" a few years ago. I'd completely forgotten them.

 

[Hollywood Hitler]

I've heard of morning wood, but this is ridiculous!

 

[Celebrate Nite]

I mean, can you blame him....
View attachment 1747445

THICC!

That settles it, the tree was asking for it.

 

[Big Ruski]

It's her fault for leading him on

 

[LinkinParkxNaruto[AMV]]

Fignar,

Are they sure they didn't caught a real life scandinavian Troll? it even looks like one

 

[⠠⠠⠅⠑⠋⠋⠁⠇⠎ ⠠⠠⠊⠎ ⠠⠠⠁ ⠠⠠⠋⠁⠛]

This reminds me of some articles I read about "ecosexuals" a few years ago. I'd completely forgotten them.

We can make this the tree-fucking megathread if necessary.

 

[DrunkenDozing]

Veganism is a slippery slope. Also, clearly this man was a top. Otherwise he would have been shoving the branches up his pucker. Overall this story is fucking lame. Call me when Florida Man breaks into some family's living room and tries to shove the Christmas tree up his ass. Bonus points if the family is there to witness it.

 

[Coldgrip]

Guys leaf him alone, he’s bushed, you interrupted him while he was giving himself a treet. I know this is intreeguing but he’s clearly a very devoteed man to his barkner. At least he isn’t committing adultree. Let’s cedar the bright side of things, at least he isn’t claiming to be treensexual.

Alright I’ll take my leaf, these puns aren’t really sticking aren’t they?

Why wood you make these puns?

 

[Mariposa Electrique]

I always wondered what happened to Mr. Woodcock, my old Shop teacher.

 

[5t3n0g0ph3r]

Fignar was probably listening to The Steve Miller Band's "The Joker" and when he heard the lyrics "I really love your peaches / Want to shake your tree," he must have been... inspired.

 

[Gravityqueen4life]

I HATE HIPPIES!

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

Poor treelings will grow up without a father.