🐱 Man Avoids Charges After 20 Pig Eyeballs Were Found Inside His Rectum

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http://www.albertatimes.com/red-deer-man-avoids-charges-20-pig-eyeballs-found-inside-rectum/

A 54-year old man from Red Deer, Alberta has avoided charges after he was discovered with over 20 pig eyeballs stuffed inside his rectum.
Officials made a routine traffic stop early Friday morning and got more than they bargained for when Michael Guthrie, 54, stepped out of his vehicle for a field sobriety test. The officers were shocked after noticing several eyeballs sliding from his right pant leg onto the road. Fearing they could have a potential murderer on their hands, the officers quickly cuffed Guthrie and took him into custody.

Guthrie warned the officers that he had more eyeballs inside his anal cavity, but said they were not human – instead, he claimed they were pig eyeballs he had pilfered from a local slaughterhouse where he is employed as a butcher. “We saw his ID tag, but we had to conduct a test on the eyeballs to confirm his story"

“The company won’t let us take animal scraps home and instead toss them in the landfill,” Guthrie said in his statement. “They’re a very wasteful company. We should be allowed to take scrap meat and other parts home so that they don’t go to waste. There’s nothing wrong with pig eyes, even though my family protest eating them they’re full of protein.”
Tests of the eye balls found inside his anal cavity confirmed Guthrie’s story that they were of pig origin. Guthrie’s employer declined to press charges, and told media that they will review their policy about not permitting employees to take home animal scraps in light of the incident.
Meanwhile, Guthrie has been released without charge and has been handed back the confiscated pig eyes. “Instead of being thrown in the trash, I’ll use them to put dinner on the table,” he said.
 
Arrest him?
Motherfuckers, you see this kinda shit, you need to run.
A man who deliberately jammed 20 pig eyeballs in his rectum?
Yeah, that's the kind of crazy law enforcement is not prepared to handle. That is a kind of man you do not fuck with. What are you gonna do? Throw him in jail?
I guarantee that if you do that, you are going to come back to find his cellmates missing and him picking his teeth and suddenly not hungry for lunch.
A guy who is crazy enough to stuff pig eyes up his ass to take home and feed his family is operating on a different level of fucking terror than you. Fucking hide and pray he doesn't notice you.
 
He does realize he's talking about eating something he stuffed up his ass, right?

For some reason, he thought this was a better excuse than that he shoved them up his ass to jerk off to the thought of them up his ass. Also, his asshole is so loose that they were falling out onto the ground, strongly suggesting he often shoves even larger things up there.
 
Arrest him?
Motherfuckers, you see this kinda shit, you need to run.
A man who deliberately jammed 20 pig eyeballs in his rectum?
Yeah, that's the kind of crazy law enforcement is not prepared to handle. That is a kind of man you do not fuck with. What are you gonna do? Throw him in jail?
I guarantee that if you do that, you are going to come back to find his cellmates missing and him picking his teeth and suddenly not hungry for lunch.
A guy who is crazy enough to stuff pig eyes up his ass to take home and feed his family is operating on a different level of fucking terror than you. Fucking hide and pray he doesn't notice you.
It's like the end of a Thomas Ligotti story, right before every cop who saw an eye is compelled to start shoving eyeballs up their ass and they realise that without pig's eyes they will have to use their families'.
 
So he's a an overachieving Canadian Shirime?
shirime.png
 
If I saw some eyes rolling out of a guy's ass I'd shoot him instantly. At best you're dealing with some Silence of the Lambs-level serial killer and at worst with some cosmic terror shit.
Let's be honest, would you press charges after realizing how much he had shoved up there or just tell him to go home?

Also...were his family eating ass eyeballs?
If his family is actually willing to eat pig eyeballs I doubt they'll mind the food came out of his asshole.
 
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There’s nothing wrong with pig eyes, even though my family protest eating them they’re full of protein.

When you're desperate for some protein in your ass, but no man wants to cum in you, shove some pig eyeballs up in there for the same nutritional value. Got it.


Edit: I'd accidentally skipped the end of the OP and missed the real context.
“Instead of being thrown in the trash, I’ll use them to put dinner on the table,” he said.

Yeah, of course your family isn't going to want to eat something that's been inside their son's ass. Goddamn.
 
I really want to watch the dash cam tapes, if they had any. What was the expression on the dude's face when the eyeballs popped out of his Sharkeye and rolled out of his pants onto the floor? What did the cops look like? And more importantly, did anyone say "will you look at that?" Or "I spy with my little eye..."? These are the questions I need to know.
 
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