My grandfather is possibly passing, and my feelings aren't normal

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AtroposHeart

AtroposHeart

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Feb 5, 2013
My grandfather has long been suffering from medical conditions, and has lost one foot, and they were about to take off another. Today, he stopped breathing, and they moved him into ICU. I just got back home thanks to a family friend, the rest of my family are at the hospital.

While the rest of my family was either crying, or praying, I felt the no need to do either of those things.

Before I left I told them this.

"If he does pass, the only tears I'm going to cry are going to be tears of joy. Granny (My grandmother) died five years ago, and if he goes he'll be the happiest he's been in five years."

My family told me not to give up and keep on praying, but I didn't and haven't prayed.

Because I feel it is selfish to.

Inside I think my grandfather is ready to go. I am not going to use the term "give up" because that is not the correct words. He has lived a long life and had many children, grandchildren, and great grandchild, and even a few great-great grandchildren. He worked in the Rural South picking cotton since he was born, and kept working until forced retirement.

He has had a full life with ups, and downs. He lost his wife and one of his sons in a span of a few months, five years ago.

Now he has lost parts of his body, and was about to lose more.

It is not that he has given up, he is just tired. He has given the world everything he had, and more, and is just ready to go home and see his wife.

Wow, I came the closet I've gotten to crying just writing this, but not quite tears, yet.

I still haven't prayed for him to live, or formally cried.

Is there something wrong, or sick of me to feel this way instead of crying and praying?
 
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I felt the exact same way when my grandmother died. No tears, no prayers, I was just happy to see that she wasn't going to suffer from Dementia and Alzheimers any more, I assure you that what you're feeling is completely normal. You're not sick or cold-hearted for feeling this way at all!
 
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There's nothing wrong with that. My grandfather was the same way; before he passed away last year, he was completely prepared, and even said "I am ready to see my wife." I know he became extremely depressed after she died, so I was glad he got to be with her again.

As already mentioned, everyone grieves differently. Don't feel bad that you haven't cried.
 
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I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. I know it's a trite thing to say, but losing (even just potentially) a loved one is incredibly difficult. I understand where you're coming from, though, about not feeling the need to cry or pray during this. Sometimes, there are times where a person has reached a point where it seems like a good point to move on.
I think my family is going to have a very similar reaction to yours when my grandpa passes on. He's had Alzheimers for years and has lost so much, but he's still alive in spite of it all.
So, no, there's no need to feel guilty. Like @Clown Doll said, just go through your own process as best as you can.
 
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No, I don't think it's inappropriate to not pray for him to make it. He has been through a lot, and for some people, sometimes it is just easier for them to let go than keep fighting, for whatever reason, usually terminal illness, which is close to what your grandfather has. Like you said, he is tired, and sometimes when you're tired, all you can do is go to sleep instead of struggling to stay awake.

It's not like you don't care about him or are eager to see him die, you just want to see his suffering end because you know that if he does make it through this, there will be even more pain for him. Your family might not understand your reaction, but I do and I respect it.
 
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People recently (in the last 200 years or so) have gotten into this habit of worshiping life. If you worship life, death becomes an evil thing. Before my father passed he expressed some fear about dying (understandably). The only thing I could think of to tell him was that death is an inevitability for all of us. If that's so, then it's how it is supposed to be, and anything that is as it's supposed to be can't be evil, wrong or bad. It seemed to help him a little.

Your grandfather was always going to die, so hoping for a speedy and peaceful version of the inevitable seems perfectly normal to me. It's only not normal according to the most recent shift in attitudes on the matter.

Just my opinion, though.
 
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What you've written is 100% normal and understandable. I don't really have anything new to add to the thread that hasn't already been written, but I did want to join the posters who share their sympathy and best wishes for you and your family.
 
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My grandfather had passed this October. He was six feet tall and a big man and the man sitting in that wheelchair was extremely small and pale and tired. Once we arrived, he said "everything's perfect, now." After two really good days of him staying in the den with the family, eating as much junk food as he wanted, and catching up with us, he passed away the fifth day. Through those days I never once prayed for him to stay with us, to make it out of the situation, even though my grandmother is now alone in her house, which breaks my heart the most. But once she told us how sick he had been for years, never wanting to worry us, I felt he was ready, and I didn't want him in as much pain as he had been in. His last years were stopping him from traveling and enjoying the things he used to do like building cars and fixing up the house, and he seemed tired of it. Once everyone arrived to say goodbye he was calm and barely needed his morphine.

I cried. A lot. Mainly after we came back home and I had more time to think. It still seems surreal that he's gone and I keep wanting to call for our weekend phone calls to tell each other about any news. But during our stay in New Mexico, I kept focused, I helped my grandma keep the house clean and my dad clean out the garage. It took almost two weeks to completely clean it, but it kept me busy and happy and I didn't ever feel I was going to explode in tears, even after my grandma announced that my grandpa was dead. I felt relieved for him, and for my grandma. I miss him but I know that this was the best way for him to be comfortable.

Everyone copes differently, and sometimes others can't understand why. My father was manic and irritable and my sister hid in her room and slept all day, and my grandma just kept herself busy and didn't sleep for weeks. We all feel and think differently and that's what makes us unique. I understand how you feel because I felt the same, and I only prayed that my grandfather would feel no pain during the process. I hope your family can come to terms with the reality of it, and understanding why you feel how you do, but again, everyone copes differently and it is a reflex for us to not want people we love to go, while some of us are only thinking of everyone but themselves. I wish the best for you and your family and I will be praying that your grandfather, along with everyone involved, is at peace with all of this.
 
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I think when a person is very ill, you accept that they're going to die long before they do, and to some extent you come to terms with it. My granddad died of throat cancer, and it took quite a long time. I remember the final time he went into hospital and we saw him in the bed, he just looked really skinny and frail and sickly, visibly struggling to breathe, and I remember just thinking, "He's going to die." I felt really shitty for thinking it, but I think I'd just got so used to the fact that it was comin and, frankly, that he wasn't going to get any better..

By contrast, my other grandfather died very suddenly of a heart attack, and that really did take me by surprise. I got a call from my dad on the way to work, and I just didn't know what to do. In the end I just went into work like nothing had happened. It was only around mid-morning that I'd been able to process it properly, and that was when I really broke down.

I guess what I'm saying is that death is an incredibly complicated thing for a person to take in, and I don't think there is a "normal" reaction. In theory, you're supposed to start weeping and wailing and shaking your fist at the heavens, but in practice there's a full spectrum and no right or wrong about it.
 
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AtroposHeart said:
Thank you all for your kind words. My grandfather died at 1 am on the day after Christmas.

His service was yesterday.
Click to expand...

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and I'll keep your family in my prayers. I just want to let you know that you shouldn't feel like a bad person for hoping that your grandfather would pass peacefully instead of lingering here when he was in so much pain. And from what you've told us, your grandpa lived an incredibly full, rich life filled with people whom he loved and who loved him. That's really all any of us can ask for; we're only on this Earth for a short period of time and the best we can do is to leave something behind that makes the world a better place for our children and grandchildren.

I lost my own grandpa a few years ago, and I remember feeling incredibly guilty that I didn't cry as much as I felt like I was "supposed" to. The same happened when a close online friend committed suicide earlier this year. But I knew that they both sick (physically sick for my grandpa, mentally sick for my friend) so I couldn't feel much sadness knowing that they weren't in pain anymore. It's natural to feel sad for your loss, but it's also natural to feel happy that your loved one isn't suffering anymore.
 
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it's one thing when a kid gets hit by a truck, and it's another when an old person with a rich life finally finishes it.

the way i see it, watching an ailing old person suffer, you mourn through the whole process. it's just lower-level and more drawn out. it's vastly different from a spontaneous death of someone whose life shouldn't end yet. at the end of it, their book has reached its end, it's time to close the book, and they're in a better place now.

your older family members were in all probability closer to him so his death has more impact on them.
 
Deepest sympathies for your loss Atropos.

Death can be a blessing for those who were suffering, and it's not easy for us healthy and living folk to understand what a person is truly going through. Whenever I hear my grandmother's health turns for the worst, my only hope is that she will go quietly in her sleep, as not to prolong any pain or discomfort she feels. When my aunt in law passed from lymphoma (she refused treatment and hid the fact she had cancer), we took it hard, but I believe I was the only real family member happy to know her suffering was at an end.

My thoughts are with you.
 
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