Dear How to Do It,
My partner has recently come out as nonbinary and bisexual. They have discovered this about themselves (or perhaps just been more open about it) the last year or so. I’m glad they are finding their truth, and I have tried to be supportive of them, helping them learn to do makeup, buying them nice heels and helping them pick out clothing, defending them to a few members of our families and other bigots.
What’s really frustrating me, is lately, or the last year or so, they’ve made comments about lack of sex to our mutual friends and even around our families: how they never get sex, or that it’s vanilla and boring. When I try to have sex with them—pretty much daily—since they claim they aren’t getting any, I get rebuffed or told “that’s OK, I’m not feeling it” or they get very angry after sex and refuse to speak with me. I don’t force it, because it’s their choice. Last night, they admitted that I cannot do all the things they’d like me to do, as I don’t have a penis, and they’re a bottom who prefers to be with men. (I had guessed there had been relationships with men or at least sexual contact, but they never shared that until last night.) I am an asexual cis woman, so there are certain things I cannot biologically do. I suggested, if that’s what they’d really like, then perhaps we should look at separating, so they can find a fulfilling relationship with a man. They said they wouldn’t leave me and that they love me. But they are getting increasingly frustrated with our sex life, and my inability to be a man. I think I’m a security blanket for them, because I give them the space to be themselves, but I’m not sexually fulfilling for them anymore. I have told them we could remain friends, even roommates; I could still provide the same support, but allow them to go and be happy with a man. The more and more they tell our friends and family that I’m not sexually fulfilling, the more upset I get.
—No Penis
Dear No Penis,
The situation you’re in sounds stressful. I’m sorry you’re going through it.
The two of you aren’t a sexual match. You know this. You’re asexual and still initiating sex daily to try to please them; your partner wants someone with a penis. Your instinct to separate as a romantic couple feels appropriate. It makes sense: They can get their sexual needs met, and you’ll still support each other emotionally.
Your partner doesn’t see this as a viable option, but you can’t continue the way things are. Get ready to be very clear about what is and isn’t OK moving forward. Public sharing of your sexual details is not OK for you. Leaning on you for emotional support is very OK for you. Make lists. Know what’s a firm boundary, what you’re happy to engage in, and where you’re uncertain or willing to compromise.
Pick a time when you’re both calm, alert, and able to focus. Start by establishing whether talking about something serious is welcome at that moment—a simple “Is now a good time to talk?” will probably suffice.
You might inquire what love is to them, and ask them about the specific connections between their concept and your relationship together. Ask them how they feel about the gap between ideals and reality. Is monogamy something they require? Is there a different relationship structure that would work for both you? Is a clean break—an option neither of you seem to want—worth considering? Work together to figure out if you can functionally fit in each other’s lives moving forward.
