Occulting the Farms Thread - Employing lunacy magic to make the site better

[AMHOLIO]

Suggest ways to improve the farms via magic in this thread. Here's a few thoughts:

• Communicate telepathically with Christ-chan whenever he goes to the loony bin instead of normie jail and can't write letters to us
• Use womb magic to curse our organs for the next person who tries to use them
• Channel necromancy on pets to get revenge on animal abusers and recreate pet semetary for shits and giggles
• Learn astral projection so we can shitpost on the ethereal planes when the site is down

How would you improve the farms? Do you have any fun ideas you'd like to see? Which gods, spirits, or demons should we try to cozy up to? How many orgies in the woods with either site users or lolcows would you do to ensure the farms' prosperity? How many animals would you sacrifice to make sure the milk will flow? Discuss.

 

[DrNow]

During the downtime I built an altar with a quartz tetrahedron, black candles and a concrete skull. I would play ‘Satans Bell’ by Kingcobrajfs, chant ‘agios o baphomet’, burn incense and visualise the DDOS attacks returning to their source with ruinous impact. I have since purified my living space with sage and hopefully won’t have to resort to black magic to deal with my problems again.

Maybe I made all this up, maybe I didn’t. I’ll take my lunacy reactions either ways.

 

[Spunt]

I looked at many pictures of naked goth chicks with big tits, and then the Farms came back up. Clearly we must all do the same.

 

[MadDisaster]

The Seal on the bottom of the site needs replacing- maybe Null would like some chaos magic sigils. They usually aren't satanic looking.

 

[AMHOLIO]

The Seal on the bottom of the site needs replacing- maybe Null would like some chaos magic sigils. They usually aren't satanic looking.

What if we draw a sigil entirely made out of penises?

 

[Onni Kalsarikännit]

Can we have robes? Like the KKK but in black.

 

[AMHOLIO]

Can we have robes? Like the KKK but in black.

Yes but we have to either have the kiwi logo as our pointed hats or regulae cult robes and hoods with Null drool dog onesies underneath.

During the downtime I built an altar with a quartz tetrahedron, black candles and a concrete skull. I would play ‘Satans Bell’ by Kingcobrajfs, chant ‘agios o baphomet’, burn incense and visualise the DDOS attacks returning to their source with ruinous impact. I have since purified my living space with sage and hopefully won’t have to resort to black magic to deal with my problems again.

Maybe I made all this up, maybe I didn’t. I’ll take my lunacy reactions either ways.

This is the spooky spirit we need on this site. An alledged thank you, my fellow coven member.



More ideas:

• Hoodoo dolls of our anonymous DDOSers
• Spirit board to contact dead cows and either honor (Terry Davis) or bully (Lowtax)
• Throwing Bones to predict future lolcows.

 

[Onni Kalsarikännit]

Yes but we have to either have the kiwi logo as our pointed hats or regulae cult robes and hoods with Null drool dog onesies underneath.


This is the spooky spirit we need on this site. An alledged thank you, my fellow coven member.



More ideas:

• Hoodoo dolls of our anonymous DDOSers
• Spirit board to contact dead cows and either honor (Terry Davis) or bully (Lowtax)
• Throwing Bones to predict future lolcows.

We could have kiwi logos necklaces made of pure gold. With big kiwi logos.

 

[Stabmaster Arson II]

Glad to see Null removed that kike seal and replaced it with a bible reference.

 

[Pee Your Pants]

When KF was down but Null said he had good news to announce soon, me and a friend took bets on what it was going to be. There was a milkshake reward for who was right. After a few days, we got to the point where we were sick of waiting and just wanted milkshakes because we are greedy bitches, so we went and got some. We joked that maybe by having the milkshakes before the announcement that it would induce the good news.

Afterwards we randomly spotted a taxidermy kiwi bird in a venue and me and my friend nodded at each other, like 'nice.'

A few hours later Kiwi Farms went back up. Was it from a couple of occult spergs doing accidental magick or a wacky coincidence? Doesn't matter, I love it when the universe does random weird shit.

 

[Beak Thing]

I feel like Pan is a mixed bag.

On the one hand, he was a huge troll who didn't give a fuck but still helped out the good guys pretty much all the time. On the other hand, his dad taught him to jerk off and he was into bestiality.

 

[AMHOLIO]

A few hours later Kiwi Farms went back up. Was it from a couple of occult spergs doing accidental magick or a wacky coincidence? Doesn't matter, I love it when the universe does random weird shit.

The real question is can we get any wizard kiwis to confirm you and your friend did chaos milkshake magic? Is there a wizard in the house?

I feel like Pan is a mixed bag.

On the one hand, he was a huge troll who didn't give a fuck but still helped out the good guys pretty much all the time. On the other hand, his dad taught him to jerk off and he was into bestiality.

It's hard to find a pagan god that fits into our modern day views on furries or family fucking. We might have to start from scratch and make our own Bob, so to speak.

 

[Billy Bob Dick]

I would create an occult app that allows KF users to open a portal through your computer screen that you can reach through to punch and/or strangle certain cows. Just for fun.

 

[Baraadmirer]

The real question is can we get any wizard kiwis to confirm you and your friend did chaos milkshake magic? Is there a wizard in the house?

I think most (if not all) of the regulars aren't virgins, so you may be out of luck.

I would lead focus groups that, with the power of magical thinking, will materialise usable currency at Josh's feet.

 

[Pee Your Pants]

The real question is can we get any wizard kiwis to confirm you and your friend did chaos milkshake magic? Is there a wizard in the house?

I guess this act of unintentional magick involved drinking milk that we were missing from reading about our favourite cows. Put that in the Kiwi Farms grimoire.

Spoiler: Also

Can confirm: we are a couple of chaos fags who slacked off doing any planned magick to protect the Farms. But we learned something new and now we have a great excuse for any future milkshake indulgence.

 

[Lokenstien]

Since Alister Crowley has established that cum has magical properties its pretty obvious what our brave users must do.

They must get null figurines and start cum jars.

 

[AMHOLIO]

I guess this act of unintentional magick involved drinking milk that we were missing from reading about our favourite cows. Put that in the Kiwi Farms grimoire.

Spoiler: Also

Can confirm: we are a couple of chaos fags who slacked off doing any planned magick to protect the Farms. But we learned something new and now we have a great excuse for any future milkshake indulgence.

Stronger bones and stronger site is worth it even for the lactose intolerant kiwis. Beware of psychic milkshake attacks.

Since Alister Crowley has established that cum has magical properties its pretty obvious what our brave users must do.

They must get null figurines and start cum jars.

If you haven't gotten one already, can you say you're really a true and honest farmer?

 

[Not a bee]

Ingredients:

* Green Candle (for wealth, success, good luck, prosperity, abundance)
* $20 bill (anything higher like a $50 or $100 is better)
* Something to inscribe the candle with. It's preferred if you have a athame that is not dedicated to any specific Spirit unless that Spirit is willing to help you with this spell. If you do not have an athame you can use a regular knife.
(Optional: Dragon's Blood incense or sage to cleanse the area you are going to be working in.)
(Optional: Any kind of money-drawing, lucky, fortune oil.)

Before you begin, if you have Dragon's Blood or sage, begin to clean the area you are working in.
Next, begin to carve Josh's full name and birthdate. If you, or Null, don't feel comfortable with that, then just write "Josh" and his birthdate. On the other side of the candle, write the amount of money you want Josh to obtain.
(If you have, begin to dress the candle with the appropriate oil.)
Place the candle on top of the $20 bill and begin to meditate. Think about your intentions and the manifestations of Null receiving lots of wealth and fortune.
Watch the flame closely and the smoke. It will indicate the success (or failure) of the spell.

 

[AMHOLIO]

Place the candle on top of the $20 bill and begin to meditate. Think about your intentions and the manifestations of Null receiving lots of wealth and fortune.

For an extra boost, carve his social security number on the other side.