My fiancée is “graysexual”. As the wedding approaches, the reality of spending the rest of my life that way is haunting me more than ever.
My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years. She is my best friend in the entire world. Our personalities are perfect for each other and we get along amazingly well. She makes me a better person and I make her a better person. Everybody we know and meet loves us and thinks we’re perfect for each other and we mostly are. We are due to be married in 6 months and the guest list is 200+ and everyone is extremely excited for it including us.
But there’s a concern that as we get closer to the wedding is really starting to plague my thoughts. When we began our relationship, she had 0 sexual experiences. None. Not even with herself. She’s never even masturbated in her entire life. I was a virgin too but had a few experiences with other girls. So her stipulation was that we couldn’t have sex until we were together for a year. Okay, that’s fine by me. So a year comes and it happens and we start doing it semi-regularly but not too often and I couldn’t say exactly how much because it’s been 7 years now almost but maybe once a week.
My ideal is maybe 2-4 times a week but she doesn’t care if I jerk off so whatever (at that point). Then she goes on birth control (3 year injection) and I feel like it slowed down a bit but not too terribly and it was kind of negligible at that point because the birth control allowed me to… y’know. The sex has always been consistently great the entire relationship and we both enjoy it and both orgasm at the same time while she uses a vibrator. If she doesn’t orgasm I feel guilty. Anyway, over the next few years it kind of became sparse and was really frustrating getting rejected all the time and it became a big fighting point between us.
And to keep things short it still is. At some point in those years the BC was removed and another was put in. In the past couple years since we have both turned 21 and started to go out, we average maybe once a week again for the past 2 years or so. Still not enough for me to be completely satisfied but better than nothing, though there are still stretches where we can reach a month with no sex, leading to fights and resentment. Also definitely worth mentioning is that almost every time we have sex it’s after drinking when she is usually pretty drink which doesn’t make me feel good about myself very much. I didn’t mind at first but now that it’s basically every single time it’s not nearly as enjoyable.
I have of course tried to bring up various solutions to her over the years, such as removing the birth control early, going to therapy, talking to her doctor about it, and other options. She has always seemed apprehensive at the idea of doing something about her low libido because I think she believes that that is the way that she is and that I should have to accept that. But I’ve gotten so tired of jerking off for so long that I’ve pretty much given up doing it with any sort of regularity which has made my resentment and frustration even with having sex once a week increase quite a bit in recent months.
So I’ve started to develop doubts about spending the rest of my life with someone who 1. Has a totally opposite libido of me and 2. Is not interested or even willing to do anything about it. Now when I’m out drinking I’ve noticed I’ve started looking at other girls and wondering about them, wondering if maybe they had a higher libido than my fiancée (no I would never cheat). But I love her so much that I feel like a piece of shit for even thinking about not marrying her because of sex and and extra like shit when I wonder about other women. Not to mention the money spent on the wedding already and the dozens and dozens of people that would probably hate me for doing this to their friend/daughter/cousin/niece/granddaughter and would never forgive me, not to mention what they would think if she actually told them the reason. Plus our two cats
. Where do I go from here?
TL;DR I’ve been with my fiancée who is my absolute best friend and soulmate for 8 years but sex has been a problem for 7. Various solutions have been brought up over the years to little interest. As the wedding approaches, the idea of being unsatisfied forever has begun to consume my thoughts. Do I leave will I still can easily or stay with it and risk not ever being sexually fulfilled for my whole life?
Edit: yes, once a week is adequate for me. The problem is that it’s only that much because we go out drinking every weekend and she gets drunk. Nix the alcohol and I can’t say for sure that we would EVER have sex…
