Official Kiwifarms Corporate Jargon Hate Thread - Let’s circle back to that and unpack this

  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account
JambledUpWords

JambledUpWords

You should pay me because I’m hot
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Aug 16, 2018
IMG_4904.jpeg
IMG_4905.jpeg
 
Uh oh, looks like someone still has the case of the Mondays! Cheer up, it's about friYAY! Woot woot! Just remember, we are family. We work hard, yet we play hard! Jokes aside, that speech is also in the public sector :( Especially friYAY..
 
Everyday I thank God that I work at a place where I don't have to hear the word "synergy" used ever.
 
IMG_4906.jpeg
Hey everyone! Happy Friday! We’re all family here, and as your boss, I want to invite all of you to a mandatory company barbecue next Saturday! Y’all ready to play some corn hole, mingle with colleagues, and eat some delicious barbecue? Due to budget cuts, we have a signup sheet for people to fill out what they’re going to bring. We need enough for around 50 people (colleagues and a plus one). We need paper plates, plastic cutlery, cups, napkins, chips, desserts, and drinks. We are not able to provide any alcohol due to expense, so this is a BYOB event. The rest will be provided. Unless it’s a family emergency or sickness, you will be required to show up for your work family. Photos will be taken as well, so be sure to dress to company standards, as it will be part of marketing and promotional material. At the end of the day, this is all about fun, so be sure to have some fun! If you’re lucky, you might win a $20 Starbucks gift card at our raffle. Corn hole champions also win company merch. This event will be unpaid, but I hope you accept payment in laughter and good vibes.
 
Last edited:
JambledUpWords said:
Hey everyone! Happy Friday! We’re all family here, and as your boss, I want to invite all of you to a mandatory company barbecue next Saturday! Y’all ready to play some corn hole, mingle with colleagues, and eat some delicious barbecue? Due to budget cuts, we have a signup sheet for people to fill out what they’re going to bring. We need enough for around 50 people (colleagues and a plus one). We need paper plates, plastic cutlery, cups, napkins, chips, desserts, and drinks. We are not able to provide any alcohol due to expense, so this is a BYOB event. The rest will be provided. Unless it’s a family emergency or sickness, you will be required to show up for your work family. Photos will be taken as well, so be sure to dress to company standards, as it will be part of marketing and promotional material. At the end of the day, this is all about fun, so be sure to have some fun! If you’re lucky, you might win a $20 Starbucks gift card at our raffle. Corn hole champions also win company merch. This event will be unpaid, but I hope you accept payment in laughter and good vibes.
Click to expand...
The "we're all family" messaging is always unbearable no matter where you go in the corporate world.
 
Ok everyone, thanks for coming to this meeting thread, we have a packed agenda so I'm just going to dive right in. First and foremost, thanks to everyone who posted before, we got some great feedback on the work you all did, so kudos to the team. We also got some guidance from leadership that we need to really step up our game in terms of our collaboration, really get in there and start going full throttle 100%.

I'm a hands on kind of manager myself, really like to dive into the details and get my hands dirty. And I'd love to do that here! But I am swamped right now, you know how it is, so on this one I'm going to take a step back and rely on our excellent team to do the main work for us.

Our SMEs have been working hard, really going all out for the past week, and have put together some content, But I feel like we could really use some more content around some topics, specifically the ones that are top of mind for our stakeholders. And feel free to jump in if you have a different view here, I'm open to any and all feedback. I don't want this to just be 45 minutes of me yapping, ha ha!
 
Hey y’all, as part of Mega Corp, we all need to be part of this company meeting. Me, the CEO, and my friends at HR have realized we need to come together to maximize profits. On our agenda today, we want all our employees to work on smiling more for prospective customers. I’ve heard complaints that we aren’t smiling enough. This is why I’ve helped devise a group exercise for us today where we can learn why we aren’t being as friendly towards customers. I want y’all to look at these AI images we created and see which ones make you laugh. After, I want you to write one short paragraph of why it was funny, and what made you smile. Finally, y’all will discuss it with your colleagues and figure out how to make that joyful attitude part of customer experience. I could ask what would make you personally happy to do your job, but it’s almost always involving a pay increase, but we can’t do that because we must payout our Mega Corp shareholders that make our company amazing. This exercise will suffice instead. If you do not participate, you will be let go, because we can’t have any Negative Nancies and Debbie Downers in our midst.
 
Having to hear or even pretend to care about someone's corpospeak laden output unironically makes me want to kill myself, its even more soulless than the actual 24/7 eye burning desk work you get in office jobs. Having to look your fellow work bugmen in the eye and continually say obvious meaningless bullshit that you all understand is bullshit is a humiliation ritual that could have only been engineered by the most spiteful of organ harvesting child sacrificing semites.
 
"Work hard, play hard" is 100% an interview red flag. I don't use any of that jargon except as a joke. One I especially hate is "post-mortem".

My quirk is always using the subjunctive when giving instructions. It's never "Do X", it's "I would do X".
 
JambledUpWords said:
Hey everyone! Happy Friday! We’re all family here, and as your boss, I want to invite all of you to a mandatory company barbecue next Saturday! Y’all ready to play some corn hole, mingle with colleagues, and eat some delicious barbecue? Due to budget cuts, we have a signup sheet for people to fill out what they’re going to bring. We need enough for around 50 people (colleagues and a plus one). We need paper plates, plastic cutlery, cups, napkins, chips, desserts, and drinks. We are not able to provide any alcohol due to expense, so this is a BYOB event. The rest will be provided. Unless it’s a family emergency or sickness, you will be required to show up for your work family. Photos will be taken as well, so be sure to dress to company standards, as it will be part of marketing and promotional material. At the end of the day, this is all about fun, so be sure to have some fun! If you’re lucky, you might win a $20 Starbucks gift card at our raffle. Corn hole champions also win company merch. This event will be unpaid, but I hope you accept payment in laughter and good vibes.
Click to expand...
Chipped a tooth this morning taking a fall, at the dentist, won't be able to eat today, have fun and see you monday
 
"Unpack" is one of the most maddeningly meaningless words I know, next to "problematic". People who speak like this are barely capable of abstract thought, if that
To add to that, the term "Human resources" itself is so blatantly cynical and insufferable to hear, even though it's one of the more basic ones. I have a particular hatred of HR over every other aspect of this slop and it starts at the name
 
"Synergy"

Don't get me started on the number of organisations not related to IT moving to an "Agile" framework. How does it even fucking work in retail for example? It doesn't apply.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom