Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Cheeseburger Picnic]

This dude on my facebook feed posts the most thathappened stories I've ever read and nobody ever calls him out on it. Not going to dox him because I do know him IRL and he's never done wrong by me but I wanted to share some of his bullshit.

Spoiler: And then everybody stood up and clapped

 

[ADN_VIII]

I have a facebook/gaming friend who has to be the most dedicated Hillary apologist I've ever met.

Any evidence that hurts Hillary is clearly Russian propaganda, any evidence that the DNC was biased in her favor is Russian Troll Koolaid, being shown irrefutable proof that he's wrong is gaslighting him, and that Hillary was clearly the best choice for America.

The images below, my contributions in blue, are at the beginning and the end of a comment thread about his outright denial of the DNC email leaks. The middle, which contained a bit more information than I'd like to share, involved two of our mutual friends calling him out for blatant misrepresentation of my positions and statements, and a thorough explanation of why a logical argument can and should not be built on a fallacious base.

Asides from his politics, he supports BLM to an almost zealous degree and even expressed support for Yusra Khogali of BLM Toronto when she was under fire for calling whites subhuman. His position was that since whites are the majority in the US and Canada, any minority has the right to be as racist and bigoted as they please because they're not the majority and thus can't be racist or bigoted.

Watching him chimp out over being proven verifiable wrong is quite a show in and of itself, with accusations of gaslighting coming faster and faster as the posts stretch in length.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Here's a story about Jeffrey that's kinda similar to the one @Adamska told about Benito stealing food from the homeless. Jeffrey is arguably a bigger sociopathic monster than Benito though. Instead of "I stole food from the homeless," his is "I stole money from a grieving family."

This tale takes place when he was 20 and I was 19. His neighborhood had a somewhat incompetent mail carrier who would often put mail in the wrong mailboxes.

I went over to Jeffrey's house to hang out (because I'd stopped going over for a while and he'd yap at me about how "we never hang out anymore, bro"), when I spotted a floral-patterned card on his dresser. It wasn't close to his birthday, and nobody really had any reason to send him one so I was like, "nice card. Who's it from?" He kinda chuckled a bit and said it was a present from god. I was like "what the fuck kind of answer is that," and he told me to look at it and I'd see what he meant.

It was a card for one of his neighbors. They had recently had a death in their family, so one their friends or relatives decided to send them some money to help with funeral expenses. As it just so happened, the letter was accidentally put into Jeffrey's family's mailbox instead of the neighbor's. When Jeffrey got the mail, instead of giving it to them like a decent human being, he instead kept the envelope to himself and opened it to see if there was money in it. He told me it had $30 in it, which he didn't need at all, but kept anyway.

I was like, "dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?" His answer was some bullshit about how "destiny obviously wanted me to have it, or else it wouldn't have given it to me."

I thought about telling his mom on him, but decided against it. She always took his side, and I'm sure that she'd have accused me of going through the neighbor's mail and trying to frame him or some shit. Plus, I didn't know the neighbors well enough to care TOO too much. I'm not perfect either after all.

 

[POWER IN MISERY]

I was like, "dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?" His answer was some bullshit about how "destiny obviously wanted me to have it, or else it wouldn't have given it to me."

I thought about telling his mom on him, but decided against it. She always took his side, and I'm sure that she'd have accused me of going through the neighbor's mail and trying to frame him or some shit. Plus, I didn't know the neighbors well enough to care TOO too much. I'm not perfect either after all.

shouldve slapped him out after he said that bullshit about destiny, pussy

 

[Darwin Watterson]

shouldve slapped him out after he said that bullshit about destiny, pussy

I agree with that, and regret not doing so.

 

[AnOminous]

shouldve slapped him out after he said that bullshit about destiny, pussy

And then told him it was destiny that got him slapped, and God must have obviously wanted it to happen to him, or he wouldn't have had you slap him.

 

[POWER IN MISERY]

then you pull your dick out and show him his true destiny

 

[Ginger Piglet]

Joe Baldwin.

Maybe it's listening to DragonForce's first album and cooking duck curry that brought it all flooding back to me, but about 10-12 years ago in a dark corner of the internets there was... a forum.

It was called Chavscum, or CS for short, and it was basically all about laughing at British scrotes and their stupidity, brutality, and depravity. I was a member and I suspect that a number of fellow British Kiwis also were back then. I read more than I posted though, and the board's not about any more so don't try to go looking for it. Some of the people on there were okay in the grand scheme of things. Others were frankly exceptional. Two, however, were bona fide lolcows. And Joe Baldwin, who signed up using his real name, was one of them.

Joe Baldwin was, at the time, 16 years old and lived in Chesham in Buckinghamshire. He was outspoken about liking Radiohead and the Liberal Democrats and so forth. He was also an admitted autist (Radiohead, Lib Dems, etc.) and would flail the bladder constantly about the above. He also had a habit of oversharing massively.

In October 2004, he got a girlfriend called Tess. Fair enough. Who was Romany in origin. Suit yourself, we all thought, but the way he virtue signalled about her ethnicity caused him to some in for some "bantz" if you will. Said bantz got more and more pointed as he admitted to the following autistic course of action:

- Broadcasting to all and sundry in gory detail about how he lost his virginity to her and accidentally put it up her arse rather than her vadge;
- Thought he'd got her pregnant;
- Proposed to her;
- Planned to marry her;
- She then told him to get knotted.

This built and built until it resulted in what I personally think was the most glorious chimpout ever, pretty much. He lost more shit than a leaky septic tank, all in the space of one angerpost that I wish I'd capped. It started with, "That's enough I've had it," then went up through the gears systematically calling out every active member of the board, getting angrier and angrier in a manner representing a lorry trying to overtake on the hilly bits of the M5, before blowing his top with the immortal lines, "MEADS I FUCKING HATE YOU AND YOUR CUNTING SIG" and "you bunch of CUNTS".

Clearly he was leaving and never coming back. LOL JK, he came back again and again and again, and when banned for his own good he came back under fresh pseudonyms and was banned again and again and again.

He eventually was sort of rehabilitated in the eyes of the users (who by then were all basically trolls anyhow) but only by trollshielding the one board member even more exceptional than him.

Oh, and he did exactly the same sort of thing on two other boards as well.

 

[Lunatic Fringe]

A friend sent me a link to this guy's Instagram then by pure chance I saw them in the wild.

Fat, Antifa, Communist, Wiccan, Bad facial piercings and MtF (this Monday they're getting their balls cut off). Or as they describe themselves "Transwoman/Bisexual/Body Modified/Anarcho-Communist/Militant Antifascist"

Their Instagram is just #bashthefash,near daily selfies with the same autistic stare every single time, I stuck an even bigger bar through X part of my head this week, LOL I feel so girly with my hormones today and this looks like something I can stick up my arse.

I believe they work/volunteer in a charity shop and they sort the donated items. This is a major source for the stuff in the butt photos.

Not mountains of hilarity but if I didn't know of them I would say it was a really good parody account. Been following the slow motion car crash for about a year and I'm looking forward to the "I have made a huge mistake cutting off my balls" bit.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

A friend sent me a link to this guy's Instagram then by pure chance I saw them in the wild.

Fat, Antifa, Communist, Wiccan, Bad facial piercings and MtF (this Monday they're getting their balls cut off). Or as they describe themselves "Transwoman/Bisexual/Body Modified/Anarcho-Communist/Militant Antifascist"

Their Instagram is just #bashthefash,near daily selfies with the same autistic stare every single time, I stuck an even bigger bar through X part of my head this week, LOL I feel so girly with my hormones today and this looks like something I can stick up my arse.

I believe they work/volunteer in a charity shop and they sort the donated items. This is a major source for the stuff in the butt photos.

Not mountains of hilarity but if I didn't know of them I would say it was a really good parody account. Been following the slow motion car crash for about a year and I'm looking forward to the "I have made a huge mistake cutting off my balls" bit.

Make a thread on them at once. According to their Instagram their going for the ball chop on Monday.

 

[Lunatic Fringe]

Make a thread on them at once. According to their Instagram their going for the ball chop on Monday.

I don't know if there is enough for their own thread but I'll go back, do some digging on their other social media accounts and see. I know they have a tumblr but that just seems to be skinny boys in stockings etc.

Current updates are surgery stocking photos so they're probably being neutered right now.

 

[Muttnik]

Story time. Hopefully it's not too long.

Growing up, I had a friend named Zach who I considered one of my best friends. Zach was a bit...odd. He had this awful temper problem and was consistently possessive over me. Whenever we played together he would always try to mold me into some sort of damsel character he had to save. I humored him a few times but it got kind of annoying after a while. Whenever I talked shit at him for constantly infantilizing me he would blow the fuck up and call me every awful name in the book. Zach's parents were divorced you see and it really did a number on how well he was able to cope with things. So naturally, it would be to take things out on the one person who was there for him no matter what, yours truly.

Zach had a number of obsessions. Dragon Ball Z was the first and he consistently said that he was some sort of super saiyan and would spend hours on the playground screaming in the middle of the field as if he was "powering up". I told him to stop being retarded and he often told me to shut the fuck up. After Dragon Ball Z it was Kingdom Hearts and that's where things got really zany. He would pick up sticks and claim it was a keyblade and smack the other kids with it calling them heartlesses or some weird geek shit. And of course he got even WORSE when it came to being possessive of me, saying edgelord things like he needed to protect me from the darkness. I was never into the same things that Zach was and often just went along with it to keep him happy. But after a while it got really ridiculous as he'd beat up any of my other friends if they wanted to hang out with me. He also had a habit of having huge meltdowns whenever things didn't go his way. He'd kick and bite and scratch and tackle you until you gave in to whatever he wanted. I remember once he smeared shit all over the daycare bathroom and then had a tantrum when he was caught.

So yeah. Stupid kids stuff right? Here's where it gets wild. As it turns out, Zach was autistic. Not severely autistic--just very very mildly so. Honestly, you wouldn't be able to tell unless you knew him longterm. Now I didn't realize this until later and back then I had no idea what autism even was. Zach would play with his hands making explosion noises as a kind of autistic tic. He'd get really pissed whenever you watched him do it and he'd often flip shit and try to hurt you. He once went after my buddy Noah with a large rock and teachers had to get involved.

So a few years pass and Zach goes through this massive emo stage. Keep in mind that he's this porky autist with hugeass glasses and a constant dead expression. He buys trenchcoats and shows up to darecare bragging about how he's above life and knows the truth about the world. I call him out on this bullshit and he tells me to get lost. Around that time we sort of stop hanging out. Even though we were friends since we were very small, he starts to blow me off and hang around with a bad crowd. After a year or two of no contact, I spy him and a couple of stoner edgelords hanging out smoking some hardcore stuff behind the school. One of his pallies has a swastika tattoo and I nope out of there real quick. Zach gets into some hardcore drugs and eventually ends up getting arrested for illegal drug possession and distribution.

So for several years after that, radio silence. One day though I decide to try to look him up and I find out just what he's been doing with his life. The police apparently let him off easy and since then he's had a bright future to look forward to--doing nothing. He refuses to get a job as he thinks he's above that and he's now trying to be a big rap star with his own music youtube channel. Whenever you see him on video he acts like a giant tool pretending to be ghetto when in truth he's just a kid from a middle class family in everyday suburbia. The image he's been trying to pitch to people is how hard his life has been because of his autism and how he had no friends growing up because they all isolated him. You know, other than me and pretty much every other kid in daycare that was patient enough to put up with his shit.
Since I found him online he posts regular "music" content online, though said music looks more like it's desperately trying to be edgy than anything else. Whenever people tell him to stop dicking around and get a job he blows them off and is convinced he's going to be a famous rapper one day.

...I guess in the end this is more of a sadcow story than anything else. But hey, regardless of whether or not you have problems in your life, you fess up to them and make yourself into the best person possible. Zach didn't. And I guess in a way I dodged a bullet in having our friendship deteriorate.

 

[The Shed]

I know of an older lady on facebook who is pretty disturbed.
She posts non-stop about how she's related to ROBIN WILLIAMS through GOD'S HOLY LIGHT!

I'm quite the fan of her posts! It's not gonna be long before she has a meltdown of sorts.

 

[cuddle striker]

I know of an older lady on facebook who is pretty disturbed.
She posts non-stop about how she's related to ROBIN WILLIAMS through GOD'S HOLY LIGHT!

I'm quite the fan of her posts! It's not gonna be long before she has a meltdown of sorts.
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FLORID schizophrenic erotomania. good thing he's dead.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

Growing up, I had a friend named Zach

Every Zach I have ever met was a massive lolcow.

 

[Goku Black]

there's this person i've been keeping tabs on for awhile

this person, named asheds, is a 17-going-on-18 avid fan of FMA:B and proclaims to be "Edward Elric irl" and is, as you may have guessed, a tranny who frequents instagram/devArt and has a tumblr (though not as frequently used as the other two).

what made this person intrigue me was their love for their oc x Edward Elric despite claiming to be him "irl" and the sjw mindset oozing from their oc alone.
this here is asheds' oc, a kawaii mouse chimera:

they transformed the oc from being white into an "albino poc" but it doesn't end there.

this is where it gets fun.

they plan to make a webcomic with their girlfriend (?) as a "continuation" for FMA:B and act like its what everyone has been waiting for. it'll star their oc's. it's not until you read what it's about that you begin to see why i hope to god they do actually start this comic. here are snippets:

This series is also a way to bring representation to minorities by having leading characters who are people of color, LGBTQ+ characters with queer relationships portrayed realistically and healthily, nurodivergent, feminist, and complex characters! It’s also a project to basically destroy the idea of cishetnormality and the idea that nurodivergent and complex characters are “annoying”.

yes, it says "representation" but what they actually mean is "every canon character will have their sexuality changed and/or be trans."

here is a particularly hilarious snip from a character biography:

Jarred was scrawny and extremely rude and a “fedora tipper”. Jarred believes women need to submit to a man when they say, that women are not the same as men.

they made a Patreon and Redbubble before their comic was even released, expecting tons of support for the idea alone
to give you an idea of how this person is like, here's one last snip:

I have studied the holocaust a lot for my debates on oppression of queer people and how there has been so much abuse in the past for queer people. FMA practically is all about the oppression during the holocaust from another world with a supernatural scientific theme. However, Arakawa didn’t include the other people who were targeted. Those other victims were POC, mentally and physically disabled people, and queer people. I thought it would fit in with the canon of the show easily, and honestly, I just love shoving queer characters down people's throats for a series. That’s really why this series exists!

please let this webcomic come out.

 

[Terrorist]

"So I was in special ed and..."

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Got a vintage cow today. Well, he may be more of a sociopathic scumbag than an actual cow, but I'll tell what I know about him anyway. If he's any kind of cow, it'd definitely be horrorcow though.

Spoiler: Great Uncle Dan

My great uncle Dan was my grandma's brother. My family includes Jeffrey, so when I say that Dan was my family's black sheep, it really means something.

As far as I know, he was okay when he was a kid. He got along reasonably well with people.

When he got older, though, he became an absolute nightmare.

He and his wife (who was apparently a real piece of work herself, but I don't know much about her) got a lot of financial help from his mother, my great grandma. They were fine with her while she was helping them, but the minute she was no longer financially capable of doing so, they did a total 180. Nobody in my family really likes to talk about him too much, so I don't know the extent of everything.

What I DO know is that he caused his mother an immense amount of stress, so much so that she eventually had to make regular visits to the hospital because it would greatly exacerbate her health problems. I know of at least one incident where he went to hit her, but his dad got between them and took the hit for her. He got floored, and Dan left afterward. My great grandpa was a pretty tough guy. I never met him, but I know he was a boxer during the depression era, and he could still do one-handed push-ups with each hand at 65. So it stands to reason that Dan would leave after more or less sucker punching him.

Another time, he happened to see my grandpa at a bar and they got to talking. Well, HE got to talking. It was basically just Dan ranting at length about how horrible his mother was, and how he'd never be happy until she was dead. My grandpa just waited for him to finish his little tirade and then calmly and subtly told him how stupid he was being.

He eventually drove her to death, as he was again a big contributor to her poor health. He didn't show up to the funeral, but he TRIED to be there for the will reading. I say "tried" because when his dad saw his car pulling up, he said to lock the door because "that son of a bitch couldn't be bothered to see her when it'd have mattered." She spent a good portion of her life giving Dan what she could, always holding out hope that things would go back to how they were. They never did, and she died while still believing that she could buy back his love.

Less than a year following his wife's death, my great grandpa died too. From what I heard, he just kinda gave up after she was gone. Because it wasn't allowed when this happened, he wasn't able to take Dan out of his will. So for arguably driving both of his parents to their deaths, Dan was rewarded with the vast sum of one dollar.

Dan lived for about 20 more years after this. I'm not sure when exactly he died, or what he died from, but I DO know that whatever it was was very painful for him, and that he had a very horrible death. I think I remember being told that it had something to do with his respiratory system. Only a few people went to his funeral.

Keep in mind that this is only the stuff I've been able to find out about him. I never met him personally, because he died while I was still very young (and nobody bothered with him anyway), and to this day I still don't even know what he looked like because the only pictures I've ever seen of him were from when he was a kid. I'm sure there's a ton of worse shit I don't know.

He holds the distinction of being the only person in my entire family whom nobody has a single good thing to say about. My grandmother is probably the sweetest woman you'd ever know. She doesn't have a bad thing to say about anybody (even Jeffrey is "a good kid going through a bad phase"), but she doesn't like to talk about her brother, and when she DOES talk about him it's always in a bitter, contemptful tone. I've heard him described as "vicious and ignorant."

ADDENDUM: I forgot to mention something else. He was significantly older than his wife. I think they were, like, fourteen years apart. I'm not sure when they were married exactly, but I know it was when she was still of an age where it'd have been considered weird if it happened today.

 

[El Porko Fako]

I had a room mate who was taking a Mammalogy course back in college and it was the first day. As a way to break the ice, the professor went around the class asks "What's your name and what is your favorite mammal?"

The girl sitting a few chairs over from him says "My name is ________, and my favorite animal is uhhhhhhhhh salmon." The class erupted with laughter. My room mate told me he felt his soul drain out and he no longer wanted to live.

 

[For The Internet]

I had a room mate who was taking a Mammalogy course back in college and it was the first day. As a way to break the ice, the professor went around the class asks "What's your name and what is your favorite mammal?"

The girl sitting a few chairs over from him says "My name is ________, and my favorite animal is uhhhhhhhhh salmon." The class erupted with laughter. My room mate told me he felt his soul drain out and he no longer wanted to live.

I had a similar incident in an ancient history course at my uni. We had a forum thread where we could ask any pressing questions about course content, the texts, anything like that and I fucking DIED inside when someone asked 'Why does time go backwards before the year 1000?'


There's a YT channel I follow that is comprised of two massive spergs. It's hard to stand out as a sperg in the A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones theory community given that it's a playground for spergs by default but these two manage to stand out with their insanity.
I get tinfoil theories. Like, you acknowledge that your theory is insane and likely not true but they never do that. They seriously believe they're right and that they have well-reasoned arguments. One time they released a five part series (each part about 30 minutes long) on why an annoying but not evil character is literally worse than characters who are rapists, baby killers, sadists and mass murderers (hint: because they don't like her).
Most of their arguments for their theories are bizarre nitpicking (focusing on a descriptive phrase used maybe 3 times in all 5 novels) or using their own theories as evidence of other theories. All this wouldn't be that lulzy in and of itself, but they're also incredibly arrogant and easily butthurt. If someone challenges their theories they get ridiculously offended and indignant, and if you do it more than once they decide you're a troll and block you.
This is why I can't stand theorising, but like to watch people do it.