Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Korilakkuma]

there's this girl where i live that i've run into a few times that i've always had a "aww bless" reaction to since they're always wearing really baggy nightmare before christmas hoodies and awkward clothes and i went through the same thing growing up and i never thought anything of it until i noticed they were holding some printed out laminated picture of a humanised big mac with a bunch of photoshopped screenshots of the character in the show put all around it....and uh....

 

[Adamska]

There's this guy in the Gundam fandom who really likes Gundam SEED. I mean, really likes Gundam SEED. Here's the pattern with him.

1) Someone asks about SEED and he comes in to defend the show, saying it's great.
2) Then proceeds to call the forum an Anti-SEED circlejerk.
3) Says something along the lines of "If people would open their minds, they would see that it's great."
4) Uses the show's popularity when it aired to defend it. This is over a decade ago and he will post old reviews about how great it was.
5) He will then tell the OP to avoid Gundam fansites and blogs while looking for reviews. He urges them to stay on trusted review sites aka sites where they liked SEED and likely received money to promote it back in the day.
6) In extreme cases, will demand that we respect the show.

Every. Fucking. Time. Every.

Here's the way I look at it. Open our minds? You first buddy. Posting old reviews? The audience isn't the same as it was in 2002. Besides, look at how John Carpenter's work and see how initial success and failure are irrelevant compared to the long-term reception of a work. Avoid disagreeing voices? I thought you advocated opening your mind. Demand we respect the show? What happened to free speech.

Oh shit, Benito?! I must know if he was a massive Kira fanboy. Benito was also a SEED sperg, especially with Kira.

Speaking of GUNDAM Idiocy, let me tell you the tale of the first of the Two Stooges, a pair of people who call Alberta home and ironically spell just as badly and are uniquely dumb in their own way. I only recently remembered these two dummies since I last had to deal with them years ago.

The First Stooge, who I'll call Coop, is the lesser of the two, in that I only have two really good stories on him. Let's start off with how he got fired from some regional Walmart like store. He was I believe just a stockboy, and only held that job for less than a month. How did he get fired so quickly? Well, he for reasons that can begin with a- and end in -tism hated the fuck out of his manager. This was because the manager did things like make sure his uniform was clean, he was on time, and was doing work. This was all considered slavedriving to Coop, who would regularly sob about this meanie to customers and whoever else would listen to him. This level of buttmad and regular drama sperging was not looked on nicely, and so it was decided that Coop should be pink slipped; he didn't care and thought it was liberating.

Now let's get into his GUNDAM autism. He was a huge shipping fanboy for a variety of pairings, including pairings for OO. Now I don't remember the pairings, but he was deadset on one of these pairings, Setsuna X some other chick I think, being canon when season 2 happened. When it proved that the two weren't interested, he went into an autistic shitfit and pulled a Barneyfag on /a/. Not shitting you; he wrote down this longwinded rant on why canon wasn't canon and posted and made new threads on it over and over again; literally nonstop until he got banned for being a potato. He only stopped when that happened, but I was amazed at the time for someone being so exceptional that the chans fucking booted him for it.

I think I remember his handle, so gimme a bit, and I'll see if I can find his shitty fanfictions. One of them was literally done to write how OO should've been handled.

 

[Len Kagamoney]

there's this girl where i live that i've run into a few times that i've always had a "aww bless" reaction to since they're always wearing really baggy nightmare before christmas hoodies and awkward clothes and i went through the same thing growing up and i never thought anything of it until i noticed they were holding some printed out laminated picture of a humanised big mac with a bunch of photoshopped screenshots of the character in the show put all around it....and uh....

This reminds me of a girl I went to high school with
When I was a senior, she was a super senior x2, so that there says something
she was in my gym class and would always carry around several montages of pictures of Sora from Kingdom Hearts. Sometimes she would try to draw him, sometimes she'd just look at him
she recognized me because I kinda knew her when we were kids and she latched onto me and my friends. One of my friends hated her because there was obviously something mentally wrong with her
sometimes we'd catch her sticking her hands down her pants. The teachers told her to stop a few times, but their pleas fell on deaf ears. Sometimes she'd even sniff her hand, which I imagine wouldn't smell nice.
At one point she spent $200 on a monster high doll or something...why?

also, I fucking found this video of a recolor and sora and I am here to share it with you

 

[SkinExhibit]

I feel I must elaborate on U-Haul, as he's kicked back into full gear on his Love Quest. (All of this information was provided on a public message board for a completely unrelated topic.)
Through his many, many dating website profiles, U-Haul met a girl who somehow met his insane standards and showed interest in him. According to his posts, she not only liked his personality but was actively interested in helping him lose his virginity. Asking advice from complete strangers, U-Haul prepared a date and bragged incessantly about how they "sexted" and "really seemed to hit it off."

Spoiler: Date 1

U-Haul and his lady friend agreed to set up a dinner and movie date to get to know each other better. For a week, he posted ideas of how to make this date extra-special-magical, which was mostly ignored by the other posters as off topic.
U-Haul planned to set up a high quality projector and full stereo system with blankets and pillows in an empty lot behind his apartment and stream a movie under the stars. In order to reach this field, however, his Mystery Date would have to follow him from dinner out into the suburbs, park her car in an abandoned field, and sit on the ground. Mistaking the girl's enthusiasm as desire to bump the date up sooner, U-Haul set his gear up a day too early. It had been raining. Not to be deterred, he sat out and watched a movie by himself, then packed up and drove home.
The date went pretty well, according to him, with the two of them "looking intensely and deeply into each other's eyes" all night. He later posted excitedly about hugging her (twice!), holding hands, and her agreeing to a second date.

Mind you, I see nothing wrong with this date idea. It's pretty romantic and thoughtful, but slightly inappropriate for a first time meeting someone in person.

Spoiler: Date 2

After a week or so of daily texts and an insufferably smug U-Haul posting gleefully about the sex times he was bound to get soon, he and Mystery Girl arrange for another date. She invited him to a wedding reception for a close friend (presumably in an attempt to introduce him to her social group.) Mystery Girl was apparently helping coordinate the event.
U-Haul arrives and is greeted by a flustered and slightly tipsy Mystery Girl, who directs him toward the buffet if he's hungry and ushers him to a chair. She then continues helping run the reception and greeting her other friends.
U-Haul proceeds to pout and mean-mug everyone so hard that Mystery Girl and her friends eventually are forced retreat to the bathroom. One of the other wedding guests approaches him, after an hour of U-Haul following her around and grumbling, and politely requests that he leave. In a huff, U-Haul returns home to lament what an awful, discouraging date he had. (He did not even bother saying goodbye to his date.) Several times he grumbles about how they were supposed to fuck and how other people kept talking to her and touching her hair, repeating that she was "like a different person and devoted no time to us at all!" and that sealing the evening with sex was "basically promised."
After a solid 4 hours of grumbling, U-Haul turns on the waterworks and wails that since it's her fault he had a bad time, she will have to contact him first.
He later revealed she had blocked him on Plenty of Fish and Facebook. As of now, he has sworn he did nothing wrong and that all women are a disappointment.

 

[Ho Mo for Women]

also, I fucking found this video of a recolor and sora and I am here to share it with you

Is it from the same person, or another Sora-obsessed weeb?

 

[Len Kagamoney]

Is it from the same person, or another Sora-obsessed weeb?

same gal

 

[Adamska]

Okay, I found Coop's ff.net account. Also if you wanna see more of him, just look for Cyberslayer128. By the way, I think his OTP he got banned at /a/ for was Feldt/Setsuna now that I'm looking at his account.

https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1718245/Cyberslayer-00

 

[Conrix]

This reminds me of a girl I went to high school with
When I was a senior, she was a super senior x2, so that there says something
she was in my gym class and would always carry around several montages of pictures of Sora from Kingdom Hearts. Sometimes she would try to draw him, sometimes she'd just look at him
she recognized me because I kinda knew her when we were kids and she latched onto me and my friends. One of my friends hated her because there was obviously something mentally wrong with her
sometimes we'd catch her sticking her hands down her pants. The teachers told her to stop a few times, but their pleas fell on deaf ears. Sometimes she'd even sniff her hand, which I imagine wouldn't smell nice.
At one point she spent $200 on a monster high doll or something...why?

also, I fucking found this video of a recolor and sora and I am here to share it with you

As a Kingdom Hearts fantard, all I can really do about that is cringe.

 

[Len Kagamoney]

So, it appears that Shaner is not the only one making use of that tactic...

My mom's a middle school teacher and says she had a student shit himself to get out of class
he threw a tantrum because his father wouldn't let him leave school early and simply brought a change of clothes
the kid did it again the next week

 

[Adamska]

My mom's a middle school teacher and says she had a student shit himself to get out of class
he threw a tantrum because his father wouldn't let him leave school early and simply brought a change of clothes
the kid did it again the next week

You have to be a special level of dumb to do this rather than the far more reasonable and induceable "vomit to get out of problems" card. It's still childish and lazy, but at least you don't have to clean out your fucking pants.

 

[WandererofWays]

http://www.jesusisprecious.org/

http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/

Meet David J Stewart, affectionately known as Davey, Stewie, and PedoDave. This is a man who takes the entire extreme Christian right-wing schtick to a whole new insane level with rants about more or less everything under the sun. Davey's pop culture references are usually at least twenty or more years out of date, he despises women who wear pants, thinks fun is evil, and is a rumored pedophile Davey currently resides in Guam, and unfortunately doesn't respond to interested parties who wish to pick his brain for science.

 

[DavidFerrie]

http://www.jesusisprecious.org/

http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/

Meet David J Stewart, affectionately known as Davey, Stewie, and PedoDave. This is a man who takes the entire extreme Christian right-wing schtick to a whole new insane level with rants about more or less everything under the sun. Davey's pop culture references are usually at least twenty or more years out of date, he despises women who wear pants, thinks fun is evil, and is a rumored pedophile Davey currently resides in Guam, and unfortunately doesn't respond to interested parties who wish to pick his brain for science.

I've run into this guy's stuff online. He makes Chick Comics look like Unitarianism.

 

[WandererofWays]

I've run into this guy's stuff online. He makes Chick Comics look like Unitarianism.

That's unfortunately true, he's regularly quoted at an archive site I'm part of. If you make Jack Chick look a moderate and liberal preacher, and are considered more fundie than Pat Robertsion, then you know you've neared the peak of Christian fanaticism.

I do know of a couple worse than Dave though, one of our local trolls thinks Dave isn't fundie enough, and is even more hardcore.

 

[TheImportantFart]

I know a lot of people on here consider the BlackBusterCritic a lolcow in his own right (hi A-Stump!) but I personally don't think he's that bad. I can see where people are coming from but I find him quite entertaining at times.

The people I do consider lolcows are his fans and wannabes. His fanbase is almost entirely made up of A-Logs, weens and spergs. Seriously, go to the comment section of any of his videos he does on Sonicfags, or Pooh's Adventures, or Trainfags and you will see a slew of comments along the lines of: "I'm autistic, but I'm better than the person in this video because [insert powerleveling here]" or "I'm so angry because these people give the Sonic fanbase and autistics a bad name!". A lot of them take it upon themselves to go after the people he talks about in his videos and leave painfully unfunny comments on their dA pages or whatever. To this day, people are *still* leaving comments on MichaelDragon800's dA page like: "When you tap, he faps" or "Why do you get off to tap dancing girls?". That was years ago peeps. Time to move.

And this brings me onto his wannabes. A fair few people take this a step further and think they can be the next BBC. Cue a string of excruciatingly bad commentaries and videos that usually just reiterate points BBC made himself with only a bit more rage, sperging and a lot less humour and talent to distinguish them from his videos. There used to be a guy called SavageBroadcast who was drawn to my attention because he made yet another MichaelDragon800 video years after the drama had ended calling him out. He also made videos attacking internet reviewers who'd criticised films he liked. The best way to describe these videos is to imagine if one of the anti-Enter spergs from the Entersphere subforum started a YouTube channel. He managed to amass a small following of butthurt children who also hated the reviewers he'd attacked but he seems to have disappeared now. Can't say I'm sorry for the loss.

Here's a small smattering from the BBC wannabe hall of shame:

Spoiler: Some unfunny guy screaming

Spoiler: Check out this guy's gallery after you've finished reading and marvel at the hypocrisy

http://dracocharizard87.deviantart.com/journal/Top-10-Infamous-Sonic-Fags-505225970

 

[Jewelsmakerguy]

I know a lot of people on here consider the BlackBusterCritic a lolcow in his own right (hi A-Stump!) but I personally don't think he's that bad. I can see where people are coming from but I find him quite entertaining at times.

The people I do consider lolcows are his fans and wannabes. His fanbase is almost entirely made up of nice blokes, cool guys and spergs. Seriously, go to the comment section of any of his videos he does on Sonicfags, or Pooh's Adventures, or Trainfags and you will see a slew of comments along the lines of: "I'm autistic, but I'm better than the person in this video because [insert powerleveling here]" or "I'm so angry because these people give the Sonic fanbase and autistics a bad name!". A lot of them take it upon themselves to go after the people he talks about in his videos and leave painfully unfunny comments on their dA pages or whatever. To this day, people are *still* leaving comments on MichaelDragon800's dA page like: "When you tap, he faps" or "Why do you get off to tap dancing girls?". That was years ago peeps. Time to move.

And this brings me onto his wannabes. A fair few people take this a step further and think they can be the next BBC. Cue a string of excruciatingly bad commentaries and videos that usually just reiterate points BBC made himself with only a bit more rage, sperging and a lot less humour and talent to distinguish them from his videos. There used to be a guy called SavageBroadcast who was drawn to my attention because he made yet another MichaelDragon800 video years after the drama had ended calling him out. He also made videos attacking internet reviewers who'd criticised films he liked. The best way to describe these videos is to imagine if one of the anti-Enter spergs from the Entersphere subforum started a YouTube channel. He managed to amass a small following of butthurt children who also hated the reviewers he'd attacked but he seems to have disappeared now. Can't say I'm sorry for the loss.

Here's a small smattering from the BBC wannabe hall of shame:

Spoiler: Some unfunny guy screaming

Spoiler: Check out this guy's gallery after you've finished reading and marvel at the hypocrisy

http://dracocharizard87.deviantart.com/journal/Top-10-Infamous-Sonic-Fags-505225970

Oh shit, anyone remember this from the dA horrors thread?

Spoiler

 

[TheImportantFart]

Oh shit, anyone remember this from the dA horrors thread?

Spoiler

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Jesus. And the guy had the gall to call out Guptill89.

 

[Marionette]

One of these days I need to sit down and tell my stories of when I took Intro to Animation in high school.

If you can imagine the worst parts of the internet combined into 20+ students who haven't showered, all hunched over their macs fighting about whether Maya or Blender is the superior program and adding My Little Pony or some internet meme to their homework... You get the idea.

It was even worse when I took portfolio in senior year. Because for that period there was only me and one other kid for Portfolio, we were bunched up with all the Intro kids. Since we weren't assigned anything I instead got to listen to the new kiddies while finishing art pieces and my god.

The best part is I'm buds with the instructor so every week after I'm done with college classes, I'll drop by and say hey and also get to witness Autism at it's finest.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

I've got a couple lolcows in my family:

Spoiler: Cousin Jeffrey

First up is Cousin Jeffrey. Jeffrey is (obviously) my cousin on my dad's side. He's around my age (early 20's), but he's a spoiled, bratty child of a man. If you watched American Horror Story: Freak Show, he and his mother are basically real-life versions of Dandy and Gloria Mott. If you haven't, I'll elaborate. Jeffrey's mother, my aunt, is a single woman who basically bends over backwards for him. She coddles him and does literally everything for him, and he openly and shamelessly treats her like shit. He constantly berates her, and I have heard the phrase, "mom, don't talk like an idiot," or some variation of it enough to be a millionaire if one could get paid for things like that.

His treatment of the rest of the family isn't really any better. A few years ago, when he was about 16, my family threw a birthday party for my younger cousin (not Jeffrey's sister, he has no siblings; she's from a different uncle). She was about 8 at the time, and we had a Pokémon themed party for her. Well, Jeffrey wanted the decorations for...some reason. I honestly still have no idea why he wanted them. He likes Pokémon, but there was no reason for him to want them. He asked his aunt, her mother, if he could have the streamers that the birthday girl's sister made for her, and when he was told that he couldn't, he sperged out and ripped them down. This, of course, caused his aunt to get pissed off at him. She started yelling at him, so he went over to the table where the presents were neatly stacked and knocked them all over (it was later found that he'd even managed to break one of them doing this). He flipped us all off and stormed out of the house. His mother apologized on his behalf, looking like she was about to cry (and I don't blame her), and followed him out and they left. I later learned that the most punishment he'd received from this was having his computer taken away from him...for the rest of that day only. Again, this was when he was 16. A 16-year-old threw a temper tantrum because he wanted the decorations for an 8-year-old's birthday party.

He's only gotten worse since then. Since graduating high school, he's gone on to do absolutely nothing at all. He did get a job a couple months after graduation, as a stockperson at a local grocery store. I don't really have any specific stories from that, though I do know that he was a stubborn and difficult employee who yelled at a customer on at least one occasion. He only got that job because the son of a friend of his mother's was a shift manager there. Much like Len Shaner at Sears, having connections to a manager allowed him to get away with tons of shit that should've gotten him fired. He only worked there for about five months. That manager got transferred to another store, and the new manager wouldn't put up with Jeffrey's shit and he got fired pretty soon after. Since then, he's done absolutely nothing but sit around playing video games and leeching off of his mother. Pretty much everyone in the family hates him, not only because he's an asshole, but because he "sucks the life out of her," as they say. They're pretty mad at her, too, for letting him get away with everything, but they generally hold her in higher regard. Jeffrey's probably aware that most of his family hates him, but he most likely doesn't care. Shame's never been an emotion that came easy to him.

And yes, he's autistic. But he's still a spoiled asshole.

Spoiler: Aunt Debbie

The other prominent lolcow in my family is my aunt Debbie. She's not Jeffrey's mother, she's married to a different uncle. Anyway, I swear she has bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder or something. She's always calling people in the family to complain about my uncle, but then she'll be totally fine a day later. For example, one night she called my mother to complain that my uncle had gotten drunk during one of their date nights and accidentally caused his motorcycle to fall on her. Ignoring the fact that motorcycles are generally heavy enough to put someone in the hospital if they had one fall on them, there was no reason for her to call my mother about this at all. The very next day, she called back and told an entirely different story about the day, basically painting it as a magical evening. This is a regular occurrence for her, and it's impossible to tell what's real and what's made up with her.

She's also got a very weird habit of making "nice" gestures and then forgetting about them. She's nice to the point of being pushy. This one time, we went over to their house, and she started talking to me about movies. She showed me their DVD collection and basically said, "[Darwin], you have to watch this movie, it's so good" about every single movie they had. She asked me if I wanted to borrow one of them and I basically said "sure, why not?" But then she started having me borrow another, and another. I'd decline but she'd basically make me take them. I ended up going home that day with half of their movies in a bag, none of which I really even wanted in the first place. About two days later, I get a call, and it's her. She yells at me for taking all their movies, even though she's the one who insisted I take them. Again, this is a regular occurrence. At a relative's wedding, she brings me a plate of food. Even though it's a nice gesture, I'd already eaten, and didn't particularly care for anything she put on the plate. I thanked her for it and she went on her way. I didn't really want any of what she brought, so I didn't eat it. About an hour later, she yells at me for not eating anything, even though I had eaten, and didn't ask her for any of it anyway.

And just in case you were wondering, Jeffrey didn't do anything to ruin this wedding, because he and his mother weren't invited. They were specifically left off the guest list because no one wanted Jeffrey making an ass of himself and ruining everyone else's good time.

I don't see Cousin Jeffrey much anymore, thankfully, but I've got a few more stories about him. Since we're pretty close in age (he's, like, eight months older than me), our parents made us hang out a lot. So, here are some more Jeffrey stories!

Spoiler: Jeffrey at Christmastime

So, back in 2009, Jeffrey decided that he wanted a Nintendo Wii. He already had a PS3 and an Xbox 360, but we had a Wii, and Prince Jeffrey hated the fact that someone else had something that he didn't. His birthday's pretty close to Christmas, so his mother would have the family over to their house every year in a simultaneous Christmas/Birthday party. Jeffrey would always have to wait to open his Christmas presents, because of the "birthday" aspect of the get-togethers.

Well, again, Jeffrey had decided that he wanted a Wii in 2009. Whatever Jeffrey wants, Jeffrey gets, so of course he got one for his birthday/Christmas. Given the fact that he was (and still is) a spoiled brat, watching him open presents tended to be...unpleasant. Especially if he didn't get what he wanted. So, he got the Wii, along with a shit-ton of games and the balance board. You'd think that this would be an awesome present, right? Wrong. See, New Super Mario Bros. Wii had just come out the previous month, and of course, Jeffrey really wanted it. He got around ten games, but not that one.

Instead of appreciating what he did get, Jeffrey was furious and asked his mother to follow him to another room. The door was shut behind them, but we could all hear Jeffrey yelling at her about "ruining [his] day," and telling her to "stick to the list" (referring to the fact that she'd gotten him games he hadn't asked for. They returned and acted as though nothing had happened, and the party awkwardly continued. That was a regular occurrence with them. They'd try to keep up a normal appearance, but it was pretty obvious that Jeffrey ruled over that house with an iron fist.

And for the record, he barely even used that fucking Wii. He played it for, like, three months and then never again. Last I heard, it was sitting in its box in his closet. He literally just wanted it to have it.

Spoiler: Jeffrey's Girlfriend

Despite his terrible personality, Jeffrey's reasonably attractive, appearance-wise. He knows it, too, and goes out of his way to make sure he looks good. He's the type to gel his hair and spray cologne for a trip to the store, just so he can be the best-looking person in the building. Yes, he actually has said this out loud. His looks don't really help him much, though, because he's terrible at acting like a normal person for extended periods of time. He can be personable when he wants to be, but don't you dare disagree with him, or do something he doesn't like, or there will be hell to pay. Needless to say, he's...not much of a dater.

However, he did manage to get a girlfriend when he was 18. As I said, he's capable of acting like a normal person when he wants to, and he managed to seduce a poor girl. For a few months, everything actually went pretty well for him. He started being less of a dick, and actually started acting almost pleasant. It seemed as though this was the first time he'd genuinely cared about another person beyond their utility to him. But unfortunately, it didn't last.

After about four or five months, he started getting really clingy and jealous. From what I observed, he basically required her to be at his beck and call and she pretty much had to update him with her location at all times. He always accused her of cheating on him, even though (to my knowledge) he had no reason to believe she was. I'm not sure if he ever physically abused her, though I did see him manhandle her on more than one occasion. She told me once that he'd threatened to beat her 'till she was unrecognizable if he ever caught her cheating.

After they eventually broke up, I learned the real reasoning behind all of this. Apparently, Jeffrey, aware of the fact that he wouldn't always have his mother, was attempting to get a girl to fall for him so he could marry her and leech off of her like he currently does to his mother. He chose her in particular because she was a med student, and he figured that if she became a doctor, she'd have a lot of money and he wouldn't have to work. His paranoia about her cheating caused his regular personality to show through, which caused her to dump him for being "a child."

Spoiler: Jeffrey in School

Jeffrey is autistic, but he's not that autistic. He's just got a shitty attitude, and was coddled too much by his mother. If anything, I think he might be a sociopath. He still went to normal school and took normal classes. He and I went to the same school, actually, but I generally tried to avoid him. He was in some of my classes, though, and was as immature and uncooperative as ever.

He'd go out of his way to disobey teachers whom he didn't like. Seeing as how he didn't like anyone who corrected him, or did things to inconvenience him, he was generally a problem student. One time, for example, after a teacher got mad at him for not doing his homework, and punished him, he sat there in silence for about ten minutes with his head down. About ten minutes later, he stood up, called the teacher a bitch, and then started screaming at her about how she'd "bully" him and stuff. He was, like, half screaming half crying. Keep in mind that it was entirely his fault in the first place. He never did his work in that class. He screamed at her for a good ten minutes, punched the blackboard hard enough to leave a small dent, and stormed out of the classroom. The teacher calmly called the office, who then radioed one of the security guards, who caught him in the hall and escorted him to the office. He got suspended for a week, and was kicked out of the class. He'd been a shitty student the whole year, and the teacher probably used the incident as an excuse to get rid of him.

His relations with fellow students weren't much better. As would be expected, he had a reputation as a dick around the school. Nobody really liked him. They tolerated him at best, and hated him at worst. I had the same gym class as him. Our gym class was pretty awesome, because the teachers pretty much just let us do whatever we wanted as long as we were up and about. Jeffrey really liked to play four square ("playing some square," he'd call it sometimes). If you read the other stories, you probably know where this is going. Jeffrey HATED getting out. Any time he got out, he'd stomp his foot really loud, or punch a wall, or scream obscenities. Other people would make fun of him behind his back for this. Sometimes, he'd angrily spike the ball really hard, or yell at the person who got him out. On a few occasions, he even tried to whip the ball at them. One time in particular, this one kid who was also known for having his fair share of anger problems (though he wasn't nearly as immature or spergy as Jeffrey) played, and got Jeffrey out. Jeffrey immediately goes into full-on sperg mode and starts getting in the kid's face and cursing at him. The kid, who by this point had had quite enough of Jeffrey's shit, pushed him so hard that he fell flat on his ass. He ended up getting in trouble for it, but I'm sure it was worth it, because Jeffrey was quiet for, like, a week after that.

Spoiler: Jeffrey Attempts to Drown My Sister

This is a shorter one. One cool thing about Jeffrey is that he has an in-ground pool at his house. His mom's pretty rich, so they can afford stuff like that. We used to like to go over to his house just so we could play in the pool. That stopped when I was 13 and Jeffrey was 14. My sister (who was 11 at the time) and I went over to Jeffrey's house while our parents went...somewhere. I forget. But it doesn't matter.

We played video games for a while, when it was suggested that we go swimming. We'd been getting along with Jeffrey fairly well that day. Or at least as well as you can get along with him. Well, my sister kept spraying him with a squirt gun. It annoyed him, so he told her she'd regret if she did it again. She never gave a shit about his threats so she did it again just to spite him. He went over to her and dunked her head under the water and held it there for about 20 seconds before I realized that he wasn't about to let her up any time soon. So, I did what any good brother would do: I tackled him (about as well as you can tackle someone in a pool) and punched him in the face. My sister was okay, but she was naturally a little shook up at first.

We got out of the pool and just for good measure, I punched him in the stomach now that I could. After he regained his composure from that, he tried to tell his mom that we ganged up on him to get us in trouble. She believed him, of course, and called our mom. Luckily, mom believed us, and we didn't go over to Jeffrey's for a while after that.

 

[The Great Citracett]

I shared the story of Gilbert, Class hero for staring down the evil teacher and chugging an entire bottle of shampoo. I suppose I could tell some tales of just how awful this teacher was.

Our school had this thing called "team teaching" where there were two teachers for each subject, the student body was split in half. One half being taught by one "Team" of teachers, the other half by the other. You probably don't need to be told that while it was supposedly a random split, one "Teaching Team" was composed mainly of shit-tier teachers, and the other one of more fun, hands-on, creative types. Same with students. Poorer kids and ones whose parents didn't care got the shit teachers, and rich preppy types got the fun ones, usually because their parents would call in and bitch if their kid was lumped in on the wrong team.

I was poor, not terribly popular, and my parents didn't care at all. I got the shitty teachers. All but like 2 of my friends did also so I wasn't alone at least, and gym classes, recess and lunch all students were together for.

This particular teacher was the science teacher. She didn't know or care much about science though. Quite obviously a rather butchy lesbian, and definitely a man-hater. Bore an extremely uncanny resemblance to Rosie O'Donnell. This was when the Rosie O'Donnell Show was at peak popularity, and Rosie never had a bigger fan than this woman. She looked like Rosie, talked like her, copied her mannerisms, and sometimes dressed like her. She had Rosie dolls all over her desk, a plushy talking one, and the barbie type one. Just absolutely obnoxious. The worst was that she had those koosh balls everywhere, but also the koosh shooter slingshot like Rosie would shoot into the audience. If we had questions, we had to raise our hands and she'd call on us by shooting us with those koosh things. That and she'd constantly call us "cutie-falooties", kinda like how Rosie called people "cutie-patooties". Blech.

She also liked to redecorate the room on Fridays. Why Fridays? Those were football game days when all the cheerleaders came to school in their cheerleading outfits. She'd have them climb up the ladders to hang things (because they were so small and light you see) and she'd hold the ladder, because she was a rather sturdy woman. Not because she could look up skimpy cheerleader skirts, oh no.

She was also a gym teacher, but her lessons were basically just making us all jog the whole time around and around the gym while she cranked the dance techno mix of "What's up" by 4 Non-blondes on repeat.

The other science teacher was insanely cool and fun like Bill Nye or Beakman, and there was a folding wall between the science rooms and we'd be doing paperwork and hear all the explosions and stuff going on in his class. One time they folded open the wall and he came in dressed as Einstein and gave a pretty cool lecture in character and everything. Cue our teacher popping in, in full Rosie attire (red pantsuit, hairdo, and kooshballs aplenty) and interviewed him. As Rosie. Was bizarre.

The weirdest thing was the TazMaster incident. One day, my friends and I walked in the school and were greeted by the Beastie Boys blasting from the science room. Somebody had "Fight for your right" on repeat at max volume. It was the Tazmaster. Our normally Rosie-esque teacher was dressed in black leather, spikes, ripped denim and a bandanna. Sporting one fingerless glove with a picture of Taz on it and dancing wildly in the hall outside the room. We all went in the room and sat down as she danced her way in. Not once during all this did she turn the music off or down, or change the song. It was 45 minutes of that one song. The goal was apparently to teach us about atoms. She began:

"Yo yo yo, as the teacha, ya might think I'm a taskmaster, but lemme tell ya I'm the TAZmaster! So just the other day me an my crew went to see that movie TRON! We loved it so much we named our crew the PRO-TRONS, and then, my homies all seen it too and they all love that new TRON movie so they call themselves the NEW-TRONS and now we all hang out tight together! But Ohh, Man,now these guys that also love TRON want to join the crew, but they just keep circling round outside callin' themselves the ELECT-TRONS!..."

I can't even remember where she ended up going with that story, but the TazMaster persona made a few more appearances. Also, this was around 1999 and we were 8th graders. None of us knew what TRON was. And those who paid attention actually failed the test because of the job she did explaining atoms.

If I can figure out how to post pictures, I actually have some pretty great stuff on my very own personal LolCow I'd love to share.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

Even though I said that I never had a relationship with a lolcow before, I realized that was completely false. I do know a pretty bad lolcow, as she's my current roommate. Let's call her Amanda. Amanda is completely batshit.

Amanda, at first glance, seems completely normal. She considers herself an outspoken feminist, which in my opinion I don't think is a bad thing as long as you don't venture into SJW territory and just believe that women are equal to men in every way, like I do. We got along well at first. There were things she did that annoyed me. Like insisting that I turned the lights off when she went to bed, even it was as early as 8:30 at night. Even though I often had homework to do, I complied since I didn't want to start any drama. But the more and more she talked about her current problems to me, the more I realized that something was....off about her. She claimed that she was sexually harassed out of a job once, which at first I felt bad considering I do think sexism still exists in certain work circles. But the more and more she talked about her work history, she made it seemed like she was constantly harassed for being female, which didn't make much sense to me. It's not the 1950s afterall. The real turning point was when she once admitted that she had been fired from several jobs in the past, which completely baffled me. I can understand being fired from one job if the boss was a douche but several? Fuck, I never been fired from a job in my entire life (I've been written up a few times but both instances had nothing to do with my behavior but rather the fact that I fucked something up). She also was convinced that the guy who allegedly harassed her was deliberately trying to ruin her name in political circles in San Francisco (she works in politics). Another time she was telling me that when she went on a job interview and realized that the person interviewing her liked some other guy more, which she thought was sexist (And in turn, I thought that was bullshit). I was starting to realize that Amanda seemed like the type of person who never took responsibility for her own actions and instead often relied on half baked excuses on why things in her life went wrong. In this case, it was "sexism."

The boiling point of all this happened on last Thursday night when she came home around 1 in the morning. I was trying to sleep since I had class the next day. What does this bitch do? Turns on the fucking light. Since I'm like a vampire and can only sleep in extreme darkness, this wakes me up and I'm not amused. But I ask her nicely if she would turn off the light because I'm trying to sleep. Her response? "No." Are you fucking serious? Despite being rather taken aback, I wait a couple of minutes in case she'll turn off the light. She doesn't. I tell her "Amanda, I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow morning. Can you please turn the light off?" Her response? "Well, there's been times where I had to wake up at five in the morning and yet you kept me up!" This completely surprises me since I always tired to be extra careful in regards to not waking her up. It also pisses me off. So I get up and slam the door. Not my proudest moment but it was subtle attempt of telling her to go fuck herself. I wait outside in the hallway but it's really cold and I'm shivering, so I have no choice but to go back in my room. So when I do, she still has to gall to ask me if I'm okay? The self awareness she lacks is amazing.

Since I don't want to deal with her, I go to my mom's house for the weekend. Today, still feeling upset but willing to talk things out, I shoot her a text saying "Look, I don't like how you treated me last Thursday night but I'm willing to talk things out and I hope we can be good roommates and friends regardless." A few minutes later, she replies telling me that she's not sorry and that it's my fault that I wasn't being considerate to the fact that she needs to brush her teeth and wash her face (You couldn't do this in the bathroom? Whatever.) and that I'm a shitty roommate in general. Then it hits me. Everything suddenly makes perfect sense. Amanda, despite being almost 30 (her 29th birthday was last week), has an entitled princess attitude and when people have tired to call her out on it, instead of realizing what she did wrong like a normal person spins it around and makes seem like the other person is the bad guy. I'm not the first person she has done this too nor will I be the last. Although it's rather petty and classless, I really want to tell her that the reason people don't like her isn't because she's a woman who speaks her mind (I am too), but because she's an insufferable cunt.

Looks like I'm gonna be shacking up at my mom's place for the next couple of weeks until I find a new place to live.