Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Feline Darkmage]

Okay guys, time for me to tell you all a story. This story is about a man I lived on the same street as for at least half a dozen years. His name was Steve.

Steve highlights
-Alcoholic Trailer Trash
-Committed theft of local grocery store shopping carts
-He left said carts all over literally blocks and blocks of the city. They would turn up in the park, down the hill, next to his trailer, in random apartment building parking lots, you name it and he probably put that shopping cart there.
-Arrested several times for drug related offenses, which escalated all the way up to meth by the time he left for good
-Mostly kept to himself, but bugged a few of the neighbor kids by screaming things out into the night while normal people were asleep
-Reminds me somewhat of tumblr lolcow methed-up-samurai in some ways, mostly in being a druggie

That's all I have remembered right now, he was kind of an in joke with my neighborhood friends/family for the longest time because he was such a useless druggie, but he was also kind of a tragic tale despite the minor amusement that he caused, he may not have actually been in control of himself due to having some kind of mental illness.

 

[MarvinTheParanoidAndroid]

Okay guys, time for me to tell you all a story. This story is about a man I lived on the same street as for at least half a dozen years. His name was Steve.

Steve highlights
-Alcoholic Trailer Trash
-Committed theft of local grocery store shopping carts
-He left said carts all over literally blocks and blocks of the city. They would turn up in the park, down the hill, next to his trailer, in random apartment building parking lots, you name it and he probably put that shopping cart there.
-Arrested several times for drug related offenses, which escalated all the way up to meth by the time he left for good
-Mostly kept to himself, but bugged a few of the neighbor kids
-Reminds me somewhat of tumblr lolcow methed-up-samurai in some ways, mostly in being a druggie

That's all I have remembered right now, he was kind of an in joke with my neighborhood friends/family for the longest time because he was such a useless druggie, but he was also kind of a tragic tale despite the minor amusement that he caused, he may not have actually been in control of himself due to having some kind of mental illness.

The illness you're thinking of is called "addiction".

 

[Feline Darkmage]

The illness you're thinking of is called "addiction".

Yeah but I guess he had something else too that caused him to get addicted from reports that I'm getting from a friend.

 

[NQ 952]

If you tweet Kyle Kalgren about eggnog, he'll block you because he's afraid you're going to assassinate him.

True story.

 

[MarvinTheParanoidAndroid]

If you tweet Kyle Kalgren about eggnog, he'll block you because he's afraid you're going to assassinate him.

True story.

I heard Kyle would actually keep every other TGWTG member blocked on Twitter and Facebook, shittalk them while they couldn't see and then unblock them whenever he needed a cameo for one of his videos, only to block them again when he was done with them. Any truth to that?

 

[NQ 952]

I heard Kyle would actually keep every other TGWTG member blocked on Twitter and Facebook, shittalk them while they couldn't see and then unblock them whenever he needed a cameo for one of his videos, only to block them again when he was done with them. Any truth to that?

No fucking clue. All I know is that when he attends things like ConBravo he wont leave his hotel room because he's legit scared he'll get the shit beat out of him by several people, and he's probably right tbh.

My only interaction with him - this was the first time I had ever even heard of him - was when he started to shittalk me because of some political nonsense. I think I made fun of TranTaku for being an attention whore during the whole Fuck Pop Quiz Hotshot saga, or maybe it was something else. I don't remember, but it eventually involved lamps and eggnog. It's so fucking strange and I seriously don't remember (or care about) all of it.

The only thing I remember for certain is that he blocked me on Twitter and Facebook over a picture of eggnog, and he posted about how he was terrified of our "ideology." Our scary ideology of lamps and eggnog. It was so fucking weird.

Dude's fucking paranoid schizo.

 

[XYZpdq]

-Committed theft of local grocery store shopping carts
-He left said carts all over literally blocks and blocks of the city. They would turn up in the park, down the hill, next to his trailer, in random apartment building parking lots, you name it and he probably put that shopping cart there.

Bless him for liberating those carts from their oppressors.

 

[Yellow Yam Scam]

Found this weirdo in the recomended videos for one of CWC's paid vids...

"The Queen Of Shade":

https://www.youtube.com/user/AmorMuse

It's hundreds and hundreds of 10-20 second clips of uh, I guess, "wisdom" from a flamboyant gay man. Not really a lolcow, I think, just kind of...something to marvel at...

He also makes some very odd music:

https://twitter.com/ILoveMyDuphots/status/746099590563266560

"What if you lost your secret/The men that I have chosen/Diseased me for no reason/What if it [the condom] had broken?"

 

[Zeorus]

Found this weirdo in the recomended videos for one of CWC's paid vids...

"The Queen Of Shade":

https://www.youtube.com/user/AmorMuse

It's hundreds and hundreds of 10-20 second clips of uh, I guess, "wisdom" from a flamboyant gay man. Not really a lolcow, I think, just kind of...something to marvel at...

I disagree - there could be some potential here. Make a thread!

 

[Beelzebabe]

So at the behest of a friend and for my own amusement (and hopefully for the amusement of others), I've decided to write up the tales of my own personal Lolcows. Being a Goth woman with immensely geeky interests and leanings has always brought the attention of a variety of people, of both pleasurable and tawdry natures. I was also more or less a doormat for the last 8 years of my life, and this drew many people who used me as a Yes Man, so I picked up a lot of douches along the way. I was once being a teenager whose catchphrase was "Eat a bag of dicks." I was annoying as fuck, in retrospect, but I always seemed to attract kids around my age. People loved my energy, I suppose.

To be fair, a little bit about me, Beelzebabe, now 25, Female, ADD, anxiety issues, recovering from an eating disorder, but I'm medicated and my issues, they're under control. Geeky, too nice, I don't like being needlessly rude to people if I can avoid it. I have trouble saying no to most people (but I'm working on it,) Goth chick who has been out of the scene for a long time. I'm usually a lurker, and made this account for posting this. My friends gave me a nickname while I was writing this up, "Snow White and the Seven NeckDwarves" as I listed off the lolcows. I tucked it into a spoiler tag since its so fucking long.

Spoiler: Cody

My first personal Lolcow was Cody, or as I also knew him Naruto540. I met him and my two ex-best friends, the Twins, at age 11 and played Runescape with them until age 14 when I met my first "internet boyfriend" Joe (he'll be the next topic), which really consisted of a lot of saccharine sweet words being thrown at one another and more Runescape.

So its 2005, we're all playing IMVU, Runescape, GaiaOnline, MySpace and MCR is all the rage. Naruto is just starting to get big. Cody was a MASSIVE, weeaboo. I mean massive, constantly buying shit about Naruto offline, from Hot Topic, from catalogs and always buying manga. He had the body of an obese aunt, full on pear-shaped, and until then I never knew you could have two lazy eyes. Now I think I'm average, but this kid was beat with the ugly stick until the ugly stick lost its watch.

He lived a town over and we used to get together to play Pokemon, MTG, see movies, all that. I'm only 5'3 (160 cm), and he stood maybe a couple inches taller, had sandy hair that stuck to his forehead with sweat, and boy did he ever sweat a lot. Maybe he had a condition, but it was always matted to the nape of his neck and forehead. He smelled... weird. Nothing that I could ever pinpoint. It wasn't sweet, or meaty. Not like decay, or like ass cheese (my half-brother is autistic and rarely bathed, I am all too familiar with that smell), but something more like ancient B-12 tablets.

Cody was obsessed with Saw and Guro. He used to send me Hostel-esque play writing he'd come up with, cause I was the resident Goth girl and that obviously meant I was into that kind of thing. Either way, eventually he took quite a shine to me. To the point of jealousy. I'd already affirmed that I didn't like him in that specific way, much to his disdain.

Cody kept insisting that I wasn't happy with Joe and that I'd be happier with him. I continuously rebuffed him. Eventually, he seemed to give up and resigned me to "cold hearted bitch" status. A few weeks go by, we're working on our ingenious new idea of starting a free-player fishing ring on World 25 of RS! All the Lobsters for good prices, when he introduces PhilVicious. Phil was an older guy, early 20s. Phil even claimed to be a Juggalo (even had pictures of him in clown face once! Wish I'd saved them, but that was a dogs age ago,) and was into heavy metal, industrial, all that shit that tried to appeal to me.

To be frank, I didn't like him either. He came off the same way as Cody did. Mentally unstable, mean, annoyingly rude, always avoided talking on ICQ. And then starts the insisting "Leave Joe, I love you more." I tell him to fuck off after enduring a few hours of a sappy, autistic 14 year olds desperate love-barrage. So he says he's gonna kill himself and signs off of AIM, ICQ, all his stuff.

I'm admittedly freaking out. I'm 15 by now, I'm losing my mind, I think I'm gonna get arrested, cause the next day Cody tells me Phil threw himself down the stairs of his house onto a screwdriver and died, leaving a note that blamed me.

Paranoia and depression ensue. Needless to say, I wasn't doing so hot. A few weeks later I turn 16 and me and Joe finally break-up. In the long run, Joe had been fucking his half-sister Summer (she was a LOT younger) and Cody comes back around, "So Bee, I think you suffered enough. that suicide stuff was bullshit, I was Phil. I wanted you to feel how YOU made ME feel for not loving me. You deserved some of your own medicine. I think you're ready to accept me as your boyfriend now, though."

Needless to say, I lost my shit at him and we never talked again, despite him trying to go through all possible channels, as if his long con would win my heart in the end. Funny how that works.

 

[AnotherForumUser]

Found this weirdo in the recomended videos for one of CWC's paid vids...

"The Queen Of Shade":

https://www.youtube.com/user/AmorMuse

It's hundreds and hundreds of 10-20 second clips of uh, I guess, "wisdom" from a flamboyant gay man. Not really a lolcow, I think, just kind of...something to marvel at...

He also makes some very odd music:

https://twitter.com/ILoveMyDuphots/status/746099590563266560

"What if you lost your secret/The men that I have chosen/Diseased me for no reason/What if it [the condom] had broken?"

This man isn't a lolcow, he's simply brilliant.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Jeffrey's politisperging continues. So, after that last update, where he posted about wanting to kill himself if Trump lost, he now has it in his head that he wants to be President.

Despite the fact that he's a spoiled NEET who got fired from his only job for being a jackass and doesn't know shit about politics.

Case in point: He says he'd fight ISIS by suspending the Constitution.

 

[Neem0]

Tim Byrne is a middle aged British man who seems to always be covered in thick sweat and lesions. He has clear mental issues, probably paranoid schizophrenia, and frequently uploads to youtube. He writes his home address in the description of his videos.

Most of what he produces are very poor quality song covers which I'd advice against watching if you value sanity.
Also a lot of what he says appears to be incomprehensible quickly spoken nonsense.
The interesting bit is that he's is paranoid that a man called "the Dentist" is out to get him and ruin his life. He walks around his street, talking incoherently about where he thinks he's seen the Dentist.
Tim also has a large collection of old dirty teddy bears which he treats like his family. Tim's also likely to be evicted and made homeless in the coming weeks.

Some Brits on some imageboards discovered his videos and have ordered him pizzas and mailed him cryptic messages about the Dentist and pictures of posters from their threads. Others hope that he'll be sent to a mental hospital for his own safety once he's homeless.

So far Tim is basically unknown to the internet, he hasn't really responded to much to the stuff he's received from his fans other than briefly mentioning that he believes the letters are from the Dentist's employees.
If anything interesting actually happens from this and Tim looses the plot, I'll give you an update.

 

[DykesDykesChina]

I was sitting in a garden pub, enjoying a cup of coffee and a book... or at least trying to enjoy those. It wasn't before long that a loud, monotonous, grating voice sprung up, emanating from a table a few meters away, where a group of people were sitting. Among them, a kid in his late teens or early twenties was talking at the top of his voice, without every hesitating or letting up.

"The homogay faggot conspiracy has already conquered France, it's all sissies and gay pussies there, now they're trying to take over Germany. They cannot subjugate Russia because Russia is the only strong, manly, heroic nation left. Russia will never be sissified, the gay conspiracy doesn't stand a chance. I really want to go to Russia. I once told someone that Russia is the best nation, and he said: 'But they don't like gays', and I was like: 'Come on, they don't stone them like in Saudi Arabia -- unfortunately.' That sure shut him up! Okay, sure, stoning may be a bit much. But we really need to stand up to the homogay faggots! They want to brainwash us all into gay faggot sissies."

This tirade went on for what seemed like two hours. Occassionally the kid went into different topics, e.g. that he would have made a great Prussian soldier in World War I, or this: "Of course, the Berlin Wall needed to be built! They had to keep out capitalist invaders!" AFAIK even hardcore oldschool communists don't believe that myth any longer... but then, even hardcore oldschool communists are on average slightly less autistic than this kid.

The other people at his table didn't get to say much, nor did they make any attempt to shut him up. Either they agreed with him and saw him as a kind of spokesman for them all, or they wanted to avoid him flying into a temper tantrum or something.

How come people who constantly rage against homosexuals and profess to hate them... talk about nothing else all day through? It may have something to do with being deep deep in the closet...

One may wonder whether this kid will enter a tomgirl phase in a few years time and try to drill a vajayjay into his crotch with a hammer drill.

 

[Rudol von Stroheim]

There's a woman I work with; well - she works in another department but otherwise we do have quite a lot of interactions and she is bat-shit. I actually went to school with her when we were kids and let's just put it this way; she hasn't changed at all.
All that's different is that she now fucks anything that gives her attention. We're both in our early twenties and recently she was bragging to me about how she's fucked easily between 20-30 people. She was then shocked I told her I'd never cheated on my other half.
Other than this; she told me she used to shit herself all the time. She told me she once smeared shit on her parent's car in order to pass it off as mud. Whenever I'm in work with her; nobody wants to be around her because she sexually harasses the men and annoys the women.
I used to think she was pretty entertaining; but now I can only handle her in doses. More than half and hour with her and I'm close to developing a brain tumor.

 

[An Sionnach Seang]

not so long ago I remembered about a lad I used to go to college with (that's college in the British sense, i.e. an intermediate stage between school and university/skilled work, not the American sense) who could definitely have qualified as a personal lolcow

he was called Adam, and although he was a high academic achiever, he was quite dim in a way only the very intellectual can be, as if their intellect has had a numerical overflow and turned into stupidity; in terms of personality, he was a cross between a stereotypical public schoolboy and Alan Partridge

I used to be in the same maths class as him, and although I found him quite irritating as a person, he was a priceless source of entertainment

Spoiler: Adam and humour

Adam had a very poor grasp of irony and sarcasm, no sense of humour, and little to no self-awareness, so it was very easy to wind him up and take the piss out of him; he was the kind of person who's outwardly tolerated by others, but often laughed at behind his back

on one occasion his normal smug mask of serenity slipped and he chimped out, bizarrely describing my efforts to antagonise him as "autistic genius" (and this was many years before 'autist' became the internet's insult du jour, so in that way he was ahead of his time)

a characteristic Adam moment was when he delivered a sterile but undoubtedly very clever pun as a punchline to a story, and not only did nobody laugh, but the room fell into total silence

you see, it wasn't just any old pun, oh no - it was a Latin pun, so it went straight over everybody's head but his, and even when he explained it, it still wasn't funny

talk about misjudging your audience; it was like someone telling a Roy "Chubby" Brown joke at a Green Party conference

Spoiler: Adam and romance

despite being well-spoken, financially well off, and well educated, Adam didn't have much luck with the ladies, simply because his personality alone could cause vagina drought at 100 yards

the low point, for him at least, was when a girl he asked out became a lesbian, apparently as a consequence of him hitting on her (a lot of other people, myself included, found it funny)

I suspect he's still a virgin to this day, and possibly a loveshy too; the horrible alternative is that he's somehow managed to spread his seed and leave someone traumatised for life

Spoiler: Adam in the present

out of morbid curiosity I googled him the other day, and found his facebook and linkedin profiles

he'd always said he'd go into medicine, and I never thought he had the work ethic or aptitude to do so, but fuck me, he'd actually done it and gone most of the way to qualifying as a neurosurgeon - colour me astounded!

however, and here's the sad bit, despite having a successful career, despite living away from home for over a decade, despite moving to the largest city in the country and having countless opportunities to reinvent himself in the process, there is a very high chance he's still the same old pompous dickhead he always was, and that's just going by the tone of his online presence

the mental image I have of him from college is of him in the common room, his shiny shoes gleaming in the morning sun, his checked shirt neatly tucked into his high-waist jeans, conspicuously reading the Guardian to show everyone how grown-up he was for a 17 year old

now he proudly lists his membership of Conservative Future on his facebook profile, and reveres the late Margaret Thatcher, so at some point he's done a total ideological U-turn - it's also worth bearing in mind that he was all of three years old when Thatcher resigned as prime minister

what made me laugh the most was him listing 'debauchery' as one of his hobbies, which, knowing him, probably means taking two sugars in his coffee rather than one - oh, the humanity!

 

[Adamska]

I was sitting in a garden pub, enjoying a cup of coffee and a book... or at least trying to enjoy those. It wasn't before long that a loud, monotonous, grating voice sprung up, emanating from a table a few meters away, where a group of people were sitting. Among them, a kid in his late teens or early twenties was talking at the top of his voice, without every hesitating or letting up.

"The homogay faggot conspiracy has already conquered France, it's all sissies and gay pussies there, now they're trying to take over Germany. They cannot subjugate Russia because Russia is the only strong, manly, heroic nation left. Russia will never be sissified, the gay conspiracy doesn't stand a chance. I really want to go to Russia. I once told someone that Russia is the best nation, and he said: 'But they don't like gays', and I was like: 'Come on, they don't stone them like in Saudi Arabia -- unfortunately.' That sure shut him up! Okay, sure, stoning may be a bit much. But we really need to stand up to the homogay faggots! They want to brainwash us all into gay faggot sissies."

This tirade went on for what seemed like two hours. Occassionally the kid went into different topics, e.g. that he would have made a great Prussian soldier in World War I, or this: "Of course, the Berlin Wall needed to be built! They had to keep out capitalist invaders!" AFAIK even hardcore oldschool communists don't believe that myth any longer... but then, even hardcore oldschool communists are on average slightly less autistic than this kid.

The other people at his table didn't get to say much, nor did they make any attempt to shut him up. Either they agreed with him and saw him as a kind of spokesman for them all, or they wanted to avoid him flying into a temper tantrum or something.

How come people who constantly rage against homosexuals and profess to hate them... talk about nothing else all day through? It may have something to do with being deep deep in the closet...

One may wonder whether this kid will enter a tomgirl phase in a few years time and try to drill a vajayjay into his crotch with a hammer drill.

I would've shown him how Russia is so gay they list My Little Pony as a top fetish for them and call him a faggot for wanting to suck Ivan's Schwanzstucker that hard.

I can tell he's a horrendous autist and Kaiserboo; probably wants to be a part of that insane Reich shit too.

 

[Peanut]

I'm Facebook friends with this person for his insightful commentary and amazing makeup skills.

Spoiler: quality aesthetics

Damn, if you wear makeup so much and ostensibly enjoy it, how can you not see that it's applied terribly, looks like cheap rubbish and isn't coordinated for shit? The patchy 1 year on testosterone pube beard and the perma trout pout really add to it too. His thoughts are typical but they still make me cringe:

I know and follow quite a lot of people in this Kweer Circle purely for misery tourism. Everyone's got 50 self diagnosed mental illnesses, transtrenderism out the wazoo and baffling financial situations. Standard fare for Brighton, but the makeup and general dress sense makes this person stand out to me even in this scene. I think he was briefly featured in a Phil thread, once? The Rat King spans continents.

 

[chimpburgers]

I'm Facebook friends with this person for his insightful commentary and amazing makeup skills.

Spoiler: quality aesthetics

Damn, if you wear makeup so much and ostensibly enjoy it, how can you not see that it's applied terribly, looks like cheap rubbish and isn't coordinated for shit? The patchy 1 year on testosterone pube beard and the perma trout pout really add to it too. His thoughts are typical but they still make me cringe:

I know and follow quite a lot of people in this Kweer Circle purely for misery tourism. Everyone's got 50 self diagnosed mental illnesses, transtrenderism out the wazoo and baffling financial situations. Standard fare for Brighton, but the makeup and general dress sense makes this person stand out to me even in this scene. I think he was briefly featured in a Phil thread, once? The Rat King spans continents.

That fucking thing is hideous. They already meet some Rat King requirements.

 

[Adamska]

That guy looks like an IDW superhero from the late 1980's. I could see him fight Snowflame and be Extrano's boyfriend.