Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Dio Brando]

There's a guy I know from my school. Since day one, the guy was just a cesspool of shitty random-access humor and pop-culture references. The guy is also a huge fanatic of Minecraft and Slender. He has shirts, hats, draws shitty art of the characters and mobs, and never, EVER, stops talking about it. What's really funny is how one time, a few guys were mocking him for talking about Minecraft so much, he tried to be badass by calling them out as a bunch COD players when in reality, they frequently played Minecraft themselves, They just find him really annoying.

It's also kinda sad how he attempts to impress everybody. This one time, we were reading Julius Caesar. My friends always got me to play a character because I love to be overly-dramatic when reading a story out loud, especially Shakespeare. Anytime I was picked, he would immediately volunteer for the next character and try to emulate (terribly) my acting. It was especially funny since I was playing Brutus and he was Caesar, and somehow he didn't know Caesar dies in the middle of the play.

I always cringe when I see him. Because, honestly, he reminds me of me in my middle school days. I kept denying that there was a reason for why I was being picked on and believed I was too perfect to be bullied until I realized I needed to shape up, learn to not act like a fucking idiot, and learn that I'm not some sort of superstar. It worries me a little because I don't see him changing anytime soon

 

[Jewelsmakerguy]

Can an entire forum be a lolcow? If so, I nominate the one on the IMDb. To make a short story long, the whole board acts like they're twenty five year olds acting like five year olds. They complain about literally every and any thing. Doesn't matter if its the film's writing, actors, directors, effects or even other users. They routinely call each other either trolls or, in the case of certain users, studio plants. My favorite user in question is a guy named aredo360gif, who spends his time complaining about things like people liking movies better than stuff like Silent Hill 2 and what not.

Of course, everyone has different tastes in movies, that I understand. But what makes me single him out from the literally millions of other users is that he calls all his haters "Studio Plants" and proceeds to go on raving, off topic bitch fits against said "plants". Hell, someone even made a tumblr about his escapades, which includes such amazing quotes such as:

“Critics should be put in jail for all the bribes they are getting.. they evade taxes. They are criminals.”

or

“You are the one that doesn’t understand what statistics works.”

And that's just the tip of the iceburg, here's the guy's account for more escapades. Oh, and before I end the post, here's the forum index.

 

[Dio Brando]

Can an entire forum be a lolcow? If so, I nominate the one on the IMDb. To make a short story long, the whole board acts like they're twenty five year olds acting like five year olds. They complain about literally every and any thing. Doesn't matter if its the writing, actors, directors, effects or even other users. The call each other either trolls or, in the case of certain users, studio plants. My favorite user in question is a guy named aredo360gif, who spends his time complaining about things like people liking movies better than stuff like Silent Hill 2 and what not. Of course, everyone has different tastes in movies, that I understand. But what makes me single him out from the literally millions of others is that he calls all his haters "Studio Plants" and proceeds to go on raving, off topic bitch fits against said users. Hell, someone even made a tumblr about his escapades, which includes such amazing quotes such as:


or


And that's just the tip of the iceburg, here's the guy's account for more escapades. Oh, and before I end the post, here's the forum index.

"Michael Bay movies are clearly too fast paced for your brains"

 

[Jewelsmakerguy]

"Michael Bay movies are clearly too fast paced for your brains"

Told you he's an idiot. Granted he's just one of many. For instance, here's a topic where a user calls another a furry just for having Rocket Raccoon's name as his username.

 

[HighlyKoalified]

Ok. My Grandma is a sweet old lady but she is sort of a lolcow nonetheless.

She will be turning 90 years old this month but she is still very mobile ( drives a car to work every day) and still reasonbly lucid and with it.

She lives in the same large house on a hill surrounded by forest, that my mother,aunts and unces were raised in. She has no internet, much of the furniture and decrorations have been unchanged since 1970.

She is sweet, but seems sometimes willfully hysterical and readily apt to make a mountain out of a molehill. Whenever I drive with her she tells me to keep the window rolled up so a bird does not fly in her car. Whenever its night at her house, she does not want me walking home (tho i live maybe 8 minutes away) for fear of coyote attacks, or being run over by a car. She seems to have an urealistic impending sense of disaster about things that aren't that reasonable to be worried about, and which never come to pass.

She also doesn't seem to make an effort to "look on the brighside" of some dissapointment or poor fortune,and sometimes can be quite negative. My mother tells me that when she was growing up, dear old granny really stressed the importance of looking thin and attractive ( I presume because back in the 40s-50s, womens lives were largely determined by who they married, rather than their careers.)

I don't want to be "mean" and she is really a dear old sould, who just says or does lolcowish things from time to time.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

I'm not sure if I posted this before, but I'm going to throw in Brooke McEldowney. He's both a comic strip and webcomic artist. In a way, he's kind of like Aaron Diaz (Dresden Codex) if he was in love with the jazz age (or anything before 1954), had a possible reverse Electra complex and went for political wit instead of social justice. Both are pretentious, better-than-you know-it-alls who fancy themselves as geniuses

I remember I followed Aaron for a while on twitter years ago, because this guy I had a crush on liked his work. They were both pretentious wanna-be geniuses.

Whenever I drive with her she tells me to keep the window rolled up so a bird does not fly in her car. Whenever its night at her house, she does not want me walking home (tho i live maybe 8 minutes away) for fear of coyote attacks, or being run over by a car. She seems to have an urealistic impending sense of disaster about things that aren't that reasonable to be worried about, and which never come to pass.

This is totally my mom. I am impressed that your grandma can drive though, my mom stopped driving in her late 60s I think? Just ... stopped driving. No reason.

---

Speaking of my mom, her sister, Billie is so headache inducing if you think about her long enough. I think Billie is mentally ill, but back in mom's and Billie's day you just didn't get it diagnosed. Billie hoards big time, one of her hoards burned down about 7 years ago though. Billie used to also hoard food, and keep dirty dishes in the oven. Whenever there is food, Billie hovers around it, nearly eating the entire time. Billie also smokes and is on pain pills all the time too, so that might be why she isn't big.

Mom was telling me a story I'd never heard until today. The last time my mom went to Alaska to see all of them, there was a military funeral for her dad, uncle, and mother (they'd all died years before, but their headstones hadn't been put up yet and they were cremated years prior). On the way to the funeral everybody was morose, and not talking and mom said she was on the verge of tears. Billie was totally unemotional about it, she was telling everybody in the car about her bus route for her job where she took care of handicapped children on their bus to and from school.

 

[Goodbad Girl]

There's one guy I used to go to high school with (he had to transfer because he was accused of sending a pickle pic to some girl) who is a total creep. He has a very high-pitched voice, looks like a pale white twig (my friend and I describe him as a "pasty white worm with hair"), and has an irritating obsession with Naruto. His older siblings were pretty cool, so I'm guessing he was hit on the head as a child. He isn't a virgin, solely because his Attraction Sign is "anything with a vagina", so he will hit on every girl he sees (bound to get somebody with incredibly low self-esteem). For the other 99.99%, it's their fault because he's just too darn nice. He also cannot spell/form a proper sentence to save his life.

To get a taste of what I'm talking about, here are some statuses he posted:

"can i really be too nice to date?"

"i was called a hopeless romatic[sic]"

"i learned something last night...if u hear anything about anyone good bad or nothing dont tell anyone...cause they may just look at u and hate u for it...im going to have to learn that trying to protect people i care for is wrong now...so im going to say nothing....as the old going says....hear no evil...speak no evil..eye no evil..."

Followed by this gem a few weeks later:

Spoiler

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I try to find redeeming qualities in everybody (or at least get a basic understanding of why they do the things they do), but... I really have nothing for him. He's just flat-out creepy/annoying. (Though I have to admit, I do check his Facebook profile sometimes just to get a laugh)

EDIT: Oh, and I couldn't forget this

Spoiler

 

[sparklemilhouse]

"Sending a pickle pic to some girl" cracked me up. At first, I took it literally, and was like "wait".

 

[Varis]

Am I the only one who is a bit sick of every new lolcow getting a wiki?

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Am I the only one who is a bit sick of every new lolcow getting a wiki?

I think the big time ones need em (our Chris, crazy Gail, pixyteri, justinrpg, jace?)..I wish Kai had one she likes to delete stuff...

There was one for alog a while back, but it was just his bad fiction. No archives of his radio show, no new stupid pics of him, etc.

 

[Linako 2.0]

Remember Ryanshy and how Surt banned him in hopes to prevent a future lolcow from being created?
yeah. he's now the new lolcow of the SammyClassicSonicFan community ever since he sperged out and would never stop talking about his hate for people while sperging about he's not like other bronies (he is) and how he loves 90's rock.
I'll never forget how he ranted on how he was better than most bronies while acting like everyone is against him.

 

[RP 520]

So there was an idiot at my college a few years back who was being accused of assaulting some girl he was at a party with. What does he do? He calls in a fake shooting hoax and puts our college on lock down with the SWAT arriving and searching room to room. His reason? So he would be hailed as the hero and show that he's a good person that would never harm a woman.

http://articles.wdbj7.com/2013-01-28/martinsville-man_36533479

A slight update of this guy, I went up to the college the other day to get some paperwork done and overheard a cop that was there who said that the moment the idiot was found out and had the guns trained on him (literally) he pissed his pants and it happened again when he confessed.

 

[House Of Reeves]

Ken Penders and his forum have been providing some good belly laughs lately. Who is Ken Penders? He did a lot of work for Archie Comics, especially for their Sonic the Hedgehog comic series. After some legal battles with Archie Comics, Sega, and EA Games, Penders is currently working on his upcoming graphic novel "THE LARA-SU CHRONICLES".
Here is some early art for it.

Spoiler

The funniest part of this is the entire forum dedicated to this artist and his works. Sound familiar?
http://www.kenpenders.com/forums/index.php

Most of the posts devolve into arguments with the admins over sucky art or "wrong" opinions.
In this thread: http://www.kenpenders.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=2656
The owner of the site develops a God complex and says he could even ban the person the forum is dedicated to.

There is only occasional activity on it, but some of the older stuff is good reading.

The laughs far outweigh the horrors.

 

[Varis]

Spoiler

I hope the comic is not fully 3D, because that is terrifying.

Also, the description of the Lara-Su forums is... interesting.

The fate of her kind and their world hangs on one teenage echidna girl with a missing father, a determined mother, and no boyfriend. What's a girl to do?

Wuh-how is this relevant to the story? Is Lara-Su on a love quest of her own?

 

[Karen]

I knew a lolcow in High school who I had in at least one class every year.

I first met her in Freshman year in our health class, where upon me walking in on the first day she ran over to me and told me how "Kawaii" my Miku Hatsune shirt was. I was a bit shocked considering Miku at the time was only known to basement dweller and foreign exchange students, so I decided to hang out with her.

She was your typical yaoi freak for a while and even pretended to be a cat (I put up with it), it wasn't until Senior year that I started getting really freaked out because I sat next to her and was getting pawed on and meowed at in class (my teacher went along with it the whole time btw). I stopped talking to her when I saw her reading a power point talking about Japanese culture, there would have been nothing wrong with it if it weren't for the fact that it sugar coated everything about japan into the whole Kawaii life. Being someone who spent much of their time reading about things from the Meiji restoration to Japanese architecture and traditional Shinto beliefs, I was a bit offended.

She also knew I had friends who were Japanese who were in (and out) of Japan and she wanted me to hook her up with them, not as friends but just so she could live there. A friend of mine told me to tell her that she would never be welcome there regardless of how good her Japanese was (which she tried practicing on me on a regular basis, it sounded like stuff from anime). She disregarded his advice because even though he had been living their for 8 years, she said that he couldn't be accepted by Nippon (yes she said that) because he was white. Even though she was Asian her surname implied her family was from Vietnam, and Japanese people (mostly from the right wing) are notorious for disliking other aisians, especially Chinese and Koreans because they are stereotyped as committing violent and drug related crimes, whereas white people are just stereotyped as either being drunk tourists or English teachers.

I know she has some emotional issues and shes a great girl, but sometimes she does stuff that makes me and the other around her ask "Wtf." Often, probably too often.

 

[House Of Reeves]

Slight update on of my lolcows that I posted about pretty early in the thread.
Daniel, the one who beat his meat at a slumber party and was an ultra-religious freak, confessed something to me the other day. In high school, right as the class would leave for lunch, he would stay behind in the classroom, pretending to be packing up. After the teacher left, he would go on the teacher's computer and look at porn. He would then polish his spear to said porn, eventually firing some knuckle children all over the floor. He said he did this every other day for at least 3 months.

 

[ASoulMan]

Slight update on of my lolcows that I posted about pretty early in the thread.
Daniel, the one who beat his meat at a slumber party and was an ultra-religious freak, confessed something to me the other day. In high school, right as the class would leave for lunch, he would stay behind in the classroom, pretending to be packing up. After the teacher left, he would go on the teacher's computer and look at porn. He would then polish his spear to said porn, eventually firing some knuckle children all over the floor. He said he did this every other day for at least 3 months.

He's ultra-religious yet he can't help himself when it comes to XXX content and fapping.

Oh the iron-knee!

 

[Pine Tar]

Slight update on of my lolcows that I posted about pretty early in the thread.
Daniel, the one who beat his meat at a slumber party and was an ultra-religious freak, confessed something to me the other day. In high school, right as the class would leave for lunch, he would stay behind in the classroom, pretending to be packing up. After the teacher left, he would go on the teacher's computer and look at porn. He would then polish his spear to said porn, eventually firing some knuckle children all over the floor. He said he did this every other day for at least 3 months.

I almost want to know what he gets off to. And then I realized that the more repressed someone is, the more fucked up they get. And that means....

 

[Kim Jong-Un]

I once knew an autistic person who thought they were a wolf.
Not meaning to but they were really fucking weird, mainly because he kept jumping on people, licking their faces and even trying to mark his scent (aka piss on the ground) in the middle of a shop.

 

[Null]

Okay, most people won't understand any of this nerd shit I'm about to go on about, so I"ll try to make sense of it because it's pretty funny.

I've been playing a game called EVE Online. It's about space ships. Some of them can be very expensive. $20 translates into 800 million in-game currency, and a space ship can cost you anywhere between 1/1000th of that to many, many trillions of ISK. For some players, money making is easy. For others, not so much. It's a very high risk atmosphere.

A player in my group was flying a ship called the Eagle. His ship cost him about 200m ISK, or around $5 if he paid for it with cash. He was in a fleet looking for fights and chose to bring his fancy ship even though the leader told people to bring their cheap, throw-away ships. He didn't catch the memo and lost it. It happens.

The funny
He immediately raged in chat about how our fleet commander was a "clue less moron" and threw the fucking fit of a century. He was offered a FULL SRP for the value of the ship, but before he claimed it, he ragequit the alliance.

The funnier
Because he ragequit the alliance, he is no longer welcome in our space. The station (where all he stuff was) would not allow him to redock if he left. He had to sell a Chimera (an extremely expensive ship, valued 1.6 BILLION or $40) at half price to us just to get rid of it. There are other ships and many modules in his hangar he still doesn't have access to.

The funniest
He left the station in a Crow, a 50 million ($2) ship, and got killed by his former group members on the way out.