Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Dork Of Ages]

Spoiler

This whole shitting thing reminds me of an inccident my brother told me about. I can't remember if I posted it here before, if I did then I apologize in advance.

My brother used to work at an emissions test, he would test people's cars to see if they need to go in to get fixed for whatever. One day this man came in with his kid, I think the kid was around 7 or 8. His car ended up failing and he got pissed. He told them it should have passed and demanded to test again. Once again, it failed. He started yelling at my brother who called up his manager. They managed to get the guy to leave the car lane. A few minutes later they see the guy park outside the building and pull his son out of the car. I shit you not, he pulled down his son's pants and made him take a shit on their grass, right next to the parking lot, and drove away. I can't remember if they called the police or not or if it was too late.

When he told me this story, it was just, holy shit.

This is when you know you found an exceptionally shitty parent, and an asshole too. I mean, what the hell man

 

[littlebiscuits]

This whole shitting thing reminds me of an inccident my brother told me about. I can't remember if I posted it here before, if I did then I apologize in advance.

My brother used to work at an emissions test, he would test people's cars to see if they need to go in to get fixed for whatever. One day this man came in with his kid, I think the kid was around 7 or 8. His car ended up failing and he got pissed. He told them it should have passed and demanded to test again. Once again, it failed. He started yelling at my brother who called up his manager. They managed to get the guy to leave the car lane. A few minutes later they see the guy park outside the building and pull his son out of the car. I shit you not, he pulled down his son's pants and made him take a shit on their grass, right next to the parking lot, and drove away. I can't remember if they called the police or not or if it was too late.

When he told me this story, it was just, holy shit.

I've totally heard of other people doing this. I once went into a restaurant and everyone was yelling at each other because a mother had smeared her baby's shit on a table after the waitress was apparently rude to her. I guess that's a thing some parents do? Biological warfare against people who have "wronged" them?

 

[MysticMisty]

I know girls don’t play video games

Dick.

Anyways. This whole shitting thing has reminded me of two separate stories.

I believe I've told this story before, but I don't think on this version of the board. Anyways. There aren't really very many details to be had. This occurred October or November of my senior year of high school. I don't know the kid who did this, but for whatever reason he decided to take a shit in the middle of the science hallway during that building's lunch hour. I guess he hid in the bathroom and they didn't check it very well because they lock the hallways during lunch in order to prevent vandalism (they weren't so good at remember to unlock the doors by the end of lunch however). He got caught though. It's worth mentioning however that this kid had cancer or something because he died before the end of the school year. I guess he wanted to make sure everybody remembered him. Even if they remembered him as "the kid who took a shit in the hallway".


The other story...holy fuck. There was a local power wash business in town that lasted quite a while, and had TV ads on the local channels. One day the ads vanished within a day or two of the announcement that the owner had been arrested.

It turned how the owner was fucking nuts. When people would complain about the quality of the end result of the power washing, he'd threaten his customers and claim they were slandering his name (or something like that). On one occasion, he got all of his workers to shit in one of those industrial work buckets, and then dumped it all over the yard of one disgruntled customer. For another, he cut up small animals and dumped the body parts in the yard of another displeased customer.

And it could have been worse. It turned out he had a load of guns (and not little hand guns either), and the means to make chemical weapons(I think he might have actually threatened to use them). And he had a helicopter pilots license. Considering he had the means to make and dump chemicals on his former customers (or even shoot them if he felt particularly furious and murderous), buckets of shit and cut up dead animals is tame in comparison!

 

[Saney]

This whole shitting thing reminds me of an inccident my brother told me about. I can't remember if I posted it here before, if I did then I apologize in advance.

My brother used to work at an emissions test, he would test people's cars to see if they need to go in to get fixed for whatever. One day this man came in with his kid, I think the kid was around 7 or 8. His car ended up failing and he got pissed. He told them it should have passed and demanded to test again. Once again, it failed. He started yelling at my brother who called up his manager. They managed to get the guy to leave the car lane. A few minutes later they see the guy park outside the building and pull his son out of the car. I shit you not, he pulled down his son's pants and made him take a shit on their grass, right next to the parking lot, and drove away. I can't remember if they called the police or not or if it was too late.

When he told me this story, it was just, holy shit.

I swear I read that on Not Always Right. Or maybe it was just a similar story...wow, this kind of thing is disturbingly common.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

I love that we all have a story about a weirdo pooping in public. Mine was Billy and Shannon, who I never brought up here.

Shannon was at the womens college where I finished my undergrad at. She was this really messy looking girl. Her freshman year, there was this person on her hall who kept on smearing shit all over the bathroom. Finally, the RA had to assign people bathroom stalls, to widdle down who was doing it. Girls in the hall also volunteered to keep a slight eye out on who went to the bathroom at certain times. Welp, one time Shannon left the bathroom and it was covered in shit. During hall meetings about it, Shannon would always be the one speaking up about it, like "come on guys! Who did it?!"

There was also an incident where she was in one of the academic buildings. She walked into a classroom right before her class, and scooted against the wall to get to her desk, I think? And she left ... a shit skid on the wall.


I didn't know about this until the following year when I met her, and one of my friends told me. One of my other friends couldn't even sit with her at lunch and dinner, just watching her eat with her HANDS grossed her out so much. I was getting to that point near the end of the school year.

Right, so shannon always looked a ratty mess. She's black, and she didn't know how to take care of her hair, so she just wore a wig. Problem was, she didn't know how to take care of her wig either :/.

 

[pickleniggo]

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.

 

[c-no]

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.

I have no comment other than saying that it sucks for whoever had to clean that up.

 

[exball]

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus no.

 

[Dork Of Ages]

^

Why, why is this happening to the human race?
Why?

It's over.

God, forgive me.

Spoiler

 

[pickleniggo]

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.

I have no comment other than saying that it sucks for whoever had to clean that up.

My friend was pretty much forced to. Hence why she put in her two weeks immediately after.
Whenever I would shop at that store after the incident, I would avoid that first fitting room like the fucking plague.

 

[Dork Of Ages]

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.

I have no comment other than saying that it sucks for whoever had to clean that up.

My friend was pretty much forced to. Hence why she put in her two weeks immediately after.
Whenever I would shop at that store after the incident, I would avoid that first fitting room like the fucking plague.

Damn, sorry to hear about your friend. That kind of shit (ignore the pun) is not something someone should go through.

 

[littlebiscuits]

I actually have a poo story about B.J (the guy I wrote about in previous posts). Only problem is, I heard it second hand, so I'm not totally sure about some of the details. It's also disgusting, so I'm going to put it under spoiler, just in case.

Spoiler

Anyway, as I've mentioned before, B.J had my mom for a teacher when he was a child. My mom's classroom was kind of old fashioned, you know, green chalk -board, students kept their books in a cubby under their desks, wooden floors and walls, separate room for shoes and coats (I kind of miss that style now that I think of it...). And it had a little bathroom just off of the coat room. It was a really, really tiny bathroom. The toilet was weirdly low to the ground too, so an adult really couldn't use it, and it was small. There was a sink too, but it was across from the toilet, so whoever was sitting on the toilet had the sink basically in their lap.
Now, B.J was not impressed with the bathroom situation. For one thing, he was so fat that he could barely fit in it. But he also didn't like to touch the flusher. Germs, I guess. Anyway, kids started complaining to my mom that something odd was happening in the bathroom. There were shoe marks on the toilet seat, and weird yellow stains all over the sink. Also, the bathroom and neighboring coat room had begun to smell like piss.
After several unsuccessful "honesty" campaigns to get the culprit to confess, my mom decided the best thing to do was catch the perp in the act. The next time it happened, she would ask all the children to take their shoes off and she would compare the foot prints. However, she never got the chance.
One morning, B.J returned from the bathroom soaking wet. Concerned that something might have flooded, my mom asked B.J what happened. He nonchalantly answered that the sink had sprayed him and that everything was fine. My mom didn't believe him. She went into the bathroom to have a look and what she found was...astonishing. Not only were there foot prints on the toilet seat, there was also a turd on the floor. The wall next to the sink was drenched in urine.
Now, it's hard to know what really happened in the bathroom that day. B.J confessed that for the past few weeks he had taken to standing on the toilet seat and pissing into the sink from afar. Apparently he had...lost his footing and slipped...and either dislodged the turd from the toilet or shat on the floor? It's impossible to really know. Oh and was B.J ashamed of any of this? No. Not at all. In fact he blamed the whole thing on my mom, and suggested that to prevent future accidents, she clean the toilet seat for him before he enter and also, FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET FOR HIM WHEN HE WAS DONE. (He was ten). He then suggested that perhaps his mother should be called in after every poo, so that SHE could clean the toilet and flush it for him.

 

[Chairman Meow]

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.

Actually, upon further reflection I can see how this scenario could have played out without the guilty party being insane and/or a retard.

1. Dude is walking through the store, gut begins to rumble.
2. Suddenly realizes he has about 20 seconds to TOTAL NUCLEAR MELTDOWN.
3. T minus 10 seconds: Dashes into what he thinks is the bathrooms, only to discover it's actually the fitting rooms.
4. T minus 5 seconds: Realizes the horrible mistake he's made. NOOO IT'S TOO LATE! Frantically dives into a changing room.
5. T plus 0 seconds: [shit explosion]
6. Looks around at the destruction he's wreaked, guiltily tries to use his shirt to clean it up.
7. Realizes his efforts are futile, and the longer he stays the more likely he is to be apprehended (and end up with his mugshot in the next day's paper under the headline "Area Man Arrested for Defecating in [Store]'s Dressing Room")
8. Flees the scene minus shirt.

 

[exball]

I actually have a poo story about B.J (the guy I wrote about in previous posts). Only problem is, I heard it second hand, so I'm not totally sure about some of the details. It's also disgusting, so I'm going to put it under spoiler, just in case.

Spoiler

Anyway, as I've mentioned before, B.J had my mom for a teacher when he was a child. My mom's classroom was kind of old fashioned, you know, green chalk -board, students kept their books in a cubby under their desks, wooden floors and walls, separate room for shoes and coats (I kind of miss that style now that I think of it...). And it had a little bathroom just off of the coat room. It was a really, really tiny bathroom. The toilet was weirdly low to the ground too, so an adult really couldn't use it, and it was small. There was a sink too, but it was across from the toilet, so whoever was sitting on the toilet had the sink basically in their lap.
Now, B.J was not impressed with the bathroom situation. For one thing, he was so fat that he could barely fit in it. But he also didn't like to touch the flusher. Germs, I guess. Anyway, kids started complaining to my mom that something odd was happening in the bathroom. There were shoe marks on the toilet seat, and weird yellow stains all over the sink. Also, the bathroom and neighboring coat room had begun to smell like piss.
After several unsuccessful "honesty" campaigns to get the culprit to confess, my mom decided the best thing to do was catch the perp in the act. The next time it happened, she would ask all the children to take their shoes off and she would compare the foot prints. However, she never got the chance.
One morning, B.J returned from the bathroom soaking wet. Concerned that something might have flooded, my mom asked B.J what happened. He nonchalantly answered that the sink had sprayed him and that everything was fine. My mom didn't believe him. She went into the bathroom to have a look and what she found was...astonishing. Not only were there foot prints on the toilet seat, there was also a turd on the floor. The wall next to the sink was drenched in urine.
Now, it's hard to know what really happened in the bathroom that day. B.J confessed that for the past few weeks he had taken to standing on the toilet seat and pissing into the sink from afar. Apparently he had...lost his footing and slipped...and either dislodged the turd from the toilet or shat on the floor? It's impossible to really know. Oh and was B.J ashamed of any of this? No. Not at all. In fact he blamed the whole thing on my mom, and suggested that to prevent future accidents, she clean the toilet seat for him before he enter and also, FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET FOR HIM WHEN HE WAS DONE. (He was ten). He then suggested that perhaps his mother should be called in after every poo, so that SHE could clean the toilet and flush it for him.

10 YEARS OLD!

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Really minor one but it annoys me to see tumblr blogs devoted to tabloid pics of celebrities (little) kids.

 

[c-no]

I actually have a poo story about B.J (the guy I wrote about in previous posts). Only problem is, I heard it second hand, so I'm not totally sure about some of the details. It's also disgusting, so I'm going to put it under spoiler, just in case.

Spoiler

Anyway, as I've mentioned before, B.J had my mom for a teacher when he was a child. My mom's classroom was kind of old fashioned, you know, green chalk -board, students kept their books in a cubby under their desks, wooden floors and walls, separate room for shoes and coats (I kind of miss that style now that I think of it...). And it had a little bathroom just off of the coat room. It was a really, really tiny bathroom. The toilet was weirdly low to the ground too, so an adult really couldn't use it, and it was small. There was a sink too, but it was across from the toilet, so whoever was sitting on the toilet had the sink basically in their lap.
Now, B.J was not impressed with the bathroom situation. For one thing, he was so fat that he could barely fit in it. But he also didn't like to touch the flusher. Germs, I guess. Anyway, kids started complaining to my mom that something odd was happening in the bathroom. There were shoe marks on the toilet seat, and weird yellow stains all over the sink. Also, the bathroom and neighboring coat room had begun to smell like piss.
After several unsuccessful "honesty" campaigns to get the culprit to confess, my mom decided the best thing to do was catch the perp in the act. The next time it happened, she would ask all the children to take their shoes off and she would compare the foot prints. However, she never got the chance.
One morning, B.J returned from the bathroom soaking wet. Concerned that something might have flooded, my mom asked B.J what happened. He nonchalantly answered that the sink had sprayed him and that everything was fine. My mom didn't believe him. She went into the bathroom to have a look and what she found was...astonishing. Not only were there foot prints on the toilet seat, there was also a turd on the floor. The wall next to the sink was drenched in urine.
Now, it's hard to know what really happened in the bathroom that day. B.J confessed that for the past few weeks he had taken to standing on the toilet seat and pissing into the sink from afar. Apparently he had...lost his footing and slipped...and either dislodged the turd from the toilet or shat on the floor? It's impossible to really know. Oh and was B.J ashamed of any of this? No. Not at all. In fact he blamed the whole thing on my mom, and suggested that to prevent future accidents, she clean the toilet seat for him before he enter and also, FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET FOR HIM WHEN HE WAS DONE. (He was ten). He then suggested that perhaps his mother should be called in after every poo, so that SHE could clean the toilet and flush it for him.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

As far as crapping in public goes, to go along with pickleniggo's story, I went to the bathroom at college once and in the handicapped stall there was a pair of tighty whities and a big pile of crap. I don't know what happened, but that must have sucked

 

[johnnywalrusface]

I'm Facebook friends with one of my mom's friends, who we've known for years. Her daughter is autistic and she blames vaccines. Also, she thinks Obama is a Muslim.

 

[pickleniggo]

Actually, upon further reflection I can see how this scenario could have played out without the guilty party being insane and/or a exceptional individual.

1. Dude is walking through the store, gut begins to rumble.
2. Suddenly realizes he has about 20 seconds to TOTAL NUCLEAR MELTDOWN.
3. T minus 10 seconds: Dashes into what he thinks is the bathrooms, only to discover it's actually the fitting rooms.
4. T minus 5 seconds: Realizes the horrible mistake he's made. NOOO IT'S TOO LATE! Frantically dives into a changing room.
5. T plus 0 seconds: [shit explosion]
6. Looks around at the destruction he's wreaked, guiltily tries to use his shirt to clean it up.
7. Realizes his efforts are futile, and the longer he stays the more likely he is to be apprehended (and end up with his mugshot in the next day's paper under the headline "Area Man Arrested for Defecating in [Store]'s Dressing Room")
8. Flees the scene minus shirt.

The thing is, the fitting rooms were the kind you have to ask to get into because they're always locked. So I'm not really sure if he actually planned on buying something and shit literally happened or if he PLANNED to shit in the fitting room. I really can't imagine what I would do if I were there. The worst I've dealt with was having to yell at a woman who brought a stroller into the handicapped fitting room under the guise of trying things on but actually going in there to change her baby's diaper and ask to throw it out in our garbage behind the register. It took everything in my power to not use the words "you are fucking disgusting".

 

[Lady Houligan]

Okay. I've been sitting on a post about this woman for weeks now, and she's far too insane to discuss in spurts. So I give you (under the spoiler in the interest of not being a board-hogging fuckwit): Lady Houligan's Adventures in Training the Temp from Hell.

Spoiler

First things first, I'd like it noted that I spent a solid month before this woman arrived putting together a folder covering all the day-to-day operations that my position covers, such as the billing process, service requests, etc. That way I figured we could focus primarily on how to deal with the weirder bullshit that comes up, like what to do when the person calling in clearly doesn't know what they're on about and/or doesn't speak English. It's disgustingly thorough. However, as soon as this woman came in? She ignores it and writes down these terrible half-assed notes regarding EVERYTHING I do, so for the first two weeks all I keep hearing is "how do I get to this in this program" or a variant.

She also completely rearranged my desk before I've even left for maternity leave, so God help me if I need to find anything I had put away before she took it over.

The biggest thing that irritates/amuses me though is the sheer lack of thought she puts into anything she does in the office. At this point I'm writing it all off as job security for when I come back. In no particular order she:
-keeps asking the girl who only bills sprinklers and has at no point ever billed for my division about extinguisher and hood questions
-keeps trying to flirt with one of our estimators who is about ten years younger than her and is completely uninterested, up to and including awkwardly hovering at other people's desks when he's there so she can follow him back to his and talk to him
-keeps trying to ask my supervisor about customer accounts that he has no responsibility over and would know nothing about (protip: it's my job to figure that shit out before it goes to him because I'm the only one in the office with access to the damned software that records that info)
-ignores the fact that I'm still in the office (up until 1:30 tomorrow anyways) and just goes her own, completely incorrect, way of doing things, to the point where I've given up on trying to rescue her from her own stupidity
-can't prioritize for shit: I watched this woman answer a customer call on the landline, then put the customer on hold to answer the cell phone rather than silencing it so she could just listen to the voicemail in a few minutes time
-manages to ignore the blinking red "HEY THERE'S A VOICEMAIL" light on the landline to the point that I noticed it yesterday and found out there were four calls FROM LAST WEEK in there... there were some phone calls made immediately with lots of apologies to irate customers...
-ignores the cell phone that the techs use to get in direct contact with me/her more often than not (and as a side note, apparently I'm supposed to know how to make cell phone batteries not suck because she came to me two days ago bitching about how it wouldn't hold a charge and my solution was "then charge it?")
-texts her kids while they're at school
-gets really snippy with my coworkers when they try to offer help when she didn't ask for it
-continually goes into segues so awkward that if my job was a sitcom no laugh track could save her, with such great hits as: I had gestational diabetes so let me tell you all about how it was when I gave birth over a decade ago; my son has type 2 diabetes so obviously I know how you should be handling your gestational diabetes; you really want to hear my labor and delivery horror stories don't you I thought you did; I was out of work for 13 years being a stay at home mom but I'm totally a genius at Excel and will now fuck up the giant spreadsheet you wrote to track this entire department's earnings; my son was given a car solely because he plays football and wrestles and my husband and I pay for it all; my personal favorite, I resent my teenage daughter for playing field hockey and NOT volleyball because I played volleyball and got a scholarship to college and WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT TO BE JUST LIKE MOMMY; lolz I never have money in my wallet because my kids steal it from me all the time isn't that precious; and my idea of supervising what my children are watching/playing is to walk into the room and loudly proclaim my dislike for it but then immediately go do something else like bake cookies! And in case you haven't caught on yet: why yes, yes she is a helicopter parent. To the point where you can practically hear the rotors.

So that's the story, sad but true. In a small way she has some mannerisms that remind me of OPL. Not too many though, thank God. And I'm hoping that when my coworkers come to visit me in the hospital she doesn't invite herself along, because at this point it's going to take all I have to not walk into work tomorrow and blast "The Final Countdown" on repeat since otherwise I don't have to deal with this woman extensively until my return.

You know what? It's really true though - even I have a weirdo shitting in public story, only it didn't happen to me, but my friend. And it's a doozy.
My friend and I both worked at the same store but in different cities. She calls me up one day and tells me she's quitting. This wasn't likely of her because she was full time, needed the money, and didn't have another job lined up. She goes on to tell me that there was a customer that went to the fitting rooms fully clothed, and ran out of the store without his shirt on. Before I could even say "what the fuck" she tells me that upon arrival to the fitting room, all she could smell was shit. When she opened the door "it looked like his ass exploded" - her words. He must've downed a gallon of black coffee after eating some bad burritos because there was shit on the walls and mirror - not just a poop on the floor.
...and he tried using his shirt to clean it up. That's according to her. My theory is that he used his shirt to wipe because if you find no shame in shit-blasting a fitting room, you're gonna be committed to the finish. So yeah, she quit shortly after this.
The human race is so much more animal than we like to think.

Oh my sweet God I didn't realize there were others. Um. Allow me to take this moment to quickly tell my story of the Poo Poo Crew.

Spoiler

So when I was in college I worked at a local laundromat for two summers to make extra money for school. The first summer there was fine but the second summer was when I had to be "initiated" into the PPC. This is because there was a man who for whatever reason wandered my hometown and would stop and use our bathroom because he could walk in, destroy it, and walk out without being noticed by us at the counter. And when I say destroy it, I mean destroy it... the only time I got the responsibility of cleaning up after him, there was shit all over the toilet like some kind of shit a-bomb was dropped onto it, on the wall next to the toilet, on the floor, on the sink, on the doorknob. Every. Fucking. Where. And keep in mind that it was summer, so it was hot out, and it was in a laundromat/drycleaners, so it's even MORE hot in the building, so it immediately stank. I ended up taking an hour to clean it all up, not including the five minutes I spent outside puking in the bushes about halfway through the endeavor.

The only redeeming part of that day was that my boss let me leave after I finished since I only had an hour left in my shift (and I thankfully lived up the street so I walked home and proceeded to empty the hot water heater by showering for over an hour to try and get the feeling of disgust off of my body), but my paycheck was for the whole shift and was at time and a half for the last two hours. I think it was his way of trying to apologize for what I had to go through.