Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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Ah, now finally I can tell the tale of someone I dealt with on another forum...

This guy, hoo boy, I'm going to do my best not to compare him to Chris-Chan, because he was identical in his behavioral patterns and lifestyle. The guy ..let's call him Sean. Sean was a 32-year old man living with his parents and being spoiled with all sorts of vidya and animoos. He was also frequently rude to many people there, scared some forum members away, (at least, from what I was told) sucked up to PlayStation more than PC gaming, switched opinions drastically and acted obnoxious with people's grammar and spelling (hypocritically he couldn't spell his own words right). He even cared more about games than his other past-time, which was obviously watching anime. It was also stated that he was a closet sociopath, but I'm not sure on that part.

Unlike OPL, Sean didn't have a proper education, and wanted to start a family instead of going on a love quest, but the latter was very dubious because he was spoiled to shit, even going as far as trying to set up a pay thing to get a game he wanted because his dad wouldn't. Me, being a amateur armchair psychologist, I tried to pin the guy with aspergers, although he wasn't as bad when someone I knew first joined when the forum was setting up shop. Sean ended up getting a temp ban, but then started more shit on another forum I used to go to, and ended up getting banned there and his temp ban permanent. To add insult to injury, a bunch of us let out the feelings we had about Sean and started to criticize and joke negatively about him. I admit, it was immature, but his dickiness got on our nerves, and even if we unbanned him, he'd start up more shit like nothing happened. Although, a lot of jokes were set up in his place, like "END OF FUCKING DISCUSSION", "I'm going to rek ur shit" and "asshats".
 
i don't know all that many hilarious people, but this autumn i've had quite a load of stress (it seems to be over for now) and i guess i went into hyena mode. one individual at my workplace appears to be some sort of sperglord supreme, and he really likes cartoons. he'll just spout off out-of-context quotes from cartoons for no reason. i think he has this "quote of the day" thing going on where he'll only say one thing for a day. and yes he has a handler.

so i was in the elevator with him and his handler, and i was really nervous over some shit i won't get into, and then our hero puts on his serious face and goes, "his name's johnny, don't call him human". his handler, trying to not crack up too much, agreed to that. i just lost it. our hero glared at me and told me to not call johnny human, and all i could do was try to not have an aneurysm.

all i could think about was how i'd MUCH rather hang with this kid than deal with the person i was stressing out over. as for how his handlers kept it together, i guess you can only hear an out of context cartoon line so many times before you quit laughing.

that was a shaggy dog story.
 
Meet R the dumbass who somehow manages to fail at being a welfare leech.

I first met R in second grade and at that point he was a pudgy super quite kid who would spend his free time staring intently at his Pokemon cards or playing his Gameboy. If anyone tried to be nice to him or befriend him he would shriek at them and pelt them with rocks, naturally being an exceptional individual he shat himself at least a few times a week in class

Fast forward to 2014 R is about five foot seven and around 330 pounds sporting an epic neck beard and :briefs:, On a typical day R wears Goodwill T shirts and to the horror of everyone very tight woman's sweat pants. Somehow despite paying only sixty dollars a month in rent on a low income apartment not to mention receiving both food stamps and SSI disability, R has been kicked out multiple times for nonpayment and often experiences brief homeless spells. I ran into R a while back and we had this conversation.

Me- How’s it going R?

Him- My back is killing me and I think I have a rotten tooth.

Me- Oh that's too bad why don't you go see a doctor?

Him- I don't have insurance.

Me- don't you qualify for Medicare?

Him- "Stress Sigh" I would but the process of signing up is too long and I get bored.

That's right folks R is too lazy to apply for free stuff. Unfortunately R followed me from second grade through high school so I have many more stories if anyone cares.
 
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Ruin said:
Meet R the dumbass who somehow manages to fail at being a welfare leech.

I first met R in second grade and at that point he was a pudgy super quite kid who would spend his free time staring intently at his Pokemon cards or playing his Gameboy. If anyone tried to be nice to him or befriend him he would shriek at them and pelt them with rocks, naturally being an exceptional individual he shat himself at least a few times a week in class

Fast forward to 2014 R is about five foot seven and around 330 pounds sporting an epic neck beard and :briefs:, On a typical day R wears Goodwill T shirts and to the horror of everyone very tight woman's sweat pants. Somehow despite paying only sixty dollars a month in rent on a low income apartment not to mention receiving both food stamps and SSI disability, R has been kicked out multiple times for nonpayment and often experiences brief homeless spells. I ran into R a while back and we had this conversation.

Me- How’s it going R?

Him- My back is killing me and I think I have a rotten tooth.

Me- Oh that's too bad why don't you go see a doctor?

Him- I don't have insurance.

Me- don't you qualify for Medicare?

Him- "Stress Sigh" I would but the process of signing up is too long and I get bored.

That's right folks R is too lazy to apply for free stuff. Unfortunately R followed me from second grade through high school so I have many more stories if anyone cares.
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Please share. He sounds interesting.
 
There's this guy who used to go to my camp. Everyone called him Stranger Danger. He would stalk the girls and constantly recycle overused memes. I don't know too much about him, but I do know that he was not allowed to talk to the girls in camp. There was also this guy who was in my bunk. He took things way too seriously and got pissed off if you said something incorrectly. He was also obsessed with rockets and presidents and baking and not much else. He wrote fiction that took place in the place where he grew up in Texas, but he claimed it wasn't a self insert story. He got upset at every dinner meeting and often times just sulked about. I'm also friends with some lolcow like people through camp, and I wouldn't be as comfortable talking about them.
It's a camp where most of the campers had learning differences (me included) great place though.
 
I'm involved in a local youth theatre group, and we've had quite a few lolcows come through. I apologise if I get a bit cathartic here, but I'm one of the more senior members and so often find myself having to be unnecessarily nice to them - it grates.

One who particularly comes to mind is one I'll call J. J is quite old for this group, being 24, but that's not too unusual. He also has depression and some sort of anxiety disorder - again, not too unusual, drama tends to attract misfits generally. But wait, there's more. This guy has ambitions of being a comedian, but is literally one of the least funny people I have ever met. His idea of humour is to quote other comedians on TV. On the rare occasions he does come up with a joke of his own, he will repeat it over and over again to everyone he meets, even if you're standing right next to the last person he told it to. He has no sense of what is appropriate to joke about - for instance, he once made a joke about child molestation to someone in the group who had actually been a victim of it. What else? Well, he has terrible personal hygiene (he wore one of my jackets for a play last year and the damn thing still smells like armpit) and he's massively homophobic, which in a theatre group is a little bit like working on a dairy farm when you're lactose intolerant. One of the directors in the group is gay, and when he offered J a lift to the station, J went completely white. That is how homophobic he was.

The thing is, though, in true lolcow fashion, his response to any slight is to throw a tantrum and, quite often, to threaten suicide. For instance, in the last play I directed, someone asked him just before the first performance to leave her alone because she was going over her lines. He took this as a personal insult and stormed out of the theatre. Having put up with his shit for the past month and a half, and him being one of a cast of 25, I decided I wasn't going to go after him and basically said to the stage manager that no one was to go after him and if he hadn't shown up within twenty minutes, I was going on in his place. Fifteen minutes later he came back, and claimed to have been found by a passer-by on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Oh, right. Well, better get into costume, hadn't you?" That might seem callous, but the only bridge near the theatre is about five feet off the ground over a stream four inches deep. I mean, you could kill yourself, but you'd probably get bored first. Ten minutes later his mother arrived demanding to speak to the girl who had offended him so. Yes, at the age of 24 he still had his mum fighting his battles.

The creepiest thing he did, though, was stalking a girl in the group. And when I say "girl," I mean she was 16. Not even an old-looking 16, when she first joined I thought she was about 12. To be fair, she is a bit of an attention-seeker, so didn't exactly discourage him at first. But then he'd try to be partnered up with her in games and warm-ups. When the two of them were playing characters who were married in one play, I don't think he'd ever been so happy (regardless of the fact that the joke was that she was supposed to be young, pretty and cheating on her old and stupid husband). Then things got creepier - he was often spotted walking repeatedly past the restaurant where she works, apparently "just passing." At one point he was spotted standing outside her house. It wasn't until this girl's sister shouted at him that he left her alone. Apparently being polite can induce suicide, but outright yelling gets results.

Anyway, after the suicide-by-four-inch-stream fiasco, the theatre group's committee invited him, very firmly, to take a break from the group. He did show up to one or two rehearsals, didn't do much and went home. It's like with Chris, I would feel sorry for the guy, he's obviously got problems, but he's also a massive prick who brings it on himself and never learns.
 
There's this one kid who used to show up at my uni's gaming club, thankfully he hasn't returned this year. He would come to play Monster Hunter or something, but mostly he just came to talk. Boy, could he talk. He would sit in the center of the room and just scream conversations with people three feet away from him. It didn't matter if he was enthusiastically agreeing with their tastes in anime, or starting a fight over who had the best taste in anime, his repertoire of things to scream about was endless... as long as it was anime.

For most of the year, he attended every meeting in a trenchcoat and fedora, which perfectly complemented his bulbous physique and matted, greasy hair. Since the trenchcoat couldn't actually close in the front, we could see his belly hanging out from under his ill-fitting anime shirts. Things got good near the end of the year, when he had a tomgirl phase. He started coming to meetings in a dress, with a trenchcoat over the top. Instead of a fedora, he wore a sparkly, purple cat-ear headband. He suddenly stopped after 3 weeks, presumably because he realized that he was a sexual crossdresser and not transgender.

Probably the worst part of this kid was the way he ate. Meetings typically went from noon to midnight, so everyone would have to get dinner eventually. He would go to Wendy's and bring back a full sack of chicken nuggets. He would chew the nuggets so loudly that it could be heard over the DotA screamers and Blazblue gameplay, but that wasn't the worst part. What would happen when he was finished was worse. He would pull cup after cup of ketchup, and eat it plain with his fingers, making slurping noises as the condiment dribbled down his chin. Worse still, he would talk the whole time, spraying flecks of ketchup at others as he did. The imagery of this is still stuck in my head, I actually gagged while writing this.

There's another guy who's only a lolcow in the sense that he has no idea how to disconnect his public and private life. I gave an epic retelling of our encounter in the "Furries" thread, but the long and short of it is that a mutual friend met us both for dinner, and the guy came with some kind of fursuit in a box. When pressed, he wouldn't say anything about being a furry, but he friended me on steam later. His username is distinct enough, and... well... he uses it everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Word to the wise: if you're going to make an account on Steam with your real name listed, don't go make an account with the same username on "the Yiff Gallery".

This one isn't personal, it's actually my brother's. He had a high school classmate who claimed that he was in the marines, and also an undercover cop with special privileges. Being in high school, he actually managed to convince a number of his classmates that he's a real undercover cop, and he has a gun, and all those times he's been arrested in school were just to help build his street cred. Yes, he has been arrested in school. This is not something you see every day in an upper-middle-class neighborhood like ours.

He claims that he has already enlisted in the Marines, and that he received preemptive training so that he can go straight to the front lines when he turns 18. He has a vaguely army-looking backpack with a phony marines patch that he says proves this.

The cherry on top of this shit sundae is that the kid is a registered sex-offender. He got caught carving out the ceiling tiles in the women's restroom at a Toys-R-Us and hiding an iPod Touch. I'm not sure where to begin with this, because I can't tell if it's worse that he was hiding cameras in the women's restroom, or that he was interested in the Toys-R-Us clientele.

The good news is that he's still got a group of loyal fans who keep cheering him on. As long as they keep "believing" him, he keeps doing dumb shit like this.
 
Either 17 or 18 when this was going on, he may have been held back a year.
 
kagayaki said:
So he already was an RSO (registered sex offender) at that age?
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That's the word around town, but you know... high schoolers. I can't find him in the SO registry, so chances are he was a minor when the incident occurred. He doesn't deny putting cameras in the bathroom, he seems to think it was a badass thing to do. #TYCED
 
My county is full of Registered Sex Offenders, but the searchable list only shows the worst of the worst.
 
Yeah, its pretty much just pedos where I am. Sexual assault, privacy invasion, and public indecency convicts don't get posted, as far as I can tell.

Totally changing topic: There is an amazing lolcow who travels the midwest to share the True and Honest Word of the Lord. His name is Brother Jed. He and Chris have a lot in common. Here's the best video I can find of him:

Basically, he's in the "god hates fags" camp; he thinks women should be married before age 18 (usually) and never leave the house afterwords. He preaches hellfire and damnation to anyone who disagrees with him, sometimes singling out specific audience members. Everywhere he goes, he's received by a familiar crowd of "fans" in much the same way Tommy Wiseau is, and each location has their own traditions surrounding him.

At my school, students actually take turns having a Q&A with him where he explains the intricacies of emotionally abusing his wife or the precise punishment Satan has in store for condom users. God help you if you tell him you're Muslim or Jewish.
 
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OK the night of the server Crash I posted this, however I will posted this now as I had a call from one of my LOLCows this week.

Let me introduce Jacob, Jacob is a 28 year old failed entrepreneur with rich an over protecting parents.
I fist met this cow when we where 5 years old and attended the same school for a while, his Dad an my Dad became friends so we kinda hung out together when we where kids and carried on this way until a few years ago. Jacob always fancied himself the scholar, Jacob an I socialized together as teens he always tried to come of as a deep intellectual guy always carried some classical book on him but never read it but the girls from his circle of friends nearly always saw through it. Now he attended about 2.5 years of uni, but dropped every class as it was too hard for him (Seriously Art appreciation to hard). So after he has finally dropped out he mopes around his bungalow on the grounds of his parents house (his family is seriously loaded) and he has a bright idea to start a business.

His first business was a cycle repair shop, so get get's money from his folks finds a place set's up shop and buy's a a lot of bikes and tools and advertises he repairs high end bikes, after a few weeks I gather business isn't going well hardly any of his customer are happy. So one day I get a call asking if I can help him out in the shop for a day and teach him some things about using tools, I agree wanting to see my friend succeed arrange for some one to take care of my own business for the day. The day I was due to help him out I wait in my car outside of his shop and he is half a hour late "well shit happens" I right if off as but from there on in that day get's worse, he goes into this small back room an makes a coffee for himself an not me, I tried to show him how to keep a clean an tidy work area how to organize his tool box etc he just sat on his arse all day on a couch using his laptop to surf the internet all day and at the end he didn't even say thank's, when I quizzed him over the situation he said and I quote "The smell of oil makes me feel sick" and I leave it alone at that point and a short month after he shuts up shop.

So Back to his folks place, and he mopes around for a few weeks and his folks decide "Poor diddums need's a break" so they pack him of to Italy for over a month all expenses payed I might add.

So he goes away for a while and comes back ranting about this great idea an how he has learned the art of cooking real authentic Italian food. So business two is started he get's even more money from his folks and tries to start a restaurant, now at this point I will introduce my best friend Ste, Ste is a professional Chef and has worked for some serious Michelin stared restaurants and knows just about every trick in the trade as it where. So I sit Ste an Jacob down so he can get some cold hard tips an tricks Jacob listened but ignored the advice. Instead of getting the the ovens second hand he bought the most expensive he could find (in his mind more money = better) every single thing was brand spanking new. What he did do though is take Ste's offer to help him find experienced staff and for him to help out on opening night.

Now it takes a little while but Jacob finds a place, and set about renovating it and I see the work progress and for a while I thought you know what he might just be able to pull this off so a week or so before he is due to open I get a call asking me to help him out with a few things, starting with a issue with BT installing his phone and broadband, setting up his EPOS system and general last minute "Dude you know how to use tool's an fix / make things can you do this..." so believing in my friend I help him out and I set up the chairs an tables do some detail painting etc. Now the day before the restaurant opens a large print arrives of a Tuscan landscape, and looks great an it's hung where he wanted while he is out picking wine. And he comes back and it didn't look exactly right to him and he drops his bag walks into the bathroom an screams himself silly.

At this point I thought "Oh god drama has arrived" but he swallows it after after getting told by every one in the building it looked great.

So day of the opening arrives, I show up a little early and wait outside, then Ste shows up an we wait outside of over a hour and I call him and a few times to ask where he is and didn't get a answer then I see a van pull up and see Jacob an his Dad get out and his Dad looked Dead on his feet, an Jacob say's "Hi Guy's can you help my Dad unload while I go the shop". It turns out he asked his mum to ask his dad to help him out an get real authentic Italian food and disregarding what Ste said about local suppliers of Italian brands being sold at catering shops in bulk got his dad to rent a van, go to Italy buy a load of food and drive it back the guy had been driving for nearly two days straight. Jacob disappeared and left the three of us to unload I got Jacobs dad to sit down an made him a cup of tea an he fell right asleep where he was sitting. So me an Ste unload the van and once that's done Ste drives Jacobs dad home.

So a few hours later Jacob comes back with a Starbucks in one hand a a load of shopping bags in the other and deals with the fancy things like flowers for the tables etc, while I finish off a few things like tables and chairs, running a few test transactions on the EPOS etc and Ste an the other Chef's are cooking up a tasty storm in the kitchen. At this point Jacob disappears with the shopping bag's and get's changed into this really nice well tailored suit, the serving staff arrive and the time of the Grand opening arrives, the first table is a little late an I can see Jacob stressing out a little but it shows up an it turns out the Taxi got a little lost no biggie an everything seems to go smoothly from that point he plays the gracious host recommending food an wine etc, and it comes for the first customers to pay up so he comes over an asks how was the meal. One of the guests say's the Steak he ordered was delicious but just ever so slightly over cooked for him but still really good, Jacob apologized to the table comps them a £30 bottle of wine, say's they didn't have to pay for the main course and goes into the kitchen and Chews out the Chef who cooked it an threatened to fire him on the spot if he didn't come out front an apologize, I was out back having my dinner an heard it go down and thought not just what Jacob did but how he went about it was really really out of order, Ste was going to say something but to this other chefs credit waved him off.

Now I run out back an get changed, an hear a argument start in the restaurant it turns out a table a few down from the first tried to pull the same trick. Jacob had a full on hissy fit an screamed something to the effect of "YOUR ALL PIG'S YOUR NOT WORTHY TO EAT MY FOOD YOUR ALL PIG'S!!!!" an ran out crying. While Ste came out front an made apologies to the guests an sent them all a free desert an a bottle of house wine I ran after Jacob an found him in this up market bar down the street downing shots an crying an no matter how much I tried to console him he was having non of it an was enjoying the pitty party he was throwing himself....

So predictably the Restaurant goes under an he is back to moping around the bungalow every one we know is giving him a wide birth an he is trying to bad mouth myself an Ste for the failure of the restaurant behind our backs (non of our friends believed him an told us what he was saying an knew just how much we helped him) So his Mum an Dad decide he need's another Holiday this time to America, and he winds up in Vegas wins some money an comes home an wants to be a pro gambler... I distanced myself as much as I could from him aside from the odd phone call and right up until today the last contact I had with him was a call about how he would pay me to set up a load of poker bots for him an how he would pay me back with the winnings. At this point he was about £50K in the hole and was getting his dad to once again bail him out again.

Today's call was much the same but with more begging, I just hung up.

So that's partly the tail of Jacob, I have way way way more story's about this guy if any one is interested.
 
There's someone I met online through a message board years ago who is a big time lolcow. He believes that Pope Francis is the antichrist. That Race mixing is an evil. But has admitted that he would sleep with an Asian, or even black woman if the opportunity would arise. When confronted about this he claims he is only against black men "stealing" white women. He believes that women shouldn't wear pants. He thinks that The Jews are evil and control the world. He is also 26 years old, a virgin, weighs about 300 pounds, has no job, and lives with his parents. He's a self professed Mario, and Spongebob Superfan. He has even attempted to make a bad online webcomic and post it to Youtube. The comic is done entirely in cheap pen's and looks like a child drew it. He used to have aYoutube channel but that has since been deleted. He might have another one sitting around somewhere. I'll see if I can find it. It largely consisted of Family Guy clips recorded off a phone, and videos of him making racist rantings about how being against racism makes you against white people.
 
My roommate is a SJW, furry, militant atheist, misanthrope with Aspergers. He's like an amalgamation of Furry Affinity, tumblr, and /r/atheism.

I try to be very understanding, but he can be such a dick at times. I drive him around and he's the worst backseat driver despite me always driving him around (he doesn't have a car.) He never pays for gas either. He always has commentary to make that comes off a bit snarky. He's one of those kids who boasts about his IQ, and while he's fairly bight, he overestimates his intelligence, but of course I never call him out on it. He doesn't realize that having a high IQ doesn't mean shit if you don't utilize your intelligence.

He stays up everyday until 2-4 AM and sometimes wakes me up during the night, and I've noticed my sleep has been getting worse. He shows me his furry porn drawings and goes off on the most spergy subjects for hours.

He's alienated himself from practically everybody in our small school, and loves to go on rants about the Catholic church even though we go to a Catholic university, albeit a fairly liberal one. I guess he got into an argument with a religious girl last year and made her cry, and he pissed off like 4 RAs a couple of weeks ago with his rant, and it's not like the RAs here are dicks, they are pretty chill and understanding people.

I get it, you don't pick up on social cues, and I try to be understanding, but there's not too much more I can take. It's as he doesn't try to work on being more social. He hates society and would rather blame society than work on himself. I think ultimately he uses Aspergers as a crutch.

Apparently has threesomes with his dolphin plushies and fucks himself with the dolphin dildo he has, when I'm actually OK with, it's better than the other shti he does, well as long as I don't have to hear or see or be aware of it. He's 21 and he's a senior with not too many great job prospects (he's going to only have a Bachelors in Biology, and in that field, it's tough to find a decent job without at least a Masters.) He's having hard time looking for work, but I think a part of it is he never networked. I feel bad for him, but the real world is going to fucking chew him up and spit him out.

Sorry if this isn't really "personal lolcow" material, but I just needed to get that off my chest. I really need to get another roommate or my own room next semester.
 
Holy crap, guys. If BentDuck hadn't said that I wouldn't have remembered the best worst floor-mate ever. Probably the only non-internet acquaintance I've ever trolled. He's also one in a long chain supporting my theory that I'm a retard magnet.

This guy had it all. I'll call him D. He was obese, unsanitary, racist, and full of himself. We were in a big public dorm, and he lived across the floor from me, and for some reason he thought I was his best friend. He was one of those autistic kids who thinks that autism is a free license to be an awful person and still have everyone owe you something. He was also a Sephardic Jew, and to him that basically meant being an insufferable asshole to Arab kids. Many of his nights were spent sitting down with random girls in the dining hall to ask them to ask them personal questions and try to get them to have sex with him. He also had this obsession with Malaysia, a country known for basically being Borat's Kazakhstan when it comes to Jews. I'm going to break this up into spoiler tags, because there are a lot of stories to tell.

These ones are just backstory:
Even a few weeks into the semester, D was already becoming a pariah. He had a reputation for busting into people's rooms while they had friends over and talking loudly at them. On this particular day, D invited himself into a kid's room while he and his friend were watching TV and eating Lucky Charms out of the box. He didn't say anything, just stood there and watched with them. He started taking cereal, also without asking. Then, suddenly, he sneezed directly into his hand, and reached into the box. The room-owner turned around and said "D, that's gross. You just sneezed in your hand and then put your hand in my cereal. Why would you do that?"

Of course, D saw nothing wrong with sticking his mucus- and spittle-covered hand into someone else's food, and he took offense. He tried his hardest to prove that everything was fine, but they told him to get out, and take the contaminated cereal with him. D obviously didn't want to leave this session of male bonding, but hey, free cereal, so he left.

He told me this story so many times, in accurate detail that clearly put him in the wrong, and then whined about how those guys were just assholes and they must have a grudge against him. This will come back later.
While D was Argentinian (by birth only, he moved here before his first memory), his roommate was from the South side of Chicago. He was a huge black kid, and very intimidating, but I'm pretty sure he was a full-ride aerospace engineer. D was terrified of him because he's a racist, but what he didn't know was that his roommate was terrified back.

D basically never showered or wiped his ass, but that wasn't nearly the worst of it. What broke the camel's back for his roommate was this one week D was sick. He had a stomach virus or something, and was spending all day in bed or at his desk. In case he vomited, he had a large plastic mixing bowl to catch it. Lo and behold, he did vomit, and he caught it in the bowl. Being sick, he didn't want to leave his room, so instead, he carefully poured the bowl's contents into his nalgene bottle, where they would remain for TWO WEEKS after he got over his illness. His roommate begged him to deal with it, but he wouldn't. It just sat there fermenting until the roommate gave up and requested a room change. D got the room all to himself for the rest of the year.
One Saturday, D asked me to go the local Asian grocery with him. I had nothing better to do, so I trekked with him across campus to this squat little store that sold Asian specialty ingredients. He was looking for durian, which I'm now reasonably sure he'd never had before, but he said it was his favorite fruit. We went in and picked up a tube of durian puree and a couple of mochi desserts, then brought them to a park to eat.

Besides the thing kid who ate plain ketchup (see earlier post), this was the most disgusting food-related experience I've ever had. I ate maybe a spoonful of the puree and couldn't handle any more, it was just too sweet. What I later discovered is that durian puree, much like baker's chocolate, is a raw ingredient not meant to be consumed plain. This didn't deter D. He ate nearly the whole thing, about a pound of it, talking and chewing with his mouth open the whole time. When he was done, he put the remainder in a shopping bag. When we got back to the dorm, he brought it inside and tried to give it to some unsuspecting Malaysian kid he didn't know, because all Malaysians like durian, right? If you're not familiar, durian smells like a rotting trash heap, and this particular durian was just a saliva-covered wad of fruit paste. D thought he was doing the kid a favor by bringing that into his room. They never got the smell out.
This is where I went on the offensive:
D kept losing the key to his room. This was a weekly occurrence for him. He lost his key so many times that the building manage banned him from getting any more keys, because he was basically scattering free keys all around campus. He refused to get a lanyard out of sheer laziness, even thought they were available for free all over campus. Whenever he was keyless, he would go around the floor asking people to "watch his room" so no one would steal anything. This entailed checking-in on his room every so often, essentially just waiting for something to be stolen so he could complain about it. I'm not sure how he thought stealing worked, but he was basically running around advertising that his room would be unlocked and unattended to a floor full of people who hated his guts.

One weekend, he said he was travelling home and wanted me to "watch" his room. When he was gone, I invited my friend over, and we completely mirrored the room. This dorm had symmetrical floor plans, so we took everything and moved it to the opposite side, even his mattress (ew) and random floor garbage. We also found a lot of cockroaches, a problem that no one else in the building had. When we were done, I collected all the stray change and broken pencils from the floor, and arranged them in a shrine around a cockroach carcass.

When he got back, the first thing he did was run to my room and say someone broke into his room. I said it wasn't really "breaking in" if it was unlocked. He was panicking, because of the creepy cockroach shrine, which he brought me to see. I said I didn't see anything out of the ordinary, but he insisted something was wrong and that his room was backwards. Being a reasonable person, he assumed this was revenge from the Lucky Charms kids. The room stayed mirrored for the rest of the year.
At some point, I started to see an opportunity here. D was an active facebook user, he was on practically all day sharing 9gag memes or complaining about how nobody understands what a deep thinker he is. I would make sarcastic comments every time and he would freak out and delete the status or send me a rage-PM.

So, I realized I had this old puppet account on FB that I made for some hairbrained scheme a year before. I wiped all the content, and renamed it "Shower Brush", a not-so-subtle joke about the two things he desperately needed to do. I gave it a random scribble for an avatar and sent a friend request off to him. Of course, he accepted it without a second thought. That's when I got to work. I downloaded all of his pictures and started fucking with them. I would duplicate his eyes onto his mouth, or put his face on everyone's head, or switch his head with a lamp. I waited until he went to class (a rare event) and swapped out all the pictures on Shower Brush for the demented versions of his profile. Then I changed the name to a demented version of his own, and set all my "about" info to slightly wrong info about him.

I wish I could convey the sense of panic and horror he expressed when he burst into my room an hour later. I eventually came clean, but he blocked me for that. In a way, the event killed two birds with one stone.
 
hurrhurrhurr said:
Here's a good one:

I used to live like, two blocks away from where @CatParty currently lives in Brooklyn. I lived in a shitty overpriced loft where I'd pay $800 a month for the privilege of having a room so small that I could not stand up in it and had to climb up a ladder to get into my room, which I would occasionally fall off while drunkenly climbing them. I had five other roommates, which is a pain in the ass enough, but downright miserable considering one of them was an oogle.

Where do I begin? We went to the same college, but he flunked out because he never went to class and instead preferred to get stoned all the time (nothing wrong with that, but when you choose it over going to class then you have a problem). His hygeine was legendary when he lived in the dorms (of course, I never heard about this before moving in... only until I asked people if he knew them) because you could smell his dorm room as soon as you got off the elevator on his floor. He would bring in garbage and junk that he dumpstered and dumped it off in the common area. He would get in the way of us while cleaning and yell at us for throwing his garbage out. He was hospitalized for getting an infection due to lack of hygiene. Bragged about his sexual exploits with underaged runaways from the midwest. I came from the bar with some friends over to smoke down and have a good time, and we walked in on him banging some 16 year old girl on the couch, so we decided to go to the rooftop instead. He hung out with a bunch of other oogles that lived in "Surreal Estate", a famous party venue. Despite being two blocks away, he would let them crash at our house because it was substantially less filthy. Whenever they would come over, it was like the scene from "A Christmas Story" when the pack of dogs ran in, ate the turkey, and ran out after trashing the house. They would eat my food, spit on the floor, leave hypodermic needles in the bathroom after shooting up heroin, put cigarettes out on the floor instead of the ash tray, and leave my video games outside of the cases on the floor. The apartment was in such bad shape that my then-girlfriend refused to come over because it was so disgusting.

He have very rich parents. He was from the Hamptons, and they would give him a thousand dollars a month (on top of his rent), and he did his best to hide it because he glamorized poverty and was ashamed of having rich parents. You would think, with all that money, he would have not have had to ask me and my roommates for money, but lo and behold he would. He would also panhandle for money by going out to Manhattan, hiding his shoes, and holding a sign that said "need money for a pair of shoes." He would hand wash his clothing in the sink and use up our hand soap in the process. He would then dry his clothing on a frying pan on the stove, which resulted him in nearly setting our apartment on fire on multiple occasions because he would get high and forget about it. He had a cat that he neglected, and I once heard him say "oh, he's being an asshole and howling because I haven't fed him in a couple days." He would have this GOD DAMN SPACE HEATER that he kept running in his room when he wasn't there that would rack up the power bill and he threatened me with a knife because I kept turning it off. I once heard him tell someone that "money is an illusion to make you happy" and then ten minutes later, call up his parents to ask for more money.

The worst feature of him was his music taste. He would only listen to "Doom \M/ETAL" and would do shit like unplug my computer from the speakers and plug his ipod in to blast doom \M/ETAL (Not even good stuff like Electric Wizard, but random bands he found of Myspace). He didn't give a fuck what time of day it was. Once, after a party and we were all drunkenly passing out at FIVE IN THE MORNING he started blasting it because he probably stole some of my adderall. If any of you have gone to a liberal arts college where you have to write around 150 pages worth of papers during finals know, there are very few times when you can sleep, and it's a premium. After not sleeping for two days, I decided to come home to sleep around 4pm and as soon as my head hit the pillow, the doom \M/ETAL started. I asked if he could put headphones on, and he obliged long enough until I had fallen asleep when he FUCKING STARTED IT UP AGAIN and woke me up. Must be easy when you don't have any school/work obligations.

It eventually got to the point where since I wasn't on the lease and neither was he, I told my roommates to kick him out or else I was leaving. Sadly, even though they hated him, the ones on the lease were vegan social justice warriors and (in their own words) "didn't have the heart to kick him out". I moved out and in with my friend who was such a massive drunk that he would later burn down the apartment on accident. Despite burning down my apartment, I'd rather live with him than the oogle if given the choice. It eventually got to the point where none of the former roommates would even talk to him and one of them threatened to beat his ass with a baseball bat if he brought any of his rotter friends over.

I'm not a psychologist, so I can't diagnose him other than being a super spoiled only child who always had his way and was never told "no" by his parents growing up.
Click to expand...

Sometimes there is no mental issues other than a person being a spoiled brat.
 
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