Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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So, let me tell you about my friend's Dad. My friends from college know him as "porn dad".

Growing up he was a pretty cool guy. He would take all of us to go watch wrestling, miniature wargaming conventions, run our dungeons and dragons games, and play magic the gathering with us.

As an adult, we realized he had full blown autism.

First of all, he had a huge pornography collection. Like, a legitimate attic full of pornography magazines (which he called "fuck books"). He kept this porn in his mother's attic even though he did not live with her. I would go over there with my friend and play with action figures as a child while he would spend hours in the attic admiring his porn.

He hates internet porn, like absolutely hates it. He got into an argument with a friend about it:
Friend: I have more porn on these five CDs (this is the late 90s btw) than you do in that attic.
Porn Dad: Oh yeah? Well one time I was up in the attic, and there was a bat so I took a stack of my fuck books and crushed that bat with it! I would like to see you try that with a stack of CDs!

That was literally the only justification he could come up with as to why print pornography was better than digital.

The day my friend (his only child) was born, his father-in-law gave him $20 bucks to buy a sandwich. He took that money and bought porn instead of a sandwich. His ex-wife (who is just plain batshit crazy) told me this story the day their granddaughter was born.

Last time I saw him was around another grandchild's birthday. I said "How are you today [Porndad]?" His response was "I was expecting my barely legal teens magazine in the mail but instead it was a bunch of cards for my brat grandson."

He married a mail order bride from the Philippines. She was a whore. Literally. She exchanged sex for money as her job back home. Predictably, he paid to bring her two bastard children over to the US and he helped her get a job at the factory where he was a bookkeeper (ideal job for an autistic) and she divorced him, maxed out their shared credit cards, took the house, and banged all his coworkers.

After the divorce, he moved in with his Mom. In true lolcow fashion, the house (and all of his porn) burned down due to an electrical fire.

He is unable to control his volume (another sign of autism) and is incapable of whispering, even when his grandchildren are sleeping.

He has an obsession for the original dungeons and dragons, which he modified with articles and rules in old Dragon Magazines. He hates Advanced Dungeons and Dragons and later editions because he thinks skill checks and feats are "gay". He also hates Monks as a character class. He refuses to play and instead reads porno mags in his room, randomly wandering out to tell an inappropriate joke or to mock us for making a skill check.

Recently, he was banging a 70something year old woman with dementia. He considered this a great accomplishment since it was his friend's mom and one of the first people he ever jerked off to as a child.

He's a hardcore Republican and doesn't think schools or roads should be funded by the government and that you should be able to take care of yourself. He has a degree in history but refuses to teach because "teachers are the enemy". He hates unions, yet is constantly laid off at work even though he's worked there 30+ years. He constantly spouts his hatred for welfare even though his son's family (who moved in with him after his aforementioned mother went into a nursing home) gets $800 a month in food stamps, which he eats. He used to make his son not wear a coat during the winter because he knew the school would give him a free coat like they do with all impoverished kids. He could afford a coat, but he was cheap, had no shame, and was taking advantage of the system. When he loses arguments with me (I teach ppl how to argue a living and he's autistic, so trust me, he definitely loses) he starts screaming and hurling insults and ragequits.

I don't have anything to show you internet wise because he lives so far out in the middle of nowhere that they are unable to get internet.

I've gotten some requests in chat and other messages for more porn dad stories:

One time we were playing Pathfinder over at his house. Since it was not first edition, he refused to join in. He randomly walked up to us while we were in combat and said this joke:

"Once there was a Knight going to fight in the crusades. He did not trust his wife, so he had a wizard cast a spell on her vagina that would cause any penis to enter her to fall off. When he returned, he made all of his men drop their pants and they were all missing their penises except for one servant. He had all of the dickless men executed and said to the loyal servant, "You are the only servant who didn't betray me, how shall I reward you?" The servant replied, "HAN UAH HAH RUAHH"" His grandchildren were in attendance for that one.

Porn Dad told us all when we were in middle school that he had an "Indian Curve". Christorians would know this by the term of a "bent duck",

Porn Dad rocks the pedo glasses worn by Mylar, old Chris, Kengel, and Connor. Actually, he kind of looks like a thinner Kengel.

When Porn Dad's son was a baby, he refused to talk to him until he was able to speak. Unrelated: Porn Dad's son has severe learning disabilities and didn't know how to spell "what" until High School.

Porn Dad's son is a lolcow upon himself. He got brainwashed in the extreme hypocritical arch-conservative ideology. He doesn't believe in roads, thinking people should build their own roads outside their house and it will all work out. This is, like I mentioned before, a person who gets nearly $800 a month in food stamps because he keeps on having children to save his marriage. He married into a family of hillbilly hoarders that puts the Chandlers to shame. Not only do they hoard stuff from goodwill/garage sales, but they also buy up blighted properties like a FUCKING ABANDONED PICKLE FACTORY to store their hoard in. Their house has a tarp for a roof, etc. His wife has 6 siblings and all of them are on a tugboat except for her brother who is the weed kingpin of the sticks and the brother who is in prison for being a pedophile. Porn Dad and his son live on a farm, and the inlaws not only hoard goods, but animals as well. This includes feral horses and a herd of sheep that they don't eat/shear that the inlaws stuck on their property because they're a bunch of cochroaches. Despite it being porn dad's property, he's too autistic to do anything about it.

Porn Dad doesn't drink, except for a friend's birthday party where he drank "dose eckwiss" (that's how he pronounced it) because "the most interesting man in the world drinks it"
 
I don't remember if I brought this guy up before on here or not, but oh well.

I remember this one kid back in high school, he was this really large kid who has this speech impediment that made him talk like Elmer Fudd.

He and I both had to take "STEPS" classes, which are basically classes that help those with disabilities prepare for some parts of the real world. Like doing mock interviews and such.

Anyway, the kid was a real sperg. (I should know) For some reason he kept following me around and coming up to me saying "I'm here to help you!" "The tutors don't understand you like I do!" And some other weird stuff. At the time, I was especially self conscious about the fact I had autism and didn't want to be associated with him, but he wouldn't leave me alone.

Eventually, he mentioned that I had autism and we needed to stick together. I decided to shove him and told him never to mention my autism ou loud. He then screamed, "You assaulted me! SECURITY!! SECURITY!!"

We both got sent in to a nearby classroom. I admitted what I did, but he acted like I viciously attacked him and said the police should be called. The person we were talking to didn't think that was necessary and let me off with a warning.

At one point he and I shared the same drama teacher, and we were supposed to perform monologues in front of everyone's parents. Everyone else, including myself had to memorize their monologues, but Not Elmer apparently was allowed to have his lines attached to his costume while he performed. He was going to be Peter Pan too.

For some reason though, when his turn came around, he never got up. Everyone was a little confused as to where he was. Later on, we found his mom took him home.

According to my own parents, his mom was a little crazy herself. She probably gave him the idea that he's a special snowflake, as my dad told me he witnessed him going up to these two other students who were talking, interrupted them, was told to wait, and then shouted something along the lines "Don't ignore me! My mom told me that people should always pay attention to me!"

No idea what he's doing now. Looking back, I probably could have handled the situation better, instead of shoving him. But he just wouldn't leave me alone.
 
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Well, I suppose I'll give this one a go. It's about a personal horrorcow.

As some of you may know, I'm a friend of @Oglooger and we hang out often, often working on sketches or discussing politics. A year back, though, we had someone new join our routine discussions. For the purposes of this, he will be referred to as Grease. I choose to give him this moniker due to his increasingly greasy, straggly hair.

Grease is stick thin and has slightly large teeth. We initially invited him because he appeared to have similar tastes to ours, and we felt as though it would add more depth to our sketch ideas. In the beginning, this seemed to be the case, as he was able to bring up a new viewpoint on certain subjects. However, these conversations quickly went stale as we learned more about Grease's personality.

He was as edgy as a tesseract. He constantly went on about anarchism and other such trivialities, and constantly invaded our discussions with off topic babble and "gothic" philosophies (as a descendent of Visigoths, I found that bit hilarious at the time). However, we allowed it, since he was our friend. We would learn soon after what a mistake that was.

Grease had (has?) a terrible home life, with a missing father and an uncaring mother (in his words). Constant arguments with his mother about borrowing money for shopping led him to "move out", AKA bumming at Og's place for about two weeks. During this time, we saw how much of a slob he was. Clothes strewn about, food left out, the works. And yet, believing his lies, we allowed him to stay.

And then the falling out happened.

Og had gotten fed up with Grease. He snapped, and essentially kicked him out after a fortnight, as he had the foresight to know when to quit. Grease did not take this well, and a week later, he broke into Og's apartment, broke his toilet, stole some food, used his computer to talk to his "hot gf", and left with the doors unlocked. He has since "apologized", but Og isn't having any of it.

And then, lo and behold, he tries bumming at my place. Wanting to be polite, I allow him to stay one night. He stole my debit card, emptied my fridge, and refused any responsibility. I subsequently kicked him out.

Recently, Grease has been playing the pity card on me, and I am continuing to try and politely get him out of my life. Last I heard of him, he caught my father and interrogated him about me. I don't know many details, but Grease was apparently very distraught.
 
You forgot why he's a local lolcow .

Basically, Grease saw himself as a manwhore and wanted to be some kind of a pimp or some shit.
He tried flirting with girls from the other high school, He failed spectaculary after telling some girl that "when ever you need someone to be with, I'll be here" or some kind of fedora like statement.
He eventually gained status as a creep with both our school and the other school.
He never understood why people disliked him and thought it was because he was some poor misunderstood person.
He would never shower unless I kept nagging him to do so and he would never brush his teeth.
eventually he tried to be like me and emulate my mannerisms.
He tried wearing my clothes and try to make his hair into a pony tail like I would sometimes do. he even dyed his hair dark so he could be dark haired like me.

Shit really start hitting the fan when he started skipping school.
one day when I got home with Wolfen, my neighbor said that earlier that day, someone who looked like my friends broke into my house through the sliding door.
when I got home, my toilet broke, my computer was on and some of my bread was gone.
earlier that day, someone had infiltrated my skype.
Wolfen and I concluded it was Grease and we had to interrogate him about it.
Grease denied everything and eventually skipped school more because he disliked school.
Grease tried finding forgivness and said that he didn't break in, but his dark side did it or some shit.
he also claimed to no longer be atheist and became a wiccan.
We still had him in exile.


he later got ranover by a car because he tried to out run it on his bike.
there was much rejoicing around the school
 
@Oglooger, how old was Grease? Is he still alive?
he's a year younger than me.
he's probably going to or has repeat the year.
He lives and showed off pictures of the accident on his facebook according to some kids.
Evreyone in my school still hates him.

I forgot to mention that he even flirts with girls who already have boyfriends.
There were two incidents I remember.
one where he tried to get close to some girl he tried to get and tried to act cool by eating peanuts. She's allergic to peanuts and told him to go away. he kept persisting until her boyfriend told him to fuck off.

Second incident was where she tried to get laid with a girl who is known to fuck anyone who is good looking and her boyfriend is a cuck.
She turned him down since she knew about Grease for some time.
He begged for sex and even whipped out his dick in front of her,
She told him to fuck off and jack off in the bathroom.

I also remember the time he tried to act cool by going to a bon fire party, but was just annoying everyone there and not taking any drugs. he just wanted to get laid.
He now lives in the City right next to us and I wonder if they are already tired of his shit.
 
Was he diagnosed with a mental disorder? Were there any charges filed against him?
 
Was he diagnosed with a mental disorder? Were there any charges filed against him?
He always said he was a schizo, but he's in reality just a dick. No charges, but it was considered.
 
Didn't he also say he was a "bi-curious sadistic masochist"?
I also remember him being banned from the store I was a regular at because he was caught shop lifting there.
what was he shop lifting? honeybuns. why? because he was hungry and apparently he didn't just want to go home and get some food there.
 
There is a woman from my old hometown from a fairly prominent family that is actually a semi famous lolcow/sadcow. I hadn't thought of her in a long time until my sister and I did some reminiscing. I'll call her Sue, because that's what she did a lot of.

Sue's family was affluent and everything on the surface looked promising. She came from money, was very attractive, and had a couple of marketing/PR degrees that enabled her to gtfo of our little town and do shit in the real world. One of the perks of her career was spending time with celebrities, where she rubbed elbows and other parts with celebrities. Michael Jordan was one of these famous people and their affair (he was married at the time) was an open secret. Sue returns home and subsequently is revealed to be pregnant. Michael Jordan is claimed to be the baby daddy, but he denies it and a paternity test proves him right. So instead of acknowledging another local man as the father, what does Sue do? That's right, she demands further tests and child support from MJ. Every single test comes back proving that Sues's son isn't his, and domestic relations keeps telling her to kick rocks, but she doggedly pursues him by any means necessary--including harassing voicemails, press leaks, angry visits, and more legal action. Jordan obtains a restraining order and Sue is legally barred from any contact or further legal action against him.

A year or so later, the dust has settled a little bit, and Sue is quietly living with her parents and raising her son. My job at a community center had me bumping into her occasionally and sometimes I dealt with her son. He was a cute little boy with a huge smile and good manners, so I don't pay Sue any further mind than any other parent or child. She seemed like she had some issues, but as long as Little Not Jordan was being raised it wasn't my business or concern. My last conversation with Sue revealed that she was in a long distance relationship that was getting serious and she was considering moving to live with her new man and introducing LNJ on their next visit. I congratulated her and wished them both well.

And two-three months later, Sue is back in the headlines. This time she is suing Paris Hilton for stealing the idea of a Dubai season of "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" and interfering in her relationship with a Dubai sheik. Hilton's legal team has way less patience than Jordan's, and Sue only gets a couple of lawsuits dismissed before the courts block her from any legal action against Hilton ever.

Sue then takes her struggle online with incoherent blogs and YouTube videos declaring her love for the sheik and how all of these people--famous and not--are conspiring to keep them apart. She leaves the bulk of LNJ's care and upbringing to her parents while she defends her imaginary affair with Arab royalty. Her father is racist in the way that old Italian men are and nicknamed LNJ "eggplant" and LNJ develops some behavioral problems of his own. Sue's mother tried to get her daughter and grandson some help but is fought at every turn by Sue who sees her as part of the conspiracy. She instead rages online against her mother, Hilton, her high school friends, and one of Oscar de la Hoya's baby mamas for "stealing her life".

Surprise, surprise--she's now on the wrong end of a couple more restraining orders from a local woman and de la Hoya's ex after they had enough of her accusations and harassment. The local 911 operators have also banned her from calling--except for an extreme, true and honest emergency--after multiple daily calls reporting what Sue sees as "online harassment" from different opposed parties. She's racking up charges and lawsuits left and right, so she buys a one way ticket to Dubai and skips court. The Detroit police catch and arrest her at the airport, then Sue is returned home and serves a short sentence in county jail with house arrest for the other half. Sue gets right back online at home and rages some more, except now she's married to the sheik and they are due to have their wedding soon (?).

After she stalks another local woman "keeping (them) apart", that woman's boyfriend, and de la Hoya's ex again, she is sentenced to the local psych hospital and goes through a couple stays. The third round of treatment has seemed to stick; she's currently on probation at home with her treatment participation and improvement being factors in her most recent sentence. Her crazy blogs and videos haven't been updated in the last year and a half, so I consider that a good sign.

That's a hell of a story. How would one go about getting the movie rights? I wouldn't want to make it, only to find myself on the wrong end of a lawsueit.
 
Wellllp....I got another story of someone in my school. This time we have a boy who is a walking 4chan reject. Instead of, ya know, actually trying to learn something, he spends his days spewing out useless information that nobody will ever need and insists that college is a complete waste of time and is not needed on the road to success (While not going to college is one thing, this is coming from a stoner who has repeated Junior year twice, spends his days browsing 4chan and porn, and still INSISTS he's a genius).

Oh, and the guy LOVES internet culture. To the point where he yells out memes while the entire class is left wondering if he'll ever shut up. He's also got tacky t-shirts of lousy internet jokes and other pop-culture references (like a Charles Darwin/Che Guevara crossover saying, "VIVA LA EVOLUCION"). He frequently visits 4chan and r/atheism so of course he's also an asshole to Christians in the school.

Also, remember that whole controversy with Edward Snowden and the NSA? Remember how it was a year ago? Well he still talks about it like the end of the world, always going on about how the "NSA is watching us" and basically pretending to be a hardcore anarchist against the government.

And finally, the guy is just a total asshole. He has no sense of privacy and it doesn't help he talks loud either. There's a "friend" of his (I use the term loosely because I'm pretty sure she's embarrassed and wants to avoid him) who liked someone. Now, a normal person would help them, keep their secret if they asked, and might occasionally tease them privately. He decides that the best course of action would be to ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE CLASS while shouting, "I SHIP IT, I SHIP IT SO HARD!!"

This guy honestly makes me miss that annoying Minecraft kid. At least with him, I only had to deal with shitty Minecraft/Slender jokes and art. Now I have a guy who thinks that everything in the Internet is socially acceptable in the real world
Many months later, I'm ready to give an update on this guy. Has anything changed? SPOILERS: He's still an asshole. We're gonna call him "Jeff" for now because I'm getting sick of using pronouns

I mentioned how he chooses not to learn anything taught. Well, it's no surprise Jeff puts no effort into anything he does either. Last month, we had to do a project and present them to the class. The it was set up was that 2 people are presenting their subjects against each other and the class votes on who did a better job, like brackets. CAN YOU GUESS WHO I WAS PUT UP AGAINST? Not like it was hard to win, Jeff publicly admitted to the class that he made the entire project that morning, and it showed considering he was laughing and stuttering throughout his whole speech. Another thing Jeff likes to do is that if he forgets to do a paper, what he'll do is print out the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody and hand that in (Okay honestly, that actually is pretty funny, I'll give him credit for that).

I also was able to find many opinions about him from his friends. By that I mean they fucking hate him. One friend I talked to mentioned the only reason he hangs out with him is because, and I quote, "I made the mistake of sitting next to some hippie on the bus and I haven't been able to get away from him since". Others like that girl I mentioned they've gotten used to his bullshit because they have nobody else to talk to. His ex-girlfriend even gave her opinion, by that I mean she couldn't stand the way he constantly talked about women and the last straw was when he called her a cum dumpster.....yeah, he actually said that.

As for the teachers he has, he's not very popular. I have 2 classes with him so I get to see first hand how done these teachers are with him. My science teacher can't stand him at all, and basically shuts him down before he even has a chance to speak and kicks him out a lot. Like this one time where he was caught reading a magazine instead of paying attention then tried to justify it by saying how pointless the class is anyway. My history teacher is one of the best trolls I've ever seen, and enjoys watching him act like a sperg. Usually when he needs a volunteer for something stupid, he tends to pick him. He plays songs at the end of the period and encourages him to sing along. One time he was showing us how to dance the Charleston and encouraged Jeff to come up and try it. I have it recorded, I'm pretty sure the teacher saw me too, but did not care.

And now for his humor. Besides all the stuff I said in the first post, his favorite word in the world is "communist". Anything you do and he wants to make a joke out of it, he'll just call you a commie. Even if it's not relevant at all to Communism, you could be talking about chairs and he'll find a way to call you a commie

As for his attire, the good news is that he no longer wears those stupid pop-culture shirts (at least very rarely). What he does now is try to dress formal. There are many problems to this such as: 1. While he's dressing formal, his skin has a greasy shine to it and doesn't take care his ridiculous long hair. 2. The shirts he wears are way too big for him. If he doesn't tuck them in, they very often reach to his knees. 3. He doesn't wear an undershirt. Not really a problem if his shirt's dark, but if it isn't, you can very clearly see his very underweight body. And it's really gross

So that's all the new stuff I have to say. Well, there is that he's been gone from school for 3 days in a row. I thought he was sick or something but I talked to the friend that called him a hippie, he said Jeff just keeps oversleeping because he stays up until 5 in the morning. He can take his time for all I care.

EDIT: Oh I forgot to mention something else. The friend that called him a hippie told me about Jeff's job. He works at a PC repair shop about 10 minutes from where I live. He's also working there illegally so he doesn't pay taxes. The repair shop was terrible to begin with but now I have another reason to avoid the place
 
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@Oglooger an @Wolfenmaus because you mentioned bonfire night I am guessing your both from the UK, did this sorry fuck move to Liverpool? There is a family who have moved in round the corner from my folks with a teen who fit's the description.
 
@Oglooger an @Wolfenmaus because you mentioned bonfire night I am guessing your both from the UK, did this sorry fuck move to Liverpool? There is a family who have moved in round the corner from my folks with a teen who fit's the description.

We're Texans.
Grease lives in Arlington now, last time we checked.
 
@Oglooger an @Wolfenmaus because you mentioned bonfire night I am guessing your both from the UK, did this sorry fuck move to Liverpool? There is a family who have moved in round the corner from my folks with a teen who fit's the description.
Trust me, if he moved to the UK, he would be immediately lynched for indecency. He has a very loose grasp of foreign cultures.
 
One small thing I remember about Grease is when he would try to play video games with us.
He would say that he used to be pro in Melee, but because he didn't play for so long, we constantly mopped the floor with him, even when we went easy on him. His excuse was that he sucks because brawl plays different (which is bullshit because anyone who is good in Melee would be a lot better in brawl).
We eventually got my old copy of Melee and decided to see if he was telling the truth. but suprise, he didn't understand simple mechanics like dodging and up+b recoveries.
He raged quit when I showed him that Marth CAN dodge like every other character and that he just sucks at the game.

I don't know if I should stop, but we really have alot to say about grease and his weird adventures.


Grease one day convinced me to reinstall Skyrim.
I did and he offered to mod ir for me.
he added some nice stuff like an ENB and armor. but he also installed some nude mods, a shitty sex mod and alot of lore breaking mods like Predator NPCs. (being a lorefag, I'm sensitive to such things and I told him not to install stuff that it not "lore friendly").
he justified the predator mods by saying that "the mod has books that say the predators come from a distant planet and crash landed in Tamriel.
For those who don't know, the TES universe takes place in it's own self contained finite universe that is really the metaphysical dream of the godhead.
the only things that exist are Nirn and the realms of Oblivion.
During his Skyrim playthroughs, he became a Darkbrotherhood Vampire thieves guild guy.
once he became a vampire lord. he just activated god mode saying that "vampire lords are immortal, so let's ruin the fun by cheating.
He was also the edgelord that would kill random NPCs for fun and just disrupting Tamriel.

Eventually he broke the game with his shitty sex mod and I had to do a clean reinstall after I kicked him out of the house.
 
We don't. They were referring to just having a party outside around a big-ass fire. It's something people do sometimes.

Sorry I only know Bonf fires from the 5th of November. I know it french it means good fire. But the nomenclature is something I only know as British.
 
That's a hell of a story. How would one go about getting the movie rights? I wouldn't want to make it, only to find myself on the wrong end of a lawsueit.

She's pretty much spent the patience of the local courts, so you'd at least be safe from Sue taking you to court (in her home town, anyway) About the worst you could expect is unmedicated raeg blogging and vlogging. But as of last month, she's apparently stabilizing and doesn't go online (at least not on her old blogs and social media). Good for her, and I hope she and her son are doing well.

That said, I guess you could write a screenplay or story inspired by her as long as details were tweaked a bit. It'd suck for a lot of people if she saw it and fell back into old problems.
 
Oh, dear god do I have one hell of a lolcow. About the only reason I'm not giving him his own thread is that he's pretty much unknown outside of me and my group of friends (as far as I know. Maybe some other people have heard of him)

So around town when I would take my 3DS out, I noticed I was streetpassing this one particular guy a lot. He was dressed up in communist-ish uniforms and played a lot of Animal Crossing. One day I visited his AC town via the Dream Suite and found batshit insanity. Communist imagery everywhere, the streets paved with pictures of Whitney. All his clothing and custom patterns had Whitney on them if they didn't have a hammer and sickle.

So I thought, "what the fuck" and decided to google his character's name.

And found his dA page.

Inside is his insane political beliefs and constant posting about how various buildings around town were secret Nazi hideouts. He takes pictures of random, harmless people and calls them "agents of capitalism". And of course, he considers Whitney his girlfriend and "the mother of his children."

Finally I managed to catch him posting on dA at the local library, and he looks just as crazy in real life. He has a ratty old jacket that he's sewn fake medals and communist shit onto.

He also had a Tumblr where he implies he's been "trolled" before, so maybe there is enough material for him to get his own thread, but I have yet to find it.
 
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