Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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@TheImportantFart @CWCissey

Rufus Wars: Behind the Scenes Special.

I guess that Rufus may have got the idea of a Death Star Star Destroyer from this piece of fanart found on Artstation:

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I thought it was something he came up with himself, but it’s entirely possible. The rest of those scripts were plagiarised from a multitude of sources, so I’d actually be surprised if there was something original in there.
 
oh btw here's his magnificent chimpout on the second account he snuck back in on, after being banned from my server

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meanwhile his damning, shocking, life-ending screenshots he's been gathering...are these

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This is fucking comedy gold and I can't get over it sorry :story:
 
Theres this gal i know, shes a full on female version of the typical weeb neckbeard. She believes she's a magical girl and angel, is only attracted to anime girls and hates female characters that are adored by fans (an example: she said she hates Marnie and Lilie from pokemon because theyre cuter than her and the fandom loves them). Is disabled and spends all of her disability check on video games on steam and anime figures. That's about it for now
 
I just found old photos from a good ol personal lolcow when i was in college back in 2009.
He was my neighbor ( i lived in a student apartment complex) from what i remember he was in some special needs program (he has assburgers) and lived with some other autistic fool who was a lolcow in his own right too (sometimes they would fight and yell at eachother outside in the recreational area, it was golden).
He was from Dubai. From what people that knew him closely told me is that he's pretty much a bastard son and dead to his father and that his brother (who owns part of United Emirates Airlines and some big ass hotel in Dubai, he's an oil prince like the rest of his family, Im pretty sure he's a bastard/unrecognized Al-Falasi) felt petty for him, so he sent him to CA (Redlands) so he could develop independent adult life skills and go to college, shit like that.
One day i saw him cross dressing making a fool out of himself in a parking lot , he would yell out loud "is okay im gay!" (he wasn't really a homo, but he said and did that shit because he knew it could get him killed in Dubai and that people reacting in confusion or ignoring him in America was an alien/liberating experience to him). He was also obsessed with women footware/foot fetish.
He told me once his brother or father have a personal harem. And I remember the day after Osama Bin Laden's death he was telling everyone "ohh im sad my uncle just passed away";)
 

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My personal lolcow is a tard with ADHD who I briefly worked with at a tard factory, then copies me by going back to college.

Enter Tardette. I knew her from riding the bus in late elementary school , and she was a Walmartian when I worked there.

I got fired from Walmart. I am so bored being unemployed. With unemployment insurance. they basically want you to take any job or goodbye benefits. I was so desperate for work that I applied at a local job not knowing it was the local tard factory. I take the job. I did not work with Tardette until all shifts combine. Tardette found me on Facebook, added me, and refused to STFU whenever I logged on, so no more Facebook for me.Tardette has the personality and conversation skills of a NPC townsperson in an RPG. Not only do her social skills suck, but she sounds like she inhales helium and laughs at everything.. Me being fed up working at a tard factory applies to the local community college, Tardette wants to too.

Tardette being a hypersexual tard like our favorite female lolcow gets terminated for dating the manager. The office manager went out on a couple outings like a movie and dinner with Tardette. Tardette thinks they are just friends, I think this is completely ethically wrong. After her termination work makes her she a psychologist. I get a break from Tardette until second year of college. Oh yeah in this period she gets a job at a daycare then gets laid off. Since when do daycare s lay off?

She takes up culinary. Hallelujah the angels are singing. She is more obnoxious than a crack monkey ODing on crack, meth, and caffeine at the same time. You can hear the little bitch laugh in the cafeteria since it is the only place close enough to study and work on homework before and after class. Her classmates hate her, and she gets bullied. They only let Tardette bake cookies and make salad. Before I left for my internship, she needed help assembling motherfucking burgers. The two culinary aids were always with her and never left her alone.

Enter Spring semester. I am off to my internship gaining the skills I need for my real job instead of theory and book knowledge. Enter Tardette again. She barely passed fall semester with C’s. Now, Spring semester grades, she fucking failed computer applications and got a D in a culinary class. Tardette bitches and moans that she did nothing to nobody, so why would they put her on academic probation? I told her she needs to make up those classes, and that you need a minimum 2.0 GPA to graduate college. After I told her this, she refused to take my advice by repeating those classes. It’s all in the student handbook online.

Her study habits are deplorable. She hangs out at Walmart all the time after school, never studies while waiting for the bus, or watches YouTube videos about culinary skills. On top of that, her time management skills suck donkey balls. Example she will take the bus home from college, then call the buss again to shuffle her re-tarded ass to the gym which is a block away from the motherfucking school. I told Tardette that the school has a gym, and that she can keep her gym clothes in a motherfucking locker. She doesn’t listen. I gave the little tard advice on how to succeed in college, but she would rather pretend she is in the sped classes again and not real college.She hates how the straight A students pick on her. Tardette wants me be a sous chef, and tells me that after she graduates from culinary she will go back to college for gen ed classes. I asked why. Her response I don’t know which is her answer to everything.

Take two August. Tardette had an appointment with her advisor. Advisor didn’t mention anything about repeating classes or GPA but about a tutor. Tardette will have a rude awakening when she cannot graduate. The classes this year will be even harder yet. Will Tardette make it to Spring semester? Is a ethical to give a sub-70 IQ person student loan debt?

Random thought. Tardette collects tugboat for ADHD. She can only work part time. Won’t a chef’s salary if I am super duper :optimistic: cut her tugboat off?

Update. The semester is not even over yet, and Tardette was withdrawn from her classes because of low GPA. She has another meeting with her counselor next week. She told me how wonderful she was doing this semester. She is hopeful that they would let her back during the spring semester. Proof that the Dunning-Kruger effect is funny and real. :story: Up next in the Tardette saga, wait I never took out student loans and they keep calling me. Also, can’t find a job because not even the tard factory wants my re-tarded ass back.

Edit: She. Failed. Every. Single. One. Of. Her. Classes. This. Semester.
 
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Big Red.

He was a neighborhood haunt with the usual asperger's/autism tango. Built like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. He had, on multiple occasions, produced variable lengths of rope to tie kids to trees with. He had been seen carrying anything from walking canes to a big ass golf club. If he could swing it around, he owned it. Also everywhere was a wrestling wring and everyone needed a tombstone piledriver. We stood up to him eventually as a group of 5th graders and bombed his ass with rock laced snowballs. After a while asked us to stop, said he was proud of us, and invited us over to get free porn off his Xerox copier. He was pretty friendly after that and would randomly give us porn he printed out. I think he ended up in the military somehow but went AWOL. Haven't seen him since.

I have another but man its fucked.
 
another one involving Autistic Accountant (or as I've now dubbed him, Rocket Man, since he has habit of compulsively dashing to the door and back as if he has a rocket up his arse)
previous | previouser

when I went into work this morning I nearly tripped over him, as he was sat on the floor in front of the main door to the unit

there was something very odd about that, and sure enough, soon we could hear him making noises; he was quite literally bawling, had to be dragged upright (he had apparently lost the ability to stand up of his own accord), and taken to the break room to calm down

the reason? he'd tripped on the pavement on the way into work, and his umbrella and lunchbox had gone flying, and both had been damaged; to him, this was a total disaster

when a colleague reassured him "could have been a lot worse, you could have hit your head" his reaction was "maybe that would have been for the best"

he was given a task on the shop floor to take his mind off it, and settled down over the course of the day, but he spent the whole day under a funk; when he left, six hours later, he was still morose, whinging about it raining outside, yet not accepting the spare brolly offered to him, and when he talked about having 'emotional scars' from the fall that morning it took all my self-control not to laugh or show a visible reaction

he is the textbook definition of the term 'manchild'
 
On a video game forum I was on some Turkish poster call Siyah Beyaz would ask pointless and irrelevant questions that only a Autistic person would post. His questions usually involved about japanese video games and anime and how it was never released in Turkey and everyone would get annoyed and make fun of him till he got banned.

I remembered him because another forum was talking about him and someon posted his Yahoo Questions account with amusing questions of why gets banned from online forums. If people want to read his questions of a autistic madman go ahead.

 
Update. The semester is not even over yet, and Tardette was withdrawn from her classes because of low GPA. She has another meeting with her counselor next week. She told me how wonderful she was doing this semester. She is hopeful that they would let her back during the spring semester. Proof that the Dunning-Kruger effect is funny and real. :story: Up next in the Tardette saga, wait I never took out student loans and they keep calling me. Also, can’t find a job because not even the tard factory wants my re-tarded ass back.

Edit: She. Failed. Every. Single. One. Of. Her. Classes. This. Semester.

Breaking news. Tards get special privileges and treatment. Failing an entire semester still gets you a degree and not having to repeat classes like normal above room temp IQ humans. Tardette will graduate this Spring. Up next nobody would hire an immature 5 year old with straight F’s the final year.

Edit: People are working their keisters off to make a 3.8 GPA, yet a tard who goofs around and earns a 1.25 GPA gets the same degree. This is what’s wrong with America.

Edit 2: Rules don’t apply to tards.
 
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Several months back, an iFunny user made a bot that could be used in chats. This bot had several functions, including a command that would reveal the alt accounts of a user. Over a year ago, the iFunny devs rolled out an anti-harassment measure. Every time you signed into a device, the app would remember the device. Therefore, all accounts you make on said device register as one account to the system. This is where the "block all users" function comes in. Instead of being used as it was intended, it became an exposing tool. Both of these functions remained dormant until about a month or two ago, when someone used the alt finder on a notorious user

ConservativeGirl has always been a sort of private lolcow, completely oblivious to the fact that most of her 10,000 subscribers are only there to laugh at her narcissistic ramblings and atrocious hot takes. She claims to be a devout Christian as well. One day, someone discovers the bot and uses it. Two other accounts pop up: rape_rp_sub and sub_rape_rp. Connect the dots

I did not save the famous image of her shoving a hairbrush up her pussy because I'm only 90% sure she's 18 and I can't confirm the toe-sucking picture is actually her boyfriend. She was also not the only target

This also happened to TBestIG, who got exposed for drawing/commissioning/jacking it to otter porn
 

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For some reason I am still participating in a Facebookgroup for (wannabe) authors. Their behaviour is... interesting. Someone claims that Hollywood stole his story and another one raged extremely hard about a funny posting about atheism and challenged the whole group to debate him on that before going on a rant and lecturing everybody about morale and religion
 
My personal lolcow is a guy I roomed with in college. At the time, he worked on oil rigs and was out of town 80% of the time, but just needed a place to lay his head during time off and store his stuff. The arrangement suited the other roommates and I just fine since he still insisted on paying his quarter of the bills.

Almost immediately, we noticed that this guy made some... odd claims. Like that he was kicked out of a gang one province over and they wanted him dead, he used to make meth, etc. We knew this was all bullshit since we'd gone to high school with him and he was kicked out of chemistry for being what the teacher called "dangerously moronic). He was forced into taking remedial biology instead and didn't even get to dissect a frog. He also asked very loudly in English classes if the book/poem/play we were studying was about being gay until THAT teacher told him that asking that question over and over just made him look gay himself.

Anyway, back to college. We often had to force this man to shower. If we didn't, he actually never would. He explained that his natural scent attracted the laaaadies. I told him that as a lady, it did not. He decided I was gay, which actually made the whole rooming situation easier since he tried to hit on anyone vaguely female he thought would have him.

He slowly got into Illuminati conspiracy theories and sperged about them hard. If you told him you weren't interested or wanted to change the topic, he would chimp out and throw various small projectiles, slam his door, and pout. We did this often as it would mean we didn't have to hang out with him that night.

The last straw was when he set another roommate's area rug on fire in the living room because he wanted to test if it was flame resistant. The rug gave no indication that it would be fire resistant. In fact it was a polyester fur monstrosity. We told him he had to move out.

Since then, our special boy has developed a theory that people shouldn't keep pets as all animals should be wild. He set his parents' chickens free and they kicked him out. Adding onto that, he believes that all animals fall in love, marry, and are monogamous. This is especially funny since he grew up on a farm.

Now he's a soundcloud rapper. Did you know that rap can bet off key? I do now.
 
My personal lolcow is a guy I roomed with in college. At the time, he worked on oil rigs and was out of town 80% of the time, but just needed a place to lay his head during time off and store his stuff. The arrangement suited the other roommates and I just fine since he still insisted on paying his quarter of the bills.

Almost immediately, we noticed that this guy made some... odd claims. Like that he was kicked out of a gang one province over and they wanted him dead, he used to make meth, etc. We knew this was all bullshit since we'd gone to high school with him and he was kicked out of chemistry for being what the teacher called "dangerously moronic). He was forced into taking remedial biology instead and didn't even get to dissect a frog. He also asked very loudly in English classes if the book/poem/play we were studying was about being gay until THAT teacher told him that asking that question over and over just made him look gay himself.

Anyway, back to college. We often had to force this man to shower. If we didn't, he actually never would. He explained that his natural scent attracted the laaaadies. I told him that as a lady, it did not. He decided I was gay, which actually made the whole rooming situation easier since he tried to hit on anyone vaguely female he thought would have him.

He slowly got into Illuminati conspiracy theories and sperged about them hard. If you told him you weren't interested or wanted to change the topic, he would chimp out and throw various small projectiles, slam his door, and pout. We did this often as it would mean we didn't have to hang out with him that night.

The last straw was when he set another roommate's area rug on fire in the living room because he wanted to test if it was flame resistant. The rug gave no indication that it would be fire resistant. In fact it was a polyester fur monstrosity. We told him he had to move out.

Since then, our special boy has developed a theory that people shouldn't keep pets as all animals should be wild. He set his parents' chickens free and they kicked him out. Adding onto that, he believes that all animals fall in love, marry, and are monogamous. This is especially funny since he grew up on a farm.

Now he's a soundcloud rapper. Did you know that rap can bet off key? I do now.
I'm surprised he was able to work on an Oil Rig at all given how hideously dangerous they can be to its workers. Especially the old ones out in the sticks that haven't been completely modernized.
 
I'm surprised he was able to work on an Oil Rig at all given how hideously dangerous they can be to its workers. Especially the old ones out in the sticks that haven't been completely modernized.

Most of us were surprised about that, but we know he lived in communal housing with some old roughnecks. From what I could tell, the other guys put him in line in a way we didn't care enough to. He wasn't with the rigs very long after we kicked him out.
 
So to what @Lampey said a few months ago. Arcine and his alts on Gamefaqs are really idiotic. They all have the same exact typing and like an autistic game such as Project X Zone.

From one of his many alt posts...



A "petition" to remove a Pokemon he dislikes from Sword/Shield.


"SWORD AND SHIELD BORE ME!"


Generic Smash BS

I heard this guy is in his 30s or so. Who painted a person as the bad guy, because they don't like their shitty crossover game. He believes a Project X Zone 3 is being made at the moment, then said they aren't. Which is it?
 
Friends, in the spirit of the Holiday season, I think it's about time that I share with you my own family lolcow. My grandmother who I love very much seperated from my grandfather many years ago (and he went on to marry and absolute nutbar of a woman, just look at one of my oldest posts in this thread) and married a man I'll call Fat Bastard. Absolutly fucking nobody in the entire family likes Fat Bastard and I'm not sure how they ended up together but it happened and now we're stuck with this leech until he chokes to death on an ice cream bar.

Fat Bastard is a NEET. Not retired, not out of work due to injury, just straight fucking unemployed becasue he thinks he's too good for any job around. He is around 60 and has been unemployed for most of my 26 years of life. The employment that he's had remains shrouded in various levels of vaguery and no one really cares enough about him to ask. He has some kind of engineering degree from the local uni, and at one point he was a head honcho at a local plant of some sort. Or so he claimed. Somewhat recently my uncle had a conversation with someone who worked at the same plant and when Fat Bastard's name came up, the gentleman remarked that he knew him and worked on the assembly line with him. The assembly line. My family isn't the sort to judge you based on your job, so to us there is no shame in being an assembly line guy. It's silly to even think of it as shameful. But Fat Bastard saw the job as humiliating drudgery and instead chose to lie to his family that he was a company big-shot.

He left that job or got fired or something vague, and my uncle got him a job at a grocery store which lasted a short amount of time becasue of the whole "being a hateable bastard" thing. That job must have been a crushing blow to his ego, as he loved telling my uncle how he'd never amount to anything and would be stuck working at a grocery store for the rest of his life. Well FB got fired from one while my uncle is currently an assistant store manager of one. After this, FB spent some time looking for a job but not really as he is clearly far too good to be flipping burgers or stocking shelves. Many years went by and he finally did find a position about 2 hours away. That's one hell of a commute to do daily, so he ended up getting a little apartment nearby and coming home to our area on the weekends. No one has a single idea what his job was, I don't think Grandma even knows. It was some vague engineering "project" that lasted maybe two or three years before the "job ended". Some people might think that with a arrangment like that he might have had an affair going on, but I can assure you that this man is pretty repulsive-looking and possesses no redeeming qualities.
That was several years ago and now I don't think he's even looking for a job anymore, he's living off of my Grandma's social security and handouts from my great-grandpa. Grandma herself no longer works due to a bad workplace injury and her boss being a fucking tool about it, so the last thing she needs is this big manbaby spending her retirement fund on stupid boomer gadgets and junk food. Speaking of junk food-

Alright, I'll admit he's actually not "fat" anymore so the nickname is outdated. But he used to be fat and he's still a bastard. About 13 years ago, El Bastardo Gordo underwent a gastric bypass to un-fat himself. Unfortunatly he did not die on the table, but at least my grandma didn't have to end up going through with the lawsuit he had planned in the event that he did. We got to hear plenty of stories of how he was now explosievly shitting everywhere which I'm starting to think isn't actually a common side effect of the surgery. He did end up losing weight but he looks fucking terrible. He never was that tolerable looking but after the surgery the strain of recovery must have hit him like a dump truck. You'd think he was about ten years older than my grandma, who is actually ten years older that him. While he never piled all the weight back on, his snacking habit has added some poundage in a very unfortunate way. He's ended up with this really weird bowling-pin type physique. He also:

-can no longer eat large amounts of salad and avoids leafy greens becasue it triggers his "massive explosive shit" problem. It has nothing to do with the multiple kinds of ice cream bars, candies, chocolates, pop tarts, cookies, and diet soda that he keep in the house. It is very clearly salad. One year at a family gathering he made the mistake of eating salad along with his big serving of mashed potatoes, steak, ham, rolls, ice cream, pie, cookies, and more than enough appitizers for 4 people, and on the way home got hit with the oncoming thundershits and made my grandma stop at the fuckin' casino so he could evacuate all that pesky salad. And you know, while they're there, might as well play the slots right?
(this might have also been the year he had a McDonald's coupon on him and got a McMuffin on the way over but I'm sure that it was also totally unrelated. It was clearly that salad. )

-still acts like an invalid 13 years after the procedure. He lives in his living room chair with his massive TV facing him and his laptop set up on his hospital-style tray table thing so he can do his boomer Facebooking while watching garbage TV. Grandma brings him food that he proceeds to eat in his chair. This Christmas Eve Grandma had to ask him 3 times to come help her with the ham carving becasue he was too busy languishing in his chair talking my dad's ear off about how Jabba the Hutt could have raped Princess Leia and impregnated her thus explaining Rey's parentage. He didn't come help until after I had already attempted to do it myself. Motherfucker sleeps in the chair becasue he insists that the surgery made it hard for him to lie down. As it turns out, spending hours of your life sitting is really bad for you. Specifically your asshole. A few years ago he had to get polyps removed from his rectum which is hilarious and everyone in the family wanted to hear about his asshole surgery. Becasue he's an asshole.

-his body's metabolism has transmutated itself into such a configuration that he metabolizes alcohol in a different way or something, and for that reason breathalyzers show him as being drunk when he's not actually drunk, which leads us to....


He got a DUI. He says he didn't. There is nothing he can possibly say to change that fact despite his best efforts to claim it wasn't a DUI and that there was some nefarious work going on. He and grandma went wine tasting and on the ride home somehow got involved in a bizarre car chase that he claimed involved (depending on when he told the story) a truck being chased by Fish and Wildlife plus three police cars, or three police cars chasing after Fish and Wildlife. He claimed that he joined in on the chase for some godforsaken reason and the police pulled him over and acted "suspiciously" as they asked him what the fuck kind of mongo he was. This man drives like a maniac on a regular day so I don't imagine drunk-civilian-car-chase Fat Bastard is much better. He was a bastard to the cops I assume, so they ordered a breathalyzer and becasue of the magical alcohol metabolizing anomaly that he possesses now he registered as being under the influence when he was totally not, you guys. Basically he got arrested and taken in but it wasn't a DUI, just something that sounds exactly like a fuckin' DUI. FB doesn't know this, but one of my relatives has had a DUI in the past. Upon hearing Bastard's account of being processed at the station he could confirm that yes, it was a goddamn DUI.

Fat Bastard has some pretty spergy behaviors not in the "holy shit sonic the hedgehog is great" sense, but in the "I posess no social grace whatsoever, please listen to me cackle about how my father died in my arms" sense, or the "flip flops are a totally appropriate thing to wear to the store despite my webbed feet and conjoined toe." sense. Yes, you read that right. He's got webbed fucking feet and a conjoined toe on each foot. His feet have the Innsmouth look. Hell, his face is pretty Innsmouth too. If you ever see a fish-man walking around wearing a Big Dogs shirt talking about his great Groupon deals, then congratulations, you probably just saw Fat Bastard.

But point is, this guy is clueless to what a tool he sounds like and acts like. It doesn't help that he's one of those people that says "You Know" as a filler word, and he does so every few words. He is beyond grating to listen to. He posesses nothing that would resemble empathy or awareness. This man once spent Christmas Eve dinner talking about how in high school he had to wrestle a kid whose whole body had a ton of oozy zits that he was popping before the match, and how another time he and a buddy got really loaded on vodka and someone got vomited on during a match. (To be fair, that was the year I brought over a cherry jello salad specifically becasue I know he hates cherry and I was trying to make him look like a dick for not eating any. That might have been my karma.)

We had one terrible Christmas where my Uncle's psycho ex-girlfriend was attempting to #MeToo him on Facebook and he was trying to do damage control for several days (thankfully everyone thought she was nuts, so he came out unscathed) and Fat Bastard thought it would be really helpful to compare that to when he fell for some phishing scam and "they got into his Google and it was displaying it in Korean". That started a dreadful row and my Uncle hasn't gone to their house for Christmas eve ever since. The year after the incident we didn't do Christmas eve there at all, and it was looking like Fat Bastard straight up ruined Christmas forever.

He's fully convinced he's a well liked member of a family that hates him and laughs at him from literally behind his back. He has this stupid photography hobby where he takes candid pictures of the family at gatherings and then we never see the photos again. Each year he will wrangle us into a group photo that we will never once see and we joke about that while it's happening. He has hundreds if not thousands of photos saved away and it's borderline creepy. (He once showed us a scrapbook of photos he took at some women's vollyball event, which was all-the-way creepy.)

I should also mention that Bastard is someting of a hoarder. Not in the horrifically disgusting piles of garbage everywhere way, but he buys huge amounts of things from Costco that he really doesn't need. His stuff invades every space in the house. The kitchen table is covered, the bar usually covered and my grandma has to ask him to move his crap if I come over to make cookies. The guest bedroom is packed with shit, can't hardly even see that it used to be my mom's room. Some of her toys, my uncles toys, and my own are all hiding in there somewhere but they've become buried under the growing hoard of Fat Bastard.
I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting, but I've written quite the novel already.

*edit* What an absolute fool I am to not remember the time he essentially threw a silent tantrum in a steakhouse. Grandpa K and a few other relatives came down to visit and we went to this great steakhouse and Fat Bastard was pissy because he wanted to eat at the Italian place (also great) that he married Grandma at. He read a newspaper at the table and sent his delicious looking, most likely very tender and well-prepared pork chop back for being allegedly so tough he couldn't cut through it. The owner himself came to apologise and FB just waved him away like a bothersome fly. If I had more nerve back then I'd have informed the owner that MY food was perfect and the service was lovely and how it's such a treat to be there. The whole family was mortified by him.
 
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Found one on a Facebook group. Girl is fucking insane, but this has been an entertaining read.

She posts constantly to the group about her dating app blunders and expects people to rush to her side in the comments, getting bitchy if not immediately worshipped.

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She's 34 years old and hasn't matured past fourteen mentally. Crazy stuff.
 
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