All right, faggots. We're travelling far back, now.
So recently I was cleaning my apartment when I came upon a dusty shoebox in one of my packing crates. Most of these I tend to ignore as they have worthless shit from when I was going to and from my old home and getting settled in my new one.
But in this box, I found a bunch of old shit. Amidst nostalgic shit and myriad side-project crap, I found a few goodies: a bag of dice, a few bottles of "Health Potion" energy drink, and a curious unmarked CD. So I shoved it in my PC and decided to see what was so important that I left it in a jewel case marked "FUCKING IMPORTANT!"
Apparently, that was an old copy of
Dune 2: Building of a Dynasty.
"Oh fuck," I thought to myself.
"There's a moldy oldie from my childhood I'm all nostalgic over."
For the uninitiated, Dune 2 was the first decent Real-Time Strategy game. It was made by Westwood Studios (who later made Command & Conquer) and it features many of the same elements. You choose one of three houses: The Atriedes (Blue, Good Guys), Harkonnen (Red, Cartoonishly Evil), or Ordos (Green, Neutral Cartel of Assholes) and fight to be the last one standing as the Emperor tries to play all three factions off one another to ensure he remains the king of fuck. The game got a fucking awesome remake in 2000 (Dune 2000) that is basically the same premise but with a really good modern spin and fantastic graphics. But that's almost a decade off so fuck that we're going in dry.
One big problem this game has is that this existed before proper HUDs, proper unit selection methodologies, and only had basic hotkeys. You can't select groups of units - just one at a time. This is exactly as tedious as it seems. If you can look past it though you have a
fucking great game here.
So I booted the game up, debugged the shit out of Dosbox, figured out how to change the language settings from French to English, and proceeded onwards. I've always been an Ordos player, but this is the path of the diehard - the other factions are way easier for a number of reasons but nothing makes it clear like stage five, or as I call it, the Map from Hell.
See, the Green Faction in the game focuses more on sabotage and subversion rather than full-on force, and one downside to this is that they don't get the game's artillery unit, the Missile Tank, until a full map later when you can just order the things via the Starport (this building is critical for the Ordos and so-so for everyone else). So on this one map, while the comp has Missile Tanks and will use them with reckless efficiency, you have no such luck. These things will wreck most unfortified structures in like three hits and can punch gaping wounds in most medium armor - like the stuff you have available to you now, really.
But that's not stopping some old asshole like me.
So what I did was flood the base with my dead. You can only have so many units at a time, so I maxed the supply limit on Combat Tanks and sent them in giant groups to their twisted mangled deaths to rampage over the Harkonnens (Red). And
those are supposed to be the bad guys.
In an hour-long siege, the forces of Green ultimately managed to overwhelm and destroy the Red team after about 4 waves of 20+ Combat Tanks.
Results speak for themselves. At this point, my Mentat, Ammon, chimes in to remind me of why I play this faction: