Polyamory General - Polyamory drama from Facebook, Reddit, and more

  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account
Wallace said:
Poly people are really, really adverse to anything that could be construed as drama. It is far preferable to keep up the illusion of everything running smoothly and everyone in the poly club being best friends with everyone else. They want to believe that poly is a perfect haven of consent and communication, so any negative feelings get swallowed to preserve the intragroup harmony. Feelings of jealousy, resentment, abandonment, etc. all need to be suppressed, or else you're just causing conflict and betraying the implied agreement in the group to all be chill. In the long run, this works out about as well as you'd expect.

See also the Abeline Paradox.
Click to expand...
The thing that Poly people seem to forget is that communication can also mean coming to the conclusion that the relationship isn't working out and needs to end. And that's not a bad thing, that's the adult way of dealing with things. But poly people seem to think that failure in any relationship means that they have failed at their way of life, and they can't seem to handle that idea well.
 
Nekromantik said:
The thing that Poly people seem to forget is that communication can also mean coming to the conclusion that the relationship isn't working out and needs to end. And that's not a bad thing, that's the adult way of dealing with things. But poly people seem to think that failure in any relationship means that they have failed at their way of life, and they can't seem to handle that idea well.
Click to expand...

Well, when your sexual proclivities are not only part of your identity, but the biggest part of your identity, failure at sexual expression becomes failure at life.
 
Vorhtbame said:
To be fair, some of them probably really do believe in this. But there's a problem that's best illustrated by an anecdote about someone similar I once knew.

She did something that put her, and those associated with her, in a very negative light and damaged their reputation. The friends were upset with her, and like a good mutual friend, I tried to explain to her what was wrong. Her position was that what she did wasn't technically wrong, just sort of frowned upon, so it was none of anyone's business and they shouldn't hold it against her friends at least.

I told her that in a perfect world, maybe that was the case, but the world wasn't perfect. People gonna people, I said, and they would stigmatize her and her friends if they wanted to.

Her response: "But they shouldn't." Over. And over. And over. No concession that they would, only that they shouldn't.

She simply could not get past how it should work in a perfect world. She didn't even have the attitude that she would endure the stigma and the consequences out of some obligation to be a reformer/martyr. She simply assumed that because it should work this way, she was free to do what she wanted and consequences wouldn't happen.

It did happen, however. Her friends ended up disavowing her to avoid stigma, and she spent the rest of the time I knew her bitching about how she didn't understand why this had happened, it shouldn't work like this so why did it?

I get the feeling that a lot of the people we see posting their woes in the subreddit don't really understand the difference between should and is. They feel people should be a certain way, so one must assume they are that way, and therefore no harm can come of not taking the usual, common-sense precautions one does in dealing with people as they truly are.
Click to expand...
we all know why this is
autistic.png
and I mean that in seriousness: they think humans are like computers, insert x and you always get y, but humans aren't computers
you can also see this whenever they talk about jealousy
 
What is this, Six Degrees of Kevin Porkin'?

Nah, no, I'm sure every single person in this mess is in a fully loving and committed relationship with everyone else, including the ones who've never met each other.
 
Last edited:
trashbat said:
swinger-in-denial has an ounce of sense; is ashamed
Click to expand...
Cptsd, autism, depression, being an asshole, and being LOW ENERGY. Is buttmad they can’t get more poly action. These people.

The chart itself is more like “hey somebody I fuck fucked somebody else or knows somebody online who fucks other people.” There should be a website to track stuff like this. Maybe call it Eskmo.
 
An Ghost said:
Cptsd, autism, depression, being an asshole, and being LOW ENERGY. Is buttmad they can’t get more poly action. These people.

The chart itself is more like “hey somebody I fuck fucked somebody else or knows somebody online who fucks other people.” There should be a website to track stuff like this. Maybe call it Eskmo.
Click to expand...

More depressingly, the alleged minimum level for entry on the "Map" is "boyfriend" status or higher.
 
My husband is a fetishist
Aka husband was a virgin when they married and claims to be asexual because he loves buttplugs more than his wife.
So I'll get right in to it: I've been married for seven years, and in that time we have never been monogamous. I think part of my reticence to try monogamy at all was that:

  • we married young (both early early 20s) because we were from different countries and it made things easier
  • he was essentially a virgin when we married, but had some strange sexual proclivities (rubber fetishism, collars, buttplugs)
  • we are both bisexual
I really think my husband is an awesome guy and I love who he is as a person. We get along and have similar goals. Over time, however, I've had more and more of a feeling of physical revulsion when he tries to touch me. There are a few reasons for this, but I think I've been a bit of a frog in boiling water, and things have finally boiled over.

  • when we did have sex more often, he always wanted to have "gear" on: whether it's latex clothing, or a collar. When we have had conversations about taking some of this out of the bedroom occasionally, he initially breaks down and agrees, but then it starts to creep back in: with or without my consent.
  • he makes very effeminate sounds during sex and he likes to take a submissive role. I wouldn't mind power playing but the fact that he is always submissive actively turns me off.
  • he has had a number of homosexual encounters and this does not turn me on in any way. When he talks about them it turns me off. Before anyone says "oh he's just gay," I'll correct you and say "he's a fetishist": the gender of his sex partner matters a lot less than the gear.
  • he never really shows interest in my body: he gets excited and has a high sex drive, but doesn't know how to turn me on. If he does engage in foreplay, it's pretty rote and doesn't really show any knowledge of my anatomy or responses. If he is going down on me, it has to be accompanied by some roleplay about him being submissive, or fetish gear
  • he has never said my name, or told me he loved me during sex. To him, sex is something "dirty."
  • I find myself recoiling involuntarily if he tries to kiss my neck or spoon me because I am afraid it will lead to him wanting me to have sex. Often having sex with him has meant things like me putting on a rubber glove and stimulating him anally, which doesn't turn me on at all (in fact it actively turns me off). He gets excited about any kind of sex regardless, but clearly he wants these things.
Over the past three years I've also had a boyfriend, who was a longterm friend before we started dating. The sex with the boyfriend is amazing: we really connect emotionally, he engages in a lot of foreplay and puts my pleasure first. He even gets harder and more excited when I tell him I love him. I'm really invested in having and keeping that kind of sexual connection: after three years it just keeps getting better.

Now I have two main problems:

  1. since I am finally getting the kind of intimate sex I have been desperately craving, I don't have any desire to indulge my husband sexually whatsoever. I find myself recoiling involuntarily if he tries to kiss my neck or spoon me because I am afraid it will lead to him wanting me to have sex. This involuntary response has been growing for a few years and I finally had to tell my husband I no longer want a sexual relationship, and that I might want a divorce.
  2. right now, my boyfriend wants us to be sexually monogamous and eventually get married because our relationship is the most... comprehensive I would say (we have both the emotional and sexual connection). He doesn't mind that I'm married right now and gets along with my husband very well, but in terms of our "public facing" life where we are not "out" as poly, he wants to be my primary partner. Right now, I'd like to be sexuallymonogamous with him as well.
My question to this sub is this:

I love and care about my husband and I want to support him in getting whatever he wants out of life, but I don't want a sexual relationship with him. Is it worth it to stay together in other ways and encourage him to meet people who share his desires? Do I owe him sex in some way? I feel like I've "done my time" so to speak after years without intimacy as I understand it (although it has been intimacy as he understands it). Does anyone have any experience with managing boundaries and a relationship with someone who has staunch fetishistic desires, when you yourself are quite vanilla?

TL;DR: I'm poly and married. I have been Good, Game, and Giving in doing things that don't turn me on for my fetishist husband, but it's made me feel an almost Pavlovian revulsion. How do I help my husband, but also keep my boyfriend -- who gives me the sex I crave -- happy in the long term.
Click to expand...
Some choice comments
Imagine moving every year and having to bring tons of dildos through customs
1C319497-50D4-4091-B637-A731FBBFE718.jpeg

FB3F1F2D-9F40-4191-9DA2-6982F2227537.jpeg

04344314-D6AE-490A-A705-679EB9D37BA9.jpeg


So I lightly googled bipolar disorder and polyamory and go figure, im not the only one who thought there would be overlap. Manic episodes of BPD include increased sex drive and making rash decisions without regard to self as well as huge boosts in energy and mood. Sounds a lot like new partner energy. Depressive episodes give us the lack of motivation and sadness we know and love from the poly sub forum.
 
An Ghost said:
My husband is a fetishist
Aka husband was a virgin when they married and claims to be asexual because he loves buttplugs more than his wife.
View attachment 539705
Click to expand...

this shit is fetishists.txt. he's not asexual, his porn-addled brain doesn't understand anything that's not masturbation anymore. he's satisfied with nothing but his "fetish objects" because he doesn't understand sex as something that bonds two people; his wife's needs are little more than an obstacle to living an onanistic humiliation fantasy

the running theme with these people is their need to MINDKILL the completely correct intuition that they're dealing with incorrigible, sexually broken partners. she can tell the husband sees her as little more than another butt plug, but to acknowledge that would probably be kinkshaming or some shit...so instead of cutting him out of her life immediately, she wants to do the stupidest possible thing and keep the idiot around to "help" him (i.e. convince herself he's actually capable of recognizing her humanity)
 
trashbat said:
this shit is fetishists.txt. he's not asexual, his porn-addled brain doesn't understand anything that's not masturbation anymore. he's satisfied with nothing but his "fetish objects" because he doesn't understand sex as something that bonds two people; his wife's needs are little more than an obstacle to living an onanistic humiliation fantasy

the running theme with these people is their need to MINDKILL the completely correct intuition that they're dealing with incorrigible, sexually broken partners. she can tell the husband sees her as little more than another butt plug, but to acknowledge that would probably be kinkshaming or some shit...so instead of cutting him out of her life immediately, she wants to do the stupidest possible thing and keep the idiot around to "help" him (i.e. convince herself he's actually capable of recognizing her humanity)
Click to expand...
I get the feeling she’s going to leave the husband for the boyfriend and they’ll end up a regular monogamous couple. If they’re poly and he’s requesting monogamy and she’s down for it, they’re not poly they were just in unfulfilling relationships beforehand. I hope she can disconnect from the fetishist and go be with the boyfriend. It’s not disturbing like that one commenter said that the boyfriend assumed they’d get married after she left the husband. They’re discussing being in a committed, monogamous relationship and that usually leads to marriage.

Poly ends up protecting people like the husband because to them she’s being a bad partner by not submitting to his needs and never getting hers fulfilled by her husband. My polyshit friend’s boyfriend was like that. She didn’t find the strength to break away though.
 
Tanner Glass said:
The "mapkeeper"; Jesus Christ. Everytime one of these 37 other gay dudes nails someone new he has to update the pictograph, I imagine he's going to be busy for a while.

EDIT :
View attachment 539700

Oh my god this guy is a gold mine.
https://old.reddit.com/r/soylent/comments/5xur2v/happiness_is_a_drawer_full_of_soylent_at_your_desk/
Click to expand...
oh man we've had this guy on the thread before where he was doing the soyboy face at the dinner table with a bunch of other dudes, including the guy wearing the blue tshirt in this photo. i said blue tshirt guy is too damn old for this. i am getting the impression that gay poly dudes are somewhat more attractive than straight ones, what do y'all think?
 
Tanner Glass said:
The "mapkeeper"; Jesus Christ. Everytime one of these 37 other gay dudes nails someone new he has to update the pictograph, I imagine he's going to be busy for a while.

EDIT :
View attachment 539700

Oh my god this guy is a gold mine.
https://old.reddit.com/r/soylent/comments/5xur2v/happiness_is_a_drawer_full_of_soylent_at_your_desk/
Click to expand...

Bloody hell. Poly soylent devotee sounds like the worst person to try and have a conversation with.

I guess I’m not smart enough to understand how outdated my actualized relationship and human food are.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom