My husband has recently started dating someone, it’s his first real poly relationship, and they fell hard and fast for each other, within two weeks expressed they loved each other. During this time, my husband began breaking promises to me, for moments of quality time etc, it was also expressed that he enjoyed her more in every aspect, and I nearly fell apart.
We are working actively on helping me feel okay and secure again, and they’ve slowed down a bit on time, so instead of the 4 days a week they were seeing each other it’s now 2 as I try to find my footing. His new partner is really nice, we got along great at first, but with these new feelings, I’m struggling. I’ve never felt this level of jealousy for my husband, and I tend to be quite rational and able to simply think through my feelings and move on. Ive been trying to do this, but the initial shock to my system when their relationship started has been hard. We were on a poly break when they met, we expressed that we both felt 3 days with a meta would be a healthy amount, obviously with flexibility, but that was out the window the first week. He made plans with me, and would be distracted texting her, he cancelled on me, or would stay up so late with her that when it was our evening he couldn’t stay awake past 8. The biggest blow up was when the sex happened, and it was expressed that he enjoyed being sexual with her more than me. I felt like I lost everything with him in two weeks, and he was aware of my pain.. I communicated openly about the things I was feeling and hoping that we could repair them before they became a bigger problem.
It was pretty much when I reached my breaking point that he finally slowed down and began reinvesting in me. Now we are reconnecting and I’m working on feeling better. All of those hardships are still very fresh, I was able to work out what was a valid and rational pain and what was spite or bitterness. And I am able to move past those feelings mostly.
Now I’m really struggling to cope with little things, they feeling like splinters, despite the initial big injury is gone or being fixed, the little splinters popping up are infecting.
It’s tiny subtle things, I feel like the only things he talks about now are things they’ve talked about, like I’m getting these second hand conversations, but he doesn’t mention where he’s getting his information from. Or new techniques in the bedroom, different ways he touches me.. these little things just cause me to feel hurt and jealous. I don’t know how to rationalize these thoughts and feelings. I know he’s going to experience and learn new things from his partner, I feel like it wouldn’t even be a passing thought if I hadn’t been so hurt initially. But alas, here I am. I don’t know how to be okay, and not feel resentful toward their relationship. I haven’t brought it up to him because we have worked through the big things and I don’t want to nag or put him on eggshells around me where he has to be careful what he says or does.
I’m just kind of tired of the “I learned about __” and then not simply telling me “my partner told me about __” because I almost feel deceived. But my rational side is telling me, that’s extremely petty. It’s just kind of feeling like he’s adding all these new things to our own intimacy that he’s getting elsewhere and then skirting around being open about where he’s learned them. I feel like it’s feeding my insecurities in the sense of I don’t feel like there’s honesty. I guess to me, avoiding a truth is still lying. But would I even be okay if he was simply forthcoming about these things or would I still feel upset because of jealousy?
It’s just so many subtle comments, jokes, intimate things, the texting when I have my back turned, or always finding a reason to go to the store so he can call her on his drive. I guess typing this out, I’m feeling like he’s saying he wants to focus on repairing our relationship, and he does the big obvious things, but underneath it, he’s still so absorbed in her (and the NRE, understandably), that he’s still just constantly thinking of her, that even during our moments, she’s what’s on his mind.
Am I just completely off my rocker here? Can someone help me sort through this and be okay? I am and have been super happy he’s found someone, because he definitely struggles to connect, I don’t want to ruin this for him. But how do I heal? Like someone smack me upside the head if I’m being totally stupid so I can fix myself, or how do I feel okay being an after thought in his life?
