I apologize that this is going to be like a little book of a post...
My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years. Through thick and thin. Poverty, health problems, recessions, kids.. All the tough stuff and we still are madly in love with each other.
For the past 10 years, it's been very hard for me because her anxiety killed her sex drive, dead. And that was a dramatic change for us. We had been open before that, sometimes she'd have a boyfriend, sometimes me a girlfriend, sometimes we'd see some other friends together. It was a good situation, until mental health shut it all down.
At that point, we closed the marriage. She had no interest, and I didn't want to feel like I could just replace her in that way. Teamwork, see us through.
Through a long hard road, careful medication work, therapy, and determination, she's more herself than she's been in a decade. Including libido, which is all great and a huge accomplishment.
Something unexpected happened at the same time, though. An old relationship she used to have rekindled online (very, very long distance) right about the same time.
So, I went from a wife who showed zero interest in me to wife who was sexually active, interested in me, and wanting to have that online relationship.
She, of course, asked if this could happen. I want the answer to be yes. I said "yes, but it is going to take some work to be OK with."
I'm not coping well with this transition. I've been working on breaking down my jealousy issues that have flared up, and in a big way, trying to work through them all.
She and he have a long dormant dom/sub relationship. She's a masochist and he can fulfill a need for her I just can't, not in the same way. This already pushes things into uncomfortable for me. In that way, I'm just not enough for her. That's a fact and it's a hard one to take. He can treat her very differently because they have a different dynamic - she will never have to ask him if he remembered the laundry. With him, she can just give herself over to being submissive entirely. Clean transition.
So there's anxiety/problem #1: What are some ways I can try to accept the fact that they just have a different relationship than I can have with her? I'm having a hard time with it, but I know it's normal and natural for different relationships to be different, esp if dom/sub in one, not in the other.
My second form of jealousy/issue was something we've talked through already, but including it here. The timing of her libido returning and the renewed relationship with him, it felt like those two were intertwined. That it's only because of him that she was interested in sex again. I felt incredibly insecure about myself from that. That I wasn't attractive enough to 'get her motor running' anymore.
I'm being careful not to repeatedly seek reassurance on this one, as that's a crap behavior I don't want to start. But, in our one conversation about this area, she definitely said I still am attractive to her.
So, anxiety/problem #2: I don't feel attractive, which I'm working on fixing (gym, better eating, wardrobe once I lose an inch on the midsection). What are some ways to help myself stop feeling unattractive? What are some small things I can maybe reasonably ask of her that would help reinforce that she does without it being a burden?
Third issue.... I'm totally a "Hot Wife" kind of guy. Super into voyeur. I thought long and hard about this for the past two weeks, and a huge amount of my feeling negative about their new relationship growth is that I'm very excluded from it. I'm incredibly turned on by her sharing intimate photos with him - if I could see them too. I don't need to read their chats, but if she described what they were virtually doing while she and I were together, I would lose-my-mind enjoy it.
However, at least for now, she is very intentionally excluding me from that space. Her reasons aren't necessarily important - she defined a boundary and I need to respect that. I have no fear at all that she is doing anything dangerous with him or that our relationship is at risk.
So, anx/prob #3: Right now, she's doing something that would be intensely fantasy fulfilling for me. How can I get myself to overcome how much I resent being excluded? I know what she has done is 100% reasonable and I need to respect that no. I don't know how to process this envy. This deep seated need because it's been a life-long kink and it's right there, but for that "no".
I want to just feel happy about this situation. I want to feel only joy for her. This is pretty awesome stuff for her to be able to do.
And she is being very compassionate. She is listening when I need something, or just to vent about a struggle I'm having. And we've had a new renewed passion between us. We've made strides into new areas that have been on my wishlist and hers. So, it's so stupidly close to just being wonderful. Except I keep stumbling over parts of my mind that flare up like the 3 above.
I've also reached out to the poly community of the city where we moved to 4 years back so that maybe I can start to have a community here to better look to. Behavior modelling is helpful.
Concern #4: On the off chance I hit it off with some one or ones from that community, is considering that going to make me feel a bit more like there are more upsides to the whole thing? Or am I adding black powder to the smoldering room? Is it fair to even consider trying to build a new relationship with someone(s) if I'm struggling with the above?
Thoughts? Any would be appreciated. And I can talk more interactively if PM'd. I just.. I have no friends that are healthy poly people to talk me through this. I want to be better, not just for her, but for me, for us.
Edit: Realized I hadn't said. This ALL happened in March. Mostly the 2nd half. So the speed of everything has been possibly part of the problem here. Hence the 0 to 60 title.
