WARNING: Strong language and descriptions of violent, sexual assault which can be strong triggers for emotional stress or PTSD.
I’m sittin’ here, doing my daily browsing and looking at stories, opinions and comments. I know better to read the comments. I’ve tried to work on this with my therapist and he said to just give it up and deal with the outrage. So, I’m going to deal with it.
So, I’m reading about some Boogaloo derp who pled guilty and is looking at 20 years in the fed. I’m scrolling through comments and I start seeing things suggesting forced anal penetration, or, in street parlance, “becoming someone’s bitch.”
I realize it’s just banter, but there are surely folks on here who’ve been in prison and that shit ain’t no joke. For one thing, 85-90% inmates don’t get raped. Statistics put the number between 3.2 and 4.6% reported, substantiated victims (I’m not going to go down this road about unreported — not enough time in the day for that).
I’ve been behind those walls. I was lucky. I’m an average-to-big guy, I’m openly gay, I wouldn’t hesitate to slap the taste out of someone’s mouth, I got hella boo game and (most importantly) I make people laugh. I got tried up (tested) a few times, but I shut that mess down quickly. It wasn’t hard to do. Still, there were a couple of times where I was scared a certain inmate was going to try and rape me. Nothing happened in prison and for that I’m grateful.
But...I have had to sit by helplessly while someone else was getting raped. I’ve seen it with my eyes and I can never unsee it. I’ve heard grown men scream and cry out for their mother why gangstas took turns. I’ve smelled the mixture of shit, blood and semen. I’ve seen men swallow razor blades rather than live with the shame and humiliation of being sexually assaulted. I’ve seen developmentally disabled young men “turned out” and made a sex slave. I’ve had to listen to men talk about being raped because they had nowhere else to turn to. Too scared to report it, and too ashamed to tell someone else. I’ve had to slick call the PREA hotline to get a poor bastard some help.
This shit hurts. I’ve been out for longer than I was in and this shit still hurts like its fresh. Whenever someone makes one of those comments about some jerk going to prison — “hope he gets buttfucked,” “well maybe Bubba will like him,” “he’ll make a good bitch” — or any such shit, I go full flashback. I see it, hear it and smell it all over again.
That’s just my burden to deal with and it’s part of the punishment. Nobody put me there — I did that myself. I’m not looking for sympathy. In fact, I feel guilty about feeling this pain. I’m just saying that some folks make some damned thoughtless statements. But, in truth, that’s not really what bothers me.
I cannot for the life of me imagine someone on this forum, claiming to be a liberal or progressive, saying that they hope one of Trump’s femalesycophants, any of those random racist white women people call “Karens”, or even a woman who gets sent to prison — get raped. There would be no end to the flames and flags on a diary or comment where someone suggests it’d be alright if a woman in prison got raped. Those flags and flames would be wholly justified, too.
I know I’m ranting about a tiny few, thoughtless individuals and not the community in general. I’m just dealing with my pain in a public way. Writing this is very difficult. I barely talk about this stuff in therapy because I hate paying for 30 minutes of sobbing when I can do that at home for free.
Although nothing happened to me while incarcerated, I am a survivor of sexual assault. I know what it’s like to have your autonomy taken from you and be used like a dirty rag. I know what it’s like to be a powerless thing.
I guess I’m done now. I don’t want to be angry at people for being callous. I don’t think any of those comments were intended to hurt people — they’re just expressing a depth of hatred for another person. I don’t believe I’m righteous enough to throw stones.
