r/polyamory

[Dafuqisdis?]

I'm sorry, but I just don't get how people can get in these entangled, years long relationships, and not be married. Like, you've been with this guy for two decades, live together, moved across the country with him, and you never tied the knot? And you're surprised when he treats you like a deadbeat roommate? In real families, when a spouse is out of job, the other spouse has no problem stepping up to help out so that their significant other can get back on their feet. But you are doing all of this for a guy who won't even commit to you? And are surprised when he's a selfish prick?

Well, they're poly, so obviously that cuts down a lot on the "entanglement" and also the guy's desire to get married. No dude with two braincells to rub together would put a ring on a woman that's going around and having romantic involvement with other dudes. Of course that arrangement is stupid from the jump, but to risk your assets and future financial solvency on top of that?

 

[The Demon Pimp of Razgriz]

Well, they're poly, so obviously that cuts down a lot on the "entanglement"

I mean, they're entangled, even if they're poly. They are living together, sharing bills, and making major life decisions together. They're entangled, whether they want to admit that or not.

No dude with two braincells to rub together would put a ring on a woman that's going around and having romantic involvement with other dudes. Of course that arrangement is stupid from the jump, but to risk your assets and future financial solvency on top of that?

Which is why its baffling. This entire setup makes no sense. To go to such lengths for a person you have no commitment towards is just mind boggling. Yet people do it all the time now, whether they are in a poly relationship or a monogamous one.

 

[DumbDude43]

Well, they're poly, so obviously that cuts down a lot on the "entanglement" and also the guy's desire to get married. No dude with two braincells to rub together would put a ring on a woman that's going around and having romantic involvement with other dudes. Of course that arrangement is stupid from the jump, but to risk your assets and future financial solvency on top of that?

thats exactly what makes her decision to quit her job and move to a foreign city with him so weird to me
"i quit my job to support you in your career" is something that makes sense for a married couple with children, not for childless 40-somethings in an open 'relationship'

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

The only people who find the idea of polyamory attractive are terminally online millenials who finally found love, got hooked on sex and validation, and wanted even more of it. It's like already having a job while looking for the next one; you're empowered and can make demands that you couldn't prior.

 

[Evil Peter Griffin]

I'm sorry, but I just don't get how people can get in these entangled, years long relationships, and not be married. Like, you've been with this guy for two decades, live together, moved across the country with him, and you never tied the knot? And you're surprised when he treats you like a deadbeat roommate? In real families, when a spouse is out of job, the other spouse has no problem stepping up to help out so that their significant other can get back on their feet. But you are doing all of this for a guy who won't even commit to you? And are surprised when he's a selfish prick?

Even if they get married he's still going to be a selfish asshole.

 

[NoReturn]

Tranch vibes:

Is it possible to be poly while fully decentering men?​

Advice
Strange question maybe but are there people here who have been poly in such a way that men have been truly decentered?
In a polycule where men’s needs truly aren’t made priority by accident and women aren’t subconsciously picking up slack?
Are there any truly truly feminist (not just queer feminist or liberal feminist or sex liberal) polycules out there? Or am I, by committing to the lifestyle also committing to biting my tongue for the rest of my life?
Info: been poly since I was like 16 and am 28 now. It felt like the utopia I described when everyone was trans or lesbian I’ve read all the theory and gone to all the therapy but right now I’m dating a mostly straight guy, and my girlfriend is quite.. like chill with men herself. So are the people my partner dates which makes sense given he is a man
But I don’t know how to consolidate these two lives; the lesbian feminist one in search for true liberation- with this notion I seem to encounter again and again in poly spaces that men and women are equals because they’re trying very hard to be. While the patterns of inequality are constantly present.
I want to live happily poly and feel generous and loving (or at least liking, not feel like an alien) around the people my partners date.
But I also feel like I can’t breathe when nobody understands my position as a butch person and seem content to reproduce their gender roles
How can I be around people who don’t find my equality to be all that important?
EDIT: This should be understood as an emotional rant, as an expression of fear and vulnerability. Please be mindful of your defensiveness if possible; this is not an attack on you or anyone. I am trying to express my fears as a transmasc/butch person with a lot of trauma and to get wiser so as to what our thoughts as a community are on the sexism and heteronormativity in our community
Locked post. New comments cannot be poste

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/19bi2a6/is_it_possible_to_be_poly_while_fully_decentering/

 

[Aquinas 2]

Lmao, i read the comments in that and most people are crawling up her ass

 

[Panzerfrau]

Tranch vibes:

She's transmasc, lesbian AND is dating a straight guy?

 

[Sleazy Car Salesman]

this makes no sense. from the described behavior, the guy clearly doesn't care for her and doesn't really want her around.
but if that's how he feels about her then why would he take her with him to the new city in the first place? would have made much more sense to just leave her behind so he can enjoy his his new job and new girlfriend undisturbed by her.

also the whole "you should quit your job for my career, but i still expect you to pay half of our bills" thing is such an absurd demand for him to make, and an equally absurd demand for her to agree to, i have a hard time believing that this is a real thing that happened to real people.

It's almost as if we're only getting one side of the story, from a polyamorist no less, and keep in mind that to a woman no relationship problem is ever her fault even in part.

 

[RainbowStarlight]

Of course the parents of "nonbinary children" are polyamorous.

 

[scathefire]

Of course the parents of "nonbinary children" are polyamorous.

I'm pretty sure Hazel is a girl and she'll probably be cut off from/be unaware of resources that will help her deal with her puberty and first period. It's quite cruel when you think about it, women and men have their own separate challenges when growing up and you shouldn't act like they won't or don't exist.

 

[Crex Crex]

The only people who find the idea of polyamory attractive

I prefer to use the scientific term "whores".

 

[Potatis Salad]

Hey there poly fam! When my husband fucks other women it's obviously super duper fulfilling and wonderful for me and great for our relationship. If I didn't enjoy this, I would be a total prude! But how do I get over my feelings of hurt, anger, revulsion, and disgust when my husband fucks other women?

Spoiler: text

Hey y’all! Basically what the title says. Currently feeling some kind of way after my partner is intimate with my meta and would love some new ideas on how to reconnect. The revulsion is pretty strong sometimes and I’m hoping to work through it in a more constructive way other than just simply avoiding my partner until I feel better.

The advice from the amazing poly community who also love it when their husbands fuck other women:


OP (/u/whyisthiskindaweird) has made a couple of previous posts in /r/polyamory. The husband sounds like a real piece of work. Note the edit at the end of this one. After several paragraphs describing her intense discomfort at hearing her husband have multiple rounds of, in her words, "freaky screaming sex" in the next room of their small apartment, she insists that her husband would NEVER do anything to make her uncomfortable! She's TOTALLY FINE, OK????!?!:

Link | Archive

Spoiler: text

Feeling like I have to listen to my husband and meta have sex for the sake of practicality despite it being a boundary.
My (31F) husband (34M) have been ENM/poly for about 7 years. He has been with his long distance partner (27F) for a little over two years now. I've been trying to figure out the best way to compromise when it comes to listening to him and meta have sex. We have a relatively small apartment and no matter where anyone is in the apartment, you can hear everything. I don't enjoy listening to them have sex - it gives me the ick and overall makes me feel uncomfortable. It's loud and happens multiple times per day. But part of me feels like I need to just deal with it for the sake of practicality. Given that they're long distance, visits are few and far between and are quite long (3-4 weeks at a time) and she stays with us. It doesn't feel reasonable for me to request they only have sex when I'm either asleep or not at home. My husband and I both WFH and are homebodies so we really aren't going out that frequently save for errands here and there. In the past he has usually had his partners/FWB host or they arranged meet ups at our place when I still worked in the office, so this is really the first time we've had to deal with this scenario.

I don't really know what the best course of action is here. My husband and I have talked about it and he finds it very reasonable and normal to not want to listen to them fuck, but I still feel like I'm being a huge barrier in their relationship. Getting a hotel or AirBnB could be an option, albeit expensive. I could also put on headphones and listen to music, but I also don't feel like it's fair to expect me to do that multiple times per day.

Any advice would be appreciated. I've seen similar questions be asked before and most people seem to lean towards "it's okay to not want to listen to your partner and meta have sex" but I'm still feeling some kind of way about it.

Edit: I really appreciate all the input so far! For those of you saying my husband and meta are being disrespectful - holy hell. My husband would never do anything that made me uncomfortable - we've explored voyeurism in the past and normally I very much enjoy listening to him fuck his partners. Turns out when I'm not also sexually/romantically involved in them as well, listening to him fuck someone who is an acquaintance just feels kinda weird. I ain't having a meltdown listening to some moans and slaps, lol. Doesn't feel great but nothing unmanageable.

A month later, she's back again. Unfortunately, she still seems to rather dislike the sound of her husband having multiple daily rounds of loud sex ten feet away from OP in her own apartment. But she can't figure out why she does not enjoy this. She's in therapy to learn to love the sound of her husband fucking another woman.

Link | Archive

Spoiler: text

Do/did you ever get used to listening to your partner(s) have sex with other people?
I posted here about a month ago re: listening to my husband and meta fuck due to practicality when she visits (getting alternate accommodations is incredibly expensive) and received some really wonderful advice from a lot of people. The post got far more attention than I expected and I read every single reply.

I am BACK with some follow up. In the past, my husband and I have explored voyeurism and threesomes and I really enjoyed listening to him fuck a previous partner that I was also romantically and sexually involved in. It very much felt like a “oh man two people I’m really into are getting it on, this is hot” kind of thing. In this situation, I don’t have anything close to that with my meta. We’re friendly and try to talk to each other regularly so we both feel more comfortable with each other, but the romantic and sexual element aren’t there. Subsequently, listening to her and my husband fuck just makes me uncomfortable. Why exactly, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure out the “why” for a long time and I haven’t really been able to come up with anything beyond “I don’t have a relationship with her and listening to people I’m not involved with fuck is just weird.” I wouldn’t even say it’s an issue with the sex itself - I know it’s happening and if it’s elsewhere or I’m not at home, great. I just…don’t really want to be listening to that if it’s not in a threesome context.

My question to the community is the title - is this something you just accept and “get over” or does it remain a boundary? Obviously this is pretty subjective but I’m looking for any input. Right now the idea of her spending an extended period of time in our apartment and having to listen to them one way or another sounds terrible. I have no idea if this is something that would get better over time given enough exposure or if it'll always feel "ew."

And yes, I’m in therapy and it’s something we are actively discussing/working through.

What do you think, poly fam? How to get over this mysterious revulsion and experience compersion?

 

[Tor Lugosi]

"I love my open relationship! It's so heckin wholesome sharing my partner with other people! But I have a question: when does the compulsion to slit my own wrists go away?"

reading about these deluded idiots suffering in a hell of their own making is always entertaining

 

[DumbDude43]

"I love my open relationship! It's so heckin wholesome sharing my partner with other people! But I have a question: when does the compulsion to slit my own wrists go away?"

reading about these deluded idiots suffering in a hell of their own making is always entertaining

it's actually disturbing to me, seeing people voluntarily brainwash themselves into accepting the unacceptable despite their subconscious screaming in agony the entire time

 

[Blarmed&Dangerous]

it's actually disturbing to me, seeing people voluntarily brainwash themselves into accepting the unacceptable despite their subconscious screaming in agony the entire time

Isn't that like, the totality of the modern world?

 

[The Judean People's Front]

Isn't that like, the totality of the modern world?

You're not wrong, but there's this really, really weird specific kind of brainwashing that goes on in the polyamory community that is something idk if I've seen elsewhere outside of cults. Like, their base belief is that your instincts are wrong, and all the feelings you have should be different.

I posted here a while back about an IRL experience with my friend "Mae" and her husband "Luke" and his new partner, "Sarah." Tl;Dr, Luke and Mae got married young after meeting within their insular and kinda culty religious group. After being married for about a decade, they decided to "try polyamory" during the pandemic, only for moderately attractive Luke to leave not-so-attractive Mae for young, pretty Sarah.

I had noted that Mae at least seemed done with polyamory after this and a particularly icky encounter with an Internet "dom." But I regret to inform the class that she's still in it, as is Luke and Sarah. They're all miserable and I can't say much more than that without getting into identifying info territory.

Thing is, it reminds me of their relationship with their church, too. They hate it. They know it's abusive. It fucked them up in the first place so that they're now completely confused about sex and love in their 30s. But it took them until their very late 20s to figure that out and extricate themselves. Now, in their 30s and free of THAT cult, they've joined a new one that makes them similarly miserable and confused. Every time I think Mae has figured it out, she just dives back in. She's aware that what she wants is monogamy - someone to mutually adore, as she says - but she's still fishing for that in her pool of polyamorists, positive that her feelings of revulsion and jealousy in polyamory are "wrong" and she can overcome them if she's just good enough.

Polyamory is a cult and I don't think people will get out until they realize it.

ETA: I also meant to note that the venn diagram of self-harmers/sadists and polyamory enthusiasts is a circle..

 

[Potatis Salad]

In the top posts on /r/polyamory right now, these are the first three that have to do with lesbian couples or polycules. What do they--and all lesbians on /r/polyamory--have in common?

Spoiler: ope

Spoiler: oop

Spoiler: there it is

 

[AfghanBlue]

What do you think, poly fam? How to get over this mysterious revulsion and experience compersion?

bitch, GO FOR A WALK.

if you're really that into hypnotising away your revulsion, "laughing at your baggage" just go. for. a. fucking. stroll.

she wont put headphones in even. she wants someone to tell her some magical non existing key that makes her feel better...actually, what she wants is someone to tel her firmly couched in poly speak, that actually the husband is being badpoly-not mean, CERTAINLY not his fault, heaven forfend, but by this simple technicality, that chess move is actually illegal, no moral judgement.

that wont happen, so take your fat WFH arse for a depressing stroll.

 

[Krokodil Overdose]

I prefer to use the scientific term "whores".

Whores get paid. These idiots are giving it away.