r/polyamory

[AprilRains]

My least favorite of all is 'kitchen table poly'. Ugh.

i hate to ask but what is that

 

[Crunchy Leaf]

i hate to ask but what is that

it's when you insist you and your fuckbuddies and your fuckbuddies' fuckbuddies all sit around at a kitchen table and discuss your feelings
or, when you insist the spouse you've cuckolded has to be friends with your new piece

 

[AprilRains]

it's when you insist you and your fuckbuddies and your fuckbuddies' fuckbuddies all sit around at a kitchen table and discuss your feelings
or, when you insist the spouse you've cuckolded has to be friends with your new piece

The kitchen is a really, really bad place to have emotionally sensitive conversations. Knives. Cleavers. Burners. Anyone who has worked the crime beat on a newspaper can tell you that you never want to have an argument in a kitchen.

 

[AnOminous]

it's when you insist you and your fuckbuddies and your fuckbuddies' fuckbuddies all sit around at a kitchen table and discuss your feelings
or, when you insist the spouse you've cuckolded has to be friends with your new piece

Christ, these fucking people have found a way to take even cuckoldry and make it worse.

 

[scathefire]

How fucking hard is it to just be in a relationship? Part of what’s so confusingly fascinating to me about polyamory is that in an effort to make things “easier” it just makes everything infinitely more complicated and difficult.

 

[Tanner Glass]

i hate to ask but what is that

To give a more detailed answer, polyamory isn't just a "single" thing - there's all kinds of shapes and forms.

"Kitchen Table" poly (primarily) focuses on everyone involved in the relationship (you, your wife, her boyfriend, your girlfriend, your girlfriend's boyfriend, etc) knowing one another and everyone having some level of relationship (think of it like a dorm room/family). It usually (but not always) implies there isn't a hierarchy of any sort and that everyone is an equal part of the relationship and they spend time together as a group frequently (if they don't outright live together) even if they all aren't romantically involved with one another. It's basically poly with a built-in support group; so if your girlfriend's boyfriend wants to nail your wife you can just hang out with your wife's boyfriend since you both have the night off, essentially.

This is a contrast to "normal" poly (I know) where there's usually a "main" relationship (ex a husband and wife) that everything else stems from. To the husband, his girlfriend is not as important as his wife and to the wife her boyfriend isn't as important has her husband, and so on. In "regular" poly it isn't common for your husband to ever meet your boyfriend, it's way less common for them to be friends (some husbands will meet boyfriends initially for "approval" reasons) and it's remarkably uncommon for your boyfriend to ever meet your husband's girlfriend.

 

[Brain Problems]

How fucking hard is it to just be in a relationship? Part of what’s so confusingly fascinating to me about polyamory is that in an effort to make things “easier” it just makes everything infinitely more complicated and difficult.

It's an attempt to reinvent the wheel because they took some retarded women studies classes in their undergrad/masters program that took them a decade to complete and clearly know how things work better than everyone else. It's a delightful mix of dunning-kruger, BPD, and hippy-dippy shit. What's amusing is that I mentioned this in passing to my parents once and they even said that when they were my age there were the exact same types of people doing the exact same shit. Time is a flat circle.

 

[Amber the Hedgehog]

Cuckoldry is truly something I can't understand, and by extension, polyamory, too.

What pleasure there is to be a cuck is actually really easy to explain, although there few different types. Of course what gets one# motor going can be mix of multiple reasons but I have noticed three different main types. I’m using here wife and husband as an example but genders or actual government seal of approval doesn’t really matter.

Type 1) Those that get pleasure from humiliating experiences
Getting some pleasure from humiliation is fairly normal because intensely humiliating experiences get your blood bumping. It just one way to get adrenaline going and some people are junkies to that stuff. To these people it usually goes hand in hand with other BDMS type stuff. Your wife getting on with a other man rather you can be deliciously humiliating and painful to this type.

Type 2) Those that like their wife being desirable
Many guys like feel that they are winning if they get the woman whom everyone wants to nail. Cuck thing can work kinda as that. Those other guys like my wife so much that they have hot sex with her but unlike them I’m actually married to this woman so I win. Basically they find to be an ego boost.

Type 3) Those that like to watch
If you really enjoy watching and like your wife this can be way to combine those. Sure you can watch she masturbates or record their own porn but that isn’t the same as real time sex. To these cuck is just acceptable price they are willing to pay to get watch a play staring their wife. Depending on the guy he might prefer to spy or be in same room (maybe even giving directions).

 

[Francis Dollarhyde]

What pleasure there is to be a cuck is actually really easy to explain, although there few different types. Of course what gets one# motor going can be mix of multiple reasons but I have noticed three different main types. I’m using here wife and husband as an example but genders or actual government seal of approval doesn’t really matter.

Type 1) Those that get pleasure from humiliating experiences
Getting some pleasure from humiliation is fairly normal because intensely humiliating experiences get your blood bumping. It just one way to get adrenaline going and some people are junkies to that stuff. To these people it usually goes hand in hand with other BDMS type stuff. Your wife getting on with a other man rather you can be deliciously humiliating and painful to this type.

Type 2) Those that like their wife being desirable
Many guys like feel that they are winning if they get the woman whom everyone wants to nail. Cuck thing can work kinda as that. Those other guys like my wife so much that they have hot sex with her but unlike them I’m actually married to this woman so I win. Basically they find to be an ego boost.

Type 3) Those that like to watch
If you really enjoy watching and like your wife this can be way to combine those. Sure you can watch she masturbates or record their own porn but that isn’t the same as real time sex. To these cuck is just acceptable price they are willing to pay to get watch a play staring their wife. Depending on the guy he might prefer to spy or be in same room (maybe even giving directions).

So the ones eating the creampie are an extreme of type 1? That must be what happens with polyamory, so they are type 1 I guess.

Maybe the poly ones are just done with life in general, completely nihilist, thinking people will cheat anyway so better to be open about it. Some people out there are just unable to be monogamous. We all know at least 1. I can see them all bonding together and be miserable, thinking of ways to excuse their piss poor impulse control by explaining each and every nuance in any type of relationship.

 

[Amber the Hedgehog]

So the ones eating the creampie are an extreme of type 1? That must be what happens with polyamory, so they are type 1 I guess.

Well they can be extreme versions of 1 or 2 depending on their reasons. Eating cum can be humiliating sure but it can also be a concrete sign that your wife is hot. She got that other guy off but that hot pussy ultimately yours. You can remove the other guy because she has chosen you over the others. People are wierd and have wierd mind games.

 

[ChickenGoesBawk]

"What they do is none of my business" is how we thought about drag queens, and now they're reading storybooks to kids and trying to put little boys in stripper outfits.

That gets me ticked off, not gonna lie.
It's really disturbing.

 

[Peachy]

Found this rather depressing polyamory post on r/polyamory.

Advise. Wife insists on closed triad to protect me. : polyamory

archived 4 Jun 2019 02:53:26 UTC

archive.li

Wife wants a closed triad because she sees OP as "too fragile". Then OP talks about meeting a couple where the husband self medicates while his wife gets laid.

 

[Underestimated Nutria]

What pleasure there is to be a cuck is actually really easy to explain, although there few different types. Of course what gets one# motor going can be mix of multiple reasons but I have noticed three different main types. I’m using here wife and husband as an example but genders or actual government seal of approval doesn’t really matter.

Type 1) Those that get pleasure from humiliating experiences
Getting some pleasure from humiliation is fairly normal because intensely humiliating experiences get your blood bumping. It just one way to get adrenaline going and some people are junkies to that stuff. To these people it usually goes hand in hand with other BDMS type stuff. Your wife getting on with a other man rather you can be deliciously humiliating and painful to this type.

Type 2) Those that like their wife being desirable
Many guys like feel that they are winning if they get the woman whom everyone wants to nail. Cuck thing can work kinda as that. Those other guys like my wife so much that they have hot sex with her but unlike them I’m actually married to this woman so I win. Basically they find to be an ego boost.

Type 3) Those that like to watch
If you really enjoy watching and like your wife this can be way to combine those. Sure you can watch she masturbates or record their own porn but that isn’t the same as real time sex. To these cuck is just acceptable price they are willing to pay to get watch a play staring their wife. Depending on the guy he might prefer to spy or be in same room (maybe even giving directions).

Why are they all ugly though? (In your view: I have my own)

 

[Amber the Hedgehog]

Found this rather depressing polyamory post on r/polyamory.
View attachment 784571

Advise. Wife insists on closed triad to protect me. : polyamory

archived 4 Jun 2019 02:53:26 UTC

archive.li

Wife wants a closed triad because she sees OP as "too fragile". Then OP talks about meeting a couple where the husband self medicates while his wife gets laid.

I would encourage the husband to say “no” and get ready for divorce just in case. It’s clear that wife is engaging with shady people and that will not end well. Being bi doesn’t mean that you need to have sex and/or romance with both men and women to be happy. That’s excuse for something else. Assuming that wife is similar age as husband it could be a middle age crisis and feeling unattractive. That’s something poky most certainly won’t fix. Just because you are having issues with late diagnosis of ADHD doesn’t mean you should let her walk over you. If her priorities aren’t with her husband in his time of need that’s a big red flag. Let her know that you don’t think this good idea and that if dating is must for then maybe it’s better if you two do it after separating. That might sting at moment alot but you will avoid bigger drama that will result getting engaged with couple in crisis like she wants to.

 

[AprilRains]

That’s something poky most certainly won’t fix.

Divinely inspired typo. It's all about poking more people. I suggest this become the new KF name for poly.

 

[Amber the Hedgehog]

Divinely inspired typo. It's all about poking more people. I suggest this become the new KF name for poly.

Yep. That’s why I left it in.

 

[tuscangarder]

Found (without really looking) another poly success story. This one goes through a few different subreddits to paint a clearer picture.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/bbi4kf/compersion_lost/ (Archive) r/polyamory


So we have our OP, a poly woman - sick and alone with a fever, sad while her longtime husband doesn't care that she's sick while he raw dogs his girlfriend a few rooms down. OP in particular feels "really unloved" and deservedly so, the situation she is describing sounds pretty shitty. I know we like to knock polyamory for being nonsense (and it is), but I would still like to think in a "healthy" poly relationship that a husband might take a night off from raw dogging the side girl to take care of his sick wife (or at a minimum, reschedule it).

There is a small stand out from the comments section, though, from the OP


Not only was she sick, but when her husband has a date night she's apparently banished to her room while they go to slam town elsewhere in the house.


Maybe it was just a one time slip up, though, I mean, it's not like the rest of their relationship is bad, right?

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/akx1eo/not_the_usual/ (Archive) r/DeadBedrooms - 2 months ago.


r/DeadBedrooms is a subreddit where people go to complain/seek help about being in sexless marriages/relationships.

OP hasn't gotten banged out by her husband in nearly 3 months, even though he's more than capable with his girlfriend. She makes a point to say "don't blame poly" but her entire jealousy stems from the fact that her husband is sexually active with someone else and not her (the single core tenet of polyamory).

We can also extrapolate that as they've been together 20 years, that they are likely 40-50 years old and although the girlfriend's age is never stated, I would not be shocked to hear if she was significantly younger.

Sure, you might think, though, it's a rough patch. But if they've been together for 20 years they've probably encountered hardships before, right? It's not like it's the end.

https://www.reddit.com/r/UnsentLetters/comments/b12oy0/your_self_absorbed_depression/ (Archive) r/UnsentLetters


r/UnsentLetters is a subreddit for writing letters to people and not sending them to basically vent and put your own thoughts on paper. In therapy, it's a useful tool for indirect confrontation and resolution. This subreddit in particular is intended for actual problems and is not a creative writing prompt.

Incidentally, it would seem that OP's husband and girlfriend have been going out for approximately 2 years, though that's surely a coincidence and not at all why their relationship has had such a drastic shift.

Another success story.

For some reason reading this actually made me feel really depressed.

 

[Brain Problems]

For some reason reading this actually made me feel really depressed.

This entire thread is unironically one of the most depressing and aggravating parts of this entire website.

 

[Tanner Glass]

For some reason reading this actually made me feel really depressed.

It's supposed to and having you necro that post reminded me of her, so I guess I can update her status. The good news is - don't feel sad! The bad news is - turns out she's a loon too.

She's 45 or 51, so let's say she's 51 (she expressly uses both ages on Reddit, which is weird). Her screen name would indicate that she's 51 or 52 as well. It wasn't clear at all to me when I wrote the original post but as she's written more since we can delve deeper into the mystery of her sad, sad tale.

The first correction is her complaining about a "2 year" relationship - I initially thought it was her lashing out at her husband and his girlfriend, but as it turns out - she had a boyfriend and that was the relationship that went sour. I'll let her describe it in her words.

From a random thread, comments section.

I feel for you so hard. I was in a similar relationship for 2 years. Started as lovers then FWB then friends. He and I were practically soul mates. He would not consider himself poly (I’m married). He told me he loved me last time I saw him. It’s weird calling it a break up....what WERE we?

So now we've got a clearer picture - as much as she was complaining about her husband, it was this that set her off. It sounded like it was working out well but our (so far) unnamed protagonist realized there wasn't a future there (as she's already been married for 20+ years to someone else) and decided to back off. It sounds like she didn't care about what he husband was doing until she found herself alone again, like a weird backup plan.

I'll let her describe her break up with "Ned" in her own words, and you can come to your own conclusions.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationsh...lockedbecause_i_asked_for_what_i_needed_in_a/ (Archive)

I’ll keep this short. I (F-45) have been in a 2 year relationship with a divorced man, Ned. (M-45). I am married, in an open relationship. I only mention that fact because I was not on an escalator relationship path with Ned. I had very few expectations of Ned, other than respect, companionship and fun. Our relationship has vacillated between being lovers to FWB to somehow more than friends , but platonic. (Cuddle buddies on movie night). Ned has issues with emotional attachment, and ours was the classic push-pull pattern. It took me over a year to recognize his pattern and another year to learn more about his attachment style. I was struggling with not allowing him to make me sad....but he had a lot of power over my emotions. In any case, we really enjoy hanging out and we had become best buds. We have spent countless hours together.
In January, Ned finally put me all the way in the friend zone with no discussion at all. I never understood the reasons why he couldn’t be intimate with me....he still said he loved me. I’m not ugly...quite the opposite. He wasn’t in another relationship. I was disappointed, but all good things come to an end and I was happy to be friends. Thing was....he was no better a friend than a BF. He constantly hurt my feelings.

For example, I had surgery and he forgot all about it. He texted me the morning of my surgery and asked about me if I wanted to take care of his pet that week. (I have taken care of Ned several times in his illness, surgery, etc). He lurks in my FB and never acknowledges his presence, but I could see that he interacts with mutual friends. He mentions seeing my stuff, but never “likes” it or supports me. I don’t know why that hurt my feelings so badly, but how hard is it to react to a post, and offer encouragement? Lastly, he had a monumental event...sent me a FB invite weeks ahead, but never mentioned it again, although he sent me pics that morning of him all dressed up for said event. I didn’t go, and he didn’t seem to care that I wasn’t there. I didn’t even know if he wanted me there.

Still, he kept texting me daily, ghosting me a lot...and wanted to hang out when it was convenient for him. He never would make plans ahead of time with me.
So I called out his behavior in a very nice letter. I told him how much he meant to me. And then basically said, if you want to be just friends, then BE a friend.
Ned got mad and texted “I’m done”. I was mad....I said “GOOD”. Two days later he texted and asked to “chat”. I was still upset and didn’t reply. Then I discovered he had unfriended me. Two days later, he has now BLOCKED me across the board on every platform. He even withdrew from joint FB groups. He’s never, ever done this before. I’m mad at myself because I actually feel bad for Ned. He has few friends...just a series of bad Bumble dates. And he has depression. But I was tired of always hurting because of his inability to truly be there. But I’m super crushed that he’s BLOCKED me forever. Was I justified for standing up for myself and what I need? Should I text him for at least some closure? Since he BLOCKED me, I feel like that’s the ultimate FU....and don’t know if we could ever be friends again, even if I wanted to. That’s a crap move against someone who has always been there for him. It’s not like I yelled at him or said anything ugly.

TL;DR. Complicated 2 year relationship ended in just friendship. But he was being a crappy friend..... liked having me on “call” but nothing in return. I told him nicely what had hurt my feelings....he responded by immediately blocking me on every platform.

So the crux of the post is her whining like a 14 year old girl, which I should mention that she posted several versions of this across different subreddits, like 5 times. Additionally she unironically complains about being put in the dreaded "Friend Zone" (a r/nicegirls crossover).

However, we get a few key things here. First, she lies about her age on Reddit for some reason (but is honest about it elsewhere). Second, she states that she was not on an "escalator relationship" which is what us normies would call a "growing relationship" - one where you date a girl, she becomes your girlfriend, maybe you move in together, maybe you get engaged, maybe you get married, then you have kids, etc. She already has that through her husband and so won't be doing that twice. Ned, however, isn't polyamorous and he's a divorcee - it's probable that he was willing to try it out but then felt bad when he realized there was no future in it for him.

She accuses him of doing cruel things such as hanging out when it's convenient for him; as if there was any other time that you're supposed to hang out with someone. He made a decision to stop having sex with and he made it all by himself - apparently he needed her permission to stop banging her. Perhaps, the worst of all things written about on this website, he didn't engage with her social media - he didn't even like her posts, the absolute monster. Is there a facebook status he's supposed to have that's a version of "I sometimes fuck this old lady in the ass" that replaced "it's complicated"?

Ned realized, after receiving a letter about his horrendous actions from her, realized maybe he was dealing with some crazy and blocked her across all platforms which set her off on a path to meltdown posting to reddit. Ned's likely better off.

However, this has had (allegedly) the unintended side effect of reconnecting her and her husband, who previously weren't having a ton of sex.

In her own words, again from a comments section.

We're 51. Married 28 years and have sex 2-4 times a week. In all positions. I feel sad for your wife. I've never felt sexier.

Here's where she mentions her age again but allegedly she's having sex 2-4 times a week now with her husband. Although I guess there are still a few logistical issues to attend to, around that.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/bsrab0/my_49_f_hubby_49_m_are_at_an_impasse/ (Archive)

I like to go to bed and read my phone until I get sleepy. He wants me to face him, cuddle and caress him. The problem is, he’ll take a Cialis and want sex...but never TELL me. He never lets on earlier in the evening to let me get in the mood. I don’t like going to bed every night not knowing what to expect. If I lay there and cuddle, chances are he’ll start snoring and then I’m free to read....but he’s SNORING already. I struggle with the not knowing if anything is going to happen or not. I can’t fall asleep easily without reading. I love sex. I love my hubby. I also love relaxing and spooning at bedtime. He says he doesn’t want to “ make an appointment” for sex. (Seems like a copout because he and his girlfriend have a weekly date night for sex and sleeping together.). I can’t go from zero-100 without a little warning and preparation for how my evening is going to go. Ideas for a compromise?

FROM THE COMMENTS SECTION
It’s also that we both like anal sex. It’s nice to have a heads up....I can’t just do that on a whim. Even with regular sex, I might feel gross, wish I had taken a shower, etc. We’ve been married forever....I used to read a book in the good old days. He didn’t mind that, but maybe a phone is more threatening??
Maybe it’s my age, but as I get ready for bed, my gears are winding down to sleep mode. It is truly my favorite time of the day to press myself against hubs, breathe a big sigh, check my social media and fall asleep with him spooning me. I’d rather him throw me down on the bed for sex as soon as we get into the bedroom at night, than wait until I get all ready to crawl into bed.
And for the record, we have spontaneous sex a lot wen he’s home during the day.

So they have sex a lot, or not a lot because he needs to take Cialis. Maybe a lot? But he puts it in her butt and she can't always shower in preparation (why not?) and he doesn't like to schedule sex, unless he's scheduling sex with his girlfriend. Sounds like they've got the physical stuff worked out - how about the emotional? There's very little mention of it, except one small excerpt I was able to find that we're going to have to use to paint a large picture, but...

From a thread comment.

Sometimes it (Polyamory) just sucks. I had surgery on Monday and tonight I'm all alone because it's not my night. I feel like shit. It's rainy and depressing. And I'm lonely. But they're happy. And so I support them. Before he's committed to another, make sure you're okay being the odd one out. Because you'll be alone. A lot.

If there was a way to describe polyamory, it's this. "I'm alone and lonely, I feel like shit; but they're happy". Tough break, Ella, but it sounds like you made your own bed here. From "soul mates" with Ned to this.

EDIT - To Clarify - there are a few things I didn't put here. But, the social media that Ella is complaining about engagement on might be fetlife.com and she might be a "little" (look it up on your own if you don't know. Additionally, her sickness/surgeries might be cancer related. I can't cleanly confirm these but lmao if true.

 

[Solzhenitsyn]

The idea of one older gentleman, who probably is facing a rapidly shrinking dating pool, having the balls to admit to himself that this poly shit is unhealthy and pointless before completely severing contact with his crazy ex restores some of my hope in the world. Hope Ned gets a better woman.