- Joined
- Apr 15, 2014
This is all due to me having a dream.
I shit you not.
At some point I had run across this game, because I found a post of mine from 2016 discussing it in the Personal Lolcows thread. After that I, like pretty much everyone else, forgot about it. However, one fateful night, something in my subconscious (perhaps the squamous tentacle of Dread Cthulhu) dredged this up into a bizarre dream where I was trying to hunt down a copy of this game. For the first time in years, someone thought about this game.
I was a man possessed. This dream had sparked my curiosity. I searched the internet for information on this game. And lo, in the dankest depths of the Internet Archive, I found it.
Some madlad had uploaded it.
Prepare your anuses, for we are about to get a vista of vintage autism, wrapped in Cheetos dust and topped with the tipped fedora of Bush-years anti-Christianity.
This ain’t your average everyday resurrection.
This is, The Last Resurrection.
The game opens with an eye-searing 3D model of a succubus, angst-drenched red text, a pentagram selector, and music that I’m 100% sure is ripped from a Final Fantasy Game. These are the first things you will notice. The second is that this game does NOT pause if you tab out. Which means that you WILL accidently do something in game if you tab over to your notes.
It's telling that the model of the programmers waifu is the thing with the most effort put into it.
As soon as we start we get a taste of exactly what is to come.
This is the first ‘cutscene’, which introduces the character that I will refer to as “Based Jesus”.
Based Jesus don’t do none of that love your neighbor shit. See, Based Jesus is a man with a plan. A plan to take out the Romans and also Lilith and her little whore (I wonder who that could be).
When Judas starts backtalking him, Jesus yeets him with a fireball while calling him a liberal. I like this guy already.
Jesus goes into detail about his Evil Plan, which is to have Paul dress up as ‘Pontius Pilot’, so he can condem Jesus to death so that Jesus can ‘rise from the dead’. This will make everyone bow down to Jesus so he can get enough mana to cast magic missile or something.
After meeting the best character in the game, we are taken to the people the author intended us to root for. Lilith and the author’s OC Kalista. Lilith was Adam’s first wife who God thought was too uppity. Kalista is the author’s OC. While hanging out in the tombs on the edge of the city (because they’re goffek) they find Judas trying to kill himself with a poorly drawn rope.
After intervening in Judas’s anhero attempt, Judas informs our protagonists that Jesus has unleashed a dragon on the upper city.
Let me repeat that.
Jesus can summon dragons and make them do his bidding. What a fucking Chad!
This is the first segment of the game that isn’t a glorified slideshow, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s awful. ‘Attacking’ consists of awkwardly walking into enemies. Which damage you when you touch them. And your spear (I’m sorry, ‘partisan’) only has a couple of pixels that it actually effects. And because of your speed, it’s impossible to use any kind of precision. All of this adds up to a ‘combat’ system that consists of ramming into enemies and having a 50/50 chance of instantly dying.
Good fucking game mechanics.
We are quickly thrown into battle with the Jesus Dragon. The key to the battle is flying. As in, your character flies like a drunken brick and you need to awkwardly ram into the dragon. The dragon is much more manuverible than you, despite being much larger. I don’t know, chalk it up to Jesus magic.
This game has some of the worst combat I have ever seen. I know @Jaimas may dispute this, but the combat in this is uniquely painful. And not in the masochistic ‘hurt me harder Daddy FromSoft’ way, but in the ‘oh god will this fucking fight end already?’ The dragon isn’t the thing you’re fighting against. You’re fighting against the horrible controls so you can get this fucking thing over with.
Just to add salt to the wounds, Lilith flies around making chicken noises while a MIDI of a stolen Final Fantasy track blares. Which causes the game to freeze up whenever it loops.
After 10 minutes of annoying combat, the dragon is defeat and your winner. I also found all the Easter eggs, which means I get this amazing pop up.
Yes, I can download a MP3 of the bootleg Final Fantasy music by emailing Sean or going to his dead website. Good fucking Easter egg.
After beating the dragon you return to the tombs, where you get the TRUE and HONEST story of the bible (according to a teenage atheist who once played Shin Megami Tensei)
Basically God created everything because he was bored. Eventually he created Adam, and had him rape Lilith because evil. Apparently only humans having sex can create souls, and God can’t.
Because she got raped by Adam, God sent Lilith to Hell to be ‘torchered forever’. He also cursed Lilith’s soul to become a lusty hentai demon.
But wait, it was said just two slides ago that God can’t create human souls. But Lilith also apparently had a soul, despite being a creation of God? How incompetent of a writer do you have to be to break your own plot in two pages?
God eventually gets pissed that people are becoming pagans and sends the great flood to kill everyone.
And then this game gets really BASED on the Jewish Question.
God’s ultimate plan is to gain mana from people worshipping him so he can destroy the Earth. Lucifer is really the misunderstood good guy.
How original.
After this infodump we are informed that Peter and Paul are going to assassinate ‘Pontius Pilot’, and are sent to stop them, because Lilith is tired and don’t want to do it herself.
It's time for the final battle where we kill Jesus to save da wurld.
But oh no, it was all a 4D Chess move by Based Jesus. Lilith was put to sleep with a ‘sleeping potion’ (somehow), and Jesus is planning to finish her off.
As Based Jesus runs away there is a boss fight with Peter and Paul. The game encourages you to fly because ‘they can’t touch you when you are flying’.
This is a big fat lie. Peter and Paul’s magic orbs will still hit you while you’re flying, because Sean is a retard.
Running into Peter and Paul will also cause you to automatically start flying instead of attacking, because nothing in this fucking game makes sense.
And then in the middle of this the game crashed and I had to start over. GOOD FUCKING JOB!
After speedrunning back to this point, I managed to beat the Retard Twins. A cut scene plays where Judas gets stabbed and I’m told to go back to check on Lilith.
What a twist! Lilith is fucking dead. Based Jesus raped her and did a Mortal Kombat finishing move.
AND THEN HE LEFT A MOCKING LETTER, HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS BASED!
Jesus challenges Kalista to a showdown at the Mount of Olives. Due to the power of rage, Kalista unlocks the ability to fire ice beams after Based Jesus showcases Sean's complete lack of understanding of female anatomy (big fucking surprise).
"I bet you have a tight clit like your mother"
This is some of the greatest writing in a video game.
Unfortunately, what follows this absolute gem is perhaps the absolute worst boss fight I have ever seen in a game. Take the already annoying dragon fight, with the drunken brick controls, super-maneuverable boss, and overall bad design.
Now add projectile spam and REGENERATING BOSS HEALTH.
That’s right, Jesus regenerates his health. So unless you’re on his ass constantly (which is fucking impossible), every bit of damage you do to him gets healed.
The game also lies to you. It claims that the ice magic bullshit blocks the projectiles. It does not.
This is not a battle of skill. This is not a battle of wits. This isn’t even a battle of luck. It’s a battle of attrition, of seeing how much of this utter bullshit you can put up with.
After 10 attempts at this shit, I finally got a break and finished off Jesus.
My reward is a shitty cutscene where I get yeeted by an arrow and flee from Jesus’s goon squad. Kalista flies off and hides in the dead sea like a coward bitch baby, vowing vengeance on Jesus (who’s not dead because he’s too based to die).
We then get a teaser of the next episode.
So yes, there is more of this game to play through. I can only wonder just how bad it will be.
From what I've seen so far, I expect deep hurting.
I shit you not.
At some point I had run across this game, because I found a post of mine from 2016 discussing it in the Personal Lolcows thread. After that I, like pretty much everyone else, forgot about it. However, one fateful night, something in my subconscious (perhaps the squamous tentacle of Dread Cthulhu) dredged this up into a bizarre dream where I was trying to hunt down a copy of this game. For the first time in years, someone thought about this game.
I was a man possessed. This dream had sparked my curiosity. I searched the internet for information on this game. And lo, in the dankest depths of the Internet Archive, I found it.
Some madlad had uploaded it.
Prepare your anuses, for we are about to get a vista of vintage autism, wrapped in Cheetos dust and topped with the tipped fedora of Bush-years anti-Christianity.
This ain’t your average everyday resurrection.
This is, The Last Resurrection.
The game opens with an eye-searing 3D model of a succubus, angst-drenched red text, a pentagram selector, and music that I’m 100% sure is ripped from a Final Fantasy Game. These are the first things you will notice. The second is that this game does NOT pause if you tab out. Which means that you WILL accidently do something in game if you tab over to your notes.
It's telling that the model of the programmers waifu is the thing with the most effort put into it.
As soon as we start we get a taste of exactly what is to come.
This is the first ‘cutscene’, which introduces the character that I will refer to as “Based Jesus”.
Based Jesus don’t do none of that love your neighbor shit. See, Based Jesus is a man with a plan. A plan to take out the Romans and also Lilith and her little whore (I wonder who that could be).
When Judas starts backtalking him, Jesus yeets him with a fireball while calling him a liberal. I like this guy already.
Jesus goes into detail about his Evil Plan, which is to have Paul dress up as ‘Pontius Pilot’, so he can condem Jesus to death so that Jesus can ‘rise from the dead’. This will make everyone bow down to Jesus so he can get enough mana to cast magic missile or something.
After meeting the best character in the game, we are taken to the people the author intended us to root for. Lilith and the author’s OC Kalista. Lilith was Adam’s first wife who God thought was too uppity. Kalista is the author’s OC. While hanging out in the tombs on the edge of the city (because they’re goffek) they find Judas trying to kill himself with a poorly drawn rope.
After intervening in Judas’s anhero attempt, Judas informs our protagonists that Jesus has unleashed a dragon on the upper city.
Let me repeat that.
Jesus can summon dragons and make them do his bidding. What a fucking Chad!
This is the first segment of the game that isn’t a glorified slideshow, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s awful. ‘Attacking’ consists of awkwardly walking into enemies. Which damage you when you touch them. And your spear (I’m sorry, ‘partisan’) only has a couple of pixels that it actually effects. And because of your speed, it’s impossible to use any kind of precision. All of this adds up to a ‘combat’ system that consists of ramming into enemies and having a 50/50 chance of instantly dying.
Good fucking game mechanics.
We are quickly thrown into battle with the Jesus Dragon. The key to the battle is flying. As in, your character flies like a drunken brick and you need to awkwardly ram into the dragon. The dragon is much more manuverible than you, despite being much larger. I don’t know, chalk it up to Jesus magic.
This game has some of the worst combat I have ever seen. I know @Jaimas may dispute this, but the combat in this is uniquely painful. And not in the masochistic ‘hurt me harder Daddy FromSoft’ way, but in the ‘oh god will this fucking fight end already?’ The dragon isn’t the thing you’re fighting against. You’re fighting against the horrible controls so you can get this fucking thing over with.
Just to add salt to the wounds, Lilith flies around making chicken noises while a MIDI of a stolen Final Fantasy track blares. Which causes the game to freeze up whenever it loops.
After 10 minutes of annoying combat, the dragon is defeat and your winner. I also found all the Easter eggs, which means I get this amazing pop up.
Yes, I can download a MP3 of the bootleg Final Fantasy music by emailing Sean or going to his dead website. Good fucking Easter egg.
After beating the dragon you return to the tombs, where you get the TRUE and HONEST story of the bible (according to a teenage atheist who once played Shin Megami Tensei)
Basically God created everything because he was bored. Eventually he created Adam, and had him rape Lilith because evil. Apparently only humans having sex can create souls, and God can’t.
Because she got raped by Adam, God sent Lilith to Hell to be ‘torchered forever’. He also cursed Lilith’s soul to become a lusty hentai demon.
But wait, it was said just two slides ago that God can’t create human souls. But Lilith also apparently had a soul, despite being a creation of God? How incompetent of a writer do you have to be to break your own plot in two pages?
God eventually gets pissed that people are becoming pagans and sends the great flood to kill everyone.
And then this game gets really BASED on the Jewish Question.
God’s ultimate plan is to gain mana from people worshipping him so he can destroy the Earth. Lucifer is really the misunderstood good guy.
How original.
After this infodump we are informed that Peter and Paul are going to assassinate ‘Pontius Pilot’, and are sent to stop them, because Lilith is tired and don’t want to do it herself.
It's time for the final battle where we kill Jesus to save da wurld.
But oh no, it was all a 4D Chess move by Based Jesus. Lilith was put to sleep with a ‘sleeping potion’ (somehow), and Jesus is planning to finish her off.
As Based Jesus runs away there is a boss fight with Peter and Paul. The game encourages you to fly because ‘they can’t touch you when you are flying’.
This is a big fat lie. Peter and Paul’s magic orbs will still hit you while you’re flying, because Sean is a retard.
Running into Peter and Paul will also cause you to automatically start flying instead of attacking, because nothing in this fucking game makes sense.
And then in the middle of this the game crashed and I had to start over. GOOD FUCKING JOB!
After speedrunning back to this point, I managed to beat the Retard Twins. A cut scene plays where Judas gets stabbed and I’m told to go back to check on Lilith.
What a twist! Lilith is fucking dead. Based Jesus raped her and did a Mortal Kombat finishing move.
AND THEN HE LEFT A MOCKING LETTER, HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS BASED!
Jesus challenges Kalista to a showdown at the Mount of Olives. Due to the power of rage, Kalista unlocks the ability to fire ice beams after Based Jesus showcases Sean's complete lack of understanding of female anatomy (big fucking surprise).
"I bet you have a tight clit like your mother"
This is some of the greatest writing in a video game.Unfortunately, what follows this absolute gem is perhaps the absolute worst boss fight I have ever seen in a game. Take the already annoying dragon fight, with the drunken brick controls, super-maneuverable boss, and overall bad design.
Now add projectile spam and REGENERATING BOSS HEALTH.
That’s right, Jesus regenerates his health. So unless you’re on his ass constantly (which is fucking impossible), every bit of damage you do to him gets healed.
The game also lies to you. It claims that the ice magic bullshit blocks the projectiles. It does not.
This is not a battle of skill. This is not a battle of wits. This isn’t even a battle of luck. It’s a battle of attrition, of seeing how much of this utter bullshit you can put up with.
After 10 attempts at this shit, I finally got a break and finished off Jesus.
My reward is a shitty cutscene where I get yeeted by an arrow and flee from Jesus’s goon squad. Kalista flies off and hides in the dead sea like a coward bitch baby, vowing vengeance on Jesus (who’s not dead because he’s too based to die).
We then get a teaser of the next episode.
So yes, there is more of this game to play through. I can only wonder just how bad it will be.
From what I've seen so far, I expect deep hurting.
