Ranking lolcows based on if they could beat @Null in a fight - Subject to change

  • 🐕 I am attempting to get the site runnning as fast as possible. If you are experiencing slow page load times, please report it.
Jobama

Jobama

Ninibros…
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Mar 23, 2020
Here's my ranking of lolcows based on of they could beat @Null in a fight. This is based on the lolcows current state as of 2025. I didn't bother to put any women, troons, or anyone who is morbidly obese or has a serious physical disabilities because I assume that he would be able to beat all of them and i felt that it would be redundant to put them in. While Null may be fat and never exercises, he does stand a pretty good chance against most of the people in this list because they are also not in the best shape either. Here is the list with my justifications for each placement: tier list.webp
Would beat Null in a fight:
Ian Jomah
Despite his embarrising boxing record and being one of the most raped men alive, Ian is still in far better shape than null and has actual boxing training.

Bossmanjack
Due to going to prison multiple times and having both litteral and figurative crackhead energy, Bossman would have no trouble taking Null out.
Kingcobrajfs
Cobra knows real magic so he wouldn't even need to touch Null to beat him. He's also the only person on this list to have actually beaten someone up on camera.

Toss up:

Pirate Software
Null and Mald are both schlubby nerds so I don't think it's a pretty even matchup.
Patrick Tomlinson
Patrick and Null are both FAT so I think that either of them could win this.
Nick Fuentes
Nick is probably weaker than null however Nick isn't fat so I can't really decide who would win.
Would lose to Null:

Darksydephil
I think that if Phil and Null were the same age this matchup would be more even. However, I think Phil is too old now and would lost to Null.

Destiny
Destiny is very short and weak so I doubt that he would be able to beat Null in a fight.
Nick Rekieta
I think that Rekieta could have actually beaten Null when he was younger. However, Rekieta's health has drastically declined recently so I think that he would lost to Null now.

Ethan Ralph
Ralph is on the verge of death because of his substance abuse and is much fatter than Null. He's also lost multiple fights on camera.

Chris Chan.
Chris is in terrible shape and I think that he is fundimentaly an extremely weak person who would never be able to beat anyone in a fight.

Feel free to offer any suggestions or to add any other lolcows to this list.
 
  • Like
  • Thunk-Provoking
  • Winner
Reactions: RefurbishedApparatus, Hongourable Madisha, Caligura and 3 others
Cyraxx would lose to Null easily just like he lost easy to that other fat guy. Daniel Larson is a toss up because hiss stamina from walking ten miles per day while homeless must be insane and he can take one hell of a beating because he'd always be hitting himself in the face. Russell Greer would lose because he is too short and skinny and his head will be exposed constantly since he can't move his eyes much. David Stebbins has the sheer unrelenting mass plus the will to stab people so Null wouldn't stand a chance. Jonathan Yaniv is a toss up because he'd have to choose between clobbering Null in the head with a cane or falling over and crying so he can file a lawsuit. Leonard Persin would tear Null in half if he were still alive. Tophiachu is a tossup because even though she's a woman, her stink would incapacitate Null before the fight even started.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Hongourable Madisha and Guyspleasedontfight
Null could beat MovieBob. While he is moderately tall, he is so fat and pathetic he would probably be pissing himself during the entire scuffle. He also would kill Liz Fong-Jones, Keffals, or Russel Greer in a tard rage as soon as he lays eyes on any of them.
Null would get his ass beat by LowTierGod and Hasan Piker. I think an interesting fight would be Ethan Klein and Null as I think that could go either way, but he'd get exterminated against Hila.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
  • Agree
Reactions: Hongourable Madisha, Paradox Mystic, Guyspleasedontfight and 1 other person
Masao would put Josh in his oven...thingy, go "meh nehmenehmenemenemeneme NEH MEHNEMEMEH MENENENEMEHENEME", and Josh would come out an old man with a beard; because ovens are (basically) time machines. Then Masao would decapitate him with the katana he keeps under his sink garbage, sigh, wipe the blade on his pajama pants, and go sit on his toilet with the lights off. He would say "so...uh...that was weird," and resume pretending he's in a space ship, before the toilet suddenly crashes through the floor and you see that he was wearing a new hat.
 
  • Like
  • Winner
Reactions: Hongourable Madisha and Jobama
i don't think null would have much difficulty against maldavius figtree tbh
 
Null would destroy Eugenia Cooney, it would sound like driving over a gravel road with some popping and snapping. He could probably beat Metokur too if all the health horror stories are true, although I doubt Metokur is going anywhere without Jade around so it would be a 1v2.

Vegan Gains and Jackson Hinkle would probably destroy Null.

I'm not sure if Null could take Andy Warski maybe I'm too optimistic 🌈 about Warski's health so it could go either way.
 
  • Like
  • Informative
Reactions: Marc and NoodleFucker3000
  • Null would lose to tophia cause shes a black woman and shes a deathfat that can actually walk
  • Null would win against Ellen cause shes canadian
  • Null would be a mix up against zoey due to being from flordia and bpd rage
  • Null would be a 50/50 against andrew ditch it depends on him either being Baby andy (buse me) or weather man at the moment
  • Null would win against datsmojo cause null actually has money
  • Null would win against gabriel gage cause hes lazy and short
  • Null would unfortunately lose to tectone due to being from texas and working out
 
  • Null would win against Elliot Ching-Chong Jones because Null outweighs him like 2:1 and Elliot would screech and flail like a girl
  • Null would win against Tranniv as long as weapons are allowed and Tranniv can't escape on his Scootypuff
 
I think Null could take that troon wrestler Joey who thirst traps and calls himself the protagonist of pro wrestling.
 
Wings of Redemption subsists entirely off of malnutritious banquet slop, and is basically middle age. DSP is similar
@Miss Tommie Jayne Wasserberg is a rotting old man
Jim Sterling has some wrestling knowledge, but I can't imagine that would translate well to a real fight, and he's fat and estrogenized, so it's a toss-up Never mind he has back problems recently. Kidd Bandit probably would do better since he's not fat.
Null is on Alex Hogendorp's list
Sam Hyde is probably the most physically imposing person with a thread here
 
Destiny I think should qualify as a toss up for the same reason as Nick Fuentes. Patrick Tomlinson is out of shape and the same age as Phil so he definitely could not beat Null.
 
I know he died last year God rest his soul but....
Fat fucking Lenny huh Null? FAT FUCKING LENNY?
Screenshot 2025-07-19 12.09.10 AM.webp
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back