Hello, Everyone. I am reaching out to get input on finding some way to fix a fairly intense mess I am in, which is totally of my own making. My relationship–which is deeply important to me–is built on a huge lie, and I am terrified that everything is going to blow up in my face. Please try to be constructive and understanding, and know that any bigotry or transphobia will not be tolerated. Warning, this is long.
Basically, I’ve been lying to my boyfriend about being a trans woman, when I am actually a cis woman. I know this sounds horrible, because it is, but it’s also complicated.
I (23F) am an American who has recently finished a master’s degree at Cambridge, and I am originally from the Southern United States (Deep South, but I grew up in a big city). I am currently trying to find a job here in the UK, as I am dating a British guy (23M) I met here and I want to stay close to him. He is…incredible, and everything you could want in a man. Tall (6’5!), striking eyes, killer accent, amazing jawline, and very very fit (he rowed for his college). Very into art and theatre, and dresses well. Most importantly, he has a wicked sense of humor and is very, very kind. (cue weak knees) He treats me like a queen and I honestly think I am in love with him.
What I most appreciate about him is his openness to discussing any topic with humility and open-mindedness, including the issues that face our society such as racism, transphobia, homophobia, misogyny/mysogynoir, and ableism. He comes from a middle class family, but his dad was working class and I think his dad’s experiences and the conversations around BLM and #MeToo made him realize that he needs to be a part of the solution. I was very involved in social justice work as an undergrad in the US, so this was very important to me.
Even though we were both masters students at Cambridge, we met at a film festival in London where a friend of mine from undergrad was showcasing a short film on queer cinematic history. I noticed him during the afterparty, where I could tell he was a little uncomfortable as the one of the few straight men in a queer space where he didn’t know many people (he was basically attached at the hip to his own film-making friend from his home town, who also had a film showing and whom he had come to support). I noticed that he eyed me at the bar and I decided to be brave and strike up a conversation.
Lo and behold, we hit it off and we spent a large portion of the night talking about film, art, and trading bad jokes (in other words, lots of flirting). He spoke very appreciatively of my friend’s film and made several references to queer culture (a straight man that knows Sophie? Cmon y’all!) When he asked how I knew one of the filmmakers, I told him that my friend and I met through queer and trans activism on campus in undergrad (which is true). He noticed my trans flag pin and asked if we were dating (in a sweet and respectful way!), but–in a move I very much regret–I made a stupid decision in that moment and lied. “Oh no, we’re both trans and just friends.”
A little backstory: The issue is complicated, as I have been lying about being trans for a while. I don’t want to go into too much detail, as my last attempt to discuss this on reddit was a mess, but my (trans) friend was harassed at a bar in undergrad and I claimed that I was trans too when I defended her. This became a pattern due to other incidents and I basically became known as a trans activist on campus–a persona I defaulted to more and more (and enjoyed, if I am being honest) as I felt passionate about advocating against what was often blatant and open transphobia. I told people that I was able to get HRT when I was young and was able to get SRS after graduating high school. I know now that this is wrong and that claiming to be trans when I am not is horrible on many levels, even though at the time my trans friend told me she supported this as I was doing it to back her up when she would get awful comments during nights out. I took a long break from reddit after realizing how messed up this was.
The issue is that this lie became such a huge part of the facade I wore during undergrad that it’s now a part of my default identity. I told myself that moving to the UK would mean a fresh start, but I was too tempted to claim a culture and a community that wasn’t mine in that moment at the bar. He was kinda surprised but accepted my story, as I am taller (5’10) and not a waif (I played volleyball). We added each other on instagram that night and kept chatting.
We eventually began hanging out more at Cambridge and met up for coffee several times. He asked me a lot of questions about being trans, which I was able to answer by pulling details from the lives of my trans friends and things I had learned while volunteering during undergrad. It was honestly sick, but a messed up part of me began thinking that he was more interested in me because I was “trans.” I have a big personality and enjoy going out, and he started joining me. One thing led to another, and we began hooking up. He was surprised that my body looked just like a cis woman’s, and the only thing I feel somewhat ok about is that perhaps I helped remove the stigma a bit about SRS and post-op trans womens genitals vs cis. Otherwise, as we began getting more serious, I felt worse and worse about the lie but I saw no way to tell the truth without losing him. He’s told his family and a few of his friends that he is dating a trans woman (which I didn’t find out until later), and he had to have some difficult conversations because of it. He even stopped talking to a friend who was transphobic. While he’s incredible for this, know that it’s based on a lie just makes me feel worse. He’s lectured people who have told him that they would have never guessed that I am trans that this is a transphobic thing to say (which it is), but I am afraid that this means the truth would humiliate him.
I haven’t met his family yet and I am dreading doing so. I was and still am very humiliated. Meeting his family is going to be a huge, serious step, and he wants to do this soon. My parents might also be visiting me in October and I am worried that he might find out somehow.
We are now seriously considering moving in together if we can find a place and if I can get a job. So far, I have held this facade together but I am constantly worried that I will get clocked by someone who is actually trans for lying (we went to Trans Pride London together and I wore a mask the whole time). Even writing this is giving me a knot in my stomach, and I hate that I might lose someone whom I am otherwise able to be totally vulnerable and free with. I deeply care about him, and I feel trapped and a deep, dark hole. I know I have messed up. Any advice about how to even begin would be very appreciated. How do I even begin this conversation? If doesn’t cut me out of his life immediately, how do I begin rebuilding trust? Furthermore, I need to figure out how actually be a real ally that doesn’t involve all of this lying. I know I am the biggest hypocrite and that what I am doing is hurting more than just him.
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