My best friend T (30M) and I (32F) have known each other for about 10 years now. We met through mutuals, and shortly after our friendship took hold I went through a very traumatic event in my life as I was assaulted by my ex boyfriend, he went to jail for it and my life was in shambles. I was a broken human being, and T was there for me. Held my head up when all I wanted to do was die. Got me through some of the darkest days of my life.
Fast forward to about 2 or 3 years ago T confided in me that when we met, the reason he started talking to me more in the first place is because he overheard me telling a friend of ours about an argument I had with a co-worker involving trans rights, basically I told the co-worker to stop being an asshole. I don’t even remember this happening, but it stood out to T apparently. He was drawn to my compassion for the community. And after telling me that, he told me he enjoys cross dressing.
I had no idea, but was like “oh cool so are you trans? Gay? What do I call you? What’s your shoe size?” And he said “no I just like to cross dress is all. I like high heels” so I said slay and went about our business. That was it. Now I’m not a girly woman by any means. I don’t know how to coordinate an outfit. I don’t know what shoes work with what ponytail. I’m not the one to go to for that type of stuff. See what I’m saying? I just exist in my band shirts and skinny jeans.
But ever since he came out to me, our friendship has absolutely deteriorated. He constantly digs for reassurance from me. He needs to hear me say, or read a text, that I support him. How many times do I really need to repeat myself? Really?? We often fight, him telling me I’m going to change my mind about trans people some day (he told me he isn’t trans, mind you. So I stay confused). That I am susceptible to propaganda from media I don’t even consume. Deep in my heart I must hate him, that he probably disgusts me. This always comes out SO RANDOMLY. I get blind sided.
My issue is- in my world actions mean a hell of a lot. I’ve bought him so much stuff to wear. I’ve watched as he does his fashion shows, I’ve advocated for him to be himself in front of our other friends as well. And yet… when he is feeling insecure he lashes at me. I constantly feel like I am under attack, or under a microscope, while I’m just existing in this life. I’m tired of defending myself out of the blue all the time.
I can’t be responsible for his emotional wellbeing at every turn. When he hears of new executive orders, or trans in sports drama, or some project 2025 thing, I don’t want to be the punching bag for it. I would Ann frank him in my attic if I had to. I do not associate with any political party, I tend to be anti government if anything. In my heart I know what’s right and I’ve always stayed true. I’ve ALWAYS supported the LGBT++ community. So why am I the one that constantly takes the lashing from him? He always follows the barrage of accusations with profuse apologies, that I’m doing nothing wrong etc.
But truthfully I wish he never told me. We were the best of friends and now there is nothing but tension and fear. I don’t want to be around him anymore. I don’t want to talk to him anymore. I am not a bad person. I have never carried hate in my heart (except for pedophiles, rapists, nazis. You know the type) but so often he makes me feel like I’ve been wrong about myself. That somehow I do have a deep flaw within myself that I’m unaware of. I never want to go through this again. I never want someone to come out to me again. I have been miserable and although I thought this would be a beautiful thing for us, this has been an awful experience from the jump and I’m done.
I
