Hello, I (M48/single father) have a daughter (AMAB, F15) who trys her absolute hardest to hide that she is transgender from me.
She lives with me, and visits her mom on the weekend. I began noticing signs that she was exploring something in her identity at 14.
I'd notice sometimes female clothes lying around her room, her nails were painted, she had a lot of lgbtq+ charms and bracelets, etc.
I never said anything about it, because it never bothered me. But what did bother me was how hard she was trying to hide these things from me.
A few days ago, I knock on her door to ask her a favor, and all you hear is shuffling, dressers being slammed, and manic footsteps. It was pretty funny to see her peek her head out with rubbed eyeliner on that she assumed was off.
I pointed it out to her and she said "I was trying to have that rockstar style look."
LOOL! Yeah right! But I didn't push it.
At one point, there was even time I walked into her room without knocking since it wasn't really shut all the way, and it's like I'm looking at a whole different person.
I don't know how you transgenders do it, but you sure are good at it.
She basically had makeup on with a wig on, and wearing girl clothes that I won't describe.
"[Name] is that you?" I said to try and be funny
"Haha, yeah, I'm just cosplaying, I'll take it off." Is what she replied back with.
I told her I don't care and continued on about asking her to do be another favor.
After that, she comes out her room, out of the wig, and clothes. So I just shrug it off.
It's the day I drop her off at her mom's, and her mom and I are having a conversation and I ask if she notices how our child crossdresses and she just says "She's transgender, she didnt tell you? She told me that months ago."
I'll admit that stung. Because I feel like, I am a great father to her. I never once showed any sort of hatred towards any race, gender, or sexuality, so I have no clue why she didn't feel comfortable telling me that but told her mom that.
So I'm positive about it, and said I'd ask her about it.
So she comes back, and I talk to her.
I ask if she's trans, and what I should call her. But she started laughing and cutting me off, saying stuff like "No, I'm not trans, that's weird" and "I'm just doing things for tiktoks and stuff."
She even said that her mom was lying, stating: "mom doesnt know what she's talking about" and whatnot.
So I just back off. I can't read her mind. I told her mom about it and her mom swore up and down that's what she said. They had a deep conversation about it, and she ended up in tears about it from being so happy. She's the one who got her the girl clothes. She's the one that got her the makeup and wig! She even showed me a photo of them together at a park, where she looked like the girliest girl I've ever seen.
It made me want to cry
My daughter still is outgoing with me. She's not the type to be shy. She obviously doesn't HATE me or so I believe.
The next time she sees her mother next Friday, her mother told me that she would try to convince her to come out to me, but I really don't want that, I want her to do it herself without feeling forced.
Did I do something wrong?? Is coming out to Dad's more scarier than moms or something?
No, there's been no abuse history, no violent history, verbal abuse. Again, I personally believe I was a good father to her, and she clearly enjoys me, but I don't know why she's afraid specifically to come out to me.
How can I without feeling like a burden and intruding?