I was tricked
I'm not even sure why I'm posting, I guess I want to vent and I dont want to talk to anyone I know because I dont want to risk her safety. I wont out her to anyone because I dont hate her and I wouldnt wish violence on her. I loved her. I'm going to use female pronouns because I've only ever known her as female and using Male pronouns would feel foreign and wrong. Sorry if that offends anyone, I just cant bring myself to see her as a man. I started dating a girl just over 2 years ago, I'll call her Poppy although that isnt her real name. Me and Poppy really hit it off at a party, and I'm not the kind of guy who hits on girls for sex. We went back to my place and played board games until 5am when I called her an uber. Nothing sexual happened that night. After that we met a few times and officially started dating, she said she liked the way I didnt see her as an object. I felt sad that many women are made to feel that way. I loved her eyes and her smile though. She's got perfect olive skin and these amazing green eyes. I thought she was gorgeous. Anyway I was an alcoholic at the time. I've been sober for 3 months and the sobriety has been a turning point in my life. See, we became sexual after 5 months of dating. I would always be drunk, it would always be in the dark. I was so wasted in this period of my life that I dont remember large portions of what went on. But I was in love for the first time in my life. All I could think about was Poppy. The sex wasnt logistically amazing as I could never get all the way inside of her. It was mildly frustrating but whatever, I wasnt with her for the sex and there are many other ways to have sex besides penis in vagina. We satisfied eachother but she never let me go down on her. I love to give oral to girls because I can feel how wet it gets them and I find it the easiest way to make a girl orgasm. I was disappointed that she wasnt into that, but again whatever that's no deal breaker for me. I just wanted to make her cum. We fell out one day because I asked her if she faked orgasms with me. I told her she doesnt need to do that and I'll just stop whenever she asks me to stop. She denied ever faking and told me I always made her cum, but I felt there was no evidence of her cumming. No contractions or anything like that. I asked why it always had to be dark and under the sheets, she told me I was making her uncomfortable so I shut up and avoided mentioning it again. We still had a happy relationship, we would talk for hours and do stupid shit like build pillow forts and bake horrible cakes. It was good but deep down it wasnt good because I was always drunk and she was always a little secretive. I worried at one point that she was cheating but kept my mouth shut as honestly, I didnt want to lose her. I was in love. I'm a straight guy, I'm 5'10 and very skinny with self harm scars all over my body and a moderate to severe stutter so as you can imagine I'm pretty insecure. Poppy is 5'5 with gorgeous brown hair, an athletic body, an aesthetically pleasing pair of breasts and a beautiful face. Why wouldnt she cheat on me? I felt so inferior. Anyway I lost a family member to suicide fuelled by alcoholism, and that was the kick up the ass I needed to sober up. I did rehab and changed my life around. That's when I started to notice things. Poppy kept her pubes neat but bushy, which I have no issue with as pubic hair isnt a turn on or a turn off for me, but she shaved everything else below the eyebrows on her body, so why leave such a large bush? Again not a problem with that at all but it seemed curious to me. Secondly was when I touched her down there it felt strange. Sorta rubbery and not very wet on the inside, and it was quite open like almost gaping. I get that vaginas come in all shapes and sizes and I dont have a problem with vagina diversity, but there was something 'off' about it which i couldnt pinpoint. She never got wet like any other girl I'd been with, even though she said she was turned on and ready, it never felt moist and she always had to use lube. Well last week it all fell apart. We live separately but spend alot of time at each others flats. I'd been at hers a few days and she asked me to get the car keys whilst she packed up the car ready for our trip to the beach. I always keep my keys in my sock drawer and I sleepily opened hers up forgetting I wasnt at my own flat. There was what looked like dildos, but very basic ugly ones. Like those bullet vibes you get but HUGE. I sorta chuckled at the fact she must be playing with herself a lot, as she does have a tendency to sneak off into the bathroom for a couple of 'showers' per day. But then I actually looked at them and thought these cant be fun they're so ugly and medical looking and shes never mentioned herself using sex toys in our entire relationship, despite us being very open with eachother.
Then I had this moment where everything hit me and I stepped back and uttered 'no no no' and then sat on the bed whilst a wave of realization and evidence hit me. She eventually came back in to check what was taking so long, saw the opened drawer and exposed 'dildos' and she just dropped to the floor. I've never been quite so ashamed and embarrassed in my entire life. They were dilators. She never got wet because she physically couldnt. I dont hate her. We talked and I said I couldnt be with her anymore. Not because of who she was, but because she'd genuinely intended to never tell me. She said it's her past and I have no right to know. I got in my car and drove back to my flat.
I feel fucking disgusting and beyond stupid. My drunk woozy mind missed EVERY warning sign and each thing I noticed, I dismissed with the fact that every vagina is so different and no two are the same. But that wasnt a vagina. She told me days after we split that she had colon inside her, that she could barely feel sex but the gender euphoria alone could make her cum. She said if I wasnt so transphobic we could have lived a happy life together and got married. I'm not transphobic. I dont give a fuck what you do or who you are tbh I barely give it a second thought, but the fact she lied to me for YEARS. We even discussed having kids together and she talked about her fears of pregnancy, but she said with me by her side she would get through it.
I'm at a point now where I havent really left my room in days, I never want to have sex again, and i never want another relationship. I am so stupid and I deserve all of this regret for being ignorant and pathetic. I feel this is the only sub I can post this on, I'm going to have to tell my mum, that me and Poppy split, within the next few days and no doubt she will ask me why. I'm straight. I never wanted to fuck a man and I'm not calling her a man but she certainly isnt a normal women. I looked past her differences because I was in love so sex was no biggy. I thought I'd found my queen but it's all been thrown back in my face. I couldnt be more ashamed if I tried and I guess I'm writing this as a warning. Ask for childhood pictures or something, dont be like me, dont intoxicate yourself to the point of not being able to tell the difference between a real vagina and a man made one. I'll never live down the fact that I've fucked a literal penis. Sorry for the self pity fest, just needed to get this out and I cant tell any of my friends as they know her and none of them know shes trans. I wont do that to her, I dont want any more drama I just want to forget this all happened. I'm so close to turning back to alcohol just to drown out my shame. I feel filthy and disgusting and utterly heartbroken. Thanks for reading
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