Careercow Robert Chipman / Bob / Moviebob / "Movieblob" - Middle-Aged Consoomer, CWC with a Thesaurus, Ardent Male Feminist and Superior Futurist, the Twice-Fired, the Mario-Worshipper, publicly dismantled by Hot Dog Girl, now a diabetic

[Shield Breaker]

Spoiler: This almost seems like low hanging fruit at this point

View attachment 1081910
Yes.

Do you think he's ever pestered his brother to dress up like Luigi?

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

Do you think he's ever pestered his brother to dress up like Luigi?

Who knows? Though considering how much Mario shaped Bob's childhood (he wrote an entire book about it comparing it to Vietnam), it wouldn't be surprising if he did.

 

[XtrmGamr719]

Spoiler: This almost seems like low hanging fruit at this point

View attachment 1081910
Yes.

We honestly should get new material for Bob's bullshit, even he knows that we're being childish in bringing up old stuff. Even if they are still relevant to it.

 

[Sir Wesley Tailpipe]

Do you think he's ever pestered his brother to dress up like Luigi?

More importantly, how many hookers have refused his offers to dress up as Princess Peach?

 

[Jetpack Himmler]

And Joker isn't on it because "It isn't actually that good and in a couple of years you'll figure that out too." Also he compares it to The Boondock Saints calling it a "Super edgy but ultimately shallow movie" that doesn't hold up at all.

Joker has a much higher chance of being recognized as a culturally significant film by the Library of Congress than his beloved Black Panther. When you strip BP of its Disney-fied African trappings, it's just your bog standard capeshit film where two men in fur suits fight in a mine during the film's climax. Hell, it's laughable that he believes that Joker is an "edgy" film when the violence in it is limited to a few scenes. I suspect that Bob hates Joker because it is a) an ACTUAL contender for an Oscar (not that it really matters) whereas Black Panther was only a token nomination, and b) it challenges his simplistic worldview. His smooth brain cannot even grasp at its nuance so he simply dismisses and goes back to pablum like Godzilla: King of the Monsters.

(I don't hate KoM, but it's far from the best film of 2019.)

 

[Slowboat to China]

This has probably been answered before, and I apologize if I'm overlooking it, but does anyone know if Bob has ever left the country before? Or even the east side of it? More than ever, his views seem really ... well ... parochial.

Not that travel equals instant brain boost, but this smug sperging and absolute certainty smack of someone who has never been out of his comfort zone, or even his back yard. If nothing else, getting lost in a foreign country for an afternoon might force him to look up from his phone for once--if only because he can't get a signal.

 

[andr0id psycho sho(ker]

This has probably been answered before, and I apologize if I'm overlooking it, but does anyone know if Bob has ever left the country before? Or even the east side of it? More than ever, his views seem really ... well ... parochial.

Not that travel equals instant brain boost, but this smug sperging and absolute certainty smack of someone who has never been out of his comfort zone, or even his back yard. If nothing else, getting lost in a foreign country for an afternoon might force him to look up from his phone for once--if only because he can't get a signal.

I believe he went to Mexico for a wedding of some kind. Unsurprisingly, he spent most of it on his phone

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

This has probably been answered before, and I apologize if I'm overlooking it, but does anyone know if Bob has ever left the country before? Or even the east side of it? More than ever, his views seem really ... well ... parochial.

Not that travel equals instant brain boost, but this smug sperging and absolute certainty smack of someone who has never been out of his comfort zone, or even his back yard. If nothing else, getting lost in a foreign country for an afternoon might force him to look up from his phone for once--if only because he can't get a signal.

He's gone to California for conventions and to Mexico for a wedding, which he spent hunched over on his phone tweeting.

 

[Leonard Helplessness]

More importantly, how many hookers have refused his offers to dress up as Princess Peach?

I think you may have just cracked an old, old internet case.

We've uncovered the identity of the Super Mario Hotel Sex Craigslist Guy.

 

[King Dead]

He starts by saying Endgame isn't on it because it's not a top 15 list, Irishman isn't on because "It's just not. It's was great just wouldn't have made my list because it just didn't really grab me the way some other stuff did. Same basic answer for Star Wars (rise of skywalker)." And Joker isn't on it because "It isn't actually that good and in a couple of years you'll figure that out too." Also he compares it to The Boondock Saints calling it a "Super edgy but ultimately shallow movie" that doesn't hold up at all.

10. Parasite
9. The Wandering Earth (From china of course)
8. Knives Out
7. Uncut Gems
6. The Lighthouse
5. Shazam
4. Ford v Farrari
3. Little Women
2. Doctor Sleep
1. Godzilla King of Monsters

Thanks for suffering on our behalf.

Spoiler: thoughts on this dumb list

It's interesting how the bottom half of his top 10 actually has a few great movies, but then the top half is mostly schlock. Haven't seen Uncut Gems yet, but I've heard good things about it and want to see it if I get a chance. Parasite and The Lighthouse are legitimately two of the best movies that came out this year (to the point where I'd almost hazard a guess Blobbo didn't see either and is just parroting), and even if you hate Rian for TLJ, Knives Out is apparently alright (although I also didn't see it because fuck Rian). Of course he throws in a China movie because gotta pander to Chairman Pooh.

But then his top five...I don't get it. I loved Shazam myself because it was good to see a superhero movie that actually wasn't taking itself seriously for a change, but I sure as shit wouldn't rank it above actual cinematic accomplishments. Ford vs. Ferrari is a standard sorta "American ingenuity beats out the competition" movie from what I gather, enjoyable enough.

And then the top three...yet another adaptation of a 19th century novel, a pretty widely-panned Stephen King adaptation, and a CGI kaiju smackdown? Are you fucking serious, Blobbo? You're honestly going to claim that an American Godzilla movie is the best film of the year? I liked it, but shit, it was far from the best movie I saw this year.

Says a lot about Bob's tastes when original movies with new ideas or fresh takes (Parasite, Uncut Gems, The Lighthouse, even Joker) rank lower in his mind than endless regurgitation of the same formulaic properties. ConsoomerBob is no meme, he is 100% real.

And because I hate myself, here's his "The Movies of the Decade" list. He said at the beginning that he didn't mean this to be strictly movies he personally enjoyed or movies he saw were "culturally important", so it's a mix of the two.

11. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (Only the first 4-5 minutes)
10. The Tree of Life
9. The 13th
8. Spider-man into the Spiderverse
7. Black Panther
6. Shin Godzilla
5. Mad Max Fury Road
4. Carol
3. Get Out
2. Star Wars: The Last Jedi
1. The Avengers

Again, thank you for your service.

Spoiler: thoughts on this other dumb list

First off, Bob, if you're gonna make any kind of list, you should probably have some sort of strict criteria so that people know how you're comparing things. Either make a list of movies you consider culturally important or make a list of your favorites, don't confuse your braindead audience further by mixing the two.

Surprising no one, three on his top 11(?) are capeshit. Of those, Avengers could maybe be considered impactful in that it essentially proved that the Marvel formula could work in a big team-up movie, thus ensuring the MCU juggernaut would go on until the heat death of the universe. Spiderverse was certainly visually interesting, so I can see that being a fave, but certainly not culturally important. And fucking lol that he's still shilling for Black Panther, the movie that basically everyone forgot about because it's literally the same as every other formulaic MCU movie.

Speaking of black people, gotta get in that "I'm not racist" cred by throwing two more black movies in, a Netflix prison documentary (13th) and Get Out. I dunno about you, but my takeaway from the latter was that positive racism is still racism, and that liberals' fetish for black people is pretty fucking creepy. Way to continue the stereotype, Blobbo.

It's also telling that the only international movie on his list is a fucking Godzilla movie. We get it, you like watching the big monsters smash stuff, probably because you wish you could do the same to all your old bullies (or "bullies," as the case may be).

I saw Valerian. I could not tell you what the fuck it was about. Everything about it has completely left my mind. I'm guessing it's on his list because something something Superior Future™.

No pretentious movie snob list is complete without some navel gazing, so yeah, let's throw in a Terrence Malick film and a movie about lesbians, totally not exposing your basic bitch fetish to the world! Also bad look picking a movie produced by the Weinstein Company, that's gonna get you some oofs and yikes from the mentally-stunted bluechecks.

And finally, of course he would put TLJ on his movies of the decade list, because he just can't stop inhaling his own farts about "subverting expectations" and "you just don't get it" and "it's too smart for you" and so on. Running around destroying everything that came before you and claiming it's actually super smart doesn't make you a genius, it makes you a childish prick. Then again, that basic sort of spiteful vengeance is pretty much Bob's modus operandi, so it makes sense that he'd be slobbering Rian's knob.

Bob, I can't believe you actually get paid for this drivel. For a supposed movie critic, you are horrible at your job. But that's a redundant sentiment around here, considering we've got over 2000 pages with plenty of garbage takes throughout.

 

[Rei is shit]

What does bob see when he looks in the mirror?


I don't think he can name more than 3 axis nations


Billion dollar idea that will once again be passed on by hollywood


uhhhh


Pro writer tips (affect)


Unsurprisingly he ignored every reply asking him how to do this


TERRY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Quixotic Man]

Holy fuck. How can Bob, Mr. Superior Secular Cosmopolitan Open Future, possibly think that America has the moral low groud to the Islamic Republic of Iran. How could Bob think a literal theocracy is less of a threat to his superior future than middle America?

If Bob wants to starve out mayo ghouls until they get reeducated, he should be calling for much more for Iran.

 

[Imperial Citizen]

I don't think he can name more than 3 axis nations
View attachment 1082316

So Robert thinks Israel is a part of the axis. Way to put that diabetic foot in your mouth.

 

[The tired cat]

So Robert thinks Israel is a part of the axis. Way to put that diabetic foot in your mouth.

I mean, he is part of a group that have been told to fuck off when they compare ICE to the SS and the whole "Its like the Holocaust maaaan!!"

 

[Godzilla@1989]

So Robert thinks Israel is a part of the axis. Way to put that diabetic foot in your mouth.

Apparently he thinks Germany, Italy, and Japan were fine people.

 

[The tired cat]

Apparently he thinks Germany, Italy, and Japan were fine people.

Ye, you know what with Germany experimenting on all "Untermenschen" which I can see being Bobo wet dream of how that fate falls the people who aren't allowed to be in his perfect future.

 

[Jetpack Himmler]

This has probably been answered before, and I apologize if I'm overlooking it, but does anyone know if Bob has ever left the country before? Or even the east side of it? More than ever, his views seem really ... well ... parochial.

Not that travel equals instant brain boost, but this smug sperging and absolute certainty smack of someone who has never been out of his comfort zone, or even his back yard. If nothing else, getting lost in a foreign country for an afternoon might force him to look up from his phone for once--if only because he can't get a signal.

I also believe that he attended a convention in Toronto last year, and went to the emergency room for "exhaustion."

Holy fuck. How can Bob, Mr. Superior Secular Cosmopolitan Open Future, possibly think that America has the moral low groud to the Islamic Republic of Iran. How could Bob think a literal theocracy is less of a threat to his superior future than middle America?

If Bob wants to starve out mayo ghouls until they get reeducated, he should be calling for much more for Iran.

It amazes me how Bob would side with a theocracy that hangs its homosexuals from cranes. Plus, it's a sure bet that he's unaware of Iran's involvement Syria, where they supported the Assad regime that Bob's contemporaries wanted deposed. Does he even have the slightest inkling of how Iran's neighbors hate the regime's guts? (Of course not, his knowledge of geopolitics is as feeble as his knowledge on anything.)

 

[Imperial Citizen]

Apparently he thinks Germany, Italy, and Japan were fine people.

The Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere does sound like a phrase Robert would write in a tweet.

 

[Stock Photo James]

Apparently he thinks Germany, Italy, and Japan were fine people.

Bob has no ideology, it's just childhood and high school grudges coalesced into something resembling one. He would endorse Hitler wholesale if someone was to convince him he was a poor nerd abused and misled by fratboys like Churchill or... Roosevelt the wheelchair guy.

 

[Oh Long Johnson]

TERRY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yeah, Robert, that's quite a loss.

Spoiler