Shroot
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2025
Sorry shiwi gang. I don'f want to be a kuzburger and I'll be taking this as a sign for another hiatus. But trying my best not to powerlevel too much I will provide some context.
I am 5'10 and androgynous looking. I've always leaned to a tomboy type and grew more with my father than my mother. My mother didn't like me for not being very feminine, she favored my brothers more than me. So I felt inadquate and wished I was perfect in her eyes, aka a boy. I never spent much time with girls my age so when puberty came I couldn't fit in anywhere. I preferred hanging out with the boys but due to the fact that I'm a girl and they're hormonal at that age, they act weird and I always felt like I'm being singled and left out in a very bad way. Other girls didn't like me either. In retrospect I unintentionally acted like a pick me girl, but still they were ruthless in dragging my social rep to the ground to the point of depression. Became shut in, long story short got groomed. Relationship with my mom got worse, got closer with dad. Got support I needed by suicide baiting because my mom didn't believe my depression.
Used the opportunity to move to another school to make a male identity, which officially ended my relationship with my mother. From now on she's like a strong persistent stench of shit that lingered around my life and I had to deal with it. So I cut my hair short, tried to look like a pretty boy. Shit still sucked. I was limited in my options, always wore a fake mask that I insisted was my identity, had to improvise for certain situations like washrooms and biological functions.
High School ending was the best day of my life. Nowadays I'm still desperate to fit in, still hanging out with men. Now also afraid of them. The only time I could ever truly feel confortable in my own skin is when I'm with my father. Family reunions are still bad because my mother is still around. Still nagging and making me aware of my inadquacies in her eyes.
That's it. Thanks for the concerns. I'm a paranoid isolationist having trouble being content with who I actually am because I wished my mother loved me and never gave up on me.