I come to you today to explain some things. You know that there is a huge effort made on TMNF/TMUF to ensure the legitimacy of the records on the official maps from Nadeo. And although I was not quoted, I have my part of responsibility. And you see where I'm going with this message : the real human record of A01 is not 23.83. Most of the cheats on TM are meant to slow down the time. I wasn't interested in that. On the other hand, I found a real interest in the macros allowing to keep one or several angles. The speed drift could be automated (kinda, because the macro doesn't synchronize well with TM so it always gave different results). Hence this message.
What was the use of it?
The macro allowed me to be regu 480 speed (±1) at CP-2. And to say that sounds even more stupid because it was something I’m able to do. The cheat didn't allow me to do better qualitatively, but it allowed me to be more consistent. Kinda because I was very inconsistent for the downhill : 15.63 CP-1 ≈1/300 runs or so. A very good turn: ≈1/4. The 480 SD : ≈1/20 or so. Then the climb: ≈2/3. No bug on landing ≈5/6. That’s some crazy WR probabilities. But that's the rules I failed to respect. (Stats from April 2020).
But why ?
Those who follow me a bit know, I've never been so obsessed in my life. A01 owned me. The ≈1000h i spent on it isn’t a lie. I feel stupid to say those things, but A01 was all I could think about. I had dreams and nightmares about A01. I won't detail, but for several months I left a very large part of my personal life for A01. It sounds silly but I was blocked. I was absolutely stuck. I told myself that if I did a time that I could be satisfied with, everything would be better. But what is a satisfying time ? .85 ? .84 ? .83 ? None of that ; I guess if I had done 23.80 I would have just stopped being disappointed. I didn't want to cheat anyone, lie to anyone, or disappoint anyone ; I was trapped into some stupid idea of perfection. You can’t imagine how deeply sorry i am.
Do I regret it ?
Of course I regret what I did, bringing me here. But I was so helpless that it was that or...? Lack of self-discipline or real obsession, you choose, but I was absolutely unable to stop. My sanity took too much. I regretted it from the start but kept going, stuck. If there was a TAS on trackmania, I would have been a TASer rather than a player : I’ve almost never played TM with the goal of being first. The idea (and for those who know me a bit I think it's quite obvious) is to reach a semblance of perfection : a limit. But as you can imagine, limits are humanly impossible to reach. And on 99% of the maps I can say to myself "ok it's good, it's pretty good, we're happy", but A01 literally broke my brain and it was unimaginable to have this state of mind. I think psychologically the most important thing to grasp is that there is a clear and brutal separation between a "perfection drive" (call it as you want), and guilt ; I was leaning towards one, sometimes the other. Alternating obsession for TM, and panic attacks.
And without a macro ?
Believe it or not my record without macro is 23.84, done 4 months later :
https://twitter.com/trabadiaTM/status/1321957564695957509?s=20. Very happy, and very ashamed at the same time, I alt+F4’ed. I'm repeating myself, but I'm really trying to describe here the mental state I was in. I didn't want to think that maybe I should keep a wr legit just in case. The denial has been building for several months now. I didn't even liked playing A01 again but I was too tempted, by I don't know what. The 25th of May i deleted my 23.83 autosave and I quickly redo 23.86 to prove to myself that I technically worth something. Clarification #1: on this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL1Jw11mJag ≈1/3 of the replays are with macro. The best time without macro is 23.85. Clarification #2: yes, I often use the circle deathzone technique (move the joystick up rather than back to the right). Like here :
https://youtu.be/FqGMrPkbSVQ?t=16. The time is not great but it shows exactly how I s4d with this technique.
Narcissism ?
The question is legitimate. Despite of all that was produced around A01, and all this "hype" I don't think I did it by narcissism. The goal was not to glorify myself or anything. All the hype made me very uncomfortable, despite what I was trying to convey. I had to fake hype while i was actually desperate. To put in perspective this edit :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOnCEUG20H4 has been made at these time. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that all the videos and content I created around A01 reinforced my denial to make the guilt less present.
Did I cheat on other maps ?
And that's where I was stupid : yes, few Island and one Rally. Which is even dumber. These was a selfish side that I discovered and hated, i quickly reconsidered a lot of things, I talked a lot about it to psychologist & psychiatrist : I tried to get the upper hand and I managed to calm everything down recently. But what is done is done and i can’t be more sorry for what happened. And to be completely transparent, I uploaded a replay on TMX in 2011 made with TMUnlimiter on a puzzle map. Important clarification: in any case you see cheated "precision" replays. Everything you have seen regarding precision is 100% legit.
Why am I only admitting this now ?
I couldn’t !! You must agree that’s quite unspeakable. Several times I wanted to talk to donadigo about it, and even when he asked me how I did SD on A01, I couldn't. The current drama has put a lot of things into question and allowed me to get to this point.
In no way this a pity message : I'm trying to be as clear as possible. I now have no interest in lying anymore. I don't care about my legitimacy as a player, I never felt like a GREAT player. But rather an obsessed gamer who was burning up the game to achieve his goals of pseudo-perfection. Where I really feel guilty is with those who trusted me, and I think directly of Rollin and Drarker. We used to play A01 together and nothing is fair. Then I think of donadigo. And as crazy as it sounds, I enjoyed "working" with him on the few investigations he shared with me. We talked a lot and I think I consider him as a friend, despite all the irony behind that. Thought to Schmaniol, Rotaker & Phil. I’m not asking to be forgiven, but to be comprehend.
I've been working on this for a year and just writing it down is a huge relief. But there will be a gap : you will be highly disappointed while I feel appeased. I hope we can find a balance. And I especially hope that it's never too late to admit you cheated in a video game.
still make me the victim".