Big personal life change, but ultimately for the better
Hey, everyone! I've got an important announcement to share with you all. I finally realized that there were several signs screaming at me that I am a trans girl. I'm pre-HRT, as this is still a very recent revelation. Obviously this wasn't something I started to accept lightly because I've spent the last 27 years of my life thinking that I was a male and that I should try to find happiness with that, when I see now that I always knew deep down that that would never have worked.
My upbringing was fairly traditional, but thankfully it was never religious nor conservative within my immediate family. I had often wondered what being born a girl would have been like, but every time I did I'd fairly write it off not only as just a silly daydream, but one that literally everybody would have had. Alas, I recently learned that the majority of cisgender individuals in fact don't do this - certainly not multiple times throughout their lives - and my mom had all but cemented this for me when I came out to her as she's never been one for traditionally feminine hobbies or activities, however she's never at any point doubted her womanhood.
I have rarely ever felt like there have been any good photos of me. I've heard all my life how I "look just like my mother, only a male version of her". I like my mother's face rather a lot, but I have seldom appreciated my own face. I've just never been able to look at myself in that favorable of a light. Having dealt with nagging low self-esteem since my teenage years didn't help this any. In more recent times though, especially since I started losing weight, I have grown increasingly more dissatisfied with my masculine body, most recently to the point of repulsion. I'd thought about shaving my body hair before, but always figured there would be no point in doing so because it'll just come back anyway, and with a vengeance. Then there's my facial hair. I had never been able stomach it beyond a certain length. I'd confided in friends way before this that I'd be happy to never have to shave again.
Due to the pandemic, I had more than my fair share of free time for introspection where I determined that I'm pansexual, with a definite preference towards femininity, but pan nonetheless. If I like the body, I like the body, and there's nothing wrong with that. That still holds true, but it also led to me realizing that while I appreciate the aesthetic of a feminine body, I was also envious of people who could present in such a manner. I finally decided to do a trial run of sorts with shaving one of my arms. It felt weird at first because it was just something I'd never done before but over the next day or two, I couldn't get over how right it felt.
Another sign that I never thought about was the way I always gravitated towards female character options in the video games when available. I never thought of it in the stereotypical way of "If I'm gonna be looking at my character's ass all game..." Rather, I just felt more comfortable with it and I never questioned it. It just felt normal to me. Back when I first played Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic on my family's original Xbox, my character choice was female and one of the random name choices came up with the name "Seraya", a name that I would carry on to many future girl characters of mine for games I'd play. That name exists as the latter half of my username we know as "CleanSera". The "Clean" part of that name was just my second WoW main, "Cleanwah," a male Night Elf Priest. "Cleanwah" was short for "Clean n'wah", a slight Morrowind reference that nobody ever caught onto when I played WoW. I would later end up gender changing that character and naming her "Nalcarya", also from Morrowind, after the fine alchemist in Balmora so it was still close to home for me. We can see which of those names withstood the test of time better.
My deadname is inherently and undeniably masculine. I had never cared for it much because at no point in my life have I felt I could truly identify with it, and that was just something that I thought I'd just learn to live with. I already kind of dread the time between now and when I'll be able to legally change it because, at this point, it's just not who I am. Odds are I'll probably change my whole name as and when I'm legally able: first, middle, and last. My middle name is the first name of my father whom I've not heard from in probably the last decade - nor do I care to. My last name is also his last name. He was never much of a father to any of his kids, and I'd wanted to distance myself from that connection already for that reason. Now I have some further incentive to do so.
My egg is still pretty freshly cracked and all of this will take me a long time to get used to. Even while I typed this all out originally, my brain was still trying to doubt being trans and "rationalize" these points in a way that wouldn't require a committal transition away from my AGAB. I know such "rationalization" is just furthering the denial of real dysphoria, and that will leave me no happier. There are some more feelings and signs I've not listed, and I'm sure there are many more signs I've still not yet realized to be signs. I know in my heart that I want to transition. I know the early stages of my transition will be trying - probably more than I yet realize. Thankfully though, I know I must needs push through the doubt, do what I feel is right for me, find my happiness, and live my truth.
So hi, everyone! I'm SeraVenza (she/her), and I'm an understandably nervous AF trans gaymer girl who will definitely be needing the support of her loved ones at many points along the road of her journey! <3