- Joined
- Dec 15, 2016
I regularly think of Lincolnshire, in the context of how glad I am that I left.
Spunt's helpful guide to Britain for fat Americans - Learn about Anglos so you can hate them better
- Thread starter Spunt
- Start date
axfaxf
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2019
Invaded by just about anyone that matters, except a midget
Dambusters' Dog II
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2022
Boston had the highest margin in favour of Brexit in the referendum, at 75%. Admittedly, that was when I learnt that a large number of Poles had moved there, previously I hadn't thought about it whatsoever.
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2019
"I literally went to Hell and spent the night right next to Satan's own bedroom, but otherwise it's not that bad"
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2018
If you get to hell and find it a bit less hot than you assumed, then it's not too bad. London still has great museums, great food, and beautiful architecture. The general shittiness can still be tolerated if you're just visiting.
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2015
I loved London when I visited it, but I only visited. I've been assured by multiple people that it's a great place to visit, but an an awful place to live.
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2019
Between the last two times I visited London proper (i.e. not counting passing through Kings Cross or Euston on the way to somewhere else), they built half a dozen bloody great towers, and turned everything gay and pakistani. There's a nice restaurant in the Shard, but I'm not sure it's worth the wreck they made of London's skyline, or all the wastrels and snotty fucks that swarmed to the place on the back of the development. Even the museums have gone a bit shite, so I'm not sure it's even a great place to visit any more.
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2016
I'm one of the last holdouts who still thinks London is still, on balance, worth the black snot. You can still find a lot of history everywhere you turn and the proper London pubs are good.
I'm still grieving the loss of 90's London, (or at least the 90s London I experienced) but between the degrading influence of multicultural ghettoisation and conversely the sanitisation of central London that's replaced all the character it's definitely lost a lot of its charm and soul since the milennium.
Big Heritage is doing its best to ruin the galleries and museums but the whole place is basically a museum so just avoid the touristy shit.
I'm still grieving the loss of 90's London, (or at least the 90s London I experienced) but between the degrading influence of multicultural ghettoisation and conversely the sanitisation of central London that's replaced all the character it's definitely lost a lot of its charm and soul since the milennium.
Big Heritage is doing its best to ruin the galleries and museums but the whole place is basically a museum so just avoid the touristy shit.
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2014
I’m American and a Soccer fan and knew pretty much instantly what you meant about Thierry Henry but for good measure I still asked an Irish friend who’s usually a pretty mellow and chill guy. This was the response I got.
“He’s a cheating nigger
Hand balled a game during a World Cup game
I watched it happen
It happened in Ireland and that caused a riot”
This guy is chill like 90% of the time and isn’t even a huge soccer fan.
“He’s a cheating nigger
Hand balled a game during a World Cup game
I watched it happen
It happened in Ireland and that caused a riot”
This guy is chill like 90% of the time and isn’t even a huge soccer fan.
- Joined
- May 9, 2018
I live in London. I work and study here. I'm tired of foreign friends telling me how they'd love to come visit, how they'd love to see the Christmas lights, etc. I don't resent them for it ofc but personally I just can't stand the place. I used to live in a village in a London borough that's pretty far out; think suburbia. I never thought I'd miss it but I do. I miss not having to figure out if corner shops are working by tourist prices or normal prices (got asked to fork over a fiver for a Lipton and Magic Stars, told him to jog on).
It's hard to like this place. It feels, idk, lifeless? Vacant? Just kind of empty. Like northing is happening.
It's hard to like this place. It feels, idk, lifeless? Vacant? Just kind of empty. Like northing is happening.
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2017
- Highlight
- #451
Part 33 1/3 - The Royal Family
Good afternoon Gigachuds and Niggachads, now I'm as confident as I can be that KF is actually going to stay up long enough for me to finish this post, it's time to continue our journey through the nine circles of Hell that are the UK. Sadly for Dante fans, I'm not Homer. Homer Simpson, maybe. But still, abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Turns out hell does frequently freeze over after all.
A lot happened since my last post, notably the Trussocalypse where a particularly stupid woman was elected by the assorted windbags and retired army colonels that comprise the lay membership of the Conservative party to be Prime Minister after Boris Johnson was turfed out of office for breaking his own Covid restricions at a number of wild parties at the height of the pandemic and then lying about it. Liz met the other Liz at Balmoral and within 2 days Liz Sr. was dead and within 2 months Liz Jr. was gone as well, with nothing to show for it but a $150,000 a year annual pension and a £30bn hole in the country's finances (or at least the existing hole was £30bn bigger).
So to celebrate Liz Truss' hat-trick of murdering the Queen, the Economy and the Conservative Party in less than 60 days, let's look at the late Queen and the assorted degenerates and laughing-stocks that comprise the British Royal Family.
What do the British think about the monarchy?
It's a difficult question to answer. Right now we're still getting over the loss of Elizabeth II, and it's hard to separate her huge personal popularity (particularly in the last 20 years of her reign) with that of the monarchy as a whole. With her vastly less popular son now on the throne, we'll see how that shakes down in the years to come. But I think overall we'll keep it in one form or another long into the future. It didn't always look that way, though. In the 1990s the Royal Family was rocked by a string of scandals, culminating in the death of Diana, Princess of Wales in 1997, which the arch-opportunist Tony Blair took as an excuse to take a hatchet to the Royal Family and its finances, playing to the gallery in the left of the Labour Party who wanted a republic. But this may have been counter-productive, as the slimmed-down Royal Family regained its popularity in the 21st century, despite being just as scandal-prone.
Constitutional monarchies are good for countries, being associated with political stability and high standards of living compared to comparable republics. The English Civil War established that the monarch should stay out of government, and it's notable that we've not had any kind of coup, armed rebellion or civil war since. The monarch is the commander-in-chief of the British armed forces, and soldiers swear allegiance to "The Crown", not to the country or to a president. This concept of "The Crown" is a very important one to the British constitution, and something that Americans don't seem to understand very well. I noted from the various threads on Elizabeth's death that Americans (and others) seem to think that the monarch has some big role in running the country, but they absolutely do not in practice (even though the constitutional framework is there in theory). It's why the numbers relating to the monarch's wealth are so misleading. King Charles doesn't actually own very much at all, personally. All those palaces, jewels and land belong to the thing on his head, not him. He's just looking after them. He can't sell them, and if you can't sell something it's not your asset.
Having a head of state that is not a politician is a big advantage in political stability. Without the monarch's blessing, no force could stage a coup and have any legitimacy, not just legally, but in the view of the people and, most importantly, the military, who swear oaths to the Crown, not the government. This protection isn't just theoretical, either. King Juan Carlos of Spain is a national hero for thwarting a Francoist coup in 1981, simply by walking into the parliament chamber where Congress was being held hostage by military muntineers, and telling them to cut it the fuck out because he would never endorse another military government. The soldiers backed down and surrendered, because they knew that neither the people nor the army would back their coup if the King didn't, and they certainly weren't going to threaten the King on live TV. A president, or any other politician, would never have been able to achieve that and would have probably been shot for their trouble. But, except in such extreme circumstances, the role of the monarch is ceremonial. It's a tremendous advantage in diplomacy to have someone who represents the nation but not any political ideology, and it prevents every little thing getting politicised the way it often is in republics like the USA. In the monarch, we have something that is 100%, indisputably "British*", representing the essence and independence of the nation in its purest form. Can a nation as politically divided as the USA say the same? I think that one of the reasons the UK is less divided and polarised than the US is that a lot of the nuts and bolts of the nation itself are immune from politics because they are invested in the monarchy rather than politicians.
*British in a rather German way, admittedly
It isn't a system without drawbacks, however. Most notably, it merges the roles of the executive and parliamentary branches of government into one, making British Prime Ministers almost elected dictators given the lack of checks and balances on their power. This became particularly acute after Tony Blair took aim at the House of Lords (the British equivalent of the US Senate) and stuffed it full of government appointees, enabling his unchecked constitutional vandalism that continues to cause massive problems to this day. Plus the effectiveness of the monarch in such a system very much depends on the intellectual ability and self-discipline of the monarch to understand their role and the reasons for it and stick to it. Liz was a master at this, but Charles, given his awful record of meddling in politics when he was Prince of Wales (more on that later), looks to be much less of a stabilising force than his mother was, and there may be storm clouds on the horizon.
Given the importance of the individuals concerned to the effectiveness of the role, let's have a look at some of the major Royals, past and present, starting with the big one:
Queen Elizabeth II
We all miss Liz. We actually, genuinely do, and not just because her eldest son is a jug-eared moron who nobody likes. Elizabeth II was like the entire nation's grandma, and had been on the throne since 1952. There are people here well into their retirement who never had another monarch on the throne during their entire lifespans. Hence, she was not "Queen Elizabeth II", or even "The Queen of the UK" to most people, but just "The Queen". There was no other Queen that mattered. Anywhere in the world, if you said "The Queen", everyone knew who you were talking about - even in countries with their own Queens. Her towering profile meant that everyone knew about the UK. Even North Koreans knew who the Queen was. That enabled the UK to punch well above its weight in trade and diplomacy. Whilst other countries could only send their presidents to international events, with all the political baggage such people carry, we could send The Queen and nobody was ever unhappy to see her. If The Queen showed up to your country or your event, that was a global endorsement. Because The Queen had no political baggage, she could meet a fascist dictator one week, a communist one the next week and a theocrat the week after, and nobody would get mad about it*. That alone probably accounted for billions of dollars worth of trade deals and other diplomatic advantages over her lifetime. Nobody else had The Queen. We had The Queen, and it felt good.
*The only world leaders to publicly insult the Queen were Muammar Gadaffi and Boris Yeltsin, and look what happened to them. You didn't fuck with The Queen.
If there was some kind of disaster, we could deploy The Queen to kiss it better - if a president or other politician visited a disaster zone, there would always be a suspicion that they were doing it to look good and gain votes, or resentment that their government allowed, or even caused, the problem in the first place. But The Queen carried no such baggage. If The Queen came to commiserate with you, she was there in her role as the nation itself, giving her presence a level of genuine compassion that no politician could ever achieve. No politics, just empathy. Countries without monarchs don't really get how special that is.
Elizabeth reigned for 70 years, and in that time the UK endured failure after failure, humiliation after humiliation, crisis after crisis. We lost the Empire, we lost our superpower status. We suffered under clueless governments, robber baron capitalism, over-mighty trade unions, wars, riots, natural and man-made disasters, but all that time we had The Queen. She would be there, constant, dignified, amid all the chaos and uncertainty. No matter how bad things were, or how much things changed, there was the Queen, anchoring the entire nation's existence for three quarters of a century.
Until one day she was gone. And it shook everyone much harder than most of us were expecting. We didn't so much mourn Elizabeth von Saxe-Coburg Gotha Windsor the person, we mourned our last remaining connection to how things used to be and how we thought they always would be. The timing of her death was especially devastating, as it conincided with the year that Britain's decline became a collapse, and we couldn't pretend we were OK any more. In a way the Queen was our hope, and we lost it just when we needed it the most.
Elizabeth was really fucking good at being The Queen, too. She never made a diplomatic faux-pas, not once, in 70 years. She never expressed an opinion that angered a foreign government or a British political party, not once, in 70 years. The reason she was so good at being The Queen was that she got a lot of practice at it. She would average 4 "engagements" a day, 320 days a year, for 70 years. I don't think there was anyone alive who worked so hard at one job as Elizabeth II. Yet she spent her entire life being called a "parasite" by unemployed lefties who lived in government housing and didn't pay any tax. She never complained. She never objected to opening a boring business park on a windswept morning and never objected to having to take tea with genocidal mass-murderers because we wanted to sell them fighter jets to strafe their dissidents with*.
*Her Palace Guard, however, had no such qualms, greeting psychopathic Wahabbist terror sponsor and all-round shitpiece King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with the Imperial March as he exited his car at Buckingham Palace. All copies of the video have been scrubbed from the internet except from fucking eBaumsworld of all places.
Elizabeth II conducted herself with an all-consuming sense of duty, to a job she never applied for and could never quit. I wouldn't trade my existence for hers, and I don't think many people would. No number of palaces or Bentleys will make up for working 120 hours a week until you die, never being able to express your opinion on anything and having everything you do scrutinised in microscopic detail. 2 days before her death, she met with the new Prime Minister, Liz Truss, to perform one last constitutional duty, to formally appoint her Prime Minister and invite her to form a government. A 96 year old woman literally stood up from her deathbead, no doubt in agony, to do her duty one more time before she could finally rest. And she made all that effort for Liz Truss, a woman who cratered the economy before taking a $150,000 annual pension for 7 weeks of incompetent work that made the country worse in every way.
Take a look at the Queen's right hand in this photo:
See that bruise? That's where a canula has been removed. The Queen came off IV Morphine to do her one last duty, two days before she died. She must have been in agony.
Which Liz was the parasite, again?
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Consort
It wasn't just the Queen's passing that marked the end of an era. Her husband, Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark, represented a link to the past himself - not so much from his family background, but the kind of person he was.
Prince Philip came from a family notoriously loyal to the Nazis, but as a teenager he fled to Britain and joined the Royal Navy, becoming a highly decorated naval officer and war hero. He gave up his Royal titles in Greece and Denmark and became a British Subject when he married the then Princess Elizabeth in 1952, being re-awarded the title of "Prince" in 1957 in recognition of his loyalty and dedication to his wife and his country.
And Philip was totally dedicated to both. Queen Elizabeth would not have been the woman, or the monarch, she was without him, something she always acknowledged. The couple were utterly madly in love with each other, rare for a Royal married couple, and worked effectively as a team for nearly 70 years, rare for any married couple. Philip's schedule was as busy as his wife's, and he created the Duke of Edinburgh award for youth achievement, something that (at least when I was at school) was a really big deal. By the time of his death in 2021, he was the longest-lived male member of the Royal Family (his wife was the second-oldest woman, beaten only by her own mother, confusingly also called Elizabeth, who lived to 102).
But none of you care about that. You care about the thing he was best-known for: being almost unfathomably based. Philip had an acid tongue and didn't give a flying fuck who he insulted, and he insulted everyone, in the most hilariously racist ways and nobody could do anything about it. This drove the Usual Suspects incandescent with rage, but everyone else thought he was great. Some classics:
You might think that two people this accomplished might have spawned children who were able to maintain their high standards. You would be completely wrong about this. Philip and Elizabeth had four children, all of whom are complete embarrassments to their parents and the country at large:
King Charles III
"Oh dear, dear, dear."
This is apparently Charles' verbal tic when trying to fill silence or move a conversation on, but it's also an apt metaphor for his own life. Charles III is a dense, clueless and self-absorbed man who fancies himself as a deep thinker and man of letters - think of him as a cross between your most irritating opiniated older relative and your typical Reddit poster.
As befits a man who spent 74 years waiting for his mother's funeral, Charles has always struggled to find something worthwhile to do with himself. And whilst he has managed to achieve a handful of things (notably being patron of The Prince's Trust, another youth charity), he mostly decided that he was going to make very loud, ignorant pronouncements on subjects he didn't really understand. Environmentalism, architecture, healthcare, agriculture, music, religion, all topics that Charles waded blindly into with his mouth open despite not being smart enough to understand any of them. His pressure and campaigning directly resulted in such useless boondoggles as acupuncture and homeopathy being offered on the NHS, despite the fact that the NHS right now can't even afford to provide treatments that actually do work. Over the years, a number of his letters to politicians have surfaced whereby Charles sought to change government policy in a range of his pet areas. Charles simply seemed too stupid and egotistical to understand that the entire reason the monarchy works as well as it did under his mother was that it was apolitical. The last time a British monarch got a bit political, he ended up without his head. He was also called Charles, as it happens.
Charles, ever the smart cookie, has decided that now he is King he'll stop trying to meddle in politics, as if everyone would instantly forget 74 years of idiocy. And that's assuming that he'll even keep his word - his record so far isn't good, especially as his charities have been revealed to have taken large cash donations from rather unsavoury people, including one incident when the Prime Minister of Qatar gave one of his cronies £3,000,000 in cash in a suitcase and Charles decided that this wasn't worth telling anyone about. Worse, it seems that some of the people who bunged his charities with cash were granted audiences with him in exchange, and then some of them mysteriously ended up with knighthoods and other baubles. The Police are starting to investigate, and this could be a scandal that single-handedly demolishes all the careful work his parents did to rehablitate the monarchy after its scandals in the 1990s - scandals that he was in large part responsible for.
When Charles married Lady Diana Spencer in 1981, it was watched by 750 million people. A wedding. A fucking wedding was watched, live, by 15% of the world's entire population (with another 250 million on the radio). Barely more than a decade later, Charles' bungling had reduced the monarchy to the closest it has ever been to being abolished since the English Civil War. And much of that came down to the way he treated his wife.
Charles, almost immediately after the wedding, began an affair with an old flame, the also-married Camilla Parker-Bowles. You may notice that Camilla (who is now our Queen, talk about a downgrade from the last one), resembles the rear-end of a horse, whereas Diana was one of the world's most beautiful, elegant and desirable women. This is the same man who thinks he knows enough about aesthetics to critique art and architecture.
This is what passes for a Queen these days smh
One day in 1989, a HAM radio operator intercepted an intimate phone call between the couple and sold it to a newspaper. Not only did this blow the lid open on the affair, it also revealed that the the Prince Charles produced the worst pillow talk of any man who has ever lived. Listening to these two trying to talk sexy to each other is like watching two garbage barges try to fuck. Here's an excerpt. Do not read if you are eating:
It will shock you to learn that, despite being married to this sexual tyrannosaurus (not to mention a man who thought flushing tampons down the toilet was standard procedure), Diana wasn't faithful either. But at least the men she bonked, including an army officer and the England rugby captain, were good-looking chaps rather than slack-jawed mutants.
Such was Diana's paranoia about Charles being out to ruin her life or even murder her that scumbag BBC "journalist" Martin Bashir was able to exploit it in order to gain an exclusive interview with her. Bashir forged bank statements to make it look like several (entirely innocent) members of her staff were being paid by the press and even MI5 (the British equivalent to the CIA) to pass on information about her. Diana, fooled by the forgeries, gave an explosive interview, which laid bare Charles' appalling behaviour throughout the marriage, not to mention bullying at the hands of Prince Philip and the Queen. This scandal brought the monarchy to its knees, and when Diana died in 1997 the contents of this interview were used as evidence by many that she had been murdered, with suspects ranging from Charles, Prince Philip, MI5, the CIA, Mossad, the Egyptian government, the French government to even Martin Bashir himself. These theories are still flying around, notably from the Daily Express, whose owner is close friends with Mohamed al-Fayed, the father of Dodi al-Fayed, her lover at the time and one of the other victims or the crash.
(Martin Bashir "retired" due to "health concerns" the day before the story of his deception broke and has never faced any consequences for his actions. The men whose careers he ruined by falsely accusing them of spying received no compensation. The BBC investigated itself and found itself Not Guilty. The establishment has deemed the matter closed. Welcome to Britain.)
Charles caught Covid in 2020 and it clearly did serious harm to him; he has never been quite the same since. Any glance at his hands since that date shows them to be badly swollen and fluid-filled, a sign of perhipheral edema (or "sausage fingers") and long Covid, making him at high risk of heart problems. Given this and his other health problems it may be that he is not going to reign for all that long, and that may be a mercy for everyone.
RATING:
Anne, Princess Royal
You know that saying that people over time come to resemble their dogs? Well Princess Anne is like that but with horses. Princess Anne is the only member of any Royal family to have competed in the Olympic games, in 1976, where she was the only competitor not to have to submit to a sex test. Doing her family proud, she promptly fell off her horse, which disproved the widely-held theory that she was some kind of centaur. She got a concussion for her troubles, but did win a gold medal at the 1971 European Championships at something called "Eventing", which involves various highly autistic horse activities. She also rode extensively in horse racing, winning several races, presumably by beating the horse as if it was a recalcitrant servant.
When not mounting horses, as a young woman she mounted Andrew Parker-Bowles, who went on to marry Camilla Shand, who went on to cheat on him with Prince Charles and then became Queen. This was shocking, because it showed that at least two men found Camilla attractive. Anne herself married an Army lieutenant called Mark Phillips who she met, inevitably, at a party for horse lovers. Sadly, she loved horses more than him, and she became the first (but by no means the last) of the Queen's children to get divorced in 1992. It later emerged that she had been cheating on Phillips for three years by that point, with a Navy officer called Timothy Laurence, who she married shortly after the divorce, causing a scandal because her mother was the head of the Church of England, which technically forbade remarriage if the previous partner was still alive. Given what her siblings would later get up to, this was comparatively mild. She also became the first member of the Royal Family to have a criminal conviction, pleading guilty to "having a dog dangerously out of control" in 2002.
RATING:
Prince Andrew, Duke of York
Almost everyone knows about Prince Andrew's recent downfall as an Epstein bro and beneficiary of underage sex trafficking, but Prince Andrew has been a source of embarrassment and idiocy for a very long time, shielded from the consequences of his actions by his doting mother, who reportedly considered this narcissistic chomo her "favourite" son.
Long famed for his lolcow-esque combination of stupidity and arrogance, Andrew actually had a decent service record as a helicopter pilot in the Royal Navy, seeing active combat service in the Falklands War. But after that things went horribly wrong, starting with his marriage to Sarah Ferguson, a minor aristocrat from a military family, which was the first of the marriages of Elizabeth's children to fail after she was photographed having her toes sucked by Texan oil tycoon Steve Wyatt. Despite being cuckolded, Andrew continued to financially support her after the divorce, paying off her multi-million dollar debts with money of unknown origin (*cough*JeffreyEpstein*cough*). In 2010, Ferguson (known to everyone as "Fergie") was filmed by an undercover reporter selling access to her ex-husband for £500,000 in cash.
Why would anyone want access to Prince Andrew? Well around that time, Andrew was appointed as a "Trade and Investment Ambassador", supposedly hawking British business around the world in a variety of all-expenses-paid trips to luxurious and exotic locations paid for by the British taxpayer. In this role, Andy struck up close friendships with such luminaries as Colonel Gadaffi, Tunisian dictator Zine Ben Ali, Azerbaijani torture-enthusiast Ilham Aliyev and Khazakh mass-murderer Nursultan Nazarbayev, who bought a mansion off him for about £3m more than its assessed value. He was also caught trying to interfere in a corruption investigation into arms sales to Kyrgystan. When an email about the latter scandal surfaced which appeared to show him asking for a kickback, he both claimed it was a forgery and tried to block its publication as an "invasion of privacy", not really explaining how publishing the email would breach his privacy if it wasn't his. He was also paid £750,000 by the wife of a Turkish businessman who thought it would secure him a passport - he begrudgingly repaid the money over a year later when it was uncovered by the press. He was notorious for his lavish luxury lifestyle; despite only having an official income of about $300,000 a year he owns multiple properties worth tens of millions and is rarely not seen on a luxury yacht. It's not at all clear how he funds his lifestyle but I think we can all take a good fucking guess.
Andrew was notorious for being rude and obnoxious to anyone he considered inferior, which was essentially everyone apart from mass-murderers. According to multiple reports, he had a collection of several dozen plush toys that he would put on his bed, and if any of his servants placed them in the wrong order he would throw screaming tantrums. Whether he had any Sonic the Hedghog OCs as well is not confirmed.
And then in 2019 the Epstein scandal dropped. Andrew was sued by an Epstein victim who said that Jeff had trafficked her and arranged for Andrew to spend the night with her even though she was 17 at the time. A key piece of evidence was this picture at Epstein's Rape Island, with Andrew's arm around her waist.
Prince Andrew, arrogant and stupid to the core, decided that the best course of action was to give an interview to the BBC, because that had worked out so well for Diana. His head of PR resigned in protest, but Andy knew best like he always did. The resulting trainwreck interview was almost indescribable, see it for yourself. Andrew, clearly lying throughout (because he seems, despite his career, to be really bad at it), claimed that the photo was a forgery and that his victim's testimony, specifically that they had danced at a nightclub on the night in question where Andrew sweated profusely, was a lie because he apparently - and brace yourself for this one, it's a doozy - was unable to sweat because of a wound he received in the Falkands war. He also gave an alibi, namely that he was eating at Pizza Express in Woking, something he remembered because it was an unusually low-class establishment compared to his usual luxury dining. He came across throughout as a clueless, corrupt, arrogant shitpile who wouldn't know the truth if Jeffrey Epstein kidnapped him and raped him in the arse with it.
As a result, the Pizza Express in Woking became as famous here as the Comet Ping-Pong is in the States, and a song called "Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce*" made it to number 2** in the charts on the day of his mother's Diamond Jubilee:
*"Nonce" is British prison slang for a sex offender, the equivalent of "Chomo" stateside.
**Live download and sales charts showed it at #1 for the entire day, but the official chart insisted it only got to number 2. Hmmm.
Andrew spent a couple of years trying to weasel his way out of the lawsuit, but once it became clear that he was in deep trouble he settled out of court. He was promptly stripped of all his Royal titles and his military rank by his own mother.
Hahahahaha.
RATING:
Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex
"Oh yeah, Prince Edward. I'd forgotten about him."
That is the typical reaction on being reminded that Elizabeth's youngest child exists, and presumably does something. Edward's life has been one of disappointment and failure. The Royal Marines paid for his tuition at university, and he promptly dropped out of commando training after three months, much to the annoyance of his father, who was the Captain-General of the regiment. Though frankly the sight of the wiry, effette Prince Edward mincing his way onto a beach would be unlikely to elicit much terror from the men machine-gunning him from the pillboxes.
Eddy, who is definitely not a homosexual, decided that he wanted to be in the theater instead, and got a job as a production assistant in a London theater, working under arse-faced psychopath Andrew Lloyd-Webber. Together, they were responsible for such masterpieces as Starlight Express (a musical whereby men on roller-skates pretend to be trains) and of course Cats, whose stage version was just as weird as the film. He then moved into TV, creating the trainwreck known as "It's a Royal Knockout" a sort of Takeshi's castle-type affair where teams sponsored by him, Prince Andrew and Princess Anne competed to see who could lose their dignity the fastest. The show was a humiliating disaster, and apparently the Queen, who told him not to do it, was furious and never treated him with any respect ever again.
Edward then married PR guru Sophie Rhys-Jones and was made an Earl, unlike the Duke titles given to his siblings - the Queen clearly still harboured a grudge. Sophie, clearly suffering under her husband's dismal influence, then became the frontwoman for the launch of the Rover 75, a car model on whose success the future of Rover, and with it the last remaining independent British car maker, depended. The fact that you have not heard of the Rover 75 tells you how well that went, and Rover was split up and sold to the Germans, so at least the Royals kept it in family lands I suppose.
After that fiasco very little was heard of Edward. Wikipedia is so short of things to say about his life in the 21st century that it devotes an entire paragraph to a time he visited Scotland in 2019 to get a custom tartan made. Riveting.
RATING:
So, not the strongest showing from Liz's offspring. What about Charles' sprogs?
Prince William
Balding, toothy posho William von Saxe-Coburg Gotha Windsor is probably the best the Royals have to offer these days, and given that he's a barely-animate Boredom Golem that's not saying much. In fact it's his total lack of personality that is his main appeal - royals with strong personalities and opinions tend to end up like, well, the others on this list.
At the very least William learned one important lesson from his mother - the value of Shutting the Fuck Up, something his dad never got the hang of. William avoids controversy by employing the highly advanced strategy of not saying or doing anything, ever. Well, he does things, but they tend to be of the opening-an-industrial-estate variety, and he does technically say things, inasmuch as his mouth opens and recognisable words come out, resulting in less-than-profound utterances such as "bullying is bad" and "I was sad when my mum died." Much like England football manager Gareth Southgate, he is so stunningly inarticulate in expressing such sentiments that nobody believes that they actually originated in his brain. He says words, we understand that those words were written by even duller people than him, he understands that we understand that, everyone makes a token attempt to nod and agree with them, and everyone gets on with the things British people do nowadays, such as being killed by the NHS or freezing to death in blackouts because the government refused to build more nuclear power stations in 2010 on the grounds that "they wouldn't be ready till 2021".
William is married to a woman called Kate, who now goes by "Catherine" in the false belief that it would make her more interesting. Kate is just as much of a charisma vacuum as he is and spends her time going to events to smile blankly at disabled children who smile blankly back. Presumably the people organising these events have to carry photos of all the attendees to work out which ones go in the short bus and which ones go in the limo afterwards, though if they did get mixed up I don't think anyone would notice. These two have in fact managed to mate, an act that presumably resembled two cardboard cutouts slapping together, and have produced three children including the new third-in-line to the throne Prince George. Given the genes this poor child inherited, he may grow up to be be even less articulate than Habsburg Emperor Ferdinand 1st, whose most coherent recorded utterance was "I'm the Emperor and I want dumplings."
RATING:
Everyone agrees that this tedious marionette is the King that they would rather have than Charles, though the list of people would rather have as King than Charles is rather a long one. Long that it is though, it notably does not include Wills' younger brother...
Prince Harry
For many years, there was a seemingly all-pervasive rumour that Prince Harry wasn't actually Prince Charles' son. Now whilst his mother did act like a chimpanzee in heat in the presence of anyone in a uniform, it soon became very apparent that Prince Harry is most definitely Charles' son - because he is a stupid, vain narcissist with worse taste in women than Phil Hartman too soon?.
Most Americans will know Prince Harry from his interview with Oprah Winfrey, whereby a billionaire interviewed a multi-millionaire in an idyllic garden surrounded by private security and servants catering to their every whim, the topic of discussion being how terrible their lives were and how they were horribly oppressed.
Harry married D-list actor Megan Markle, as we cannot avoid but being constantly reminded no matter how much we don't care. We are reminded about this because they give interviews on national TV and now have an entire Netflix series dedicated to how they feel their privacy is being intruded on, while they show us all his baby photos.
Megan, if you squint a bit and adjust the contrast on your TV, is very slightly darker-skinned than he is. This of course means that all criticism of this ginger malcontent and his spectacularly talentless and annoying wife is down to racism, and not, for example, due to the fact that she induced him to derelict his duties as second-in-line to the throne and that they keep complaining about how hard their lives are from a station so elevated they probably need oxygen tanks just to breathe. Harry, of course, repudiates racism and would never do anything...
Oh. Whoops*.
That picture was taken at a "Colonials and Natives" costume party, which is apparently the sort of thing aristocrats do. Managing to stand out as having a particularly offensive costume at a "Colonials and Natives" party is the kind of achievement of which only Prince Harry is probably capable.
As part of this Netflix series that for some reason the BBC is devoting more airtime to than Netflix itself, Harry said that Prince William "screamed at him" during a particularly difficult meeting at Buckingham Palace. He is very clearly making this up, because this would require Prince William to both posess a strong opinion and express it forcefully, neither of which he is capable of doing, unless maybe they updated his firmware.
RATING:
*Google returns no results when you search for "Prince Harry Nazi Uniform" from a UK IP address, though if you search "Prince Harry Colonials and Natives" you can find it. Harry again showing how powerless and oppressed he is. Cunt.
Good afternoon Gigachuds and Niggachads, now I'm as confident as I can be that KF is actually going to stay up long enough for me to finish this post, it's time to continue our journey through the nine circles of Hell that are the UK. Sadly for Dante fans, I'm not Homer. Homer Simpson, maybe. But still, abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Turns out hell does frequently freeze over after all.
A lot happened since my last post, notably the Trussocalypse where a particularly stupid woman was elected by the assorted windbags and retired army colonels that comprise the lay membership of the Conservative party to be Prime Minister after Boris Johnson was turfed out of office for breaking his own Covid restricions at a number of wild parties at the height of the pandemic and then lying about it. Liz met the other Liz at Balmoral and within 2 days Liz Sr. was dead and within 2 months Liz Jr. was gone as well, with nothing to show for it but a $150,000 a year annual pension and a £30bn hole in the country's finances (or at least the existing hole was £30bn bigger).
So to celebrate Liz Truss' hat-trick of murdering the Queen, the Economy and the Conservative Party in less than 60 days, let's look at the late Queen and the assorted degenerates and laughing-stocks that comprise the British Royal Family.
What do the British think about the monarchy?
It's a difficult question to answer. Right now we're still getting over the loss of Elizabeth II, and it's hard to separate her huge personal popularity (particularly in the last 20 years of her reign) with that of the monarchy as a whole. With her vastly less popular son now on the throne, we'll see how that shakes down in the years to come. But I think overall we'll keep it in one form or another long into the future. It didn't always look that way, though. In the 1990s the Royal Family was rocked by a string of scandals, culminating in the death of Diana, Princess of Wales in 1997, which the arch-opportunist Tony Blair took as an excuse to take a hatchet to the Royal Family and its finances, playing to the gallery in the left of the Labour Party who wanted a republic. But this may have been counter-productive, as the slimmed-down Royal Family regained its popularity in the 21st century, despite being just as scandal-prone.
Constitutional monarchies are good for countries, being associated with political stability and high standards of living compared to comparable republics. The English Civil War established that the monarch should stay out of government, and it's notable that we've not had any kind of coup, armed rebellion or civil war since. The monarch is the commander-in-chief of the British armed forces, and soldiers swear allegiance to "The Crown", not to the country or to a president. This concept of "The Crown" is a very important one to the British constitution, and something that Americans don't seem to understand very well. I noted from the various threads on Elizabeth's death that Americans (and others) seem to think that the monarch has some big role in running the country, but they absolutely do not in practice (even though the constitutional framework is there in theory). It's why the numbers relating to the monarch's wealth are so misleading. King Charles doesn't actually own very much at all, personally. All those palaces, jewels and land belong to the thing on his head, not him. He's just looking after them. He can't sell them, and if you can't sell something it's not your asset.
Having a head of state that is not a politician is a big advantage in political stability. Without the monarch's blessing, no force could stage a coup and have any legitimacy, not just legally, but in the view of the people and, most importantly, the military, who swear oaths to the Crown, not the government. This protection isn't just theoretical, either. King Juan Carlos of Spain is a national hero for thwarting a Francoist coup in 1981, simply by walking into the parliament chamber where Congress was being held hostage by military muntineers, and telling them to cut it the fuck out because he would never endorse another military government. The soldiers backed down and surrendered, because they knew that neither the people nor the army would back their coup if the King didn't, and they certainly weren't going to threaten the King on live TV. A president, or any other politician, would never have been able to achieve that and would have probably been shot for their trouble. But, except in such extreme circumstances, the role of the monarch is ceremonial. It's a tremendous advantage in diplomacy to have someone who represents the nation but not any political ideology, and it prevents every little thing getting politicised the way it often is in republics like the USA. In the monarch, we have something that is 100%, indisputably "British*", representing the essence and independence of the nation in its purest form. Can a nation as politically divided as the USA say the same? I think that one of the reasons the UK is less divided and polarised than the US is that a lot of the nuts and bolts of the nation itself are immune from politics because they are invested in the monarchy rather than politicians.
*British in a rather German way, admittedly
It isn't a system without drawbacks, however. Most notably, it merges the roles of the executive and parliamentary branches of government into one, making British Prime Ministers almost elected dictators given the lack of checks and balances on their power. This became particularly acute after Tony Blair took aim at the House of Lords (the British equivalent of the US Senate) and stuffed it full of government appointees, enabling his unchecked constitutional vandalism that continues to cause massive problems to this day. Plus the effectiveness of the monarch in such a system very much depends on the intellectual ability and self-discipline of the monarch to understand their role and the reasons for it and stick to it. Liz was a master at this, but Charles, given his awful record of meddling in politics when he was Prince of Wales (more on that later), looks to be much less of a stabilising force than his mother was, and there may be storm clouds on the horizon.
Given the importance of the individuals concerned to the effectiveness of the role, let's have a look at some of the major Royals, past and present, starting with the big one:
Queen Elizabeth II
We all miss Liz. We actually, genuinely do, and not just because her eldest son is a jug-eared moron who nobody likes. Elizabeth II was like the entire nation's grandma, and had been on the throne since 1952. There are people here well into their retirement who never had another monarch on the throne during their entire lifespans. Hence, she was not "Queen Elizabeth II", or even "The Queen of the UK" to most people, but just "The Queen". There was no other Queen that mattered. Anywhere in the world, if you said "The Queen", everyone knew who you were talking about - even in countries with their own Queens. Her towering profile meant that everyone knew about the UK. Even North Koreans knew who the Queen was. That enabled the UK to punch well above its weight in trade and diplomacy. Whilst other countries could only send their presidents to international events, with all the political baggage such people carry, we could send The Queen and nobody was ever unhappy to see her. If The Queen showed up to your country or your event, that was a global endorsement. Because The Queen had no political baggage, she could meet a fascist dictator one week, a communist one the next week and a theocrat the week after, and nobody would get mad about it*. That alone probably accounted for billions of dollars worth of trade deals and other diplomatic advantages over her lifetime. Nobody else had The Queen. We had The Queen, and it felt good.
*The only world leaders to publicly insult the Queen were Muammar Gadaffi and Boris Yeltsin, and look what happened to them. You didn't fuck with The Queen.
If there was some kind of disaster, we could deploy The Queen to kiss it better - if a president or other politician visited a disaster zone, there would always be a suspicion that they were doing it to look good and gain votes, or resentment that their government allowed, or even caused, the problem in the first place. But The Queen carried no such baggage. If The Queen came to commiserate with you, she was there in her role as the nation itself, giving her presence a level of genuine compassion that no politician could ever achieve. No politics, just empathy. Countries without monarchs don't really get how special that is.
Elizabeth reigned for 70 years, and in that time the UK endured failure after failure, humiliation after humiliation, crisis after crisis. We lost the Empire, we lost our superpower status. We suffered under clueless governments, robber baron capitalism, over-mighty trade unions, wars, riots, natural and man-made disasters, but all that time we had The Queen. She would be there, constant, dignified, amid all the chaos and uncertainty. No matter how bad things were, or how much things changed, there was the Queen, anchoring the entire nation's existence for three quarters of a century.
Until one day she was gone. And it shook everyone much harder than most of us were expecting. We didn't so much mourn Elizabeth
Elizabeth was really fucking good at being The Queen, too. She never made a diplomatic faux-pas, not once, in 70 years. She never expressed an opinion that angered a foreign government or a British political party, not once, in 70 years. The reason she was so good at being The Queen was that she got a lot of practice at it. She would average 4 "engagements" a day, 320 days a year, for 70 years. I don't think there was anyone alive who worked so hard at one job as Elizabeth II. Yet she spent her entire life being called a "parasite" by unemployed lefties who lived in government housing and didn't pay any tax. She never complained. She never objected to opening a boring business park on a windswept morning and never objected to having to take tea with genocidal mass-murderers because we wanted to sell them fighter jets to strafe their dissidents with*.
*Her Palace Guard, however, had no such qualms, greeting psychopathic Wahabbist terror sponsor and all-round shitpiece King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with the Imperial March as he exited his car at Buckingham Palace. All copies of the video have been scrubbed from the internet except from fucking eBaumsworld of all places.
Elizabeth II conducted herself with an all-consuming sense of duty, to a job she never applied for and could never quit. I wouldn't trade my existence for hers, and I don't think many people would. No number of palaces or Bentleys will make up for working 120 hours a week until you die, never being able to express your opinion on anything and having everything you do scrutinised in microscopic detail. 2 days before her death, she met with the new Prime Minister, Liz Truss, to perform one last constitutional duty, to formally appoint her Prime Minister and invite her to form a government. A 96 year old woman literally stood up from her deathbead, no doubt in agony, to do her duty one more time before she could finally rest. And she made all that effort for Liz Truss, a woman who cratered the economy before taking a $150,000 annual pension for 7 weeks of incompetent work that made the country worse in every way.
Take a look at the Queen's right hand in this photo:
See that bruise? That's where a canula has been removed. The Queen came off IV Morphine to do her one last duty, two days before she died. She must have been in agony.
Which Liz was the parasite, again?
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Consort
It wasn't just the Queen's passing that marked the end of an era. Her husband, Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark, represented a link to the past himself - not so much from his family background, but the kind of person he was.
Prince Philip came from a family notoriously loyal to the Nazis, but as a teenager he fled to Britain and joined the Royal Navy, becoming a highly decorated naval officer and war hero. He gave up his Royal titles in Greece and Denmark and became a British Subject when he married the then Princess Elizabeth in 1952, being re-awarded the title of "Prince" in 1957 in recognition of his loyalty and dedication to his wife and his country.
And Philip was totally dedicated to both. Queen Elizabeth would not have been the woman, or the monarch, she was without him, something she always acknowledged. The couple were utterly madly in love with each other, rare for a Royal married couple, and worked effectively as a team for nearly 70 years, rare for any married couple. Philip's schedule was as busy as his wife's, and he created the Duke of Edinburgh award for youth achievement, something that (at least when I was at school) was a really big deal. By the time of his death in 2021, he was the longest-lived male member of the Royal Family (his wife was the second-oldest woman, beaten only by her own mother, confusingly also called Elizabeth, who lived to 102).
But none of you care about that. You care about the thing he was best-known for: being almost unfathomably based. Philip had an acid tongue and didn't give a flying fuck who he insulted, and he insulted everyone, in the most hilariously racist ways and nobody could do anything about it. This drove the Usual Suspects incandescent with rage, but everyone else thought he was great. Some classics:
You might think that two people this accomplished might have spawned children who were able to maintain their high standards. You would be completely wrong about this. Philip and Elizabeth had four children, all of whom are complete embarrassments to their parents and the country at large:
King Charles III
"Oh dear, dear, dear."
This is apparently Charles' verbal tic when trying to fill silence or move a conversation on, but it's also an apt metaphor for his own life. Charles III is a dense, clueless and self-absorbed man who fancies himself as a deep thinker and man of letters - think of him as a cross between your most irritating opiniated older relative and your typical Reddit poster.
As befits a man who spent 74 years waiting for his mother's funeral, Charles has always struggled to find something worthwhile to do with himself. And whilst he has managed to achieve a handful of things (notably being patron of The Prince's Trust, another youth charity), he mostly decided that he was going to make very loud, ignorant pronouncements on subjects he didn't really understand. Environmentalism, architecture, healthcare, agriculture, music, religion, all topics that Charles waded blindly into with his mouth open despite not being smart enough to understand any of them. His pressure and campaigning directly resulted in such useless boondoggles as acupuncture and homeopathy being offered on the NHS, despite the fact that the NHS right now can't even afford to provide treatments that actually do work. Over the years, a number of his letters to politicians have surfaced whereby Charles sought to change government policy in a range of his pet areas. Charles simply seemed too stupid and egotistical to understand that the entire reason the monarchy works as well as it did under his mother was that it was apolitical. The last time a British monarch got a bit political, he ended up without his head. He was also called Charles, as it happens.
Charles, ever the smart cookie, has decided that now he is King he'll stop trying to meddle in politics, as if everyone would instantly forget 74 years of idiocy. And that's assuming that he'll even keep his word - his record so far isn't good, especially as his charities have been revealed to have taken large cash donations from rather unsavoury people, including one incident when the Prime Minister of Qatar gave one of his cronies £3,000,000 in cash in a suitcase and Charles decided that this wasn't worth telling anyone about. Worse, it seems that some of the people who bunged his charities with cash were granted audiences with him in exchange, and then some of them mysteriously ended up with knighthoods and other baubles. The Police are starting to investigate, and this could be a scandal that single-handedly demolishes all the careful work his parents did to rehablitate the monarchy after its scandals in the 1990s - scandals that he was in large part responsible for.
When Charles married Lady Diana Spencer in 1981, it was watched by 750 million people. A wedding. A fucking wedding was watched, live, by 15% of the world's entire population (with another 250 million on the radio). Barely more than a decade later, Charles' bungling had reduced the monarchy to the closest it has ever been to being abolished since the English Civil War. And much of that came down to the way he treated his wife.
Charles, almost immediately after the wedding, began an affair with an old flame, the also-married Camilla Parker-Bowles. You may notice that Camilla (who is now our Queen, talk about a downgrade from the last one), resembles the rear-end of a horse, whereas Diana was one of the world's most beautiful, elegant and desirable women. This is the same man who thinks he knows enough about aesthetics to critique art and architecture.
This is what passes for a Queen these days smh
One day in 1989, a HAM radio operator intercepted an intimate phone call between the couple and sold it to a newspaper. Not only did this blow the lid open on the affair, it also revealed that the the Prince Charles produced the worst pillow talk of any man who has ever lived. Listening to these two trying to talk sexy to each other is like watching two garbage barges try to fuck. Here's an excerpt. Do not read if you are eating:
CAMILLA: I know it would revive me. I can't bear a Sunday night without you.
CHARLES: Oh, God.
CAMILLA: It's like that programme Start The Week. I can't start the week without you.
CHARLES: I fill up your tank!
CAMILLA: Yes, you do.
CHARLES: Then you can cope.
CAMILLA: Then I'm all right.
CHARLES: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
CAMILLA: Mmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
CHARLES: Oh, God. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
CAMILLA (laughing): What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? (Both laugh). Oh, you're going to come back as a pair of knickers.
CHARLES: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
CAMILLA: You are a complete idiot! (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.
CHARLES: My luck to be chucked down a lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.
CAMILLA (laughing): Oh darling!
CHARLES: Until the next one comes through.
CAMILLA: Oh, perhaps you could just come back as a box.
CHARLES: What sort of box?
CAMILLA: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
CHARLES: That's true.
CAMILLA: Repeating yourself . . . (laughing). Oh, darling, oh I just want you now.
CHARLES: Do you?
CAMILLA: Mmm.
CHARLES: So do I.
CHARLES: Oh, God.
CAMILLA: It's like that programme Start The Week. I can't start the week without you.
CHARLES: I fill up your tank!
CAMILLA: Yes, you do.
CHARLES: Then you can cope.
CAMILLA: Then I'm all right.
CHARLES: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
CAMILLA: Mmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
CHARLES: Oh, God. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
CAMILLA (laughing): What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? (Both laugh). Oh, you're going to come back as a pair of knickers.
CHARLES: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
CAMILLA: You are a complete idiot! (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.
CHARLES: My luck to be chucked down a lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.
CAMILLA (laughing): Oh darling!
CHARLES: Until the next one comes through.
CAMILLA: Oh, perhaps you could just come back as a box.
CHARLES: What sort of box?
CAMILLA: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
CHARLES: That's true.
CAMILLA: Repeating yourself . . . (laughing). Oh, darling, oh I just want you now.
CHARLES: Do you?
CAMILLA: Mmm.
CHARLES: So do I.
It will shock you to learn that, despite being married to this sexual tyrannosaurus (not to mention a man who thought flushing tampons down the toilet was standard procedure), Diana wasn't faithful either. But at least the men she bonked, including an army officer and the England rugby captain, were good-looking chaps rather than slack-jawed mutants.
Such was Diana's paranoia about Charles being out to ruin her life or even murder her that scumbag BBC "journalist" Martin Bashir was able to exploit it in order to gain an exclusive interview with her. Bashir forged bank statements to make it look like several (entirely innocent) members of her staff were being paid by the press and even MI5 (the British equivalent to the CIA) to pass on information about her. Diana, fooled by the forgeries, gave an explosive interview, which laid bare Charles' appalling behaviour throughout the marriage, not to mention bullying at the hands of Prince Philip and the Queen. This scandal brought the monarchy to its knees, and when Diana died in 1997 the contents of this interview were used as evidence by many that she had been murdered, with suspects ranging from Charles, Prince Philip, MI5, the CIA, Mossad, the Egyptian government, the French government to even Martin Bashir himself. These theories are still flying around, notably from the Daily Express, whose owner is close friends with Mohamed al-Fayed, the father of Dodi al-Fayed, her lover at the time and one of the other victims or the crash.
(Martin Bashir "retired" due to "health concerns" the day before the story of his deception broke and has never faced any consequences for his actions. The men whose careers he ruined by falsely accusing them of spying received no compensation. The BBC investigated itself and found itself Not Guilty. The establishment has deemed the matter closed. Welcome to Britain.)
Charles caught Covid in 2020 and it clearly did serious harm to him; he has never been quite the same since. Any glance at his hands since that date shows them to be badly swollen and fluid-filled, a sign of perhipheral edema (or "sausage fingers") and long Covid, making him at high risk of heart problems. Given this and his other health problems it may be that he is not going to reign for all that long, and that may be a mercy for everyone.
RATING:
Anne, Princess Royal
You know that saying that people over time come to resemble their dogs? Well Princess Anne is like that but with horses. Princess Anne is the only member of any Royal family to have competed in the Olympic games, in 1976, where she was the only competitor not to have to submit to a sex test. Doing her family proud, she promptly fell off her horse, which disproved the widely-held theory that she was some kind of centaur. She got a concussion for her troubles, but did win a gold medal at the 1971 European Championships at something called "Eventing", which involves various highly autistic horse activities. She also rode extensively in horse racing, winning several races, presumably by beating the horse as if it was a recalcitrant servant.
When not mounting horses, as a young woman she mounted Andrew Parker-Bowles, who went on to marry Camilla Shand, who went on to cheat on him with Prince Charles and then became Queen. This was shocking, because it showed that at least two men found Camilla attractive. Anne herself married an Army lieutenant called Mark Phillips who she met, inevitably, at a party for horse lovers. Sadly, she loved horses more than him, and she became the first (but by no means the last) of the Queen's children to get divorced in 1992. It later emerged that she had been cheating on Phillips for three years by that point, with a Navy officer called Timothy Laurence, who she married shortly after the divorce, causing a scandal because her mother was the head of the Church of England, which technically forbade remarriage if the previous partner was still alive. Given what her siblings would later get up to, this was comparatively mild. She also became the first member of the Royal Family to have a criminal conviction, pleading guilty to "having a dog dangerously out of control" in 2002.
RATING:
Prince Andrew, Duke of York
Almost everyone knows about Prince Andrew's recent downfall as an Epstein bro and beneficiary of underage sex trafficking, but Prince Andrew has been a source of embarrassment and idiocy for a very long time, shielded from the consequences of his actions by his doting mother, who reportedly considered this narcissistic chomo her "favourite" son.
Long famed for his lolcow-esque combination of stupidity and arrogance, Andrew actually had a decent service record as a helicopter pilot in the Royal Navy, seeing active combat service in the Falklands War. But after that things went horribly wrong, starting with his marriage to Sarah Ferguson, a minor aristocrat from a military family, which was the first of the marriages of Elizabeth's children to fail after she was photographed having her toes sucked by Texan oil tycoon Steve Wyatt. Despite being cuckolded, Andrew continued to financially support her after the divorce, paying off her multi-million dollar debts with money of unknown origin (*cough*JeffreyEpstein*cough*). In 2010, Ferguson (known to everyone as "Fergie") was filmed by an undercover reporter selling access to her ex-husband for £500,000 in cash.
Why would anyone want access to Prince Andrew? Well around that time, Andrew was appointed as a "Trade and Investment Ambassador", supposedly hawking British business around the world in a variety of all-expenses-paid trips to luxurious and exotic locations paid for by the British taxpayer. In this role, Andy struck up close friendships with such luminaries as Colonel Gadaffi, Tunisian dictator Zine Ben Ali, Azerbaijani torture-enthusiast Ilham Aliyev and Khazakh mass-murderer Nursultan Nazarbayev, who bought a mansion off him for about £3m more than its assessed value. He was also caught trying to interfere in a corruption investigation into arms sales to Kyrgystan. When an email about the latter scandal surfaced which appeared to show him asking for a kickback, he both claimed it was a forgery and tried to block its publication as an "invasion of privacy", not really explaining how publishing the email would breach his privacy if it wasn't his. He was also paid £750,000 by the wife of a Turkish businessman who thought it would secure him a passport - he begrudgingly repaid the money over a year later when it was uncovered by the press. He was notorious for his lavish luxury lifestyle; despite only having an official income of about $300,000 a year he owns multiple properties worth tens of millions and is rarely not seen on a luxury yacht. It's not at all clear how he funds his lifestyle but I think we can all take a good fucking guess.
Andrew was notorious for being rude and obnoxious to anyone he considered inferior, which was essentially everyone apart from mass-murderers. According to multiple reports, he had a collection of several dozen plush toys that he would put on his bed, and if any of his servants placed them in the wrong order he would throw screaming tantrums. Whether he had any Sonic the Hedghog OCs as well is not confirmed.
And then in 2019 the Epstein scandal dropped. Andrew was sued by an Epstein victim who said that Jeff had trafficked her and arranged for Andrew to spend the night with her even though she was 17 at the time. A key piece of evidence was this picture at Epstein's Rape Island, with Andrew's arm around her waist.
Prince Andrew, arrogant and stupid to the core, decided that the best course of action was to give an interview to the BBC, because that had worked out so well for Diana. His head of PR resigned in protest, but Andy knew best like he always did. The resulting trainwreck interview was almost indescribable, see it for yourself. Andrew, clearly lying throughout (because he seems, despite his career, to be really bad at it), claimed that the photo was a forgery and that his victim's testimony, specifically that they had danced at a nightclub on the night in question where Andrew sweated profusely, was a lie because he apparently - and brace yourself for this one, it's a doozy - was unable to sweat because of a wound he received in the Falkands war. He also gave an alibi, namely that he was eating at Pizza Express in Woking, something he remembered because it was an unusually low-class establishment compared to his usual luxury dining. He came across throughout as a clueless, corrupt, arrogant shitpile who wouldn't know the truth if Jeffrey Epstein kidnapped him and raped him in the arse with it.
As a result, the Pizza Express in Woking became as famous here as the Comet Ping-Pong is in the States, and a song called "Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce*" made it to number 2** in the charts on the day of his mother's Diamond Jubilee:
*"Nonce" is British prison slang for a sex offender, the equivalent of "Chomo" stateside.
**Live download and sales charts showed it at #1 for the entire day, but the official chart insisted it only got to number 2. Hmmm.
Andrew spent a couple of years trying to weasel his way out of the lawsuit, but once it became clear that he was in deep trouble he settled out of court. He was promptly stripped of all his Royal titles and his military rank by his own mother.
Hahahahaha.
RATING:
Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex
"Oh yeah, Prince Edward. I'd forgotten about him."
That is the typical reaction on being reminded that Elizabeth's youngest child exists, and presumably does something. Edward's life has been one of disappointment and failure. The Royal Marines paid for his tuition at university, and he promptly dropped out of commando training after three months, much to the annoyance of his father, who was the Captain-General of the regiment. Though frankly the sight of the wiry, effette Prince Edward mincing his way onto a beach would be unlikely to elicit much terror from the men machine-gunning him from the pillboxes.
Eddy, who is definitely not a homosexual, decided that he wanted to be in the theater instead, and got a job as a production assistant in a London theater, working under arse-faced psychopath Andrew Lloyd-Webber. Together, they were responsible for such masterpieces as Starlight Express (a musical whereby men on roller-skates pretend to be trains) and of course Cats, whose stage version was just as weird as the film. He then moved into TV, creating the trainwreck known as "It's a Royal Knockout" a sort of Takeshi's castle-type affair where teams sponsored by him, Prince Andrew and Princess Anne competed to see who could lose their dignity the fastest. The show was a humiliating disaster, and apparently the Queen, who told him not to do it, was furious and never treated him with any respect ever again.
Edward then married PR guru Sophie Rhys-Jones and was made an Earl, unlike the Duke titles given to his siblings - the Queen clearly still harboured a grudge. Sophie, clearly suffering under her husband's dismal influence, then became the frontwoman for the launch of the Rover 75, a car model on whose success the future of Rover, and with it the last remaining independent British car maker, depended. The fact that you have not heard of the Rover 75 tells you how well that went, and Rover was split up and sold to the Germans, so at least the Royals kept it in family lands I suppose.
After that fiasco very little was heard of Edward. Wikipedia is so short of things to say about his life in the 21st century that it devotes an entire paragraph to a time he visited Scotland in 2019 to get a custom tartan made. Riveting.
RATING:
So, not the strongest showing from Liz's offspring. What about Charles' sprogs?
Prince William
Balding, toothy posho William
At the very least William learned one important lesson from his mother - the value of Shutting the Fuck Up, something his dad never got the hang of. William avoids controversy by employing the highly advanced strategy of not saying or doing anything, ever. Well, he does things, but they tend to be of the opening-an-industrial-estate variety, and he does technically say things, inasmuch as his mouth opens and recognisable words come out, resulting in less-than-profound utterances such as "bullying is bad" and "I was sad when my mum died." Much like England football manager Gareth Southgate, he is so stunningly inarticulate in expressing such sentiments that nobody believes that they actually originated in his brain. He says words, we understand that those words were written by even duller people than him, he understands that we understand that, everyone makes a token attempt to nod and agree with them, and everyone gets on with the things British people do nowadays, such as being killed by the NHS or freezing to death in blackouts because the government refused to build more nuclear power stations in 2010 on the grounds that "they wouldn't be ready till 2021".
William is married to a woman called Kate, who now goes by "Catherine" in the false belief that it would make her more interesting. Kate is just as much of a charisma vacuum as he is and spends her time going to events to smile blankly at disabled children who smile blankly back. Presumably the people organising these events have to carry photos of all the attendees to work out which ones go in the short bus and which ones go in the limo afterwards, though if they did get mixed up I don't think anyone would notice. These two have in fact managed to mate, an act that presumably resembled two cardboard cutouts slapping together, and have produced three children including the new third-in-line to the throne Prince George. Given the genes this poor child inherited, he may grow up to be be even less articulate than Habsburg Emperor Ferdinand 1st, whose most coherent recorded utterance was "I'm the Emperor and I want dumplings."
RATING:
Everyone agrees that this tedious marionette is the King that they would rather have than Charles, though the list of people would rather have as King than Charles is rather a long one. Long that it is though, it notably does not include Wills' younger brother...
Prince Harry
For many years, there was a seemingly all-pervasive rumour that Prince Harry wasn't actually Prince Charles' son. Now whilst his mother did act like a chimpanzee in heat in the presence of anyone in a uniform, it soon became very apparent that Prince Harry is most definitely Charles' son - because he is a stupid, vain narcissist with worse taste in women than Phil Hartman too soon?.
Most Americans will know Prince Harry from his interview with Oprah Winfrey, whereby a billionaire interviewed a multi-millionaire in an idyllic garden surrounded by private security and servants catering to their every whim, the topic of discussion being how terrible their lives were and how they were horribly oppressed.
Harry married D-list actor Megan Markle, as we cannot avoid but being constantly reminded no matter how much we don't care. We are reminded about this because they give interviews on national TV and now have an entire Netflix series dedicated to how they feel their privacy is being intruded on, while they show us all his baby photos.
Megan, if you squint a bit and adjust the contrast on your TV, is very slightly darker-skinned than he is. This of course means that all criticism of this ginger malcontent and his spectacularly talentless and annoying wife is down to racism, and not, for example, due to the fact that she induced him to derelict his duties as second-in-line to the throne and that they keep complaining about how hard their lives are from a station so elevated they probably need oxygen tanks just to breathe. Harry, of course, repudiates racism and would never do anything...
Oh. Whoops*.
That picture was taken at a "Colonials and Natives" costume party, which is apparently the sort of thing aristocrats do. Managing to stand out as having a particularly offensive costume at a "Colonials and Natives" party is the kind of achievement of which only Prince Harry is probably capable.
As part of this Netflix series that for some reason the BBC is devoting more airtime to than Netflix itself, Harry said that Prince William "screamed at him" during a particularly difficult meeting at Buckingham Palace. He is very clearly making this up, because this would require Prince William to both posess a strong opinion and express it forcefully, neither of which he is capable of doing, unless maybe they updated his firmware.
RATING:
*Google returns no results when you search for "Prince Harry Nazi Uniform" from a UK IP address, though if you search "Prince Harry Colonials and Natives" you can find it. Harry again showing how powerless and oppressed he is. Cunt.
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- Joined
- Aug 25, 2019
@Spunt reply bug, but this quote caught my attention:
I know he’s an odd fellow with strange musical/artistic tastes and major accusations of plagiarism, but “arsed-faced psychopath” tells me he’s more of a lolcow than Wikipedia mentions. Curious to hear more about this as he’s kind of a big deal for 20th century pop culture (for better or worse).
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2017
ALW had a reality show called "Over the Rainbow" that was a search for someone to play Dorothy in his new version of the Wizard of Oz.
When each contestant was eliminated, they had to sing a solo slot for him thanking him for humiliating them and hand him back the red slippers they were wearing while he sat on a literal throne and covered his crotch with his hands. Watch this and tell me that isn't the face of a man with a raging erection:
(This being the BBC they of course picked the girl with the darkest skin tone in the end.)
- Joined
- May 17, 2019
NerdShamer
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2018
Ok, this had me laughing an lot longer than I should have.
Although, it's an bit of an disappointment that you only covered the last generation or so of Royals.
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2020
Holy shit I knew about Charles and the tampon thing. But that whole conversation was like two garbage tier AIs trying to figure out sex mixed with bits of dialogue from that Phoenix Wright hentai game.
HUFF-N-PUFF-N
CAMILLAAAAAAAAA
YOU CLEAN OUT MY TUUUUUBE
HUFF-N-PUFF-N
CAMILLAAAAAAAAA
YOU CLEAN OUT MY TUUUUUBE
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- Joined
- Dec 22, 2020
Some of that had me proper cackling out loud, good work fella 
Liz and the Phil the Greek shacked up in '47 BTW. She was crowned in '52 at 25yrs old.
Liz and the Phil the Greek shacked up in '47 BTW. She was crowned in '52 at 25yrs old.
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2019
TOO SOOOOOOOOOON!
Also, the Rover 75 is a solid, dependable, and all-round pretty decent car. It could have been positioned as a budget beemer (without the up-sold indicator delete that comes with the full-fat models). It had a similar styling, after all, and it shared a lot of parts.
Also, Harry is fifth in line, not second. Megain thought she could escalate through HR to get herself made queen because she made the same mistake.
Also, the Rover 75 is a solid, dependable, and all-round pretty decent car. It could have been positioned as a budget beemer (without the up-sold indicator delete that comes with the full-fat models). It had a similar styling, after all, and it shared a lot of parts.
Also, Harry is fifth in line, not second. Megain thought she could escalate through HR to get herself made queen because she made the same mistake.
keytar
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 31, 2021
Blessed are we to receive an update on this thread. It's one of my favourites on the Farms, both informative and makes me cackle with laughter. Almost can't believe I'm saying this but I also miss Liz. 
Ok, maybe I miss this old bastard too
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2019
But I thought this thread was supposed to be for fat Americans, so why is there a big essay about a different country in here? Gotta give international cliff notes if you expect to keep the attention of a true patriot.
If I was interested in spending a lot of time learning about other countries I'd be able to find Germany on a map by now.
If I was interested in spending a lot of time learning about other countries I'd be able to find Germany on a map by now.