horrible hookup experience last night (nsfw)
Hey guys,
I've never talked about my sex life on here before but I had a super shitty experience last night and don't feel like there's anywhere else I can talk about it.
Background: just got out of a 2.5 year (open) relationship this summer and since then have hooked up with a couple of people I already knew as friends ahead of time. I live in a new city now, though, so I joined OKCupid last week to try and meet some people casually. Cute girl starts messaging me pretty much right away, we flirted, exchanged #s, etc, all leading up to hanging out at like midnight last night at her place. There was no doubt we were just gonna hook up -- we were both already kinda drunk from halloween party drinking and it was basically a midnight booty call -- so when I got there we smoked a little weed, talked for a bit (mostly about trans stuff actually), and started hooking up.
Now, my dysphoria around sex plays games with my mind sometimes. Like, sometimes it's absolutely horrible and I don't like to be touched on top or bottom, and some other times I'm fine being fully naked and touched wherever. I never know what I'm gonna get on any given day/with any given partner. Last night, I was feeling like I wanted to be mostly clothed during the earlier stages/first rounds of the hookup, so for like 30-40 min (while I secretly was trying to feel out my body feelz for the day) I just explicitly made the focus about her and it was all fine.
AND THEN there was an obvious time for the focus to switch so she starts touching me and kissing my neck and whatever, but when she reaches down to grab my junk (I wear an archer packer) thru my briefs, she literally laughs out loud, in my face. She didn't mean to be malicious -- it was literally her natural reaction to grabbing it. I was so horrified I kind of forcibly rolled her off me and started getting dressed. She apologized but she was STILL laughing, and then she tried to explain it away with "sorry, all penises are just funny to me" and I was like "do you laugh when you sleep with cis men" (she's queer) and she was like "no I don't, you're right, I really didn't mean to laugh at your toy" (my toy???) AS SHE WAS STILL LAUGHING. And then I left, after 4am, stoned and embarrassed and depressed.
Has anyone ever been humiliated like this during sex before? My relationship with my ex was open so I've had my fair share of partners since coming out as trans (went to an uber queer college in MA where the dating scene was great for trans guys), and until last night I'd never had a single negative experience as far as women interacting with my body. It was so jarring and awful. I've just felt humiliated and emasculated and sad all day. Like, it's making me feel stupid/fraudulent for packing and now makes me feel like I never want to have sex with my current body again (that sounds more dramatic than I mean it to sound). It's kind of sending me into a panic pit about my future (which is a rare feeling for me). Some of this is just raw emotion that will surely dissipate, but this girl really did knock my confidence down several notches.
Any encouragement or words of advice for the future welcome. Thanks for letting me vent here. Just feeling bad today.