Star Trek - Space: The Final Frontier

[TenMilesWide]

Oh great. You get shoved into a fucking tin can, and you won't even get access to the telly, because there is no telly. Do they at least serve booze on the NCC-1488?

Only synthehol.

You're gonna have to hope some friendly engineer has been keeping bottles of the real stuff hidden away behind the wall panels.

 

[Mr. Racewar1488]

All right. Nullchayev is the flag officer, AnOminous is captain, Curzon Dax-sama is our manwhore first officer, Mr. Racewar1488 is chief of engineering, and Flexo is our borg chief of operations. We are aboard NCC-1488, the USS Kiwi, a Defiant-class vessel. The main mission is intel and fact-finding and no one knows why were given an overpowered warship. Starfleet doesn't like that Captain AnOminous blows up so many vessels, but Admiral Nullchayev doesn't care because "they deserved it." Most of the time, the crew is working against Ferengi splinter groups which broke away from the Alliance in defiance of Rom's reforms. It is an open secret that Nullchayev hates the Indians Ferengi for banning him from all latinum processing networks. Maybe that's why we got a Defiant....

I'm having too much fun with this. It's giving me ridiculous story ideas.

This is the Johnny Bravo timeline version of Lt. Tired of This Shit, not the Prime timeline.

 

[Captain Syrup]

Television not existing anymore was such a bizarre addition to the lore.

Television was gone by the time the holodeck showed up. Even Tom Paris needed a holodeck just to get a film projector cranking hologram reels while pretending to watch a film.

Early TNG was written by hippies who thought dolphins should co-pilot starships so when Data drops a line about TV not "lasting" he makes it seem like it was banned.

 

[XYZpdq Jr.]

Early TNG was written by hippies who thought dolphins should co-pilot starships

Cetacean Ops is a Gunbuster reference, not just normal hippy woo
it's retro 70s SF hippy woo through a big-titted hairy-bushed 80s anime lens, referenced by Trek

 

[Miller]

Only synthehol.

"synthetic drinks, synthetic front holes..."

 

[BIG BILL HELL'S]

"synthetic drinks, synthetic front holes..."
View attachment 7794304

Yes, but Lwaxana's back hole is 100% organic!

 

[Flexo]

All right. Nullchayev is the flag officer, AnOminous is captain, Curzon Dax-sama is our manwhore first officer, Mr. Racewar1488 is chief of engineering, and Flexo is our borg chief of operations. We are aboard NCC-1488, the USS Kiwi, a Defiant-class vessel. The main mission is intel and fact-finding and no one knows why were given an overpowered warship. Starfleet doesn't like that Captain AnOminous blows up so many vessels, but Admiral Nullchayev doesn't care because "they deserved it." Most of the time, the crew is working against Ferengi splinter groups which broke away from the Alliance in defiance of Rom's reforms. It is an open secret that Nullchayev hates the Indians Ferengi for banning him from all latinum processing networks. Maybe that's why we got a Defiant....

I'm having too much fun with this. It's giving me ridiculous story ideas.

Screw it! Use A.I. to make this shit...

(I mean I'm already getting the redneck treks in my feed now, may as well use the power to make something I'll enjoy.)

Oh great. You get shoved into a fucking tin can, and you won't even get access to the telly, because there is no telly. Do they at least serve booze on the NCC-1488?

I will definitely add booze supplies to my duties!

 

[Fatsuit Shinji]

You're gonna have to hope some friendly engineer has been keeping bottles of the real stuff hidden away behind the wall panels.

Real engineers would be building, hiding and running a proper still abroad the ship. Otherwise you're have navelize versions of these quotes. From the movie
The Beast [1988]

Daskal: [drinks from Kaminski's canteen and spits it out] Brake fluid?
Koverchenko: No wonder they don't work.

Koverchenko: Well, sir, the roadwheel's cracked. Kaminski drank our brakes. We're low on petrol. The battery's low. We're losing oil. If the engine heats up it's gonna seize. The terrain, obviously against us. We have no rations. The Mujas behind us don't seem to run on rations, petrol, or anything we know of. And they have an RPG. Their aim is getting better. Sir.

Cause the "sailors" will be making versions of torpedo juice and other concoctions out of stuff you don't want them opening shit that ain't supposed to open.

 

[AnOminous]

I would of course be third in command, in charge of guarding cargo.

Give it up, we're not letting you anywhere near the alcohol.

 

[Mr. Racewar1488]

LAST TIME ON STAR TREK: GREEN TEXT
>Why didn't you check what the holoprogram was!? The command staff are now futa catgirls in heat!
>Lieutenant, you can't win wargames by filling the bridge and engineering with dildos!
AND NOW THE CONTINUATION

Be me, Lieutenant in engineering.
>Transferred to Deep Space 8, aka Starfleet Retard Corral, as punishment for my "unique" problem solving skills.
>Chief Engineer is a Trill QT3.14 who just got a symbiot with three lives of engineers but she's only 23 and originally a xeno botanist.
>Is either a brilliant engineer or she has a "bad symbiot day" where she doesn't want to do any work and tends to her flowers she has growing all over the converted warp core.
>Has sanpaku eyes, no way I'm putting my dick in that.
>The original station was destroyed during the Dominion War, replacement is six Galaxy-class saucer sections welded together.
>Chief QT3.14 tells me to deal with the upgrade of the EMH program since she's having a "bad symbiot day". Fucking Trills.
>Read briefing on PADD as I head over to Sickbay. Have to replace the EMH Mk. II due to it molesting patients and drunken behavior.
>Why the fuck is the CMO using an EMH all the time? There's never more than a couple of people in Sickbay at a time.
>Walk into Sickbay, CMO is a Pakled. A motherfucking Pakled.
>"Computer doctor no work. Make it go!" It babbles at me. Dr. Retard was using an EMH instead of doing its job.
>I nod and head to the EMH console, begin uploading EMH Mk. 8. I can feel it breathing behind me.
>"Why no more funny yellow hair doctor!? He made me laugh!" I ignore it, pretend I'm doing serious work.
>Program finishes downloading, need to initialize it from primary Sickbay console.
>Push past Dr. Retard, the molester enjoyer, and sit at its desk. It gets distracted by its tricorder.
>I shake my head and start trying to use the display after I clean the yamok sauce off of it. Why Dr. Retard likes Spoonhead fish sauce makes no sense but whatever
>The only program running is a message program I don't recognize. Fuck, now I have to wipe 7 or 8 isolinear chips to remove an unauthorized program.
>The most recent message is from Pakled Intelligence(lol) asking for an update on his mission. WTF?
>Scroll through the rest of the messages: Dr. Retard is an undercover Pakled agent trying to steal Star Fleet medical tech. The same tech we give away. For free.
>Sigh and bury face in my hands. Call security to deal with this bullshit. Chief of Security is a Dominion War vet that wears an eyepatch even though his eye is fine.
>Security comes in to question Dr. Retard. Chief asks him about the messages to Pakled Intelligence.
>Dr. Retard starts breathing heavily and looks around quickly. Lets out the loudest, shrillest squeal and pushes two ensigns a few meters back before running into the hallway.
>Chief yells at me to help since the two ensigns are out cold. We chase the lumbering tard down the hall into the Arboretum.
>Dr. Retard is attempting to hide behind a tree a third his size. Chief yells at him to come out. Retard grabs the tree, lifts it up with his tard strength, and throws it like a javelin at the Chief.
>Chief barely dodges it, Retard starts running towards the fake pond, its hands flapping the whole way.
>Retard trips, falls into fake pond, its head hitting a real rock. Pakled skulls aren't as thick as I thought. Dr. Retard is spasming and not much else.
>Chief of Security starts laughing and then crying. The blood in the pond is triggering a flashback. He starts mumbling about Spoonheads and Jemmies in the trees while rocking back and forth in a bush.
>A few hours later I'm in the Captain's office explaining the situation to her and two admirals since I'm the only one not in Sickbay or having a mental breakdown who witnessed everything.
>The admirals agree to not contact the Pakleds to save us the embarrassment of admitting a fucking Pakled infiltrated Star Fleet Medical.
>For the first time in a year a captain isn't pissed I did my job. Got promoted to Assistant Chief Engineer. Get to cover for Chief QT3.14 when she's having a "bad symbiot day".
>"Feels good, man."

 

[TenMilesWide]

Real engineers would be building, hiding and running a proper still abroad the ship. Otherwise you're have navelize versions of these quotes. From the movie

Preventing torpedo juice is exactly the point of the synthehol - it'll get you buzzed, the replicators are allowed to dispense it (mostly) freely, and it's engineered to wear off quickly so you can still be effective in event of an emergency. The replicators almost certainly have the mechanical capacity to dispense normal ethanol and it's entirely possible that civilian replicators aren't restricted from doing so, it's just that starfleet locks theirs down in software for reasons of professionalism and safety.
So a real engineer wouldn't even need to set up a still, just crack the replicator safety protocols and hope that doesn't blow up the ship somehow or phone home to HQ and send a S31 kill squad after you or anything like that.

 

[Curzon Dax-sama]

>Has sanpaku eyes, no way I'm putting my dick in that.

Still would, the consequences be damned.

>The admirals agree to not contact the Pakleds to save us the embarrassment of admitting a fucking Pakled infiltrated Star Fleet Medical.

Pakleds are Starfleet Intelligence's kryptonite, lol.

 

[BIG BILL HELL'S]

Chief of Security is a Dominion War vet that wears an eyepatch even though his eye is fine.

OK, I literally LOLed out loud at this one.

Jemmies in the trees

Do Jem'Hadar surf?

 

[AnOminous]

The replicators almost certainly have the mechanical capacity to dispense normal ethanol and it's entirely possible that civilian replicators aren't restricted from doing so, it's just that starfleet locks theirs down in software for reasons of professionalism and safety.

This is why you just pull a Barclay and bypass the rules and just have it generate actual ethanol, just like Barclay bypassed the rules letting him have a VR wank to the Starfleet women he wanted to bang.

 

[Hey Johnny Bravo]

>Scroll through the rest of the messages: Dr. Retard is an undercover Pakled agent trying to steal Star Fleet medical tech. The same tech we give away. For free.
>Sigh and bury face in my hands. Call security to deal with this bullshit. Chief of Security is a Dominion War vet that wears an eyepatch even though his eye is fine.

>Chief barely dodges it, Retard starts running towards the fake pond, its hands flapping the whole way.

These were my favorite parts. I literally lol'd. Very good.

Still would, the consequences be damned.

You would, you dirty dog.

 

[Mr. Racewar1488]

Pakleds are Starfleet Intelligence's kryptonite, lol.

I know Lower Decks did a season long arc about the Paklads going to war with the Federation but I figure a Cold War-style scenario would be funnier. An intel agency run by literal retards versus Star Fleet Security and it's general incompetence makes for a better story.

 

[Xev]

I want to be the adjutant for Admiral Patrick because it would provide me with an ever flowing continuum of milk and that is worth its weight in latinum.

 

[Curzon Dax-sama]

You would, you dirty dog.

Trill pussy is that good.

I know Lower Decks did a season long arc about the Paklads going to war with the Federation but I figure a Cold War-style scenario would be funnier. An intel agency run by literal retards versus Star Fleet Security and it's general incompetence makes for a better story.

More, I want more. Total retard war in space.

 

[Hey Johnny Bravo]

@Mr. Racewar1488 having greentext stories about a Pakled Cold War sounds fantastic. Your little stories are very funny and better than mine in terms of constant punchlines.

 

[Ultraman Orb Dark]

Television not existing anymore was such a bizarre addition to the lore.

There was an episode of Lower Decks that revealed that the Ferengi still had TV.

Television was gone by the time the holodeck showed up.

On the one hand, I can see why the interactivity of the Holodeck would make TV obsolete. On the other hand, I don't get how people in the future wouldn't see the appeal in sitting on the couch and watching The Office reruns after a long day at work.

I know Lower Decks did a season long arc about the Paklads going to war with the Federation but I figure a Cold War-style scenario would be funnier. An intel agency run by literal retards versus Star Fleet Security and it's general incompetence makes for a better story.

Just imagine if the Pakleds ally with another race of idiots like the Kazon.