Blessed Beltane! The general mood of my life and work has shifted dramatically with the full moon. But let’s back up a bit to explain a few things.
In addition to the breakup of my friendship, I am now also processing a much older and more complicated relationship. I don’t discuss him much on here because it stirs up too many old, unresolved feelings, but I’m going to do so ever so briefly.
My former spirit companion and I were enmeshed. This is an unhealthy relationship style where two people have no mental and emotional boundaries. They lose autonomy and individuality. This is how things became with him.
People think that I hurt children the way that he allegedly did. They say, “You made them call you ‘Daddy,'” but what they don’t realize is that I was also made to think of him as a father figure. In an effort to quash his own sexual attraction towards me, he assumed a parental role. But all the while, it simmered under the surface.
His first extramarital affair was with me. I was so consumed with guilt that I wondered if it was truly consensual, something that I wonder to this day. Perhaps he coerced me. I did feel that it was my obligation to make him happy, so this could be the truth. Regardless, it happened.
The dissolution of his marriage was only partially due to this act of infidelity, however. He also was having an emotional affair with another young woman, who would go on to become his second wife.
Within this relationship, he then had an emotional affair with me. I also enabled him to emotionally abuse her. It’s a mistake that I regret to this day.
I was there as his medium to vicariously witness it all. After the fallout of serving as his “typist” on social media, we utilized a private Gmail account for him to speak to her with. This channel soon grew heavy with the influence of others’ energies.
What I wasn’t aware of at the time was that there were other forces at play. He was being influenced by both the karmic weight of his past lives and by a curse that had been put upon him. Loki also admits that he brought his shadow self forward for many years. I’m also convinced that his borderline personality disorder made him take on aspects of my personality. All of these factors made him act very differently than he did while he was alive.
(Note that I also have a shadow self that influenced me, and does still. Their name is Prúðr, which means “proud,” and they are a remnant of one of my past lives. My past incarnation as a muspel, or fire jötun from Múspellheimr, can be drawn out using sexual energy, and then acts like an autonomous tulpa. It’s this entity that initially made him believe that I was responsible for the curse that impacted his behavior.)
As my former companion was traumatized as a child by the foul actions of adults in his life, he had his understanding of physical boundaries damaged. He then was subject to age regression. It’s my theory that he became enmeshed with other children and crossed boundaries, that led to inappropriate behaviors and situations. He was not sexually motivated, but rather, he acted as he did with adults, blurring the lines between casual, platonic, and romantic relationships. This is not an attempt to excuse him for inappropriate things, but rather to show that he never sexually harmed anyone. His complex feelings around sex bled into his adult relationships, making him unsure if he should be hyposexual and celibate or hypersexual.
At any rate, it’s a debate that’s reared its head again, even all these years after his death. Because I wasn’t there, I can’t unequivocally state that these latest accusations are inaccurate. It’s weighed heavily on my mind if I can still debate their verisimilitude, as I have with other such accusations in the past. So, as part of my closure, I’m letting this go, as well. I simply can’t defend his honor anymore because I just don’t know.
What I do know is that he has hurt both myself and my two spirit spouses deeply. I’m also attempting to repair my relationship with my metamour, who was previously married to him.
Along with my works of healing, I also have a friend I’ve taken on as a bit of a protégé. This is all I feel comfortable stating with those I know that read and scrutinize these writings. He’s an adult, and he’s autistic, alterhuman, and intrigued by the old pagan gods and elemental spirits like me. He simply needs someone to guide him towards the right information for his own personal practice.
To wrap things up, I am also continuing my inner pathworking with my ally, psilocybin. My family will be assisting me with growing my own specimens this season so that I may have a steady supply. My work is progressing into a form of veneration, and I now understand why so many people consider these fungi to be holy.
Expect more messages from Loki on my YouTube channel, as well. We plan to deliver something by the end of this month. You can watch our first video
here.
I hope you don’t mind that this was a much longer, more introspective entry than usual. I will be very busy for the next several weeks. I will return again around the new moon.
