I don't bother looking here in a while, and then I stop in out of curiousity, and see this shit.
Probably TL;DR. Lot of shit to cover.
Look...I am just trying to be a decent, well-rounded person, and move on with my life. I have been fighting extreme depression for a while now (and no, I'm not "trying to get sympathy", since damn near everyone suffers from depression). I am not used to feeling this way. I don't understand why I can't just snap out of it. I don't understand why situations I used to be able to confront head-on now make me burst into tears. I've been experiencing episodes that genuinely scare and confuse me. I AM A HUMAN BEING. I'm not smarter or "more rational" than anyone else, yet it still feels as if people sometimes hold me to a standard I just don't fit into. I never asked for that. No one is perfect.
I have listened to others, admitted to, and am trying to undo negative patterns of behavior. Everything you're listing here, I am 100% aware of, and have been talking about with my counselor. I had thought I apologized from my heart, but there's an unfortunate trend these days of refusing to accept change or sincerity in others we've had a negative impression of. We all do it. This site thrives on it just as much as tumblr. For what it's worth, I was truly trying to convey how things feel for me. My tendency towards long blocks of text is also indicative of my inability to get things out in a concise way that I feel confident with.
As for deleting things on my blog, I have every right to remove what I no longer stand by, as it then no longer represents me, or how I feel. Yes, that means that--despite initial stubbornness and immaturity--I LISTENED to what others were telling me (I know I'm often bullheaded. I got it from ma, and she got it from grandpa, and he was just a stubborn old cuss). Sometimes criticism comes from within, and maybe a minute after posting something--before it's even seen--I think, "Wait a minute. But what about...". Sometimes I don't take everything into account. Sometimes I just second guess and doubt myself, because I'm not a confident person.. Other times, some things are just not worth getting into, or worth continuing. I don't want my blog to be filled with drama. I don't want page after page arguing with people over inconsequential shit. I've already been there, and it's not what I want to be about. My blog is my space to share what I enjoy in the hopes others enjoy it as well. Thus, it is my prerogative to not want to dwell on negativity for the sake of my own mental well-being. I allowed a lot of it to sit and fester on my blog for a LONG time.
I'm sure some of you are aware that much of what was said to me regarding the Nazi punching were things I had previously said to others. I'll no doubt be mocked for this, but over the past year, I had been kind of reconnecting to my old roots, and reblogging a lot of punk history, and just thinking back to how I was as a teen (genuinely questioning my personal growth, rather than going "No, it's the kids these days that are wrong!"). A lot of punk history is founded in anti-fascism, and being vehemently anti-Nazi (particularly when neo-Nazis tried to force their way into the community). I guess I just got swept up in that fervor, not realizing that that was a different time. People didn't used to throw around terms like "Nazi" as carelessly as they do today. The image of anti-establishment punks beating down neo-Nazis with baseball bats is a romantic notion, but this is a different playing field now, and I can't deny that statistics would suggest that hate crimes actually began increasing again AFTER Richard Spence got decked. Times CHANGE, and even if a sentiment is comforting, that doesn't always make it the right course of action.
As for Pinkiepony, I've actually never thought she was 100% a "bad person". I STILL don't think a lot of the "SJW" crowd is. Maybe I'm just continuing to be naive and wanting to see the good in people, but I think there's more to being a legitimately bad person than making stupid mistakes because you're being enabled by the environment you're in. They're just dumb, lonely kids making bad decisions for Internet popularity. Teenagers now have their worst years of life plastered all over public spaces for all eyes to see. That shit ain't healthy for them. It lets them to be at their worst with little consequence. To my knowledge, PP herself never doxxed anyone. She talked a lot of shit, but that was about it. I still don't feel as if her actions deserved the level of retaliation she received, and I regret having any part of it. Yes, among that lot there are actual predators and abusers, but I'd say the majority are nothing when out from behind a screen.
And as for antis, and "fiction vs reality" and all that crap, it doesn't matter what I say here, because there is no "right" response. There are people on this site from both extremes. Do I think drawings should be held on the same level as abusing and exploiting a real child? No. But, at the same time, the existence of some things worries and confuses me, and it feels like there HAS been a distorting effect on people's perceptions when it comes to stuff like the weird shit that comes out of Japan. This is something I am still torn by. There is no clear cut place to stand, as it's an extremely muddy and slippery issue. In the end, my concerns have all stemmed from my personal experiences growing up during a time when the horror films I love were under constant attack from "concerned parent groups" and the media telling me what I was going to be some violent criminal for enjoying violent films and games, despite being someone that will literally apologize to a stuffed animal for knocking it over (and there's a lot of those fuzzy motherfuckers around here).
I've said my piece. Make of it what you will. I'm just tired of this back and forth, black and white, "Whose side are you on??" bullshit. I don't "turn traitor". I don't "slip up", and if I was such a "coward" I wouldn't post publicly saying "I was/am wrong. I hurt people I didn't intend to through my chosen actions. I am flawed. I am trying to improve".
I will continue to do what is best for my mental health and well-being. I am not defined by others. I know who I am, and that's all that matters.
