The American Rabbit

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I've seen the movie. Needless to say, it's quite a mediocre viewing experience. Bland characters, ridiculous storyline, etc. I can see why Chris would like it though. It's simple enough to entertain him. But yeah. It's pretty much bargain bin stuff.
 
JFKdestroyer said:
Cole? Is that you?

;)
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Cole would only like American Rabbit if it were a witty satire on why big business and capitalism are evil, you know those moose were running a huge chocolate cartel man

Also if anyone is curious, this movie was based off of 2 books, so Chris likes the NOT true and honest version:

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Well, I finally decided to watch this video tonight. @Gawker asked me to liveblog the experience so he wouldn't have to watch it himself. Since I saw people in this thread that either didn't want to watch it or couldn't get through it, I've decided to post my play-by-play so you guys can follow along without losing any brain cells.

Flowerwall: i'm about to waste and hour and 20 minutes of my life
Gawker: TELL ME MORE
Flowerwall: i've been putting it off, but i think it's time
Flowerwall: i'm going to watch The Adventures of the American Rabbit
Gawker: oh god why
Gawker: don't
Gawker: you have so much to live for
Flowerwall: I NEED TO SEE IT
Flowerwall: i have to know
Gawker: :<
Gawker: It was good knowing you
Flowerwall: HERE I GO
Gawker: *SOBS AND RUNS OFF*
Flowerwall: okay i didn't expect to start at the Hoover Dam
Gawker: please live blog all of this
Flowerwall: that's quite a transformation sequence
Flowerwall: run until rollerskates appear on your feet
Flowerwall: ... *sits back* there's a surprising number of Japanese names in the credits
Flowerwall: i'm suddenly wondering what country this was made in
Flowerwall: COULD THIS ACTUALLY BE ANIME SOMEHOW
Flowerwall: nope this can't be anime. this baby bunny would've been a shit ton cuter if it were
Flowerwall: jesus christ these are the biggest rabbit ears i've ever seen in my life
Flowerwall: it's like they all have elephantitus
Flowerwall: skipping forward to a kid's ball game
Flowerwall: this is a really awkward sports conversation
Flowerwall: immediately followed by Minuet in G
Flowerwall: i'm getting the sense that this movie is going to be wall-to-wall after school special-esque life lessons
Flowerwall: i love how this guy has absolutely no idea what this woman is talking about and is just trying to agree for the sake of agreeing
Flowerwall: and now a family picnic
Flowerwall: oh noooo a boldeeer
Flowerwall: ...
Flowerwall: and the first canonical transformation happens just like that
Flowerwall: oh, it looks like Dumbledore's going to explain it
Gawker is idle at 6:15:04 PM.
Flowerwall: i swear this movie has every generic cartoon voice from the 80's i can remember
Flowerwall: i wonder when this movie came out
Flowerwall: "It seems like just the other day you were fooling around with your little school pals"
Flowerwall: WHAT SCHOOL PALS
Flowerwall: we have yet to see this kid with friends
Flowerwall: yeah c'mon kid Dumbledore is waiting
Flowerwall: ... or not. apparently he's being sent off on his own
Flowerwall: i guess he's Knuckles
Flowerwall: ...and then home just disappears??
Flowerwall: THE RABBIT ECHIDNAOPOLIS??
Flowerwall: okay now we're flying. like a total pro despite never practicing or being taught
Flowerwall: i guess he dualized when we weren't looking
Gawker is no longer idle at 6:18:01 PM.
Flowerwall: aaand cue the love babies of the Nasty Hyenas and Biker Mice from Mars
Gawker: BACK WHAT DID I MISS *READ UP*
Flowerwall: the protagonist sounds like Michael J Fox on helium
Flowerwall: oh noooo the bikers wanna eat hiiiim
Gawker: ffffff
Flowerwall: ......or not????
Flowerwall: they make every suggestion you can think of that they're going to eat him and just... leave??
Gawker: OH NO
Gawker: POSSIBLE CONFLICT
Gawker: bye
Flowerwall: "I saw a sign in the window that you're looking for a pianist."
"Yeah. what do you want?"
Flowerwall: WHAT DO YOU THINK HE WANTS
Flowerwall: i guess it was only a matter of time before we got a character named Bunnie O'Hare
Flowerwall: oh
Flowerwall: Minuet in G again
Gawker: pfhtbh
Flowerwall: i guess that's the only song he learned
Flowerwall: "bomp bomp bomp. bomp bomp ba-domp." excellent characterization of rock music.
Flowerwall: oh noooo the bikers are back
Gawker: UH OH
Gawker: WILL THEY THREATEN SOMETHING AGAIN AND LEAVE
Flowerwall: they're juggling glasses
Flowerwall: looks like they're offering mob protection
Flowerwall: basically "pay us or we'll break your legs"
Flowerwall: still no sign of eating the protag
Flowerwall: this conflict is so boring one of the bikers just yawned
Gawker: [fjtnj
Gawker: Biker: Why am I here
Flowerwall: aaand again they leave without actually following through on any threats
Flowerwall: THEY BROKE A FEW GLASSES THO
Gawker: OH NO NOT THE GLASSES
Flowerwall: okay so when they said this was a rock joint i think what they meant was rockabilly
Flowerwall: this fucking panda looks like he belongs at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza
Gawker: fff
Flowerwall: oh nooooo the bikers a third tiiiime
Flowerwall: levitating into the air to ride on tableees
Flowerwall: and the protag just keeps playing piano
Gawker: ignore the crazy fucking levitating bikers
Flowerwall: this is some of the most monotone voice acting
Gawker: what is emoting
Gawker: does it hurt
Flowerwall: even when characters are supposed to be scared or angry or assertive it's just "uh huh"
Flowerwall: Bunnie O'Hare: :| are you the one in charge of this?
main biker: yeah you could say that :o
Bunnie O'Hare: :\ could you be civil enough to stop for a minute?
bikers: *ride off*
Gawker: I guess the answer to that question is 'yes'
Flowerwall: way to go American Rabbit, just let the fucks ride around and break stuff and leave without transforming
Flowerwall: apparently the bikers are called the Jackals
Gawker: A hero for the ages
Flowerwall: HE'S FUCKING PLAYING THE PIANO AGAIN
Flowerwall: while trying to be part of the club owners' plan
Flowerwall: just keeps playing while leaning around the side and going "HEY I CAN HELP TOO"
Flowerwall: but with way less emotion
Gawker: fphtbehtbh
Flowerwall: okay next day
Flowerwall: talking to NPCs and bikers ride by and... that's it for that
Flowerwall: oh
Flowerwall: oh
Gawker: dundundun
Gawker: OH?
Flowerwall: here's the boss of the Jackals
Flowerwall: it's apparently a pair of eyeglasses wearing a zoot suit
Gawker: oh
Gawker: OK
Gawker: MAKES SENSE
Flowerwall: the glasses glow when they speak
Gawker: makes sense to me
Flowerwall: okay next day then
Flowerwall: we're at a rally. which is actually a parade
Flowerwall: we have a gorilla that sounds like Garfield if he were dumber and slightly stoned
Flowerwall: MY GOD THE MONOTONE
Flowerwall: literally, this is the line, with the emphasis of a yawn:
Flowerwall: "Hey, that's not nice. It's mean. They're being mean."
Flowerwall: all the same note. and slow.
Flowerwall: lskdjflksej and here's our hero
Flowerwall: "Oh, you're right. those guys are being mean. i think i'll wander back there and see what's happening"
Gawker: gdrhsdae my god
Flowerwall: apparently a buzzard can peck through the Golden Gate Bridge
Gawker: duh
Gawker: DUH
Gawker: WHY WOULDN'T IT
Flowerwall: "incredible hero" they say
Flowerwall: we've made it to an amphitheater
Flowerwall: Fridays After Five is about to begin
Gawker: pfhgbthebth
Flowerwall: well, at least this rally speech has some slight inflection
Gawker: Burn the witch and their ability to emote
Flowerwall: well, the protag's band is going on a national tour to raise money to repair the club that the bikers wrecked
Gawker: could've prevented the wrecking
Gawker: just say'n
Flowerwall: the suit-wearing eyeglasses seems displeased by this
Flowerwall: well i suppose it could be a suit wearing eyeglasses really
Flowerwall: who the fucking fuck could tell
Flowerwall: the buzzard is its pet. or is at least perching on its cane
Gawker: wrecking a club
Gawker: is not the same scale as the golden gate bridge
Flowerwall: the suit seems to have the best voice acting
Gawker: that's kind of sad
Flowerwall: apparently the gorilla's name is Ping Pong
Flowerwall: okay so one of the bikers is luring the gorilla away
Flowerwall: the biker is a telegram messenger. but still riding his fucking bike
Flowerwall: subtle
Gawker: fffhahaha
Flowerwall: wh
Flowerwall: what
Flowerwall: sorry but
Flowerwall: he just injected the gorilla with something
Flowerwall: that seems a bit out of place for a movie this bland
Gawker: aids
Flowerwall: sldkjflsiehl
Flowerwall: okay so they've noticed the gorilla is missing
Flowerwall: and they've found the syringe
Flowerwall: and the panda says "so what?"
Flowerwall: they're scheduled to play at a club called The Trap Door
Flowerwall: on the Grand Canyon
Flowerwall: this doesn't sound at all like a trap
Flowerwall: ...yeah that's the first idea
Flowerwall: they're driving on the roads around the canyon and can't find the alleged club
Flowerwall: so the protag says "i think we'd have better luck if we rafted down the river"
Gawker: okay
Gawker: just
Gawker: okay
Flowerwall: and insists he knows everything about how to raft because his dad was in the navy
Flowerwall: and then SENDS THEM ON AHEAD WITHOUT HIM
Flowerwall: apparently he put his rafting knowledge in the raft with them
Flowerwall: and then bikers show up without even wearing disguises and fool him into thinking they're the club owners
Flowerwall: and now we're going to drown a gorilla
Flowerwall: the suit has a little AoStH Robotnik in him. he's rolling his Rs
Flowerwall: well, the ape won't join. time to die.
Flowerwall: and now the protag is tap dancing
Flowerwall: and then goes around the corner and transforms i guess, despite not having enough room to run until the skates appeared
Flowerwall: aaand we're flying with a gorilla
Flowerwall: and flying more over the river
Gawker: grdurteu5r
Gawker: WELL THEN
Flowerwall: we've spotted the raft
Flowerwall: unsurprisingly two people fell out because they don't know shit about rafting
Flowerwall: and Bunnie O'Hare is in heat apparently
Flowerwall: oh noooo a waterfaaaaall
Flowerwall: and then he returns as himself and no one's connected the dots again
Flowerwall: okay on to New Orleans then
Flowerwall: well the next club has burnt down
Flowerwall: gee i wonder who did it
Flowerwall: lfksjelihsel the band members have annoyingly rhyming names
Flowerwall: ....and sudden suggestion of specism??
Gawker: grhdjtfges
Flowerwall: okay so they're just gonna
Flowerwall: leave
Flowerwall: sorry your club burned down club owner but we're just going to ditch you now
Flowerwall: aaand one of the jackals is luring them into a new fake gig
Flowerwall: you'd think they'd recognize them by now
Gawker: How does this keep happening
Flowerwall: honestly the jackals have the best character designs
Flowerwall: did i mention the bikers are all wearing buttons with a picture of the buzzard on it?
Flowerwall: the protag just noticed the button
Flowerwall: BUT THEY'RE STILL DOING THE GIG
Flowerwall: okay we're on a boat now
Flowerwall: looks like a riverboat
Flowerwall: band is playing to a suspiciously empty room
Flowerwall: "somehow i get the feeling these jackals are just as rotten as the other jackals"
Flowerwall: oh noooo they're locked iiiin
Flowerwall: jesus they're going to arson the boat
Flowerwall: this again feels kind of out of place for a movie this bland
Gawker: fesgrdhfes
Flowerwall: i
Flowerwall: think
Flowerwall: the suit's name is Walter
Gawker: this is crazy
Flowerwall: okay riverboat's on fire with the band locked in
Flowerwall: jackals left in a dingy
Flowerwall: and now the boat's exploding
Flowerwall: oop here's the transformation
Flowerwall: apparently in small spaces he just runs in a circle
Gawker: pfhtbh
Gawker: makes sense
Flowerwall: band is saved just before the boat completely blows up and sinks
Flowerwall: and the band has not noticed that the protag is missing
Flowerwall: oop spoke too soon, now they have
Flowerwall: he's telling them that his secret identity must've swum away
Flowerwall: i still haven't discerned what exactly is the suit's motivation for all this
Flowerwall: i don't know why he hates this specific club
Flowerwall: tho he's now talking about going to New York just to "be bad"
Gawker: fsepghestbh
Flowerwall: THANK YOU
Flowerwall: a jackal just asked "why are we doing this"
Gawker: YES WHY
Flowerwall: and the suit has replied "BECAUSE WE'RE BAD"
Flowerwall: always a valid motivation for the prime antagonist
Flowerwall: "Those jackals wanted to kill us."
"I got a funny feeling you might just be right about that."
Gawker: *sob*
Flowerwall: Bunnie O'Hare says they have "an obligation to oppose evil"
Flowerwall: she's apparently mad that they're thinking like a band and talking about getting new gigs and not talking about how to help American Rabbit
Flowerwall: aaaand now we're hitch hiking
Flowerwall: they don't seem to have
Flowerwall: instruments
Flowerwall: anymore
Flowerwall: how the hell are you supposed to get gigs now
Gawker: *SHRUG*
Gawker: Bands are known for fighting evil
Flowerwall: now we're crashing a board meeting of corporate penguins
Flowerwall: ah. we're here to beg for instruments
Flowerwall: they can't have instruments unless they pay up. sounds reasonable to me but apparently this is meant to make sad faces
Flowerwall: oop now the suit has come to meet the penguins right after the band leaves
Flowerwall: he wants to rent the Statue of Liberty
Gawker: dun dun dun
Flowerwall: oh noooo they're going to do bad things theeere
Flowerwall: uh
Flowerwall: now we're talking about delicious chocolate-based blackmail
Gawker: fsephgestbhebs
Flowerwall: the suit has threatened to pull a jackal's ears off if he doesn't get copious amounts of chocolate
Gawker: yum tasty
Flowerwall: "he who controls chocolate controls EVERYTHING"
Flowerwall: "the road to power is paved with chocolate"
Gawker: ok
Gawker: OK
Flowerwall: i
Flowerwall: i've been resisting this but it seems to be true
Flowerwall: the head jackal's name is Rotten
Gawker: pfhtbh
Gawker: Well then
Flowerwall: how do you name the sub-boss Rotten but the main boss Walter
Gawker: I DUNNO
Flowerwall: okay protag has transformed again
Flowerwall: we've found bombs in the statue
Flowerwall: which is filling with people because of chocolate promises
Flowerwall: slkjflkesjle
Flowerwall: I WAS RIGHT
Flowerwall: IT REALLY WAS JUST A SUIT
Gawker: just a suit?? With glasses?
Flowerwall: the protag attacked the suit and it was empty
Flowerwall: apparently the voice is coming from the buzzard
Flowerwall: so i guess the buzzard's name is Walter
Flowerwall: okay so American Rabbit has to fly around the statue and say what the buzzard wants
Gawker: fesghrd
Flowerwall: okay i think the bad guy's name might be Voltar?
Gawker: oh
Gawker: well then
Flowerwall: the announcement is basically "if you don't do what they say they'll kill you and if you obey you get chocolate"
Flowerwall: anndd it seems to be working?
Flowerwall: looks like the buzzard is taking over
Gawker: Uh
Gawker: uuuhhh
Gawker: this is so
Gawker: stupid
Flowerwall: jackals are going around demanding mob protection money again like in the beginning
Flowerwall: oop looks like people have had enough
Flowerwall: seems all of New York outnumbers the jackals
Flowerwall: WHO KNEW
Gawker: WEIRD
Flowerwall: oh nooo Rotten is in trouble
Flowerwall: the buzzard is pissed
Flowerwall: oh
Flowerwall: revelation
Flowerwall: Rotten has pointed out that people don't like the bad guys
Gawker: No shit
Flowerwall: so Walter's threatening to kill everyone because no one likes him, i guess?
Flowerwall: (i don't care if it's Voltar i'm still calling him Walter)
Gawker: yes
Gawker: Grow up Walter this is why no one likes you
Flowerwall: oookay Dumbledore is back. as a cab driver.
Flowerwall: giving the protag a pep talk. apparently he ran away earlier?? this is so dumb i think i lost track
Flowerwall: the pep talk basically consists of "do something"
Gawker: fsegrdhefs
Flowerwall: ...he's going to stop Niagara Falls so there won't be any electricity
Flowerwall: there's 7 minutes left in this movie
Flowerwall: Walter's losing his shit because his Doomsday switch isn't working
Flowerwall: (yes that's what it's called)
Flowerwall: American Rabbit's using electric levitation powers to make the Niagara water hover
Flowerwall: and the buzzard stole a baby moose
Flowerwall: it's the child of the moose that was supposed to be making chocolate but refused
Flowerwall: which was a subplot that was so banal i never mentioned it
Flowerwall: uh
Flowerwall: "No one's life is worth anything while he (the buzzard) is in control"
Flowerwall: pretty sure lives are still worth something even if a bad guy is in charge
Flowerwall: okay we've dropped the waterfall and we're chasing the buzzard
Flowerwall: and now it's snowing??
Flowerwall: okay here's the "join me instead of destroying me" pitch
Flowerwall: buzzard divebombs rabbit
Flowerwall: misses
Flowerwall: and then just gives up and dies
Gawker: ... *roffle*
Flowerwall: oop victory kiss from Bunnie O'Hare
Flowerwall: and now they see the American Rabbit in the sky even though the protag is with his friends
Flowerwall: but we the audience are never shown anything so who knows if they're covering for him or seeing things or what
Flowerwall: it's hard to say with this movie
Flowerwall: ...and the last line is that the American Rabbit is doing a barrel roll
Flowerwall: THE END
Gawker: gsehrdfeshdres
Gawker: well beautiful
Flowerwall: well. that was definitely something.
Flowerwall: i hope my liveblogging was sufficient even if it wasn't in my blo--
Gawker: feshgrdh
Flowerwall: TOEI ANIMATION DID THIS
Flowerwall: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
Flowerwall: brought to you by Paramount Video
Flowerwall: okay video done
Gawker: fesrdhfes
Flowerwall: as am i
Flowerwall: i am so done
 
I swear he was supposed to be weighed down by the snow, or at least disoriented by it.

Also, the other characters all egging the American Rabbit on to kill Vultor? And he goes ahead and does it? Brootal, man.
 
China and Crystal said:
Cole would only like American Rabbit if it were a witty satire on why big business and capitalism are evil, you know those moose were running a huge chocolate cartel man
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Cole would just break out a thesaurus and write mastubatory, pretentious garbage about this movie, overanalyzing it to a point where it has literally nothing to do anymore with the original work.
IE: If that's not in there, he'd just happily interpret it into the story for no other reason than to try andwoo people with his incredible insight.
 
China and Crystal said:
Cole would only like American Rabbit if it were a witty satire on why big business and capitalism are evil, you know those moose were running a huge chocolate cartel man

Also if anyone is curious, this movie was based off of 2 books, so Chris likes the NOT true and honest version:

View attachment 10260 View attachment 10259
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You know how it is with movies, they're never going to be the same as the original stories that came before.

China and Crystal said:
The reason why chris puts Sonichu heads near copyright stuff

View attachment 10261
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Though in Chris' case, he tends to use © rather than ™ (at least it's not ®).
 
This thread likely constitutes the largest body of thought dedicated to this movie, ever.
 
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