The Cole Smithey Thread

Well, yeah, everyone knows Saving Private Ryan was glorified war porn marketed to a generation of emotionally numb button-mashers and their sepia-soaked nostalgia addicted parents. It really took Cole four paragraphs to point that out? Really?
 
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CatParty said:
Henry Bemis said:
Of all the professions that might attract someone with pretensions of hipness, why a film critic?
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Because he more than likely wanted to get into film, but didn't have the motivation/talent to actually do it.
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It's a bit of a shift, though, isn't it, from musician (rhythm section, at that) to film criticism.
 
Alan Pardew said:
Time for a repost of Cole Smithey's reviews!

Military strategists agree that the two day battle called "D-Day" was a huge mistake. The military sent out a lot of U.S. soldiers to absorb German ammunition resulting in the highest number of causalities for any battle in history. The U.S. could have made an evasive thrust by sending soldiers directly to Berlin. And without all that hot, wet, spewing blood Spielberg would have no movie. Damn it all to hell.
Rated R for intense prolonged realistically graphic sequences of war violence. 170 mins. (C-) Two Stars) 7/15/98
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http://www.military-history.org/article ... istory.htm

Cole could use some history lessons. I would LOVE to hear his idea of how Allied forces could just waltz into Berlin and take over the city.
 
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Wow, Cole really is a pretentious pseudointellectual.

Hasn't he ever heard of the Battle of the Somme, which resulted in a million fatalities? Stalingrad had even more. And yeah, I'd like to see Cole as a military officer plotting an invasion, it would be hysterical :lol: Well, it would be if you were defending and not invading.

I sorta like the movie, but I know the plot is stupid. People only watch it for the realistic invasion of Normandy.
 
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Butta Face Lopez said:
It's definitely not out of the realm of possibility that he just prefers real, legitimate green painted beefcake to CGI Jaromir Jagr lookalike beefcake.
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Shit, he does look a little like Jagr. All he needs is the mullet.

DrChristianTroy said:
Read/skimmed Cole's little post-Toy Story damage control or whatever.

1- What he (and the second letter) thinks kids can and can't handle is amazing. I was 6 when Batman: The Animated Series came out and in retrospect that had some nightmarish shit in it. Something that still sticks with me to this day is Poison Ivy turning people into these human tree things. Of course discounts any implied death and violence that was fairly regular on the show. Yet I turned out fine. A teddy bear being a douche isn't much.

2- Is the second letter a fan letter? Like really???
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A LOT of kids' stories are dark. Think of Charlotte's Web, or The Velveteen Rabbit. Hell, look at BAMBI! Seriously, fairy tales are usually pretty heavy stuff. Witches, evil sorcerors, monsters, etc. Disney actually tones alot of the traditional ones down.
Cole probably thinks that Shindler's List is too depressing.
 
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Mrs Paul said:
Cole probably thinks that Shindler's List is too depressing.
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More like it's more Spielberg propaganda being used to further his own agenda. Of course he probably says the same of Duel.
 
CatParty said:
Fake Cole Smithey quotes thread would be hilarious.
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Firstly, the unfeasibly large shark takes you out of the movie. We are expected to believe that sharks upwards of 13 feet exist. If they want to kill it so badly, why not just turn to the killbots in the military industrial complex to provide a weapon that they didn't get to drop onto a Vietnamese village. We are told that Quint served on the USS Indianapolis. This stretches the withering credulity of this paternalistic archetype to the point of breaking. Ships aren't a thing. You cannot travel across vast amounts of water in 'ships'. Metal is heavy and it will sink in the water. The scene where Brody plays with his son is disgustingly smug and condescending. Why isn't the mother hitting the child with a wooden spoon because I forgot my backpack and threw up at school?

1 3/7 stars out of 6
 
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Cole could use some history lessons. I would LOVE to hear his idea of how Allied forces could just waltz into Berlin and take over the city.
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Yeah, how the hell could Western allies just send soldiers directly to Berlin? Allied fleet would just sneak into the Baltic and disembark at Rostock? Or perhaps an airborne operation? :lol: Does he know a shit about geography of Europe? I thought that alleged total American ignorance of almost everything outside U.S. is more like xenophobic myth repeated by Poles to make themselves feel better because they live in a poor Eastern European country which nobody cares about.
 
Tubular Monkey said:
CatParty said:
Fake Cole Smithey quotes thread would be hilarious.
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Firstly, the unfeasibly large shark takes you out of the movie. We are expected to believe that sharks upwards of 13 feet exist. If they want to kill it so badly, why not just turn to the killbots in the military industrial complex to provide a weapon that they didn't get to drop onto a Vietnamese village. We are told that Quint served on the USS Indianapolis. This stretches the withering credulity of this paternalistic archetype to the point of breaking. Ships aren't a thing. You cannot travel across vast amounts of water in 'ships'. Metal is heavy and it will sink in the water. The scene where Brody plays with his son is disgustingly smug and condescending. Why isn't the mother hitting the child with a wooden spoon because I forgot my backpack and threw up at school?

1 3/7 stars out of 6
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Brilliant! Please write more.
 
Hasharin said:
I thought that alleged total American ignorance of almost everything outside U.S. is more like xenophobic myth repeated by Poles to make themselves feel better because they live in a poor Eastern European country which nobody cares about.
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Actually, yes, that's true.

However, we do have a lot of morons in the US.
 
Tubular Monkey said:
CatParty said:
Fake Cole Smithey quotes thread would be hilarious.
Click to expand...

Firstly, the unfeasibly large shark takes you out of the movie. We are expected to believe that sharks upwards of 13 feet exist. If they want to kill it so badly, why not just turn to the killbots in the military industrial complex to provide a weapon that they didn't get to drop onto a Vietnamese village. We are told that Quint served on the USS Indianapolis. This stretches the withering credulity of this paternalistic archetype to the point of breaking. Ships aren't a thing. You cannot travel across vast amounts of water in 'ships'. Metal is heavy and it will sink in the water. The scene where Brody plays with his son is disgustingly smug and condescending. Why isn't the mother hitting the child with a wooden spoon because I forgot my backpack and threw up at school?

1 3/7 stars out of 6
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In my opinion, the end-all-be-all movie of my generation would have to be 'Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2'. This cinematic epic thrusts the audience into a world where babies not only speak, but have super human powers! Stephen Speilburg could learn a lesson or two from director Bob Clark (if Speilburg ever stops talking about Nazis haha)! I give Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 20/10 Stars.
 
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Hasharin said:
Cole could use some history lessons. I would LOVE to hear his idea of how Allied forces could just waltz into Berlin and take over the city.
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Yeah, how the hell could Western allies just send soldiers directly to Berlin? Allied fleet would just sneak into the Baltic and disembark at Rostock? Or perhaps an airborne operation? :lol: Does he know a shit about geography of Europe? I thought that alleged total American ignorance of almost everything outside U.S. is more like xenophobic myth repeated by Poles to make themselves feel better because they live in a poor Eastern European country which nobody cares about.
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Sadly, there really are people like that.
But we did save you guys from the Nazi's. Europe was in a constant state of war until America colonized it. The Commies liberated Europe and then slaughtered millions of them. Maybe we should have let them take West Europe as well...
...
Uhh, you would be speaking Japanese if not for us. Europe would be speaking German. Including Russia. We gave the commies aid even before we entered the war. We gave them funds, food, and medicine. If not for that then Germany would have owned them. Britain could protect you guys and you rightfully turned to us. To be honest, I like Aussies better than Europeans and even Canadians at times. I think America should Annex Australia.
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But anyway, Cole is ridiculously wrong. Makes you wonder if he also slept in class.
 
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