The Horrors of the "Professional" World - Stories that will make you wonder how we exist.

[vertexwindi]

Oh another fun story I don't think I've told before. At my old web dev job we had a lorem ipsum replacement on the internal server we were supposed to use to fill in any content fields the customer or copywriters didn't provide yet because a lot of customers complained about lorem ipsum. They didn't understand what it was there for, ree'd that these weren't the texts they wanted and Google is just too fucking hard to use these days. Fuck me how retarded can you get.

I liked making websites but fuck the customers.

 

[queerape]

Started my new job today. So far, everyone there is really cool, and my new boss is actually pretty decent. Being unemployed for almost 6 weeks was worth it.

 

[Mr. 0]

Started my new job today. So far, everyone there is really cool, and my new boss is actually pretty decent. Being unemployed for almost 6 weeks was worth it.

Is this Bizarro-speak where you're speaking backwards and the opposite of everything you just said is the real truth?

 

[queerape]

Is this Bizarro-speak where you're speaking backwards and the opposite of everything you just said is the real truth?

I quit my old job because my boss was a dickweed and everyone else there was so pressured. I had another lined up, and but it fell through, and I had to make new arrangements. I feel much better about this new place and the extra search was worth it.

 

[XYZpdq]

>some other asshole blows up the toilet
>final solutions the fucking can with lysol
>leaves the vent fan off
motherfucker.

 

[Damocles_Sword]

Highlights from a consultation meeting I had for a plant a client is setting up near Chicago.

"Can the control system run on aluminum wires? We want to limit the copper we have in the building because 99 out of 100 people we interviewed were addicted to crack or meth."
"Does this operator interface software support emojis? The literacy rate of our employees isn't...well...let's just say frowny face and smiley face pictures would be better understood there"
"We can provide you top notch bodyguards when we need to call you in to work on an issue."

 

[Adamska]

Highlights from a consultation meeting I had for a plant a client is setting up near Chicago.

"Can the control system run on aluminum wires? We want to limit the copper we have in the building because 99 out of 100 people we interviewed were addicted to crack or meth."
"Does this operator interface software support emojis? The literacy rate of our employees isn't...well...let's just say frowny face and smiley face pictures would be better understood there"
"We can provide you top notch bodyguards when we need to call you in to work on an issue."

Haha, I like the cut of their gib and their honesty at the very least. Still absolutely insane, but in a funny way.

 

[Karl der Grosse]

Here's a good one: I own rental property, which can be a real headache. I don't want to deal with tenants and their problems, so I hire people to do it for me. I pay very well, above the industry and local standard and trust them to do their fucking jobs. So I get a phone call from one of the maintenance guys, which is unusual in itself. Maintenance reports to management which reports to me.

Guy says he doesn't really want to be a rat, but he thinks there's something funny going on with the apartment rentals. He's not sure, but he isn't finding any paperwork at all on about a dozen apartments. No leases, no receipts, nothing. So I send a guy down to talk to the manager. My guy calls me back, says you better get down here now. Alright, I have a clear schedule the next day so I head down there.

The manager has been renting my apartments off the books to illegals. As in, wearing ankle monitors, don't speak a word of english, ten to an apartment illegals. And he's been collecting the rent in cash. No leases, no nothing. Where's the manager? Well, he didn't show up to work. Won't answer his phone. Go to his apartment with my courtesy officer, a cop I give a deal on an apartment to, and he's gone. Cleared out his place in the middle of night.

Looks like this asshole got a minimum of twelve grand in two months from his scam, assuming he was charging the going rate for an apartment. The cops are looking for him now and when they find him I'm going to have his thieving ass sent to state prison for as long as fucking possible. And it'll happen. He's a local, his family is all local, his ex-wife and two kids are all local. I hope he pulls some silly bullshit when they track him down and the cops get the chance to beat him up and pile on some more charges.

As for the illegals? They're gone. I gave them a week, which was plenty generous of me. We don't lease to anyone who doesn't have valid ID and of course none of them did. They seemed nice enough about the whole thing, it's not their fault. Of course, none of them knew anything about anything. Lots of "No Habla" going on, funnily enough when I got a spanish-speaking guy to talk to them they still no habla'd.

Anyway, now I've got to hire a new manager.

Edit to Add: I gave the maintenance guy a bonus of 500 dollary-doos.

 

[Malagor the dank omen]

Here's a good one: I own rental property, which can be a real headache. I don't want to deal with tenants and their problems, so I hire people to do it for me. I pay very well, above the industry and local standard and trust them to do their fucking jobs. So I get a phone call from one of the maintenance guys, which is unusual in itself. Maintenance reports to management which reports to me.

Guy says he doesn't really want to be a rat, but he thinks there's something funny going on with the apartment rentals. He's not sure, but he isn't finding any paperwork at all on about a dozen apartments. No leases, no receipts, nothing. So I send a guy down to talk to the manager. My guy calls me back, says you better get down here now. Alright, I have a clear schedule the next day so I head down there.

The manager has been renting my apartments off the books to illegals. As in, wearing ankle monitors, don't speak a word of english, ten to an apartment illegals. And he's been collecting the rent in cash. No leases, no nothing. Where's the manager? Well, he didn't show up to work. Won't answer his phone. Go to his apartment with my courtesy officer, a cop I give a deal on an apartment to, and he's gone. Cleared out his place in the middle of night.

Looks like this asshole got a minimum of twelve grand in two months from his scam, assuming he was charging the going rate for an apartment. The cops are looking for him now and when they find him I'm going to have his thieving ass sent to state prison for as long as fucking possible. And it'll happen. He's a local, his family is all local, his ex-wife and two kids are all local. I hope he pulls some silly bullshit when they track him down and the cops get the chance to beat him up and pile on some more charges.

As for the illegals? They're gone. I gave them a week, which was plenty generous of me. We don't lease to anyone who doesn't have valid ID and of course none of them did. They seemed nice enough about the whole thing, it's not their fault. Of course, none of them knew anything about anything. Lots of "No Habla" going on, funnily enough when I got a spanish-speaking guy to talk to them they still no habla'd.

Anyway, now I've got to hire a new manager.

Edit to Add: I gave the maintenance guy a bonus of 500 dollary-doos.

God damn, man. This is why you have to keep a close eye on your property if you decide to rent, specially if you use a middleman to do so.

Not job related, but still worth to say. My mother rented an old apartment she had in the middle of the town where she lives to a peruvian family. It all started good with the leasing company getting all details: ID, job, residence permit... All in order. After 3 months things started to go sour because they complained about absolutely every single thing in the apartment until they left one month later. When my mother went she swore that no other south american will set foot there: they fucked up the stove and the oven (old, but still worked well), they ripped some curtains and the ones that were still good were filthy beyond belief, two bedframes were broken and the children painted all over the walls. When the catastrophe assesing was done with, my mother ended up refurbrishing the entire place which costed her around 1k eurodollars.

Having a middleman might make things a bit easier, but if you want to avoid unpleasant surprises in the long run always pay a vist once or twice every 2 weeks. Also, i understand why the illegals went full No hablo when it came down to explainign the fiasco. They didn't wanted anything to do with the problem and no matter how many translators you bring, they will shut their trap about it so they don't get deported for something like that. I could tell another related and very hilarious story, but that would be off topic.

 

[Karl der Grosse]

I'm just glad it's in a deep, deep red state. The last thing I need is some assholes from immigration charities trying to hassle me over this shit. If this was Portland I'd probably be stuck with them for at least six more months, or longer. At least they hadn't fucked the place up. I also completely understand why they didn't want to talk to me, even if they could have helped themselves by doing so. If any of them had valid ID and could pass a criminal and credit check I might have even let a couple of the least objectionable of them stay. Without valid ID as even a starting point, forget it. I did give each apartment back the amount of their deposit, more money out of my pocket but I'm not completely heartless and I can afford it. The residents can fight among themselves over who gets how much.

It's actually not practical for me to come around and check things myself more often than I do already. I do go down and do inspections and audits every three months so I would have caught him next month anyway.

Related to that, though, I'm instituting a new policy for the employees at my properties: if an employee breaks the law and you tell me about it, you just might earn yourself a nice fat bonus. I'm also looking to hire a roving inspector to drop in randomly and check things.

Oh, and my second new policy: I'm going to have a live-in courtesy officer at all my properties, not just the couple I currently have. The two I already have are going to spread the word at their respective police departments.

On a personal level I'm hurt by my manager's actions. I've known the guy for ten years, I've always treated him well, he's always done a very good job for me. I treat my employees with respect and expect that same respect back. I'm from the school of thought where you hire good people, back them up, and pay them well. In return I expect the same loyalty. Mostly I get it.

I'm now hearing rumors of gambling problems. I feel for his ex-wife and his kids, they live off of his alimony and child support and I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that money's not going to be coming anymore. He better have run off to Alaska to work the fishing boats because I'm going to make an example of him and push to have him put in the state pen for a good long time. And that's no joke when the state penal system ranks around the bottom of the list for every conceivable metric.

 

[Replicant Sasquatch]

At the ass end of my shift (so about six am) we get a page for an ER to ER transfer from a hospital the next county over. Made more frustrating by the fact the patient was 350 lbs, so we had to go get the special super sized gurney and its special rig. This gurney could only fit in this one specific rig, an ancient creaking piece of diesel-powered shit with an astronomical unit on the odometer and kitchen sponges for break pads.

We get to the hospital and right away I knew something was wrong. The strong odor of shit wafted down the hall from our patient's room. The curtain was drawn and isolation gear (gowns and masks) were set up by the door. The smell was an almost tangible sensation.
Just as we got there a doctor and nurse duck in and start talking to the patient. I didn't get the full conversation but I distinctly heard the phrase "football-sized abscess".

Turns out she had a horrible infection at the site of a hernia surgery. I looked in and saw she had a negative pressure device hooked up to the wound. Basically a small vacuum and reservoir connected to the wound site with a rubber tube which sucks up ooze and helps with healing. This thing was kicked into overdrive and was sucking up discharge like a fucking gas pump. It looked and smelled like shit but it wasn't. It had the color and consistency of chocolate milk, complete with a fucking froth at the top of the fluid. And as it turns out the reservoir actually overflowed and fucking broke open shortly before we got there. So we waited for about forty minutes as the hospital staff cleaned her up. Small miracle we didn't have to help with that.

We finally did get her in our rig and back to our county to the other hospital. There was an EMT student doing his observation there so I made him hold the vacuum reservoir while we moved her off our gurney.

 

[Sped Xing]

I'd rather treat a cow than a "cow" any day. I don't think I could handle dealing with patients who are capable of going to the doctor before things get bad but choose not to.

 

[Sped Xing]

A truck was parked across the common driveway, blocking about ten docks if you count the people who didn't have room to turn. I figured he was waiting on a spot, but when I went to go give him the "just wait in the parking area" spiel, I found this motherfucker was sleeping, and not "dozing on the steering wheel" sleeping. This fucking dude was wearing pyjamas. He must have just stopped his truck at random last night and said "Chingale, 'toy cansado."

 

[Malagor the dank omen]

A truck was parked across the common driveway, blocking about ten docks if you count the people who didn't have room to turn. I figured he was waiting on a spot, but when I went to go give him the "just wait in the parking area" spiel, I found this motherfucker was sleeping, and not "dozing on the steering wheel" sleeping. This fucking dude was wearing pyjamas. He must have just stopped his truck at random last night and said "Chingale, 'toy cansado."

Damn, something like this happened to me once last year. I got an early call for a room, which was strange because reception only opens in the afternoon. I didn't paid it too much attention until the guy comes. A huge bus comes and parks in front of the house, blocking the entire street (it's a two way street but it's very narrow) and this fucking french guy comes. I already got problem when i notice he doesn't speak german nor english, but i manage to understand more or less what he says, but he doesn't understand what i tell him and he just demands that i give him the room. Once we are upstairs, i keep telling him taht he has to move the fucking bus but he just tells me it's break time and goes to sleep. A couple of minutes later the mailman comes and tells me i have to do something about the bus. Soon, a policeman also comes and tells me the same, so i go to speak with that fucking frog and he keeps telling me that he will not move the bus because it's his break time. Eventually my boss comes and assesses the situation after i told him the whole story. A few minutes later, the french guy leaves and my boss explained me that he told him he had to park the bus in a designated place in town since the hostel didn't had place for it. The guy kept telling him to fuck off and my boss, very politely, told him to fuck off.

The frog was very pissed, but damn if it was good to see that sucker leave.

 

[Basic Bleach]

Damn, something like this happened to me once last year. I got an early call for a room, which was strange because reception only opens in the afternoon. I didn't paid it too much attention until the guy comes. A huge bus comes and parks in front of the house, blocking the entire street (it's a two way street but it's very narrow) and this fucking french guy comes. I already got problem when i notice he doesn't speak german nor english, but i manage to understand more or less what he says, but he doesn't understand what i tell him and he just demands that i give him the room. Once we are upstairs, i keep telling him taht he has to move the fucking bus but he just tells me it's break time and goes to sleep. A couple of minutes later the mailman comes and tells me i have to do something about the bus. Soon, a policeman also comes and tells me the same, so i go to speak with that fucking frog and he keeps telling me that he will not move the bus because it's his break time. Eventually my boss comes and assesses the situation after i told him the whole story. A few minutes later, the french guy leaves and my boss explained me that he told him he had to park the bus in a designated place in town since the hostel didn't had place for it. The guy kept telling him to fuck off and my boss, very politely, told him to fuck off.

The frog was very pissed, but damn if it was good to see that sucker leave.

We get something like that in the US with the trucking companies. Drivers have a set number of hours they're allowed to be active, and when they 'run out', they have to park their rig and take time off the road, no exceptions, because most trucks are equipped with corporate units that track their mileage and such. I've seen guys get around this by letting the transmission carry the truck - extremely slowly - for short distances to a safe place to park / to make an appoinment, but most prefer to just park and sleep when they can.

 

[Sped Xing]

We get something like that in the US with the trucking companies. Drivers have a set number of hours they're allowed to be active, and when they 'run out', they have to park their rig and take time off the road, no exceptions, because most trucks are equipped with corporate units that track their mileage and such. I've seen guys get around this by letting the transmission carry the truck - extremely slowly - for short distances to a safe place to park / to make an appoinment, but most prefer to just park and sleep when they can.

If you're not an absolute retard, you plan your route better than that. If you DO get caught by some unforseen event and need to stop, you can run extra time to find a safe, appropriate place to park; just call your logs department so they can note it.

"Muh clock forced me to stop" is just shithead for "I don't know how to do my job."

 

[Basic Bleach]

"Muh clock forced me to stop" is just shithead for "I don't know how to do my job."

Well yeah, or 'lazy fucker'. It's also one of the signs of a driver who's still wet behind the ears, and we got an awful lot of those. Like, can't tell left from right/recognize the truck won't fit between a building and a fence/got stuck in the overflow lot for no real reason/locked out of their own cab kind of drivers.

Also one legit midget
A particularly burly and male-pattern-hairline young lady named Tiffany
At least three guys with life size skeletons in the passenger seat (one chromed)
One confirmed special needs kid with no company handler
Karen, the Most Fun Mom At Every Soccer Game (tm)




Buuuuut that's not my problem anymore, thank god!

 

[Karl der Grosse]

So I have a few updates about the apartment complex and my thieving fugitive former apartment manager. They still haven't found him. They have, however, found his truck, abandoned. It was empty, so it looks like he got another vehicle somewhere and switched. Tomorrow the cops are going to walk his ID around to rental places and used-car shops. For all I know he's storing his stuff somewhere and caught a Greyhound.

I've been going over everything paperwork-wise, and I've got some interesting results. It looks like everything was completely above-board until the end of February. After that date, there's problems. He ordered air-conditioners and apparently sold them. That's about 6 grand. I offer free, really basic internet. He told at least 4 apartments that they had to pay for it, pocketed 800 bucks from it. The petty cash is empty, that's 500. He skimmed a Coke machine, maybe another 300. So with the rent scam, it's around 20-25 thousand total.

Whatever kicked this off started in Feb. Maybe he's into someone for money. Maybe it's gambling. There's a lot of casinos around, it's not hard to find somewhere to gamble around there.

I hired a new manager. There's a pretty nice apartment building a couple miles away from me. It's just been sold and the new owners are bringing in their own management team, so the staff there are losing their jobs. I scooped up the manager from there. Seems like a good guy. Young white dude. Very involved with his church, engaged to a girl he met at a Baptist Bible Camp if you can believe it. Lives his faith. According to the owner of his last place the guy spends his vacation time every year doing Habitat for Humanity. We click on a personal level. We'll see how he does.

 

[Sped Xing]

25 grand isn't remotely worth ditching your life over; what a dumbfuck.

 

[AnOminous]

25 grand isn't remotely worth ditching your life over; what a dumbfuck.

Sounds like he owes more like leg-breaking amounts of money.