The Kiwi-Lytton Fiction Thread

[Xarpho]

OK, everyone's heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, right? Basically, it's where you make bad (but humorous) prose. One of my personal favorites has always been this one.

Carmen’s romance with Broderick had thus far been like a train ride, not the kind that slowly leaves the station, builds momentum, and then races across the countryside at breathtaking speed, but rather the one that spends all day moving freight cars around at the local steel mill.

or this one:

Betty had eyes that said come here, lips that said kiss me, arms and torso that said hold me all night long, but the rest of her body said, “Fillet me, cover me in cornmeal, and fry me in peanut oil”; romance wasn’t easy for a mermaid.

So I'll start with a few of mine.

Noir!

It was always raining in Janus Cat City, which was just as well since it washed down the sidewalks and buildings stained from public urination. I reflected on that while clutching on my trenchcoat and hoping that a drunk wouldn't run off the road and turn me into putty.

Sci-Fi!

As the patented Neutron ZX-381 gun blasted off Zqyrhh's left arm, Black Shadow felt a twinge of regret, as the squid-like creature looked quite delicious before his arm was vaporized, and Black Shadow had not eaten seafood since June 3, 4813.

Romance?!?

Spoiler: sfw, but kinda gross

We embraced, my tongue going into my lover's ear as she giggled. In reality, I quite taste the enjoyed the taste of earwax, as it tasted like dried peaches and brought back fond memories of fishing on Lake Topanga with my grandfather.

So, what have you got?

EDIT to tone down on Romance's gross one

 

[Dr. Meme]

his teeth looked like nick bates, but in a sexy way

 

[cmcki]

She looked out over the great expanse in front of her, stretching vast, unknown distances, like the emptiness in her soul, like the checkout line at Walmart. She longed to fill that emptiness with something - anything - the love of a partner, the fulfillment of a job well done, the $1.99 soft pretzel and soda special. Well, maybe two of those. But she wasn't picky. She was indiscriminate in her thoughts, desires, and credit card usage.