The Onion and ClickHole

Philosophy Zombie

Philosophy Zombie

everything has its time and everything dies
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Oct 13, 2014
This is an appreciation thread because I love its absurdist brand of satire.

The best new thing that Clickhole has come up with are "Clickventures", which are like those choose-your-own-adventure stories but funny and often depressingly accurate. Like this one.

I did it five times, and I was absolutely in stitches by the end even though I don't laugh easily.

(1) I tell Ormul to fuck off. In second period the popular girls reject me and I lose for fantasizing about revenge against them.
(2) I lie on the grass instead of going to school. High school was hell. I'd much rather swim in a spent fuel pool at Fukushima anyway.
(3) I go with Ormul, who introduces me to the Cool Kids. I tell Ormul to fuck off again. I become popular forever by pretending to be Tony Hawk.
(4) I trap myself in my locker.
(5) After two bad periods, I try to get in with the cool kids by asking the janitor for advice. The janitor tells me to get up and yell about root beer, which makes me the most popular kid at school. I decide to join the Cool Seniors, who I smoke pot with. They introduce me to a weird drug that's supposed to turn you into a goblin or something and I don't take it because I'm a square. Rumors spread around the school that I am a square and I become an outcast. Ormul becomes my only friend.

Tell us how far you got!
 
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BURKE, VA—Speechless for several seconds after she descended the stairs for breakfast Sunday, the family of local mother Jolene DiPietro were reportedly “floored” by the 49-year-old’s latest look, a gender-neutral mix of loose-fitting clothes and low-maintenance grooming that muted any and all outward feminine characteristics.

“Wow, I thought she looked completely genderless before, but now she’s really taken it to a whole new level,” said DiPietro’s daughter Katie, praising her mother’s style combination of formless brown fleece pullover, button-down blue-and-white-checked shirt, and relaxed-fit khakis. “I can’t get over how her short-cropped hair spikes up in front, and how what little makeup she wears only serves to de-emphasize any discernibly feminine facial features.”

“Who is this androgynous being, and what has it done with my mom?” she added. “Terrific stuff.”

In addition to her clothes, which effusive family members said were “the blandest arrangement of earth tones they’d ever seen,” DiPietro’s new indeterminate-gender look was accessorized with a black unisex watch and a cavernous hunter-green all-purpose day bag that is said to enhance the boxiness of her already distinctly squarish body type.

As she walked around the kitchen, sources confirmed, all eyes were fixated on her footwear, a pair of comfortable-looking gray New Balance sneakers that “just scream either woman or man.”

Family members were also wowed by DiPietro’s decision to complement her outfit with a beige knit scarf and a clip-on pedometer, both “bold style choices” that they said really perfected the wife and mother’s new “sexless suburbanite” look.

“Yep, that’s the human being I married,” boasted DiPietro’s husband, Paul. “Those roomy chinos really show off how her legs are a functional part of her body necessary for locomotion. And those white tube socks sure do hug her unnoticeable curves.”

“After 19 years together, I gotta say, this is the most ungendered I’ve ever seen her looking,” he continued. “I’m so impressed.”

According to sources, while DiPietro had long been quite the asexual specimen—she reportedly bobbed her hair when she turned 40, and five years ago stopped wearing blouses and skirts completely—in the past she always retained a sliver of gender identification, at least wearing hoop earrings or perhaps a charm bracelet.

But now, in the absence of any sort of jewelry, noticeable makeup, feminine hairstyle, or even a single piece of brightly colored clothing that might hint at her gender, DiPietro’s family all agreed that her current look was by far the capper.

“Of course, we all know there’s a woman somewhere under all those baggy, billowing clothes,” said Katie, underscoring how impressed she was that her mother had managed to transform herself into such an androgynous fashionista. “But if I didn’t know her, it would take me a while to guess what kind of genitals she had.”

“Or, for that matter, whether she had any genitals at all,” she added.

After breakfast, DiPietro reportedly left to go power-walking with a similar-looking group of amorphous, middle-aged humans.
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/suburban-mom-wows-family-with-most-androgynous-loo,34397/
 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/teenage-girl-blossoming-into-beautiful-object,31061/

ARLINGTON, TX—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Ashley Parker was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous object.

According to Parker’s relatives, in the span of 14 months, the high school junior underwent a staggering metamorphosis from a young girl with thoughts, feelings, and aspirations into a truly stunning commodity.

“Ashley has really developed into quite a striking assemblage of physical attributes that are found to be sexually attractive in our culture,” said Parker’s uncle Keith Hayes, expressing astonishment at how his niece had steadily matured from a precocious youth into a shapely, ravishing thing devoid of intellect and personality. “It’s hard to believe that she used to be that little girl [capable of subjective experiences] that I remember. Now look at her—she’s such a lovely vessel for displaced sexual frustration and voyeuristic lust, just like her mother.”

“Seems like just yesterday she was this creative 7-year-old kid, pretending her Barbie was the first woman president,” Hayes added. “My, they grow into little more than consumer goods so quickly.”

Marveling at the rite of passage that all females make from girlhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Hayes expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one lucky guy.”

Parker’s classmates at Wakefield High School were also reportedly captivated by the adolescent’s transition from a young woman into an eye-catching repository for male gratification. High school senior Kevin Turner said that Parker had become a particularly alluring instrument of purely physical pleasure in the months since she was a young, conscious, independent preteen girl.

“I grew up with Ashley and never thought much of her before, but over the last year or so, I really started to see her for the beautiful little piece of equipment she is,” said Turner, expressing enthusiasm for how the teen had evolved into a dazzling sexual apparatus. “I’m thinking of asking that mere receptacle to prom.”

“Take a look at it,” added Turner of the former human being. “I can think of a lot of things I’d like to do with that.”

Edmund Powell, Parker’s history teacher, echoed the sentiment of many pupils, claiming that he was impressed by the junior’s transformation from an honor roll student and sentient human being into a lovely piece of meat.

“Ashley used to be one of the brightest and best students in my class,” said Powell, recalling the former girl who once consisted of more than a single, surface-deep dimension. “But, wow, now you’d have to say that she’s something very special. Something very special indeed.”

While Parker’s mother Stacey was reportedly certain that her daughter would make a beautiful and unthinkingly gracious trophy someday, the 38-year-old cautioned Ashley not to get her hopes up about finding the perfect money bags right away.
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The Onion is pretty much my favorite thing ever. I'm going to miss their version of Joe Biden in two years. :heart-empty:
 
The only thing I love more than the Onion is when people on facebook flip the fuck out because they think the articles are real.
 
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