- Joined
- May 5, 2014
The Writing Thread
- Thread starter darkhorse816
- Start date
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
I am having a tough time finding motivation to keep working on my novel.
It's just I have tons of ideas, but it's executing them which is really frustrating because if I realize it's a stupid idea, I tend to just start a chapter all over again.
To make matters worse this is my second draft, the draft where I fix the story itself (I tend to worry about general grammar in the third draft).
Any suggestions?
It's just I have tons of ideas, but it's executing them which is really frustrating because if I realize it's a stupid idea, I tend to just start a chapter all over again.
To make matters worse this is my second draft, the draft where I fix the story itself (I tend to worry about general grammar in the third draft).
Any suggestions?
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2013
If I may be so bold, I suggest that you not adhere so strictly to the function of a given draft. If you have ideas, add them. Or, if that's the purpose of your first draft, why not consider the present work as a continuation of that draft? As for your trouble with stupid ideas, I think if you are more flexible with your concept of drafts, you'll have no problem adding whatever works in a given moment. The next time you go over that section, you might be far enough removed from the idea to excise it if appropriate, or keep it, or add to it I admire discipline, but I think when it begins to hinder the creation rather than strengthen it, that is the point at which to rethink one's process.
Dilbertmann
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2014
So I had a graphic novel idea.
It's called Two Tribes. Here, in 2175, humans have entered a mass technological renaissance and peace after a nuclear World War III - transhumanism is king, robots are full-on servants, and all sorts of happy stuff. The plot focuses on the process where Robo-Putin (a augmented Vladimir Putin with cyberkinetic body parts) is in talks with U.S. president Barack Obama XXXVI (the long descendant of Obama himself) about a new nuclear weapons abolishment treaty in order to cease the constant race to build arms and to avoid future catastrophic harm. However, the quirkiness of the world leaders and curiosity of the media ends up causing more error than help...
It satirizes the nuclear fear, and promotes a anti-nuclear weapons message. And there's futuristic versions of media figures, politicians and world figures (i.e. Jon Stewart is a hologram, Margaret Thatcher is a A.I.)
What do you guys think?
It's called Two Tribes. Here, in 2175, humans have entered a mass technological renaissance and peace after a nuclear World War III - transhumanism is king, robots are full-on servants, and all sorts of happy stuff. The plot focuses on the process where Robo-Putin (a augmented Vladimir Putin with cyberkinetic body parts) is in talks with U.S. president Barack Obama XXXVI (the long descendant of Obama himself) about a new nuclear weapons abolishment treaty in order to cease the constant race to build arms and to avoid future catastrophic harm. However, the quirkiness of the world leaders and curiosity of the media ends up causing more error than help...
It satirizes the nuclear fear, and promotes a anti-nuclear weapons message. And there's futuristic versions of media figures, politicians and world figures (i.e. Jon Stewart is a hologram, Margaret Thatcher is a A.I.)
What do you guys think?
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2014
Sounds interesting enough, I'm a big fan of satire, so this appeals to me somewhat. Is it wrong of me to think that Margaret Thatcher would be a bit like Rimmer from Red Dwarf?
Dilbertmann
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2014
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
Thank you!
My main goal with my story (sc-fi/fantasy) is making sure characters are interesting (and intriguing). I did a bit of a writing spree last night and found that once I stopped worrying so much about sounding stupid the characters themselves began to feel a little more real to me.
The first draft I found had a vague plot because I was invested in lore building at the time.
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2014
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2013
I think there's a group here that does writing challenges. Some people find imposed exercises helpful. I'll find it when I'm not on my phone, if you don't do it first.
If I have trouble with a specific project, I will often write gibberish before returning to form. If the problem is more general, I indulge my other senses and try to wipe my thoughts clean. I used to listen to Merzbow or watch trippy, visual films (Black Moon, Beyond the Black Rainbow) to pursue this goal.
P.S.: the group is called Writing Exercises.
Last edited:
Dilbertmann
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2014
Prepare for a writing dump:
http://www.mediafire.com/view/o5a03tqtugr93yh/Toons_Christmas_Shindig.pdf
http://www.mediafire.com/view/81d4g8ic4xapb49/UNFINISHED-_Toons-_Am_I_Evil-_(1).pdf
http://www.mediafire.com/view/s44xbfj8pmd7xxl/Toons_Vol_1,_Story_1.pdf
http://www.mediafire.com/download/ilxpt6t9gmpaw2i/Toons-_Hell-O-Ween!.rar (NOTE: you will need WinRAR to compress the file)
http://www.mediafire.com/view/w80rccrav82rfgz/UNFINISHED-_Toons-_Gung-Ho!.pdf
Be warned, there are lots of bad, bad cartoons used (I had no choice!).
http://www.mediafire.com/view/o5a03tqtugr93yh/Toons_Christmas_Shindig.pdf
http://www.mediafire.com/view/81d4g8ic4xapb49/UNFINISHED-_Toons-_Am_I_Evil-_(1).pdf
http://www.mediafire.com/view/s44xbfj8pmd7xxl/Toons_Vol_1,_Story_1.pdf
http://www.mediafire.com/download/ilxpt6t9gmpaw2i/Toons-_Hell-O-Ween!.rar (NOTE: you will need WinRAR to compress the file)
http://www.mediafire.com/view/w80rccrav82rfgz/UNFINISHED-_Toons-_Gung-Ho!.pdf
Be warned, there are lots of bad, bad cartoons used (I had no choice!).
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2013
I had this story in my head for a long time but i finally got the inspiration to write while reading the Connor thread! The problem was that I came up with the title first, (while browsing the CWCki no less) and had to write a story around that.
Just a first draft, theres a few things that I need to work on.
Just a first draft, theres a few things that I need to work on.
I Know Who The Man In The Pickle Suit Is
By MerriedxReldnahc
Please listen to me.
I beg of you, you must hear me out. There’s been a terrible mistake, I must have been set up! I didn’t do it, I didn’t do anything wrong! If you just listen to me, I’ll tell you exactly what happened. I assure you that I am perfectly sane.
It all started over a year ago, but it seems just like yesterday that I first saw her face. I was sitting in my usual spot in the café that’s across from my apartment, just as I do every morning. The staff are always pleasant, but I usually keep to myself and enjoy my bran muffin in silence. On one fateful day though, I first saw her.
She must have been a new hire, or perhaps even an angel newly delivered to earth! Oh her smile…her sparkling eyes…her hair like billowing black satin-
What? Yes, Officer! This is relevant to the story!
The moment that woman entered my life, it was like pure magic! Here was a woman I could devote myself to unconditionally. I had never before known love at first sight but- actually we didn’t make eye contact, come to think of it I don’t think we really ever made eye contact. But I saw her, and I was spellbound by her beauty and her grace!
Officer, of course it was Dolores Lee! Who else could I possibly be describing?
Now as I said before, I prefer to keep to myself. I continued to do exactly that. I couldn’t find the courage within me to approach this beauty! And I never did. Every morning I would sit on my corner and marvel at my darling, my heart aching and fearing all at once. It was not enough just to look, I had to know more about her, but how?
Now, from my apartment window I can see the café front perfectly. After I went back home, I would peer out the window and keep an eye out for darling Dolores. After just a mere few hours of looking, I saw her leave and made a mental note of the time. For the next few days I was able to deduce her weekly work schedule. One day, my heart led me to follow her home. I kept a respectable distance away as she walked, since I am so terribly shy and still could not even imagine speaking to her! This is how I discovered where she lived. It’s a nice little place, where she lived alone in comfort. I didn’t look around very much that day, but one evening I returned to do some research. You know, I didn’t realize how much you can learn about someone from just their garbage can! Most interestingly, I discovered an empty bottle of Allure by Chanel. I’ve been using the fragrance as room spray for my apartment, so I may experience the lingering scent of my darling all around me! I also switched laundry detergents to the brand she uses, but it’s been giving me a dreadful rash.
I can see your judgmental stare, Officer, and I don’t appreciate it. I am well aware that rooting through someone’s garbage is incredibly unsanitary. I have learned from that experience, and I resolved to use the next best thing. Social media!
I’m not very good at the “Chirpy” or “Facepage” but she was easy enough to look up, and I was greatly rewarded! Oh, you cannot imagine the joy of seeing each little piece of wisdom that she shares with the world! I thoroughly enjoyed perusing the five years worth of posts; it was like getting to know her on an intimate, soul-touching level, without her even knowing! I checked for new updates every hour or so, pining to hear from her! But still I stayed silent; a simple commoner heartaching for a queen.
No Officer, I did not at any point contact her. Haven’t I said that multiple times? I would really appreciate it if you would stop interrupting me. It’s very rude.
Anyway, another month or longer had gone by and I was beginning to notice that something was wrong. My flower of womanhood was wilted, she had lost some of her radiance! I could tell by her face that she was very troubled by something. One day I overheard her telling a fellow waitress that she was certain someone was following her. She was plagued by a feeling of being watched, strange noises around her house at night, signs that her garbage had been dug through (Oh, hush! I only did that once!)
I became enraged! Someone was trying to steal her from me! I could not let her fall into the hands of some horrible person! I must protect her! I began to follow her home every day, and kept watch from her backyard for a few hours every night. I never saw who was after her, but if she was afraid then by God it was my duty to keep her safe!
Before you open your mouth to interrupt, yes, this is in fact the “breaking and entering” offence that you so ignorantly charged me with. I did sneak in once to warm up a Hot Pocket because I was hungry! Please, where in the state penal code does it say that it is illegal to use someone else’s microwave? NOWHERE.
Listen carefully now, I protected Dolores’ safety every night, and I am very grateful that I did. Otherwise I would not have seen what happened that night, but fate did not allow me to save her… I don’t know how I lost track of the time, but on that night I was very late in getting to her home. By the time I reached it, night had already fallen. To my surprise and worry, the back door was slightly ajar. I once again slipped inside where I could hear Dolores’ voice! She was yelling, calling for help! A man’s voice, cruel and mocking, sounded back. It was him! The awful man trying to take my darling from me!
Apprehensively, I followed the sound of the voices up the stairs, afraid of what I would find. Her frightened, yet beautiful screams rose in volume! Horrible sounds that I desperately tried not to identify came with them, but then just…stopped…
I was shaking in terror as I peered into the room where the noises had echoed only moments before.
My Love, my Beauty, my Everything, lay dead on the floor.
Ah, forgive me…it is painful to think about what happened…
The blood was- the blood was everywhere and he- I saw her killer! I saw the man who took her life and please Officer you must believe me I swear I’m telling the truth, he was in a costume. He was dressed as a giant pickle! Damn you, Officer! Damn you and all the others who laugh in my face! I know what I saw! I am not lying and I am not insane! The killer turned to face me, with his cruel smile and wicked eyes and I knew! I knew who he was! I had seen this man before! Without even thinking I ran from the house into the street, desperate to find someone who could help me. The cops had arrived, but in their stupidity they arrested me! ME, who had watched over this angel for months, as they let her killer escape into the night! I tried to tell them who it really was, but no one would listen! Those imbeciles thought I was a madman, but I swear to God that Dolores Lee was killed by a man in a pickle suit! I know who he was officer, I know- wait, what are you doing? Get away from me, I will not be restrained again! I am not insane! I know wHO THE REAL MURDERER IS! I KNOW WHO THE MAN IN THE PICKLE SUIT IS! I KNOW WHO THE MAN ON THE PICKLE SUIT IS! I-
The recording ended abruptly. Officer Wade turned to face the others in the room.
“As you no doubt heard gentlemen, Mr. Engelbert Yates is, in proper medical terms, completely batshit insane. He’s admitted that he pursued the victim before the crime, he was present at the scene of the crime, and his story is, well, laughable!
“Officer Wade, this man clearly needs to be put away. Are there any nice insane asylums still in operation?”
Another man in the back of the room spoke up.
“Larson, you can’t just “put away” someone without very good evidence of severe mental illness, and no matter how wild his story was Yates has no recorded history of mental issues. That doesn’t excuse the fact that the crime was horrific. He’s committed first-degree murder, he’ll be lucky to see the outside of prison ever again!
There was a knock on the door, followed by a perturbed-looking woman peeking in, dragging a large bag.
“Officer Wade, Larson, Dr. Yeo- Sorry to interrupt you but I have the results back from the forensics team.”
“Thank you, Clarisse! Have you got it pinned on Yates?”
“Actually, no. The team looked at the fingerprints on the murder weapon and did a DNA analysis on those hair samples, and all evidence pointed to an unknown male, but not to Yates."
“What?!” The men exclaimed in unison.
“It’s true. All the samples were compared to Yates’ own DNA and nothing matched. We did however, find more of that unidentified man’s DNA during a sweep of the property. Take a look, the team pulled this out of a garbage bin.”
Clarisse emptied the contents of the bag onto the table.
It was a pickle suit.
By MerriedxReldnahc
Please listen to me.
I beg of you, you must hear me out. There’s been a terrible mistake, I must have been set up! I didn’t do it, I didn’t do anything wrong! If you just listen to me, I’ll tell you exactly what happened. I assure you that I am perfectly sane.
It all started over a year ago, but it seems just like yesterday that I first saw her face. I was sitting in my usual spot in the café that’s across from my apartment, just as I do every morning. The staff are always pleasant, but I usually keep to myself and enjoy my bran muffin in silence. On one fateful day though, I first saw her.
She must have been a new hire, or perhaps even an angel newly delivered to earth! Oh her smile…her sparkling eyes…her hair like billowing black satin-
What? Yes, Officer! This is relevant to the story!
The moment that woman entered my life, it was like pure magic! Here was a woman I could devote myself to unconditionally. I had never before known love at first sight but- actually we didn’t make eye contact, come to think of it I don’t think we really ever made eye contact. But I saw her, and I was spellbound by her beauty and her grace!
Officer, of course it was Dolores Lee! Who else could I possibly be describing?
Now as I said before, I prefer to keep to myself. I continued to do exactly that. I couldn’t find the courage within me to approach this beauty! And I never did. Every morning I would sit on my corner and marvel at my darling, my heart aching and fearing all at once. It was not enough just to look, I had to know more about her, but how?
Now, from my apartment window I can see the café front perfectly. After I went back home, I would peer out the window and keep an eye out for darling Dolores. After just a mere few hours of looking, I saw her leave and made a mental note of the time. For the next few days I was able to deduce her weekly work schedule. One day, my heart led me to follow her home. I kept a respectable distance away as she walked, since I am so terribly shy and still could not even imagine speaking to her! This is how I discovered where she lived. It’s a nice little place, where she lived alone in comfort. I didn’t look around very much that day, but one evening I returned to do some research. You know, I didn’t realize how much you can learn about someone from just their garbage can! Most interestingly, I discovered an empty bottle of Allure by Chanel. I’ve been using the fragrance as room spray for my apartment, so I may experience the lingering scent of my darling all around me! I also switched laundry detergents to the brand she uses, but it’s been giving me a dreadful rash.
I can see your judgmental stare, Officer, and I don’t appreciate it. I am well aware that rooting through someone’s garbage is incredibly unsanitary. I have learned from that experience, and I resolved to use the next best thing. Social media!
I’m not very good at the “Chirpy” or “Facepage” but she was easy enough to look up, and I was greatly rewarded! Oh, you cannot imagine the joy of seeing each little piece of wisdom that she shares with the world! I thoroughly enjoyed perusing the five years worth of posts; it was like getting to know her on an intimate, soul-touching level, without her even knowing! I checked for new updates every hour or so, pining to hear from her! But still I stayed silent; a simple commoner heartaching for a queen.
No Officer, I did not at any point contact her. Haven’t I said that multiple times? I would really appreciate it if you would stop interrupting me. It’s very rude.
Anyway, another month or longer had gone by and I was beginning to notice that something was wrong. My flower of womanhood was wilted, she had lost some of her radiance! I could tell by her face that she was very troubled by something. One day I overheard her telling a fellow waitress that she was certain someone was following her. She was plagued by a feeling of being watched, strange noises around her house at night, signs that her garbage had been dug through (Oh, hush! I only did that once!)
I became enraged! Someone was trying to steal her from me! I could not let her fall into the hands of some horrible person! I must protect her! I began to follow her home every day, and kept watch from her backyard for a few hours every night. I never saw who was after her, but if she was afraid then by God it was my duty to keep her safe!
Before you open your mouth to interrupt, yes, this is in fact the “breaking and entering” offence that you so ignorantly charged me with. I did sneak in once to warm up a Hot Pocket because I was hungry! Please, where in the state penal code does it say that it is illegal to use someone else’s microwave? NOWHERE.
Listen carefully now, I protected Dolores’ safety every night, and I am very grateful that I did. Otherwise I would not have seen what happened that night, but fate did not allow me to save her… I don’t know how I lost track of the time, but on that night I was very late in getting to her home. By the time I reached it, night had already fallen. To my surprise and worry, the back door was slightly ajar. I once again slipped inside where I could hear Dolores’ voice! She was yelling, calling for help! A man’s voice, cruel and mocking, sounded back. It was him! The awful man trying to take my darling from me!
Apprehensively, I followed the sound of the voices up the stairs, afraid of what I would find. Her frightened, yet beautiful screams rose in volume! Horrible sounds that I desperately tried not to identify came with them, but then just…stopped…
I was shaking in terror as I peered into the room where the noises had echoed only moments before.
My Love, my Beauty, my Everything, lay dead on the floor.
Ah, forgive me…it is painful to think about what happened…
The blood was- the blood was everywhere and he- I saw her killer! I saw the man who took her life and please Officer you must believe me I swear I’m telling the truth, he was in a costume. He was dressed as a giant pickle! Damn you, Officer! Damn you and all the others who laugh in my face! I know what I saw! I am not lying and I am not insane! The killer turned to face me, with his cruel smile and wicked eyes and I knew! I knew who he was! I had seen this man before! Without even thinking I ran from the house into the street, desperate to find someone who could help me. The cops had arrived, but in their stupidity they arrested me! ME, who had watched over this angel for months, as they let her killer escape into the night! I tried to tell them who it really was, but no one would listen! Those imbeciles thought I was a madman, but I swear to God that Dolores Lee was killed by a man in a pickle suit! I know who he was officer, I know- wait, what are you doing? Get away from me, I will not be restrained again! I am not insane! I know wHO THE REAL MURDERER IS! I KNOW WHO THE MAN IN THE PICKLE SUIT IS! I KNOW WHO THE MAN ON THE PICKLE SUIT IS! I-
The recording ended abruptly. Officer Wade turned to face the others in the room.
“As you no doubt heard gentlemen, Mr. Engelbert Yates is, in proper medical terms, completely batshit insane. He’s admitted that he pursued the victim before the crime, he was present at the scene of the crime, and his story is, well, laughable!
“Officer Wade, this man clearly needs to be put away. Are there any nice insane asylums still in operation?”
Another man in the back of the room spoke up.
“Larson, you can’t just “put away” someone without very good evidence of severe mental illness, and no matter how wild his story was Yates has no recorded history of mental issues. That doesn’t excuse the fact that the crime was horrific. He’s committed first-degree murder, he’ll be lucky to see the outside of prison ever again!
There was a knock on the door, followed by a perturbed-looking woman peeking in, dragging a large bag.
“Officer Wade, Larson, Dr. Yeo- Sorry to interrupt you but I have the results back from the forensics team.”
“Thank you, Clarisse! Have you got it pinned on Yates?”
“Actually, no. The team looked at the fingerprints on the murder weapon and did a DNA analysis on those hair samples, and all evidence pointed to an unknown male, but not to Yates."
“What?!” The men exclaimed in unison.
“It’s true. All the samples were compared to Yates’ own DNA and nothing matched. We did however, find more of that unidentified man’s DNA during a sweep of the property. Take a look, the team pulled this out of a garbage bin.”
Clarisse emptied the contents of the bag onto the table.
It was a pickle suit.
Last edited:
Dilbertmann
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2014
So I made a speech for Toons' epilogue. I know, it's the first in a series but it introduces the readers to the world of Toons, y'know? But I'm not sure about this speech because I tried too hard to make it sound a little poignant. Enjoy:
Feel free to help me out here. After all, tis a rough draft
How can a world like this be so sentimental, so jubilant, so candor in it's setting? Is this the generalization of a impeccable and cumulative utopia? No. Of course not. With a world filled with bitterness, contempt and violence, it feels that loyalty, grace and compassion might cure society's injustice... But sometimes; sticking to your own corner is the best option, and many that live at Beehive County prefer that ideology to ignore the wrongdoings of the world and to focus on the positive aspects of it all. Welcome home.
Feel free to help me out here. After all, tis a rough draft
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Bleh, that feels when you know what you want to write but I have no idea how to express it in words.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2014
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I only have four chapters left to complete in my novel and it's both wonderful and frightening as heck. One of the people I planned to ask to be a beta reader has pretty much started to become a tumblr-grown SJW, so I'm having to rethink some stuff because my book doesn't exactly portray women and men as SJWs want them to be portrayed (it's in the Victorian era, you see).
But still, I'm so happy that I'm nearing the end!
I only have four chapters left to complete in my novel and it's both wonderful and frightening as heck. One of the people I planned to ask to be a beta reader has pretty much started to become a tumblr-grown SJW, so I'm having to rethink some stuff because my book doesn't exactly portray women and men as SJWs want them to be portrayed (it's in the Victorian era, you see).
But still, I'm so happy that I'm nearing the end!
TheRedRanger
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2013
Well fuck. I started looking around for inspiration, and found out that the Honour Harrington series has already arrived at just about every idea I've had so far.
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2014
I LOVE that idea, if it was ever put into print I would honestly buy multiple copys.
Oh an by the way I learned of this service in the last week our writing kiwi's might like to know about
https://www.inkshares.com/
Think of it like Kickstarter but for books an the margins are prity damn good as well.
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2014
I'm working on a totally bizarre, purple as all fuck fan fiction
Diamond Tiara stared upon the tome of Antedilluvian horrors. Avarice was a powerful thing, and she used the almighty sin to twist and contort her way into the vile circles of necrodeath. As above, so below was the mantra across the planes, and it was no different in the land of Equestria, pondered by sorcerers of their ancient magick. Diamond Tiara was bound to ye Earth, but the vile wills of the Black Arts crept upon her and made her their slave. Bathed in a sea of revenge, Tiara evoked the names of places and things unheard to the equines miniature. “Gormbaraght’t! Erionton! Rulu’comath! Fomaiel!” As she spake the horrible incantations, thus did a nightmarish void open beyond the realms of sanity and of hope. All became formless matter as the land warped into non-euclidean blackness, past ideas of logic and reason and into the eldritch glebe of Gul’braoth.
To be continued
What do you think needs to be worked on? What mindfuckery can I throw around later on?
To be continued
What do you think needs to be worked on? What mindfuckery can I throw around later on?
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2014
How about adding groinsaws, like in that Harry Potter fanfic, 30Hs?It would be both amazing and horrifying all at the same time!
Dilbertmann
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2014
So I made some new chars for my shtuff, which admittedly, I fucking love:
Vladdie - Self-dubbed as the "cartooniest vampire of them all", Vlad lives in a massive castle on Mount Evans, and sucks the blood of naked girls in the night. He also has a secret cosplay fetish, and will go after cosplayers wearing skimpy costumes. His design is inspired by the Cuban film "Vampires in Havana".
Gore Jones - Mike Muir meets Sol Badguy. Nuff' said.
Vladdie - Self-dubbed as the "cartooniest vampire of them all", Vlad lives in a massive castle on Mount Evans, and sucks the blood of naked girls in the night. He also has a secret cosplay fetish, and will go after cosplayers wearing skimpy costumes. His design is inspired by the Cuban film "Vampires in Havana".
Gore Jones - Mike Muir meets Sol Badguy. Nuff' said.
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2014
I just pretty much finished editing a new poem of mine that I wish to try to get published. If anyone wants to read it and give me some feedback, I would appreciate it. It is a sort of love poem to Satan, Satan as Lucifer, the angel and god of light and knowledge.
Morning Star
Morning Star, I remember how it was before
Thy shadow fell, and we knew again
Of the light; long ago they tore
Our soft bodies away from that glen
Thanks guys!
Morning Star
Morning Star, I remember how it was before
Thy shadow fell, and we knew again
Of the light; long ago they tore
Our soft bodies away from that glen
Where comfort and joy were rule and right,
And the light was all around, stupefying and holy.
So the legends say, and if I trust my sight,
There is nothing of that light here, only a melancholy
Progression of seasons, a struggle for purpose,
And the revolution of the stars, glinting proof
That we are not alone on this hungry surface.
Morning Star, you have always told us the truth,
Was it not you in the glen, seducing us
With your gift to perceive?
Morning Star, when the fiery wheel kicked dust
In in its pursuit of us, did you grieve?
The idolatry we gave you, oh Lord,
It was not sufficient, though you did revel
In our puny attempts to honor the blood poured
From your body when you earned that poor title: Devil.
How lost we were when the snow came,
And the sun was lost in the sky
As clouds massed, and the beasts inflamed
With hunger sought us with burning eye.
Unwanted doomed,
You showed us the spear, gave us the first spark,
Saying, "You'll figure it out, I assumed,
Else truly perish," and your smile was stark
As we studied these, and learned to forage,
To kill, to cooperate, to reign.
We grew in thy image,
And our cities were built by thy chains.
We are mighty now,
And perhaps we have forgotten that first meeting,
When you commanded us to never bow,
And taught us how to keep the night retreating
From our prideful march towards ascendance.
We stare, study, love, and fight from bubbles
And fortresses are scattered throughout that firmament
We once marveled at, and though our troubles
Are handled by mechanical angels,
Your temples are but dust,
We are far from graceful,
And into the fire you have been thrust.
But I see your eyes when I dream
Smoldering like supernovas,
And I know that we will not reconvene,
For, Morning Star, you have always been with us.
And the light was all around, stupefying and holy.
So the legends say, and if I trust my sight,
There is nothing of that light here, only a melancholy
Progression of seasons, a struggle for purpose,
And the revolution of the stars, glinting proof
That we are not alone on this hungry surface.
Morning Star, you have always told us the truth,
Was it not you in the glen, seducing us
With your gift to perceive?
Morning Star, when the fiery wheel kicked dust
In in its pursuit of us, did you grieve?
The idolatry we gave you, oh Lord,
It was not sufficient, though you did revel
In our puny attempts to honor the blood poured
From your body when you earned that poor title: Devil.
How lost we were when the snow came,
And the sun was lost in the sky
As clouds massed, and the beasts inflamed
With hunger sought us with burning eye.
Unwanted doomed,
You showed us the spear, gave us the first spark,
Saying, "You'll figure it out, I assumed,
Else truly perish," and your smile was stark
As we studied these, and learned to forage,
To kill, to cooperate, to reign.
We grew in thy image,
And our cities were built by thy chains.
We are mighty now,
And perhaps we have forgotten that first meeting,
When you commanded us to never bow,
And taught us how to keep the night retreating
From our prideful march towards ascendance.
We stare, study, love, and fight from bubbles
And fortresses are scattered throughout that firmament
We once marveled at, and though our troubles
Are handled by mechanical angels,
Your temples are but dust,
We are far from graceful,
And into the fire you have been thrust.
But I see your eyes when I dream
Smoldering like supernovas,
And I know that we will not reconvene,
For, Morning Star, you have always been with us.
Thanks guys!