This person does not exist - Lolcow edition

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Jordan "Babyface" Hopp claims to suffer from a disorder that makes him look like a 7-year-old, but in actuality is just 7-years-old. Social Media refuses to ban Jordan despite his age, due to the horde of pedophilic "allies" that defend his "condition".

Normally, this exploitation of a child would be horrific, but Jordan is, to be frank, a massive cunt. He regularly posts videos of himself abusing his parents and grandparents, demanding they treat him like the adult he possibly believes he is. He smokes and drinks heavily, most of which has been on camera.

The police have been called to his home on multiple occasions, though on account of living in Portland, no effort to enforce the law has been made.
 
Sīn the Moon Daddy said:
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oh man i remember this guy
Thats @ birdturgler real name Sal Becker. We called him slimy sal because i mean just look at him but also lizard genitals are his thing.
I first heard about him on /tr/ or whatever the pokemon board is on 4chan. he would trip there and if you ever posted pokemon porn involving any dragon or lizard pokemon that wasn't like anatomically correct or had cloaca or something he would lose his shit. Even though he tripped, never posted anything else. He like monitored that site all the time yelling at people for posting birds or lizards fucking with incorrect anatomy. There was similar people on DA and other fur websites, turns out all the same guy. He got doxed because people called him fat and he posted a selfie (face blurred out) to prove he wasn't (he is.) However he forgot he had a court summons for harassing zoo animals visible in his bathroom.
 
An Ghost said:
In photography “catchlight” is the light reflected from the eye. Sometimes it’s not perfect, but the fact that most of these have good catch lights makes them more convincing. I had one that was like, disposable camera over exposed flash and I’m like “nah this is real. This is somebody’s dad”

Anyway here’s Michael “Meathat” Morgan
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We didn’t even know about this cow until after he died. He was like review brah but reviewed meat from different deli counters in super Walmart’s where he lived. His secret obsession was wearing the meat as a hat which caused him to get a beef infection. He joined the 27 club with the likes of Kobain and Hendrix. A beloved cow post mortem, his videos were archived and enjoyed because of their bizarre Tim and Eric tier editing which created unintentional hilarity. Null would eventually create a bingo card for Mr. Meathat and would laugh whole heartedly at his videos on stream. The free space was his beloved catch phrase “meats back on the menu boys.”


99% of lolcows are ugly. Coincidence???
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Can I steal Meathat's identity?

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Meet Randall "Randy" Hilton. Before the days of the internet, he was a respected lawyer who was seen as a bit weird (he wasn't the greatest at socializing unless he had everything planned out beforehand), but an overall nice guy. With the internet, his strange ideas were unleashed upon the internet. On his public Twitter, he posts latex porn and BDSM and talks about conspiracy theories. He wholeheartedly believes that the world is run by lizard people, and is quite vocal about this, constantly trying to get celebrities to talk to him about their lizard identities and ties to the Illuminati. Other than his weird kinks, he's sort of harmless. He probably buys e-girl bathtub water, though. And that's just nasty. Apparently he also sucks at shaving based on the above image.
 
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Life had been rough for Rufus. Things were going to better getting even weirder though... because he's just finished repairing some old water tower. It's hollow like it's empty, and hasn't been used in years, so why keep it repaired?

What's with this sign written in crayon? "Keep out"

Better open her up then...

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Sadly Yakko hadn'teaten in years and he is carnivorous, and Rufus was instantly devoured, clothes and all.
 
Sīn the Moon Daddy said:
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Life had been rough for Rufus. Things were going to better getting even weirder though... because he's just finished repairing some old water tower. It's hollow like it's empty, and hasn't been used in years, so why keep it repaired?

What's with this sign written in crayon? "Keep out"

Better open her up then...

View attachment 827988

Sadly Yakko hadn'teaten in years and he is carnivorous, and Rufus was instantly devoured, clothes and all.
Click to expand...
Lolcows get eaten by cartoons, it's true.
 
828023

Birth name: Lester McDonald
Current name: Leslie McDonald
Resident of a middle-class suburb in Pennsylvania; lives in older sister's basement.
Father died of skin cancer; mother died of shame.
Failed novelist, writes erotic fan fiction about the Mario brothers games
Works some low-paying white collar job that isn't respected. Job obtained through nepotism.
'Trans rights activist'
Owns a hard copy of 'Boku no Pico'.
 
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OC Horror Sex Cow
Name:Kevin Olson
Age:36
City/State: Palo Alto, California
Adress: Addison avenue 9456
Porn handle: Abdul'sslave76
Twitter: Powerbottom298
Job: Realestate agent at Howard Hannah
LinkedIN: Tim Hill
Empty Closets Forum: Tim Hill
Catfish handle: Kiera Riviera and his bait pic.
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Kevin Olson seems like your average unassuming realestate agent. He lives the american dream with a palatial spanish villa inspired 4 bedroom 2 bath house.Pool, 3 car garage and .48 acers of land. His wife is somewhat attractive and they have 3 children and a dog. Kevin has a dark secret though. He is a closeted gay who is a sex pest. Being closeted allows him to enjoy having a domestic family while still being a degen. Kev hates his wife he only see's her as a cover to hide his true self. He has involved himself in one of San Fransisco's popular gay kink scenes. His fetishes's are inter-racial, BD,SM,voyeuristic,pee, cuckoldry and harassing straight dudes. He is especially into pajeet men hence his porn handle. Kev uses the houses he sells to host gay BD,SM orgies so as not to make his wife suspicious. He usually uses open houses/meetings as an excuse to placate her when he is out late. He has a secret twitter account where all he spergs about is Trump accompanied by the usual insert here buzzword/leftist hot take ,LGBT shit and retweets inter-racial gay porn accounts. Even though he has SJW tendencies he has an immense jealousy of straight women. It started when he was a teen working at a country club. He lusted after the straight pool guy named Abdul. At first he was okay with just looking, but his weird urges became worse. He drew art of them together in compromising positions. Took secret pictures. Stole his clothes whenever he would use the shower or go in the pool especially his boxers. Peep on him while he uses the bathroom especially when he went pee. He became angry when he found out Abdul had a gf. So, he gave Abdul a drink mixed with a good dose of a date rape drug he gets from his friend at school. He waited till Abdul had stumbled to the bathroom and passed out. He couldn't fathom being the pitcher so he orally raped Abdul.Then he took off it was never reported so he got away with it.(Retard posted the story on his linkedin) He has also CATFISHED other males and sent dick pics to them only to be blocked. Although on occasion when goes to sex clubs he tries to fuck with other cuckhold males to turn them gay. Although he will be sorry since his wife now knows about his thread on KF thanks to anonymous people who have told her about his disgusting habits. He will be surely getting a call from a lawyer.
Edit: Because I can't spell for shit.
 
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