- Joined
- Apr 17, 2020
Once a month, I will usually make a big thread in General Discussion about some type of animal. I don't stray from that topic much as I have only but a select few brain cells as it is, and between the bone marrow poisoning that has ground my neuron production to a halt, the Legionnaire's Disease constantly sapping almost every ounce of my will to continue doing things like "moving" and "breathing", and simply being born with all of these dang chromosomes it's pretty hard to do multiple large writing projects in a short time period. As of this morning, I had one in the works already.
But then I discovered something that brought that number to two. To be honest, I didn't know whether this belonged in General Discussion or Games, so I will put my thread inside both of those places. This is a thread about...I think?...a Nintendo game.
That game is called "Totally Rad", or "Magic John" in Japan.
It all began this morning when I stumbled across the following poster in Google images while searching through Dr. Chaos screencaps for this thread (I make a LOT of dumb Q+A posts - don't even bother looking at any of them they aren't worth anything and are all fucking stupid):
You may want to click any images that contain small text in order to embiggen them, so that you may read the insanity in some of these things.
At first, I thought "okay, that is clearly an obvious fake poster for a fake NES game from the 1990's". Anyone in my position would have thought the same thing. I had never seen or even heard of this game. So I googled it. It was at that moment that the world I thought I knew melted away like the face of a London acid attack victim and I discovered an example of sheer fruit bat-shit insanity that has a nearly atomic-level purity when viewed under an electron microscope.
There were screenshots. There were entire longplays on youtube. This can't be real, right? I refused to believe it, at first.
According to wikipedia, "Totally Rad is an action-adventure game developed by Aicom and published by Jaleco for the Nintendo Entertainment System.2 It began life in Japan as Magic John for the Famicom in 1990, and was later localized by Jaleco USA as Totally Rad." The story is pretty basic: You are some kid who has a wizard friend and some evil people who live underground (literal CHUDs) arrive to steal your girlfriend. It is your job to save her.
Let's meet our Hero first. In America his name is "Jake", but in Japan his name is "John". He has one of the most ridiculous sprites you will ever see someone who is supposed to be just a normal person have:
Jakejohn's girlfriend is named Allison. Here she is, wearing the fucking pants in the relationship:
After the first mission, she is kidnapped:
Oh, bother.
You are Sorcerer's Apprentice to a fucking creepy little...magician man..thing...who slowly blinks his curly little eyelashes at you like he just slipped an eventually lethal dose of the Date Rape Drug into your drink and is trying to coax you into a more "susceptible" mood, but not actually waiting long enough for the drugs to kick in to do it:
You can tell that he has killed before.
Enemies you will encounter in this Absolute Nightmare range from "that little hard hat guy from Mega Man, but in blackface"...
...to a pogo-stick-riding salaryman who the Japanese Transit Authority police refer to only as "The Shinkansen Sex Maniac" and who has never been apprehended...
He is probably thinking of his countless groping victims; the smile is for all the future ones.
...to a weird duckling-human hybrid holding one of the Bishop pieces from the liberal side of the chessboard...
They already took one of ours
...to a depressed man wearing Pit Viper shades and riding atop a futuristic mobility scooter...
...to fish-men that you can morph into The Creature from the Black Lagoon to fight...
...all the way to THIS fuckin' rapist:
What about boss battles? Well. Feast your eyes on the first boss:
And the second:
This boss has something strange protruding directly from its rectum. What could it be, you ask? Why, it's a giagantic, blinking eyeball, of course.
The final boss has an undeniable, giant golden codpiece surrounding what looks to be around 40% of an erection. His name is "Edogy":
During the fight you blow his legs clean off, and his body is revealed to be a gigantic glass bowl. There's something inside of it...what is that...Are those his fuckin tits?
:[
Around the midpoint of the game, you rescue your girlfriend, only to have her dad kidnapped instead, because he was the real target all along! Allison and Jakejohn discuss this further:
yeah. it is.
You beat all the bosses, save your girlfriend's dad, and complete the game...and now we get to the ending, where your little magical pet freak showers you with praise:
Gee. Thanks.
At this point in my Totally Rad journey, I was pretty fuckin flabbergasted. This all seemed so beyond absurd, I was convinced this was all some sort of a joke. Like, a game made in modern times, as a joke. It had to be. But then I found the manual.
I'd like to.
In conclusion, Magic John is a really, really fucking strange...Thing. There is plenty of evidence that it is a real game all over the internet. There are articles about it, there are the screenshots, the videos, and the thousands of people who have been archived by Google saying it was and talking about it over the years. However, something about this feels so much like a nightmare I might have had once, wherein some extradimensional abomination attempts manifestation by presenting itself as a false memory, so that my thoughts about it may throw veracity like fuel onto the incomprehensible polytopic fires of its hyperconcept, so that it can establish permanence within my reality and then devour it whole. In a way, that feels almost like what took place. I now live in a Post-Magic John World.
But, let's leave on a high note. Some real wisdom can be gained here. To quote the (((alleged))) game:
"Be Excellent", indeed.
Oh, and it has some pretty cool songs, too.
But then I discovered something that brought that number to two. To be honest, I didn't know whether this belonged in General Discussion or Games, so I will put my thread inside both of those places. This is a thread about...I think?...a Nintendo game.
That game is called "Totally Rad", or "Magic John" in Japan.
It all began this morning when I stumbled across the following poster in Google images while searching through Dr. Chaos screencaps for this thread (I make a LOT of dumb Q+A posts - don't even bother looking at any of them they aren't worth anything and are all fucking stupid):
You may want to click any images that contain small text in order to embiggen them, so that you may read the insanity in some of these things.
At first, I thought "okay, that is clearly an obvious fake poster for a fake NES game from the 1990's". Anyone in my position would have thought the same thing. I had never seen or even heard of this game. So I googled it. It was at that moment that the world I thought I knew melted away like the face of a London acid attack victim and I discovered an example of sheer fruit bat-shit insanity that has a nearly atomic-level purity when viewed under an electron microscope.
There were screenshots. There were entire longplays on youtube. This can't be real, right? I refused to believe it, at first.
According to wikipedia, "Totally Rad is an action-adventure game developed by Aicom and published by Jaleco for the Nintendo Entertainment System.2 It began life in Japan as Magic John for the Famicom in 1990, and was later localized by Jaleco USA as Totally Rad." The story is pretty basic: You are some kid who has a wizard friend and some evil people who live underground (literal CHUDs) arrive to steal your girlfriend. It is your job to save her.
Let's meet our Hero first. In America his name is "Jake", but in Japan his name is "John". He has one of the most ridiculous sprites you will ever see someone who is supposed to be just a normal person have:
Jakejohn's girlfriend is named Allison. Here she is, wearing the fucking pants in the relationship:
After the first mission, she is kidnapped:
Oh, bother.
You are Sorcerer's Apprentice to a fucking creepy little...magician man..thing...who slowly blinks his curly little eyelashes at you like he just slipped an eventually lethal dose of the Date Rape Drug into your drink and is trying to coax you into a more "susceptible" mood, but not actually waiting long enough for the drugs to kick in to do it:
You can tell that he has killed before.
Enemies you will encounter in this Absolute Nightmare range from "that little hard hat guy from Mega Man, but in blackface"...
...to a pogo-stick-riding salaryman who the Japanese Transit Authority police refer to only as "The Shinkansen Sex Maniac" and who has never been apprehended...
He is probably thinking of his countless groping victims; the smile is for all the future ones.
...to a weird duckling-human hybrid holding one of the Bishop pieces from the liberal side of the chessboard...
They already took one of ours
...to a depressed man wearing Pit Viper shades and riding atop a futuristic mobility scooter...
...to fish-men that you can morph into The Creature from the Black Lagoon to fight...
...all the way to THIS fuckin' rapist:
What about boss battles? Well. Feast your eyes on the first boss:
And the second:
The final boss has an undeniable, giant golden codpiece surrounding what looks to be around 40% of an erection. His name is "Edogy":
During the fight you blow his legs clean off, and his body is revealed to be a gigantic glass bowl. There's something inside of it...what is that...Are those his fuckin tits?
:[
Around the midpoint of the game, you rescue your girlfriend, only to have her dad kidnapped instead, because he was the real target all along! Allison and Jakejohn discuss this further:
yeah. it is.
You beat all the bosses, save your girlfriend's dad, and complete the game...and now we get to the ending, where your little magical pet freak showers you with praise:
Gee. Thanks.
At this point in my Totally Rad journey, I was pretty fuckin flabbergasted. This all seemed so beyond absurd, I was convinced this was all some sort of a joke. Like, a game made in modern times, as a joke. It had to be. But then I found the manual.
I'd like to.
In conclusion, Magic John is a really, really fucking strange...Thing. There is plenty of evidence that it is a real game all over the internet. There are articles about it, there are the screenshots, the videos, and the thousands of people who have been archived by Google saying it was and talking about it over the years. However, something about this feels so much like a nightmare I might have had once, wherein some extradimensional abomination attempts manifestation by presenting itself as a false memory, so that my thoughts about it may throw veracity like fuel onto the incomprehensible polytopic fires of its hyperconcept, so that it can establish permanence within my reality and then devour it whole. In a way, that feels almost like what took place. I now live in a Post-Magic John World.
But, let's leave on a high note. Some real wisdom can be gained here. To quote the (((alleged))) game:
"Be Excellent", indeed.
Oh, and it has some pretty cool songs, too.
