r/ftm
•Posted by
u/movin-on-out
I’m gay, trans, autistic, and disabled. Is anyone else ever actually going to love me?
My boyfriend of two years dumped me yesterday completely out of nowhere. We went from literally cuddling in bed in the home we made together, to him dumping me, and moving all his things out of the apartment in under a day.
We got in a small argument two days ago which ended up with him saying he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I had a complete breakdown and left because I didn’t want to say or do anything that would hurt him. Later that night I come home and he isn’t there. I text him that I’ve locked the door and to not bother coming home that night. He responds that we’re done. He’s not going to respond to anything I say, and we can discuss the apartment later. I send him about a million texts. This all was out of fucking nowhere.
He finally responds in the morning. Saying he’s not talking to me. This all is fucking crazy. Here, I do something that was stupid in hindsight, but I truly felt like I had no choice. I had gone from having him in every moment of my life. Planning to marry him and have kids with him. To no contact, unable to even speak to him, given no explanation even as to why.
So I text him that I am going to put everything he owns in bags and I will start throwing them out if he does not come and speak to me when he gets off work like a fucking adult. He says he will come.
So I wait. Eventually he comes home. He comes into the bedroom where I’m waiting. I had written out this huge piece about how I’m sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt him, but I don’t think it’s fair and it doesn’t have to end like this. That I’m willing to work for this, and that I love him more than anything and I don’t want to lose him. He promised me that he would fight for our future. And that it’s not fair to give up on me out of fucking nowhere without even explaining to me why. The only thing he had said was that I was depressed all the time, and that I made him miserable. Which was something he brought up for the first time literally ever less than 24 hours prior.
He says “okay. But we’re done. It’s over”. That’s it. Doesn’t respond to anything I’ve said. I fucking break. I just break. I say “no you’re not. No you’re not!” I reach to try and hug him. He starts yelling as if I’m attacking him, and suddenly I feel someone grab me and throw me across the room.
He had snuck three of his biggest, strongest male friends into the apartment without me knowing. They had secretly been in the next room listening to everything I had said. And then when I tried to hug him he yelled out for them, and one of them came in and ripped me off of him and threw me across the room. He brought three big strong men to physically intimidate me. It was the biggest betrayal I have ever felt in my entire life. I just didn’t even know what to do or say. I’m sitting there crawling back onto the bed. “I brought (he lists his friends names). They’re helping me move all of my stuff out tonight. It’s over”.
Everything. Two entire years of promising each other forever. Of doing everything I could for him, I cooked all his meals while he worked, I cleaned the house. I took fucking care of him I was good to him for two entire years. And this is what I get. Physically intimidated, half of the furniture in my home taken. All in under 24 hours. Remember less than 24 hours ago he was telling me he loved me. He wanted to be with me forever.
TW for suicide and self harm in this next part.
I sat there for a minute. I didn’t even know what to do. He left to go start moving his things out. I grabbed the very large bottle of Advil from our medicine cabinet and my keys. I went out, got in my car, drove somewhere remote, and I took a lot of pills. I sent him a message saying I was sorry. That I loved him, and to take good care of our cat. To give her one more little kiss from me. And I sat there for a while. I was completely and utterly ready to die. Eventually my stomach started hurting and I got scared. All I could think was that I just wanted him to hold me. That everything would be okay if he would just hold me. My stomach started hurting worse and worse. Eventually I got scared and I drove myself to the hospital. I was admitted, made to drink charcoal, all the wonderful fun stuff that happens when you try to kill your self with pills. And through this whole terrifying experience all I could think was “I just need him here. I just need him here and I’ll be okay. I’m going to die here and he’s going to have hated me. I’ll die with him hating me.”
After they got me stable physically, I had a full psychotic break. My entire life is flipped upside down. I’m going to have to move back in with my transphobic mother, I can’t pay rent myself. And when I say psychotic break I don’t mean ugly crying or anything like that. I mean fully and completely psychotically broken. Screaming at anyone who tries to come near me, hitting myself, trying to hit others, screaming until I could taste blood. Begging them to sedate me, and they kept saying they couldn’t because of all the shit I took before. I have insomnia and can’t fall asleep without my medication. They say I can’t have my medication. So I am like this for upwards of 8 hours, alone in a room. Occasionally my mom would come in but a lot of the time I would just start screaming at her.
There were points where I would settle for a while. I asked her to go to get my teddy bears from the apartment. She goes and he’s still there moving his things out. My mom tells him what happened. So he knows that I am in the hospital.
I send him a text about how hurt I am, how horrible he’s being and how I deserve to at least fucking talk to him or know why this is happening.
His only response: “I’m blocking you.” And then he does.
Eventually, by around 4 in the morning I have settled to the point of just sobbing. I write up this huge message about how it was all my fault and he’s right and I’m awful and manipulative and I beg him to please come back to me. That I know I have a lot of problems and it’s fair that he can’t deal with them, so I will get them under control so that we can be together. I beg him to come see me in the hospital because I’m scared and alone and don’t know what to do. I email it to him because he has blocked me on everything else. I have no way of contacting him. I’ve gone from seeing him every day. Talking to him all the time, every break at work he’d text me. To nothing. Excommunicated. I have no way to contact him.
Today, after sleeping a lot and talking to all my friends, including mutual friends, who all agree that what he did was fucking insane. I got angry again. I sent him this long email about how fucking horrible everything he’s done to me is. About how I have given him everything, I have worked to be better, I have cooked and cleaned up after him, I have given him everything for two fucking years. And this is what I get. That he is truly spineless, spiteful, and childish. That to bring in several men who are much larger and stronger than him or I to physically intimidate me was the most cowardly pathetic thing that I have ever seen anyone do. That he will not be present at any friend group hang outs that I’m anywhere near.
And now a couple hours later, all I can think is that my life is fucking over. He was everything to me. He still is. The fucked up thing is that even after it all, if he came to me and said he was sorry I would get back with him in a heartbeat. Because I love him so much. He’s so silly. He’s so good to me. Nobody makes me laugh like he does. Nobody makes me feel safe like he does.
I don’t think that anyone will ever love me like he has. He has loved me completely and unconditionally. I don’t think there is another person who will ever love me for who I am. I’m gay, trans, autistic, severely mentally ill, and physically disabled. It felt like a miracle to find someone who loved me not despite all those things, but because of them. And I doubt I’ll ever find it again.
I’m completely hopeless. I have no way to contact him. I have no home to go back to once I get out of the psych ward. I have no money to fall back on. He had been covering my bills while I recovered from a previous stay in the psych ward. I haven’t worked for the last few months and am not really in a state where I will be able to, especially not now. I have nothing.