my relationship with my (cis) boyfriend confuses me and i find it to be frustrating. there are a lot of good parts to it, and he's genuinely a very very sweet boy, but there are also a lot of things that irk me and i don't know how to feel about them.
keep in mind, i also have bpd, so my emotions fluctuate very rapidly and can impact my perception of him, which i am aware of. however, i take note of consistent things to make sure i'm not being delusional/it's not a heat of the moment thing.
some history/context: my boyfriend and i started messing around well over a year ago, we dated over last summer, broke up for a few months, and got back together in december.
the reason we broke up was solely because he was extremely depressed and dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia (our entire friend group is cis men and while some of them are bi, none of them are in gay relationships, all het. he also went to an all boys catholic high school). i understand he just wanted space and didn't want to put that on me and we returned to the relationship when we both felt like we were in a better spot.
the good stuff about our relationship is he's a very sweet guy. he's insanely smart, like double majoring in chem and math smart, with a minor in physics, and he is very knowledgeable on nerdy things i also really like (souls games, pokemon, etc).
he's shorter than me which kind of helps my dysphoria since i'm also kind of a manlet lol, and we both have hair that goes past our shoulders. he likes to cook for me often and when i was post op from hysto (the only surgery he's been present for, i've been on T for 4+ years and had top surgery 2 years ago) he was cooking for me every single day and taking care of me. he always makes me laugh and when i'm with him it never feels like my social battery is draining or like i wish he would just go away, which i've experienced with past partners. he really truly does feel like my person, i've never felt like this about anyone else before.
now for the stuff that has me conflicted.
he's not very thoughtful, like, at all. it took him months to actually take me on a date, and he just took me out to a restaurant. for more context, i've taken him to a concert for one of his favorite bands, i've taken him to an island closely offshore to our state, i've taken him to VERY nice restaurants, i've taken him to a city 2+ hours away from us to go ice skating and for all you can eat hot pot, there's more but my point being i've put in a LOT of effort. i love this man so much, i would do anything for him.
there have been times i've been dog tired and he's asked me to go get him ice cream from the store and i'm already halfway out the door. a lot of the things i want from him he doesn't do voluntarily, i have to ask.
i hate asking for things. and i hate asking for things that i shouldn't have to ask for even more. whenever we hang out we just sit around and watch youtube or tv or i watch him play pokemon on his laptop. that's it.
like he's never like, "oh let's go do this fun thing!" and at this point i've given up suggesting because i'm tired of being the only one to do it. he never wants to do anything but sit around. and yes, i live in the northeast so it is cold as FUCK outside and it's hard to do fun stuff when you can't run around on nature trails or go to the beach,
but he can't get a little more creative?? i could think of like ten fun inside activities to do. but the closest thing to a fun inside activity for him is either playing video games or, on an extremely rare occasion, playing with chemicals in my kitchen for an experiment.
i don't really know what to do because not only have i talked to him about this many times, our current friend group is practically exiling him for how he's treated me in the past and they have been friends with him for SEVEN YEARS. i've only known them for about 2 years at this point!! they know about his lack of effort and how he's been callous in the past (he's a lot better now) and still, after them not talking to him, after me talking to him about it over and over, nothing changes. i don't know if it's because he's depressed or he just doesn't give a shit about me, but either way it hurts.
his lack of effort in our relationship confuses me because he's so clingy with me and obviously likes me a lot, so i'm like, what gives??
his lack of effort also extends into the bedroom as well, which has probably been pissing me off more than the not taking me out thing, because my ex boyfriend would literally give me head like 3x a day sometimes. i've had grindr hookups more enthusiastic about getting me off than he is.
when we first started having sex, me finishing was not ever a concern. i had to bring it up to him multiple times for him to put an effort into getting me to finish before he did (he pretty much always tops me for more context). when it comes to head? forget it. he like basically never sucks my dick. the amount of times i've sucked him off and we've immediately started fucking actually pisses me off.
he never spontaneously sucks me off, or even does it after i do it to him, or before sex. this anger has only worsened over the past 2 weeks as i am post op from hysto and cannot have penetrative sex for 4-6 weeks per my surgeon. this has been killing me. i have an absolutely insane sex drive, worse than a lot of cisgender men i know, as
i was hypersexual before i started T, and it's only gotten worse. the only way i've been able to satisfy myself is by jacking off, and within this period of 15 days since i've had surgery,
he has only sucked my dick ONCE. i have sucked his dick WAY more times than that in this time period, and I'M THE ONE WHO HAD SURGERY. maybe it's like a silly mindset where i feel like
maybe i should be getting pampered a little because i had surgery and i'm his bottom, but no, i feel like he expects it for some reason ? like i get this also sucks for him but it sucks for me WAY MORE. this is a really frustrating experience for the both of us and my sexual frustrations and general frustrations with him are only getting worse as i'm very pent up since i can't have sex or even go to the gym, which i usually use as a coping mechanism to chill out!!
i'm at such a loss here, i can't even tell you how many times i've had to talk to my boyfriend about how much it upsets me he won't ever give me head. he's told me stuff like he's not a "genitals guy" (what the fuck does that mean??????) and other excuses, but i just don't get it. when i'm dating someone i love every inch of their body, so
why do i have like this weird sneaky feeling he's secretly grossed out by my genitals?? or maybe he's just super lazy and doesn't feel like giving head??? like i just don't get it. i don't know.
is there any advice anyone can offer on like, maybe stuff i could suggest doing indoors that would be fun to him? or how to talk to him about this? or make him understand?
i've tried telling him that there are subreddits that exist for people with trans partners and he kind of scoffed and gave a weird response. i like don't know what the fuck to do. he seems like he's equally as into me as i am with him but some of his actions just don't really support that and it leaves me feeling very confused and frustrated with him.
