UK Punting - The TripAdvisor of Prostitution

[Ginger Piglet]

Ah, punting. Messing about on the river Thames, listening to the choristers from Magdalen (pronounced Maudlin) Tower, admiring the dreaming spires, and trying to chat up one's equally chinless girlfriend while wearing red trousers and making donkey-like braying noises about how rich one is.

Oh, wait, sorry, wrong sort of punting. UK Punting is a forum about hiring prostitutes, with reviews, how-to guides, after action reports, and similar.

More men pay for sex than will readily admit it. This is probably true. Drunk, or uninhibited on a stag weekend, or having a moment of astonishingly bad judgement, they'll pay to fuck a whore. However, this site doesn't cater to them. This site caters to the, ah, frequent flyers. And as such it is awash with lolcows because anyone who regularly pays for sex is surely a lolcow. And this lot are not only regular punters, but proud of it, and will defend their hobby to the death.

The forum, which is obviously NSFW, is found at https://www.ukpunting.com/. However to access most of the boards you need to be a member. So I got out my dumptruck Gmail account (which is now surely sold to horrific low-level porno spammers) and signed up. However you can't look at the Off Topic boards, which is where I suspect the real content is. They don't explain how you get access to these boards either; I suspect you have to post a certain number of verified reviews or suchlike and I'm not so dedicated to the pursuit of autism to giggle at to do that. As such, I've not put links, but if you make an account and then search in-forum for these posts you'll find them.

Okay. Now to the content. Let's start off with a review by a person who knowingly got a massage and a happy ending from a granny, knowing she was aged, but then reeeee'd about how she was too old:

In fact, their willingness to admit fucking even the most raddled strumpets is on show passim ad nauseam:

But that's okay, there's a method in their madness:

Well, I suppose given the amount of content on this place about how to get "VFM" or value for money, how to head off time-wasting methods and how to stop yourself from coming too early, and given how they spend ages comparing rates on their associated wiki (OF COURSE there's a wiki, and its current front page refers to an in-forum competition as to which "WG" or working girl gives the best punt for under a hundred quid), they're hardly going to go for the top end of the market and even advise against it because, in their experience, the more expensive whores tend to be up themselves. Or maybe they don't like being lied about on some two-bit web forum. Oh look, here's a review response. In fact, the whole thread it's on turns into an autism thunderdome:

Note that she was banned for a "bad attitude." Oh dear.

Anyhow. How about a punter who tried to get a freebie off a chav woman. Chivalry is not dead.

So, why do they do it? Well, I investigated, and found this:

Yes, yes we should see her. Given that the members of this place admit to, and brag about, handjobs off grannies and fucking ugly old whores, I do not think Rochdull lad realises how accurate his statement is. Also, sour grapes much? His mates with actual wives or girlfriends might, for all he knows, be having fantastically filthy sexytime on tap while he pays £140 twice a week for his punts.

Also, MONTHLY WHORING BUDGET.

If he can pick up women if he chooses to and get "no-strings release" that way, why does he punt. Methinks he's really alone in his basement surrounded by pissjugs and the remnants of half-eaten tendies, desperately searching Adultwork for someone who'll stoop to his level.

Yes, clearly people who sneer at punting are trapped in sexless, unhappy relationships and haven't seen the light. But wait... OwO What's This? They also seem to be going on about how they punt BECAUSE they're stuck in sexless, unhappy relationships and/or the wife won't do what they like, in which case the solution is to have a sit down and proper relationship talk with said wife, but that won't happen because they lack the testicular fortitude to either discuss this in a mature manner or bin her off. Indeed, the whole subtext to the entire board is that anyone in a long term relationship is being used for betabux and she's gonna cuck you with Chad anyhow, so you might as well go punting on the side.

(Incidentally, OWO is this place's argot for "oral without (a condom)." I can't look at @OwO What's This?'s username now without thinking of one of these greaseballs getting a sloppy blowjob off some hooker. Thanks, UK Punting.)

Their reality revealed. What's the betting this poster is a current or recovering incel who got sick of losing out to Chad so he paid for it instead.

Here's some more things that never happened:

Notice that he refers to having "smashed" his girlfriend. The last person I know who unironically bragged about having "smashed" a girl to mean fucking them was 15 years old and an obvious virgin with rage who was ashamed of it.

But what do they think of the women they rent? Well... I think the term we're looking for is "barely concealed disdain."

Notice they have a "tips fedora" smiley. Telling, isn't it.

In fact, they seem to reserve their real ire for the punters who treat their hires as human beings and don't try to get maximum "VFM" as "fluffies" and "white knights." Even going for the GFE (girlfriend experience, i.e. not just spunk and dunk) is considered suspect. Their reasoning, according to the wiki, is that "fluffy" behaviour spoils it for everyone else by encouraging the prossies to put up their rates. While I'm well aware that the tart with a heart doesn't exist, they set the bar for fluffiness rather low.

Then again, you also get threads like this:

The answer is, of course, NO. But someone actually tried it:

Yeah, if you have to take a whore on holiday with you, you seem to be having tremendous difficulties with your lifestyle. Anyhow. Back to the reviews:

And the rampant powerlevelling.

Right, that's enough for now. You can carry on if you want to. I'm going to take a bromide because this board and its antics may have put me off sex forever.

 

[2al]

Dag, yo.

 

[Tennis Monkey]

Ah, punting. Messing about on the river Thames, listening to the choristers from Magdalen (pronounced Maudlin) Tower, admiring the dreaming spires, and trying to chat up one's equally chinless girlfriend while wearing red trousers and making donkey-like braying noises about how rich one is.

You can also hire punts on the Cam/Granta, of course. :autism:

Also, MONTHLY WHORING BUDGET.

I bet Charles II had one of those. (Of England, not of Spain - that poor guy was too far gone for sex anyway). Admittedly, he wouldn't have been known as the Merry Monarch if he'd acted like these losers.

View attachment 294820

Their reality revealed. What's the betting this poster is a current or recovering incel who got sick of losing out to Chad so he paid for it instead.

Honestly, I think that probably describes all the posters on sites like this. If only it kept them from shitting up the internet with their whining, I'd say it was probably an advance on inceldom.

Here's some more things that never happened:

View attachment 294821

Notice that he refers to having "smashed" his girlfriend. The last person I know who unironically bragged about having "smashed" a girl to mean fucking them was 15 years old and an obvious virgin with rage who was ashamed of it.

Wasn't there a football pundit who got in trouble a few years back for saying "I'd smash it" about a woman while the cameras were still rolling? Mind you, most footballers/ex-footballers are about 15 years old mentally, even if they aren't usually virgins with rage.

 

[Star Wormwood]

And the rampant powerlevelling.

View attachment 294833

There's something really magical about a man earnestly replying to a story about public piss play with the phrase "Blooming heck", nice find OP.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

You can also hire punts on the Cam/Granta, of course. :autism:

An explorer out with the Sioux,
Sent word for three punts and a canoe
The reply came next day,
"Girls on their way,
but seriously, what's a panoe?"

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anyhow. I've been doing some more forum roaming, and found these. First up, a regular punter calls out another for actually enjoying the chat before and after; gets reamed as a white knight for his trouble:

Autism confirmed. Well, at least he's honest. To be fair he does have a grain of truth in what he says, there are people out there who couldn't pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head, but the undercurrent of "virgin with rage" shines through.

@Marjan Šiklić , is this you? Governments allocated girlfriends, or in this case, working girls?

Escorts are smart, hot, and sophisticated? No, they're good actresses. There's a difference. But at least "HughJardon" is vaguely honest about bitterness from failed relationships.

SAAFE, incidentally, is sort of the opposite of UKP in that it's where working girls can discuss their punters. The two boards have a hilariously autistic love-hate relationship.

Basically if they weren't so openly contemptuous of their hires, they'd probably (gasp!) get a better punt like in all service industries. You go to a restaurant and act like a cock to the staff, they spit or worse in your dinner.

 

[gorky]

Best OP on the farms, laughed myself silly. Semper fi @Ginger Piglet

 

[Somsnosa]

This is fucking hilarious. Favorite thread so far.
I'm somewhat glad there's incels who actually got a prostitute instead of constantly complaining about women on reddit, kudos to them

 

[Elysian]

This sure is some Quality Content™

 

[Ginger Piglet]

Here's some more terrifying content from the world of whoring.

Okay, here's a lengthy after action report in which this bloke claims to have punted with a female body builder. Now, how accurate do you think this really is? (Hint: not very.)

And now, a man fucks a Jeremy Kyle guest from Shameless, whose socket money buys her a microwave.

How about a man eating out a GILF?

Marlon Brando is surely spinning in his grave at this one.

Apparently Dami3n's cock is so big that a porn star who has a side business as a "WG" was scared of it. If you believe that, I've a bridge to sell you.

Then again, you could be rockharders. He booked an ugly whore knowing she was ugly and possibly STD riddled but still went ahead and didn't walk upon seeing how foul she was.

And finally, a recovering incel. Of course he's going to advise people to lose their virginity to a whore, he doesn't know any different. Clang.

 

[The Great Chandler]

Reminds of that part in the book, 1984, were Winston shagged a hideous old lady because he couldn't get laid without State permission. Since it's a MOSTLY free country, I don't see why that's an option.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

Since it's a MOSTLY free country, I don't see why that's an option.

This lot are all about the "VFM" though, and the, shall we say, more veteran ladies of the evening probably charge less. Their rationale is the combination of trading off a portion of her looks for hopefully more experience and suchlike means a better fun-to-pound ratio for their punt.

Unfortunately it's a bit of a gamble, clearly.

Also, I get the impression that since there's a LOT of threads about people wanting to lose their virginity to a whore they reckon an older whore might be less likely to sneer at them or at least not to their faces.