Alright Blinksi
@Nykytyne3 , here's a sincere take on you and your situation (based purely on what I can gather about you via your posts and videos, so obviously it's not a complete picture), I'd be curious if you had a response.
If you were in fact abused as a child I have sympathy for your plight and I suppose that the trauma inflicted might have had something to do with the way you ended up being. However, a couple points to consider:
1) you mentioned this notion initially coming to you in a dream during your live stream. Myself and many other people have certainly had some weird, fucked up dreams that, despite their lucidity and impact,
were not at all indicitive of previous real life events. I'm not just talking about fantastical stuff; plenty of people have nightmares involving realistically plausible scenarios that are supremely disturbing and often include elements of sexual assault.. and while these dreams obviously stem from the unconscious workings of the mind and are thus technically coming 'from' you, a more plausible explanation is that your mind was just making up some weird visual stories to entertain itself while the body completed its automated cleanup processes during sleep and REM cycles. Basically, I think you shouldn't read too far into interpreting your dreams.
2) People who were abused at a young age tend to have far worse life prognoses than you've had. Stuff like extreme depression, self-harm, poor academic performance, a heightened stress response, poor immune systems, etc. Now I'm not trying to measure how much your adolescence and early adulthood did or didn't suck, but it seems that given your relatively normal (if somewhat lonely and semi-awkward) life doesn't seem indicative of someone who was
actually raped, groomed, molested, or otherwise traumatized by a male mentor. The impression I get is that perhaps your parents and Dad in particular were just particularly strict and demanded a lot from you; while this certainly could create resentment and could perhaps be its own form of abuse, it's not the same as sexual abuse.
3) It seems more likely that you are searching for some sort of simple explanation to blame for your weird fetishes, when the more likely explanation is that overconsumption of porn and chronic masturbation isn't all too different from taking drugs: in a similar way that the 5mg Vicodin got the dope fiend's rocks off and was amazing for a brief time, but now he needs to be railing lines of multiple Oxycodone 80mgs just to even feel something, that vanilla porn that you once fapped furiously too as a young teenager just no longer does it for your death-grip addled peen; and instead you've gone down the rabbit hole of increasingly kinky and degrading forms of pornography. This kind of pattern isn't at all atypical, plenty of guys have developed what is essentially an addiction to masturbation and need to spend more time getting increasingly stranger forms of pornography to even approach the same level of arousal that they once got from looking at an airbrushed Playboy centerfold at age 13.
4) You've walked back your 'overarching theory' from explaining ALL gays and trannies to just some types, and while certainly there is some number of these people who were abused as children, what evidence is there that this even explains a majority of people like this? What's your explanation for lesbians? Or the more masculine-presenting gay men who are typically the "tops" in a relationship? Where does your theory explain any of this? The point is just to consider how quickly it begins to break down when you consider that there simply can't be a single simplistic explanation for people's sexual preferences or gender identity.
5) Why are you so unwilling to consider the possibility that you did in fact experience a manic episode with associated paranoia? What seems more likely: that everyone on the internet commenting on the fiasco from a few weeks back, the medical professionals who treated you, and your own family were "in on it" and were trying to unfairly drug you up and label you with an incorrect diagnosis, OR that you were in fact experiencing a mental health episode and might actually benefit from following the prescribed medication regimen? You're a smart guy, why is it so hard for you to use logic in this particular instance now that you're sober?
I think what might help you the most is just making some friends in your area and hanging out with them. You should be out socializing on a Friday night, there's plenty of things to do that don't involve alcohol or spending a lot of money. If you can hold back your public sperging to a minimum, you'll probably find it easy to find some likeminded guys and gals around your age who enjoy you for who you are. Maybe you could make some gun friends and shoot targets at the local firing range? Or join an indie rock group that could benefit from your mandolin playing and skill at doing EDM tracking? And obviously the other thing you should do is work on getting back in the lawyer game so your graduate degree doesn't go to waste -- and I'm curious if there's any possibility that you have legal recourse against your former employer, considering it sounds like they fired you due to your abscence caused by a legitimate mental health problem and subsequent hospitalization -- of course, this only works if you accept that that is in fact what happened to you those weeks.
I think it's good that you're making and recording music, as well as doing video essays, but your talents are much better spent on discussing other topics rather than trying to continue beating this 'based schizo' dead horse ranting. You'd probably get a better response on this sort of conspiratorial thinking on 4chan's /pol/ or /x/ boards. I think your commentary on trans issues as a detransitioner is particularly insightful, and your earlier video about Moral Panic was quite good. More like this could help your channel grow, and this early phase of kiwi farms drama could just be an interesting footnote to the Blinksi narrative. Maybe you could even do a video about your experience getting involuntarily committed and why you had the conspiratorial beliefs and paranoid delusions at the time?
