as surely most of you know by now, there was recently a callout posted about me. as soon as i found out, i felt panicked, and as if i needed to respond to everything as quickly as possible. i brought people into drama that didn't want to be there, and shed light on things that i shouldn't have. i had more consideration for clearing my name than the people involved, which was beyond shitty of me. i know nothing i say or do will make anything okay, but it deserves to be acknowledged how badly i fucked up that night, and how much i endangered people due to my negligence and inconsideration. i am sorry for dragging you all down with me and putting you in a stressful and dangerous situation; i have learned a very important lesson in consideration and respect for other people's privacy. i hope the damage is minimal, and you're able to recover quickly.
i am dropping the claims of pedophilia/grooming, and i am sorry for the damages caused by my wording in all this.
i've already covered this on twitter, but i wanted to organize everything into a final statement coming from a clear mindset, and then let those bygones be.
when i visited vin, it was clear not long after i arrived that we had grating personalities. it's also worth mentioning i visited them during a low point of my life, where i felt the worst and was under some of the worst stress. on top of that, it wasn't long before they began jokingly threatening me IRL, something that's a huge trigger for me. every time i brought it up, they apologized, in their defense. but they kept doing it; and even if it wasn't their intent, it really started to wig me out. on top of that, i'd seen several angry outbursts from them irl, which often involved loud screaming or threats. even with the apologies, it was hard not to feel nervous around them.
it's true, i did refuse food from their mom. i had absolutely no idea this was a racist gesture, and given the chance, i would have taken her up on the offer, or at least explained more in-depth why i refused.
when i was younger, my family absolutely couldn't cook, but they were very aggressive about making me eat food. i would pretend to be asleep and starve rather than eat sometimes. if i couldn't finish my plate, which was usually much too big a portion, i was forced to sit at the table until i finished the whole plate. my grandmother once made me an enormous bowl of plain white rice, and told me if i didn't finish it by the time she was back, she would beat my ass. on top of this, i've always been a very picky eater.
i hit a point where i would just refuse food people cook in general, rather than disappoint them by trying their food and not liking it. (eating fast food / at a restaurant has always felt different for me - i can order precisely what i want, cater it to myself, and it's not a big deal if i don't like it or can't finish it.) i tried to decline their mom, but she was insistent, and admittedly i became frustrated and snippy when "no" wasn't an answer. after she left, i expressed to vin i felt like i was rude, and i'd hoped i hadn't left a bad impression on her. vin told me not to worry about it, and all had seemed well for the rest of the trip, even up until the last day, at least to me. i have little experience with being social IRL, especially so a couple of years ago before i learned to do better, so i have no doubts i was an awkward, weird, annoying guest on trips.
all i would talk about at the time was the living situation i was in, because i felt like it was all that was really relevant in my life. i didn't want to bore them with talk about my original characters, or petty deviantART drama... and sadly, that's all my life amounted to at the time. given the chance, i would have shut up more, and given the rest of them the chance to talk.
when i brought up the idea of visiting them, vin mentioned to me that their parents would probably be willing to help with the costs of the trip. i tried to politely refuse, but vin insisted they wouldn't mind. i know their father paid for my groceries, that i was compensated for half of my plane ticket, and their parents paid for most of the activities we did. i don't remember vin offering to buy me food at all, other than the trip we made to an expensive restaurant. they ordered several things, ate all of it, and proceeded to eat from mine as well. when we went to pay, their card was declined, so i covered the $50 bill, with vin insisting they would pay me back when they got home. when i brought up being paid back, they said "oh yeah, here's my paypal", apparently forgetting that i'd been the one to pay.
i did ask to go get fast food a lot, admittedly. i'm certain i would have paid for my own meal, and at least offered to pay for vin's. i would ask to go, and insist that it's okay if they didn't want to - after all, they were the one who drove.
if vin's parents would like compensation for what they covered on the trip, i am more than willing to pay it. i can be contacted over discord (moody#6969) or email (commissionPT@gmail.com).
i feel terrible to have left such a bad impression on them and used their hospitality to a level they were not comfortable. i may not be able to make anything else right, but i can do that. i only wish i'd been talked to - i had literally no idea anyone thought i'd been rude or overstepping until now, two years later.
i am also sorry for leaving a mess - i made efforts to clean up the area every day, and had i known it wasn't enough, i would have put forth more of an effort.
wrt me "viscerally hating other trans people" -- i will admit, there were things about transitioning that i was phobic of at the time, such as anything involving needles, and bottom surgery (the idea of getting it) terrified me. and despite being a trans man myself, my resources (especially at that time) were limited; i didn't know much at all about transitioning, and struggled to portray and respond to trans characters well. this is something i've called myself out on several times, as some of you who follow me on twitter may know. i've been working to do better, and i hope to continue to improve.
i feel it's unfair to touch on the situation without pointing out the ways in which vin hurt me, as well. during the RCDart fiasco, vin kept insisting to me that RCDart had every right to draw the porn they did because they were nonbinary, and would vague about people being upset by it, implying they were oversensitive. it wasn't until they found RCDart's fanfiction they finally admitted the art was gross and fetishizing. the way vin spoke to me during that whole debacle affects me to this day, with them expecting me to enjoy RCDart's trans steve because i'm a big titted trans man too. to know that's how they saw me during this time still makes me feel disgusted with myself to this day.
this compounded with them saying "all the trans men i know like egg fetishes because it deals with the horrors of pregnancy forced onto dfab people", which upset me, as i was a trans man they knew. they insisted it wasn't about me, which confused me considering they said "all trans men" they knew. i could have let it go, if not for the fact they also said "all trans men characters should be drawn eggnant at some point" and misgendered me, refusing to acknowledge it or apologize.
they'd also at one point tweeted that "demonic uterus" / baphomet imagery should be used for trans men, which greatly upset me as someone who doesn't... want to be represented by his genitals. the final straw was when they tweeted "shoutout to trans men on international women's day", which was immensely dysphoric to read.
all of these incidents on their own weren't a big deal, but they kept compounding on top of one another to the point it was hard not to feel dysphoric when they'd retweet stuff like that - and i told them as such several times that these things upset me. their response was it's my fault for feeling dysphoric, not theirs.
i never wanted anything other than an acknowledgement of being hurt and an effort to take my feelings into consideration; i've never cared about how they identify themself, but their actions always included the blanket statement of "all transmasc people", and as a transmasc people, it felt dirty to be included in ideas and opinions about my body that made me uncomfortable.
this, of course, also contributed to the distance between us.
the claims about me not doing as well with portraying trans women as i should have is true - a couple of years ago, i was especially ignorant in regards to transitioning, especially for trans women. this is also something i've called myself out on on twitter, many times, and something i've gotten better with. the trans women characters i currently have are designed and portrayed with much more respect and understanding than i had 2 years ago out of ignorance. i'm sure i absolutely still have room for improvement - i only hope to continue to improve as time goes on. i am much more aware of my behaviour than two years ago.
as for referring to nonbinary people as cis-adjacent - the tweet was two years ago, so i don't recall precisely what it said, but i remember it specifying people who don't identify as cis, but don't identify as trans. it was a tricky and nuanced subject as i recall. if i had read it as saying all nonbinary people are cis-adjacent, i absolutely wouldn't have retweeted it or agreed with it. i don't stand for that at all, and i am sorry to any of my nonbinary followers who i've upset when i retweeted that. if i'd seen it today, instead of two years ago, i would be much more critical and probably have just ignored it.
i absolutely do not hate other trans people - and i'm deeply sorry my actions made people feel this way. i've never hated other trans people - but i have been deeply ignorant in the past. and i'm sure i still have a lot to learn - this is another thing i will focus on moving forward, and improve upon.
this is about all the response i can give, and i think i have covered everything. i understand if people don't trust me moving forward, and i hope to learn and grow from this experience. these are mistakes i won't make again. and now, knowing how these seemingly small things affected someone in such a big way, i will be more conscious of my actions in the future.